to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

(322 Posts)
HidingNemo Wed 27-Mar-13 13:32:27

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu? sad

mummabug Wed 27-Mar-13 15:19:08

Friendly parental contact, phone calls, cups of tea at handover's, helping each other out (i.e if you need a lightbulb changing etc!?), and both parents being at school events, competitions etc (where the father's and DD's family i.e; girlfriend and DS are invited too) completely healthy and okay.

'hanging out', cinema, restaurants, having him over for dinner...without his partner present - not okay. Inappropriate - you are not part of his family unit, your DD is. I would like to meet the woman who would accept this as his partner and mother of another of his children. Okay, so the girlfriend has been told she can be present too, but why would she want to come to these intimate family dates? It is uncomfortable. She will be spending 'family' time with your DD when your ex is with her and your DD's brother - which is as it should be.

YABU to want to 'hang out with your ex' and YABVU to refer to these dates as doing things 'together as a family'. I can't see him ever being able to have a successful relationship with a new girlfriend if you and he actually see you, him and your DD as a 'family'.

Sandie79 Wed 27-Mar-13 15:32:57

What is your dd's relationship with her new step mum? Have you encouraged that to develop? I don't think you're being unreasonable and I think it would be a shame to lose the relationship you have but I think sadly once your dd is fully included, the push to spend additional time together, esp if it includes you, will have to come from your ex.

I have a friend whose parents split when she was seven, and after a rough few years, became quite amicable. They would make all parenting decisions together, etc. He had a new partner, and a new child, as did her mother, and all went well until about 15 years later when her dad and stepmum split up. They now both have new partners, and my friends reaction to her stepmum getting into a new relationship was 'I guess my family is getting even bigger.' At her wedding, her mum and dad, their new partners, and her (former?) stepmum and her new partner all attended. Its amazing how they have done it but the children of that relationship and their subsequent relationships all grew up knowing they were loved...but its very unusual, and if you want to maintain the relationship you have it will be essential to get your ex's new partner on side, and there's only so much you can do their if he is unwilling to push it with her.

Helltotheno Wed 27-Mar-13 15:36:26

YANBU OP, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I were your DH's GF. You have a 'friends' relationship with the father of your child and she is effectively trying to end your friends relationship. Anyone who wanted me to ditch my friends, even exes, could take a hike tbh. She sounds v insecure.

Saying that, your use of the word 'family' is probably ill-advised because strictly speaking, you're co-parents to your DD but not a family. Not much you can do really because it's down to your ex as to how things proceed.

Sorry if I missed this but are you in a relationship OP?

HidingNemo Wed 27-Mar-13 15:46:14

Hi sorry for not responding sooner. I've read all of the replies ... I think.

The friendship between us is a very mutual thing - when he lost his job he moved in with us temporarily until he found a new one. I was there to support him when his mum was really ill (thankfully she is so much better now) - and he has been there for me through some challenges.

We've known each other many years (met in Secondary School) and both consider the other to be good friends.

When I say hang out, I mean he will pick DD up from school and I will cook dinner and he will stay and have dinner with us, or if I'm dropping her off at his then he'll ask me in for coffee and we'll chat. This is usually 3 times a week we do this.

Other outings such as like I said meals out/cinema etc are once every 3 weeks or so.

We've both dated other people, most we haven't introduced to DD. But when he told me when he was getting more serious with gf I was genuinely happy for him.

DD told me that she liked her which I encouraged - such as helping her write a Christmas card to both of them.

When we were going to the cinema (before gf was pregnant) I saw ex a couple of days before and said gf is more than welcome to come with us. She said no, so I've never pushed it.

I don't consider us to be a family, but we are DD's family and I thought it was lovely that she could grow up and see that her parents get on so well and very soon she will be too old to want to go out with her parents so it was nice to do it now.

HidingNemo Wed 27-Mar-13 15:48:51

This comment stood out to me -

So a poster worries that her new DP is being contacted by his ex, and feels threatened by her presence.

DP being contacted by his ex? ... You make it sound as if I am harassing him. Constantly calling and texting him, which could not be further from the truth.

Since they got together I have limited my contact with him and will only text him when it is to do with DD.

His gf has only met me a handful of times as she will make sure she is not in the room when I go there to pick up DD.

HidingNemo Wed 27-Mar-13 15:51:17

Saying that, your use of the word 'family' is probably ill-advised because strictly speaking, you're co-parents to your DD but not a family

I just used the word "family" then because we are DD's family and to show that we do things together for this reason.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 27-Mar-13 15:51:32

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

The new GFs way of thinking seems totally twisted to me, if the above is really what she is thinking.

It doesn't make sense that it would be unfair to her child because he will be seeing his Dad be Dad to a different family. Surely her having a child is doing to your dd the very thing that she wants to avoid for her own child?

That's just pure selfish.

Cavort Wed 27-Mar-13 16:02:04

I wholeheartedly agree with mummabug.

I have a DSD who stays with us regularly and is very much a part of our family. The relationship between my DH and his DD's Mum is amicable and friendly to the point where they talk regularly about their DD's welfare on the phone and during handovers and they attend school open evenings together but that's where it ends. Anything more than that would be inappropriate and all parties involved acknowledge that, including their DD.

fluffyraggies Wed 27-Mar-13 16:16:07

I think it is good that you are really good terms with your DDs father.

I do however think that there is a fine line between co parenting and socialising.

While there is no partner to consider then it is up to you and your ex to do as you please. I can see the point of view of his GF though. It should be a case of your DD being absorbed into their family for her time with her dad - not the GF being absorbed into you and your ex's friendship as a 'second mother'.

