To have locked my 3 year old in her room ?(35 Posts)
I'm off work with both DDs during the Easter hols .
DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 11 months . I'm fed up .
The baby is whingy and has a cold and is clingy , that I can just about deal with .
However , I've just completely lost my temper with the 3yr old
Everything is an issue ... "I don't like that / I don't want that cup / I want some more juice - not that juice / etc etc "
Today , I'm tired , grouchy and feeling a bit weak and lethargic & finding it rather tough . She just does not listen !
I told her she couldn't take her paints in to the lounge - so she starts to take them in - I tell her again, don't take your paints in the lounge - so she walks of laughing with the paints in to the bloody lounge !
I took them off her and really really shouted at her ; she got really upset . I apologised for shouting , told her I loved her but she has to listen.
Then it all starts again - taking toys from her sister ans the hitting - I cant stand the bloody hitting !
DD1 has hitting issues - this has been going on for over a year . Nothing is working with her . I've tried time out consistently , ignoring the bad / praising the good , and admittedly , I have smacked her a couple of times (I know , I know - only light taps on the bottom , nothing major , but still hypocritical .
Today , I cleaned the sofa and 10 mins later , DD1 wiped her crisp covered hands on the sofa then ignored
Me when I told her to stop.
Then , she was kicking me in the back , I told her to stop & she ignored me . I gave her a warning and told her if she didn't stop then I was going to put her in her room.
Needless to say , she didn't stop . So I took her straight upstairs , plonked her on her bed and shut the stair gate . She screamed and screamed and stamped , but to be honest , I have had enough !
and the fucking screaming hurts my ears
Was it an unreasonable thing to do or was I justified?? I feel a bit cruel .
(Whilst I have been writing this , she has pinched her sisters raisins & thrown rubbish on the floor which she refuses to pick up )
Well the day progressed much the same way ... With DD1 hitting , snatching etc etc and me telling her off.
I made a point of getting DH to put the baby to bed and I read DD1 2 stories and we cuddled and talked and fell asleep together
Thanks for the replies . Tomorrows another day !
She's probably run down too, just as you and the baby are.
You did nothing wrong, putting her upstairs, and don't feel bad about a ruined week. She'll forget it as soon as you do something nice together.
My DC are older now but I well remember days like that. Everyone has them. Best way to deal with them is to take the easy way out. Put on her favourite DVD and let her snuggle up under a blanket with you. She might need you to offer a way out of the standoff without losing face. You could go up and say you suddenly realised she might have been feeling ill too herself, just like you and the baby are, so would she like some calpol/warm milk etc. See what she says.
Don't cook tonight either. Do beans or spaghetti hoops and ask DH to pick up something ready made on his way home for you.
I make dc go to their rooms if they are getting too much. No negative associations here. It gives us time out from eachother if needed. I apologise to my dc if I've fucked up. I've noticed that dc readily apologise back and to each other if they do something wrong. So its a good example to set them.
I think you should all do something nice.
Curl up on soda with DVD? Play a simple card game? Lie on floor and build duplicate house? Try and make it positive, distract her from bad behaviour. Give her the attention she craves but be firm about hitting warn her, then put her in room, ask if she's ready to apologise and return to nice activity. She has an incentive to behave well.
Remember she is 3. She is not a bad child, she is a little person who is competing for attention from mummy in the only way she knows how.
Also - some days do unravel , it's like you set yourself up to have a lovely time with the children but they don't realise this, they just see opportunities to have 'time with mummy,' and it doesn't matter whether you are cross as long as you are paying attention.
Ok swype typing is not my friend.
Oh bollocks to negative associations. DD1 was always put in her cot bed after awarning and she still slept and played happily all night in it. I am not one for faffing around putting them on a naught step time and time and time again.
YANBU following through and pouring her in her room, YABU getting to that stage of shouting and losing your temper but we have all been there.
My advice would be don't let her ever get to the stage where you are background noise or you lose your temper, 1 warning including if you continue x happens then do it, if that's putting her in her room so be it. If it's taking the paints away and putting them on a high shelf fine. Just doit calmly with an "I warned you" then give a time limit of when she can have them back.
I also find sheet the storm of them being upset has passed I talked to dd1 alt why we got here and then did nice things with her and her behaviour had improved loads. I found if I lost my temper she reacted by being horrible generally. If I'm calm she's calm. Monkey see monkey do.
Try and get out though before you lose your mind, wrap up super warm and go for a walk. Also split your day if you have to be in eg breakfast then play dress up then snack and tv while baby sleeps (and you get time out), then free play while yiu tidy/deal with baby. Then lunch, tjrn do some crafts etc.
That way you and she knows what comes next and neither of you go stir crazy (plus you have segments to get you to blissful bedtime!).
I could have written your post OP. i am sorry for you, it is hard. It happens less to me now because i am careful to protect them when I AM tired and everything you described about how you feel. (But it happened yesterday).
Firstly, time out in their own bedroom is good so long they know why. So make sure you have told her in a calm way why. When you "release" her ask her to tell you why you were cross (to make sure she understood) and ask her to say sorry.
