to turn my back on my dd if she goes back to this man?

(91 Posts)
kaylasmum Wed 27-Mar-13 17:44:02

My 28yo dd has not long come out of a 3 year relationship with an abusive, controlling and manipulative man. He treated her badly through the relationship. He grows/deals weed, takes cocaine and is a complete bully

She eventually say him for what he is. She told me that he made her feel bad about how she looks, pressured her sexually and also raped her analy. Ita very likely that he was unfaithful to her numerous Times.

She also told me that she found underage porn on his computer, girls aged 13/14. Since they split he has been awful towards her. She says she misses him, i'm terrified she'll go back to him. I don't know what he's capable of. I told her if she does then i'll disown her. I've always supported her but i don't think i can anymore. She has a 6yo ds and i don't want this animal anywhere near him.

Hissy Thu 28-Mar-13 07:27:25

Just make sure you don't let her down. I can't begin to tell you the pain she'll feel if that happens.

Sadly, you've said it, you can't unring that bell, but your actions can and ought to counter it.

What's happened to you in all this, what's the background here? What was the relationship with your parents/their father with your inlaws like? Forgive me, but all your DC are seemingly crying out. No blame here, but my abuse was brought about by the lack of emotional support from my family. it also seemingly caused my depression, suicide attempt too. Went through those alone too.

Something's out of balance there somewhere. If you can find out what it is, access some help/support, you may halt all this destructive behaviour.

You do sound supportive. I'm sorry if I upset you, but you needed to see how turning your back could spell disaster. Keep talking to her, reminding her of how far she's come.

The missing him thing is common, part of the insane addiction. Good will always triumph. Remind her of how good things are without him, show her how it's best not being scared. Positive reminders incentivise. Scary threats are what HE does. She's used to them and expects it.

Report the pervert to to police for the images, see if he can be locked up.that'll help keep him away from everyone, and strengthen her support from SS.

Can she access The Freedom Programme?

bochead Thu 28-Mar-13 08:31:33

Report him to the police. He can't influence her from behind bars, the scum.

Do your utmost to get her onto the freedom programme, or failing that a really good family therapist. I'd spend my last pound on decent therapy for her and her child in your shoes.

TELL her every day how proud you are that she's making it on her own. Let her know you are proud of her for her good parenting etc, etc. He'll have ground her self-worth into the mud. There's nothing like a bit of praise from your Mum (no matter how long ago you flew the nest) for helping to restore a person's self esteem.

Don't cut her off - what will happen to your poor grandchild if she's pushed back to this monster out of loneliness and fear of going it alone?

Doubledare Thu 28-Mar-13 08:50:34

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

WilsonFrickett Thu 28-Mar-13 08:51:04

I can't keep posting the same thing.

He colluding in the abuse and rape of REAL children. Just because they aren't yours, they are someone's. Your dd's windows really aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.

I appreciate you/she/your family have issues but I'm out. Your behaviour is actually disgusting. Take the blinkers off, look beyond your nose and phone the police. Or else you are colluding in abuse and rape of children too.

EggyFucker Thu 28-Mar-13 09:03:30

Doubledare, that is out of order

TranceDaemon Thu 28-Mar-13 09:04:50

You HAVE to report the child porn OP!! Of course your DD doesn't want you to tell the police but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't.

As has been said, they are REAL children, someone's daughter and right now you can not only help your DD but help other abused kids.

PLEASE report him. Now. Today. You can do something to stop this and he can't hurt your DD when he's locked up.

EggyFucker Thu 28-Mar-13 09:08:30

OP,, report him to the police for the child abuse images anonymously

Don't tell your DD you have done it

Your mistake was threatening her with it. Now you are frightened you it will push her away if you do it

You must though. But deny it was you. Any number of concerned citizens could have reported him. Just deny....the police will help you with this.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 28-Mar-13 09:21:48

OP you've posted on the Internet that you know someone who has pictures of underage children on their computer. You have to do something about it. He can't harm anyone from prison.

It's child abuse FFS!

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 10:35:04

Doubledare - you don't know anything about me, how dare you suggest i'm a bad mother. My 26yo ds and my 28yo dd both have borderline personality disorder. My son had behavioural problems all through his childhood and at the age of 16 told me he was gay, this led to years of self harm and suicide attempts. I have supported him every step of the way. They have both had therapy and are on the road to recovery. When they were 3 and 7 months old their father left us to go back home to iraq. Their therapist thinks this could be the reason behind their illness.
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I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, as did my mother. Its very possible that there's a genetic link. So Doubledare, before you call Anyone a bad parent again make sure you have all the details.

Wilson - why exactly is my behaviour disgusting? I have only knows about the computer images for a couple of days. My dd said he told her he'd downloaded awhole lot of porn but did'nt realise what was in it and that he has wiped it from hiscomputer. I don't believe he did'nt know. I have'nt said i'm not going to report him!!

And for whoever said that broke windows are'nt so bad in the grand scheme of things, what happens if my dgs is there when this happens? If he has wiped the images, and the police don"t have any ewidencję, they can't hołd him, then he'll know it was her.

This man yesterday went and punched hs friend in the face and broke his nose, he is drangerouss and i have to consider the safety of my dd and dgs.

My kids are my while life, i've always tried
to guide them in the right direction.