I think the GF has worded it clumsily. It doesn't sound like she wants your ex to cut down the amount of time he spends with his DD. Rather that she is trying to say she wants him to spend his time with his DD and her.

I know the dynamics are different, and will be different again when their child is born - but thinking of it from her point of view as things are - you probably wouldn't expect to tag along with them and their child if your DD wasn't there - and yet you feel she should want to accompany you and he on outings now as ... what ... a hanger on? It's just a bit odd.

Even once her baby is born i still don't think it would be a normal set up. I don't know anyone who goes on outings with their DP, the DPs their ex and all the kids.

I think you need to let him go. I think he needs to let go.

StanleyLambchop Wed 27-Mar-13 16:26:45

When I say hang out, I mean he will pick DD up from school and I will cook dinner and he will stay and have dinner with us,

I can kind of see why she would not want that to continue after the baby is born, does he intend spending his evenings having dinner at yours whilst she is home alone with a small baby? I can see her point about things needing to change once the baby arrives, she will need support from him, and he can't provide that if he is socialising with his ex. I don't believe from what you say that she wants him to give up his time with DD, just his time with you, his ex.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 27-Mar-13 16:31:09

She is being wholly unreasonable....the girlfriend doesn't want her son to see his dad doing family things with another family but he HAS another family. He has a son...and an ex who is the Mother...that IS family.

OP stand your ground. Protect your DS's life as it is.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 27-Mar-13 16:32:21

Stanley...see I disagree. The girlfriend does not get ALL his time to spend with her and the baby....because whoops...he has a son with another Mother whom he happens to have a good relationship with.

this is a blessing...not a problem.

Viviennemary Wed 27-Mar-13 16:33:42

I think YABVVVU I'm afraid OP. Because I certainly wouldn't want to be part of this menage a trois. You and your Ex still seem to be very much a couple. I fee sorry for the poor girlfriend coming into this situation. She seems very much the outsider.

StanleyLambchop Wed 27-Mar-13 16:36:34

But Zombie she is not asking for all his time either, nor does she seem to be saying that the DD be suddenly cut out of his life. If you look at it another way- someone posted on here saying that they were alone with a new born baby because their partner had gone out to dinner with an old friend- would the general consensus not be that a partner should priority over a friend?

DeskPlanner Wed 27-Mar-13 16:37:51

I think you are unreasonable. The idea of a day trip including you, Dd, your ex, his gf and new baby, is unusual. I would find it strange if I was the gf.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 27-Mar-13 16:39:55

Lambchop but it's NOT an old friend it is the Mother of his child....and of course..HIS CHILD>

RafflesWay Wed 27-Mar-13 16:40:15

I agree with mumma here and op I honestly feel you need to move on too.
However, I totally applaud the excellent relationships you have kept and built for your dd's sake with all involved but now is the time to take a step back with regards to your own attendance on these trips. You need to find a life of your own whilst dd spends quality time with her father and his new family although I can well understand it may prove a little painful initially.

StanleyLambchop Wed 27-Mar-13 16:44:00

But the GF will also be the mother of his child!! He has chosen to be with her -his active relationship with the OP is over, they are now simply parents to a child, but not boyfriend/girlfriend themselves. OP you need to move on and let him go.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 27-Mar-13 16:44:42

Why do they need to "move on"?
The most important thing is that this is nice for the children, not everything has to be sexual or intimate people can be just friends.
They could all be friends if the new gf would allow it. It feels to me like she is using the baby as an excuse because she's never liked the set up but knew she didn't have a leg to stand on before

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 27-Mar-13 16:46:51

I'm actually finding the move on comments really annoying and I'm not even the op.
why is everyone making out like the op is some needy woman wanting him back? They have been apart 4 years, if they wanted to be together they would have done it by now

What a pity she absents herself from changeover times etc. It sounds rather as if she's decided not to like you without even meeting you.

I think the thing is to tell ex that you don't want dd to miss out & leave it to him to sort out how he ensures that doesn't happen. If he cuts contact with you & dd is upset by that then you can tell him (or she will).

Has he indicated how he feels about it?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Wed 27-Mar-13 16:56:22

Well, I would be pretty narked if my OH went off with his ex and their daughter on a "family day out."

My reasons for this are that he and his ex have both moved on. Not from their daughter, but from each other. They are in seperate families now. She has a new partner and a new baby, and we have each other and two children together. I highly doubt her new partner would be supportive if they went off as a little family a few days a week.

They were a family until they decided to split. Not my problem, or ex's new partner's problem.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 27-Mar-13 17:03:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyraggies Wed 27-Mar-13 17:04:00

I think a delicate situation like this is really hard to call an opinion on without hearing it from all sides.

The GF is pregnant now. It's no good saying she's being unreasonable to get in this situation, etc etc., she's in it - up to her eye balls!

She does sound insecure about the relationship with her DP and the OP. But we don't know how the bloke conducts himself around her regarding this relationship.

Has he sensed her insecurity and tried to help by becoming a bit vague about the time he spends with the OP? Is she interpreting this as secretive behaviour? Is it the opposite and does he talk about their outings allot and she is hormonal and struggling with it?

I agree that she shouldn't be 'hiding' from the OP at handover times. I wonderif there is a big age difference or something - is she very young maybe?

fluffyraggies Wed 27-Mar-13 17:11:10

Also i disagree that he is a father to two families.

The DD is a daughter to two families.
One of them is her father's.
The other is her mother's.

He is a father to both his DD and the baby on the way.
He only has one family unit though - and that is the one with the GF, into which the DD will be welcome.

It's a subtle difference - but it's an important one.

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