Secondly, recognise the fact that she is responding to your attitude towards them: less patience, sense of humor. So she is not behaving like that to be mean to you but she is showing you that she can feel (but dont understand) how you feel. So while this is unacceptable behavior, get out in your garden (or open the window), take a deep breath and start again.
Can you ask her to help you bake a cake/cookies?
And remember, tomorrow will be better. Good luck
Hope floats, child abuse is illegal.
I have done nothing illegal to my son, ever.
Smacking doesn't work, it's not very nice and I don't do it now.
I did not abuse my child.
Oh, I feel your pain Insey.
What's your favourite thing to do all together? Can you do a sort of amnesty with that, wipe the slate clean and start again?
Don't be too hard on yourself though, it gets on top of all us at times.
<DrLTA prescribes hot chocolate and an early easter egg all round>
hopefloats I hardly think the odd smack on the bottom amounts to child abuse
OHforDUCKScake - I tried smacking, but it made absolutely no difference
Oh, but child abuse DOES make a difference.
The thing is I work full time and I was really looking forward to having a week of with them - but it has just turned out to be stress .
We haven't been anywhere due to money issues and we are all fed up .
I really ought to be handling things better if I work full time
I just feel so knackered and lethargic . I'm anaemic so could be that , but I feel guilty because the week has been shit .
When DS gets all contrary...and he's MY boy so he's learnt contrary from the Queen of it...I usually try the old 'whatever you do, don't help me tidy up' trick and just tell him the opposite of what I want him to do.
It does take all the anger out of it and works realy well for both of us. I stop getting wound up with him and he snaps out of his strop.
I hope it helps....
Excuse the auto correctness going on there, I still haven't turned it off.
"I've never understood people who apologise to young children."
Erm, because we don't always get things right? Because children are human beings, not dogs? Because yet need to see we are human beings too, that may not always get things right but we try our hardest?
Seriously what an unpleasant way of viewing things.
OP, god I feel your pain, I really, really do. My eldest did exactly the same at the same age when I was pregnant (this was why).
I'd shut him in his room (which me in it) and he would trash the place, really violent. I'm surprised he didn't great a window or bones, his or mine.
It was a bad, bad time. I tried smacking, but it made absolutely no difference in fact it exasperated the situation.
She will grin out if it and hopefully you'll get some good advice as t how to get through that.
In the mean time you definitely do need a break, does she go to nursery?
Can you get out of the house at all? Bundle the LO up in pushchair and go for a walk, i know its cold but it might help your DD to burn off excess energy.
Could you even go to the dreaded soft play center?
I send my rather cheeky 4 year old to his room if he has been naughty in the extreme, after time outs ect. I dont think it creates negative associations, sometimes a mum just needs space to calm down and have a 5 min cuppa to regain some sanity. They have toys in their rooms so it to me its not a real punishment, more of a method to stop me killing the the blighter when I have reached the end of my tether.
YANBU giving her time out. I did it with DS about that age (I gave a minute a year) and it DID work. He hated it, screamed kicked the door etc but it was the worst punishment I handed out, so kept it only for 'special occasions'.
But agree with poster above, we didn't use his bedroom as I didn't want any negativity associated with it. Plus he had toys in his room which he would just play with. I used our spare room (which had nothing in it).
You do sound very stressed. Do you have anyone in RL who you can call to help out. I really struggled with DS at this age and even an hour to myself made me feel human again.
I know we need to get out at some point today .
Just trying to rev myself up for the stress of getting us all dressed and bags packed .
sirboobalot - I agree .
Just didn't know what else to do at the time .
There is nobody to help.
DH is at work and we have no family near . I'm normally ok , it's just today - I am raging with it all . Possibly PmT too !
I think you were unreasonable, but mainly because by shutting children in their bedrooms you then create a bad association with them, making them a negative place to be, a place of 'punishment', and so can cause problems for bedtime.
Have you heard of 'time ins' as an alternative to 'time outs'? Worth looking into.
And try and find someone to give you a hand, not surprised you're stressed.
As for not apologising to your children... Really? So you never do anything wrong? We expect them to apologise when they shout, why shouldn't we apologise when we do?
That's probably why I feel so awful because I know it's attention seeking .
It seems to have co-incided with DD2 starting to walk / climbing etc.
I try to praise her for the littlest things .
You need a break, it sounds so bad for you atm.
Please get some help, maybe somebody to take your dd out. She is not naughty, just testing boundaries and looking for attention. She does need this attention too by the sounds of it.
poor you and poor dd. if you can't find somebody to help, as soon as all are well get out and about, i used to find this helped me alot.
I think that she is probably doing this because she sees her little sis getting loads of attention by winging and whining, she wants attention that her sister is getting, does not understand why you expect higher standards from her and also wants to check that you still love her. I am not saying you were unreasonable at all, not only are you human but she needs to learn about dealing with these feelings in a more grown up way, i just think that understanding that her behaviour is a natural part of growing up and dealing with sharing you then you might be less worried about it, can you wait until your youngest has a nap then go back to bed for cuddles and a story with your eldest
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