WilsonFrickett Thu 28-Mar-13 10:40:09

Your behaviour is disgusting because you are colluding in the rape of children by not reporting someone you know to be directly involved in viewing images of child abuse. It is very simple. I get that you are scared, I get that you are frightened. But by staying silent you are colluding. And I don't believe you are going to report him, if you were going to report him you would have done it two days ago.

catsmother Thu 28-Mar-13 10:44:37

Please report him to the police. It doesn't matter he's "wiped" his PC, they have experts who'll be able to find evidence if it's there no matter what amateur steps he takes to remove it. And for goodness sake do it now, before he has a chance to get rid of the PC altogether. DON'T tell her you're reporting him either.

And yes, while repercussions are obviously a concern you can discuss that with the police at the same time and seek their advice about how best to protect DD and GS from him. Obviously, that isn't a cast iron guarantee but you cannot ignore child porn for the sake of what might happen.

TheUnstoppableWindmill Thu 28-Mar-13 10:47:02

Well done for telling your daughter that you'll always be there for her. You clearly just felt frustrated and desperate at the thought of her going back to this man, and you know that you have to support her for the sake of your gs, at the very least.
That said, you also know that you have to report the abusive images of children too, right? It's unanimous here. If you don't report it you'll be complicit. And get in touch with WA, as so many others have said.

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 10:47:39

Ok wilson, so i have to disregard the safety of my dd and dgs and quite possibly my 2 young dcs also, if the police can't get the evidence they need what then? He shares a flat with other men, how can they pinpoint it to him? You're not in my situation, very easy for you to judge!

Morloth Thu 28-Mar-13 10:48:40

Children are being raped for his enjoyment and you now know about it.

You MUST report this to the police.

If you do not then by your silence you are saying that raping children is OK and does not deserve punishment.

TheUnstoppableWindmill Thu 28-Mar-13 10:51:32

If you explain your concerns to the police there's no reason for him to know that it was you who reported him. If you're that worried, you could even decline to give them your name and contact details. Even if you're not sure that they'll fund sufficient evidence to prosecute I don't think that's your decision or judgement to make - let them try!

TheUnstoppableWindmill Thu 28-Mar-13 10:51:54

find sufficient evidence

I know child abuse is a very serious issue and ideally the OP should report it. However, she has no direct knowledge at all of what has or hasn't been on his computer only a second hand account from her daughter. I think those people who are jumping on the OP for not having reported this are being a bit unreasonable in the circumstances.

EggyFucker Thu 28-Mar-13 10:58:30

kaylasmum, the police are currently, while we speak, investigating rings of paodophiles that distribute images of child abuse. These people are getting apprehended all the time . Think of all the peripheral abusers who have come out of the Saville investigations, but this does not reduce your responsibility in assisting them with their investigations

this is big business for some people, and it's likely this man is mixed up in that

please make an anonymous report, there is no reason why it will be traced back to you if you deny it

Maggie111 Thu 28-Mar-13 10:59:22

If you've known about the "porn" for 48 hours, you've wasted 47 hours not telling the police.

Do it now - his deleting of it is nothing with what the police can recover from a computer. And if that's the stuff she's found - goodness knows what depraved filth he might have on there, on done...

please please tell the police - you will quite possibly be saving those children's lives. They might be able to identify them and remove them from further harm.

Hulababy Thu 28-Mar-13 11:09:00

The computer - even if he has deleted them, the strong liklihood as that he hasn't actually wiped them from the computer. In order to that entirely is much harder than just pressing deleting. The chances are that the images are still there and the police will still be able to access them.

You are in a really difficult position. Trying to protect your DD and your GC, as well as deal with the horrid stuff this man is doing. It must be a very scary position also, with threats from the man.

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 11:10:10

Have just spoken to my dd to clarify exactly what she saw on his computer, she says it was a picture of a young girl around 13 posing in a bikini plus some pictures of the same girl aged about 19, also some other pictures of girls about 16 upwards, she thinks. As far as i know not any sexual acts.

I personally would'nt put anything past this man but evidence is needed.

ChunkyEasterChick Thu 28-Mar-13 11:22:20

You are not the police. You do not need to find the evidence. Report your concerns. Even if nothing happens immediately, it will go in a file & add towards the picture of this man. It isn't for you to judge what is or isn't sufficient. Report your concerns. You don't need to protect him from false allegations if that's what's worrying you...

kaylasmum Thu 28-Mar-13 11:26:01

Why the hell would i want to protect him!!! I'd like nothing better than to see him rot in jail!! I NEED to protect my dcs and dgs.

catsmother Thu 28-Mar-13 11:26:45

Thing is, you're not a detective. If there's any possibility of child porn of his computer you have a duty to report it and let the experts handle it from then on. You can't second guess what evidence they may or may not find - nor if there's grounds for prosecution but I'm damn sure that any police officer would want each and every possibility of child porn reported so they can investigate accordingly. It's not up to you either to predict how they might pin anything they find on him specifically - don't you think that experienced detectives will have come across similar situations before where a computer is used by more than one person ? Clearly there are ways and means of finding out when stuff was viewed or downloaded and individual's movements tracked against those times etc. It is not your job - or anyone else's in a similar situation - to play judge and jury. You need to leave all that to the police. Tell them, let them deal, and then your conscience will be clear.

catsmother Thu 28-Mar-13 11:28:02

Like I said, the police can also advise about protecting your family.

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