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to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

(322 Posts)
HidingNemo Wed 27-Mar-13 13:32:27

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu? sad

BlackMaryJanes Wed 27-Mar-13 13:36:30

What does he think?

DiscoDonkey Wed 27-Mar-13 13:36:45

Not unreasonable to be sad but it between your ex and his girlfriend it would be wrong to try to influence how he handles this.

ChairmanWow Wed 27-Mar-13 13:38:14

That's such a tricky one, and I'm afraid I can see both sides. You've been very lucky to be able to maintain such a positive relationship with your ex. Extremely rare for such things to work without any underlying feelings to complicate things. And if that is truly the case it must have benefitted your daughter too.

However whilst I don't think YABU in intent try to see things from the perspective of your ex's partner. She's pregnant with his child while he's (presumably to her mind) off playing happy families with his ex. I think most people would struggle with this and I do see her point about confusing their son. I guess it's time to accept that he's moved on and the more traditional arrangements for kids of separated parents will apply from now on.

VanitasVanitatum Wed 27-Mar-13 13:38:58

Of course you're not being unreasonable to put your DD first. Suggest that when her Dc is older they can both join in. Ultimately it will be up to him to work out though, if she says no and he listens to her there is not really anything you can do.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 27-Mar-13 13:42:59

Is your daughter going to still get to spend a lot of time with her dad?

I think what you describe is nice. There's no reason people have to hate each other when they split up. If you all get on well, that's a good thing, surely?

I am sure that the reality is that she's jealous. I seriously doubt that its that it would be unfair on her child. That's just really daft. Her child would grow up knowing no different. Just that s/he has a sister and this is how their family works.

I would actually be a little worried about the whole 'unfair on her child to see his dad be a father to a different family' thing. He has a daughter. That's not going to change. He will always be a father to her.

Fair enough if she said that she feels jealous and doesn't want him to spend time socialising with you. But that's not what she said. and I think her choice of words said more than she intended it to.

Poppet48 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:44:12

'He will be seeing his Dad be a father to a different family' Yes? She needs to get over that as she was fully aware this was going to happen, He does have another child. However, The stopping the cinema trips, Meals etc I can understand so I do see her point with that one.

It's up to your Ex how he handles the situation but if he chooses just to be a Dad to his DS and stop the 'family things' then sorry OP but there's not much you can do.

Poppet48 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:45:04

Sorry be a Dad to your DD*

fairylightsinthesnow Wed 27-Mar-13 13:58:46

I don't really see why the family trips have to stop. If you and your ex are mature and amicable enough to do them, and he wants to continue, then they should and actually are not really any business of the new partner, regardless of her pregnancy. When the baby is born he will obviously have to split his time carefully but it will be important to your DD that new brother does not = loss of daddy. In an ideal scenario, the new partner will come to be amenable to the idea that perhaps you could all do things together, especially when her little one is old enough to enjoy outings. Other than being threatened by the idea that you may somehow "steal" him away, there is really no reason that this should not happen. she knowing got involved with someone who has a child and she is BU to expect him to now somehow drop that child to make way for hers.

KellyElly Wed 27-Mar-13 14:03:28

she knowing got involved with someone who has a child and she is BU to expect him to now somehow drop that child to make way for hers. I don't think she wants him to drop the child, just the quite intimate relationship with the OP. I think it's good for couples to be amicable once they have split when a child is involved and things like birthdays, school plays etc should be done as a family. It's a lot to expect a new partner to be ok with meals and trips to the cinema together though. It's bound to cause insecurity on her behalf. The child should be part of the 'new' family but not the ex.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 27-Mar-13 14:04:55

She's being a bitch, you have been broken up for 4 years and (presumably) nothing has happened between you since.
She knew you were friends and he had a daughter when she met him its unfair to say its fine then change her mind down the road.
Why should your dd have to give up something she is now used to and why is it ok that she will inevitably loose time with her dad when the new baby arrives but her baby can't possibly make any sacrifices at all ever. Lets face it this isn't about the baby but rather about her feeling paranoid and insecure.

Went off on a bit of a rant there sorry blush

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 27-Mar-13 14:07:24

Lets just hope karma doesn't bite her in the ass and if they ever split a future partner doesn't impose similar terms about her and her baby.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 27-Mar-13 14:09:54

But Kelly op has invited her along to these things before she was even pregnant.
I don't see why just because things aren't the norm they can't be tried and worked on. The old way isn't always the best way and if it was things wouldn't ever change

sparkle12mar08 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:10:23

Not unreasonable to want to co-parent effectively, but unreasonable to want to just hang out as mates, if that is what sometimeas happens. You're not his mate, you're his ex partner & lover and the mother of his child. She can sling her hook if she wants to stop him joint parenting though.

Davsmum Wed 27-Mar-13 14:11:21

I thinks its ok for her to object to him spending time with you - but certainly not with your DD
Your DD needs to be included with his new family at times and his new child needs to know he has a half sibling.
He can stop being your partner but he cannot stop being your DDs dad.

It would be nice if his girlfriend joined you all for outings but its also ok for her to not want to!

mummabug Wed 27-Mar-13 14:15:32

It seems a bit out of the ordinary for split parents of a child to spend 'family time' together - you're not technically a family, surely?

His family, really, is his new girlfriend, and his children - your DD and his new DS. I've never heard of split parents taking their child out together while one of their new partners sits at home, seems inappropriate (although obviously nice for your DD) IMO if one of you has a partner, especially a pregnant one.

Yes, new partner knew he already had DD when she got involved, but I do not think she is being unfair in expecting his relationship with his DD to not include intimate family dates with the mother as well. It will be confusing for the new child, and DD, with the father acting in this role with two separate women and children?

apatchylass Wed 27-Mar-13 14:15:36

I'm puzzled. how come new girlfriend gets to dictate how much access your DD has to her father. he already has a family: his DD and you. It may not be a conventional one but it's not one that can get sidelined. I'd get tough, for your DD's sake but also your own. As your DD gets older you are going to want to make lots of decisions together about her future, as parents, and it will be healthier for these to be done in the context of a close friendship.

the new girlfriend has to join in the existing family or allow it to continue as it is and fit around it. She can't veto it. it exists.

EasterHoliday Wed 27-Mar-13 14:16:04

you see I see the clue in how you've expressed this - "doing things as a family". You're not a family, you've split up, and your DD effectively has two families. Not unreasonable to get together for DD's birthdays / school events etc but what if you fancy a day at Legoland - does ExH bring his new child and OW misses out? or does new child miss out? or are you really expecting to all go together like a big happy Mormon family? that's not really reasonable.

Viviennemary Wed 27-Mar-13 14:19:40

If you mean doing things as a family means you and your ex and dd all do fun things together well his new partner is right not to be happy with this. Most people wouldn't be. Because his partner is his family now. And your DD is his family but sadly not you. This must be really difficult to come to terms with and I sympathise. But if people decide to split up they must move on. That's my opinion.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 27-Mar-13 14:21:38

Yanbu.

I had a very similar situation, but thankfully for us, my ex refused to bow to his girlfriends demands that he never spends any time with me our our children, and she just has to put up with it. She doesn't like it, but my DH has no problem with it.

If this woman doesn't like the arrangements that her boyfrinds has with his first child, she should have split up with him, or refused to have a baby with him. She is very very selfish to try and dictate that things should change just because she's pregnant.

fairylightsinthesnow Wed 27-Mar-13 14:23:28

but nobody needs to miss out on anything if the new wife would consider going along on things all together. I think the OP IS in a family with the ex and her DD, its her DD's family! Its so rare that ex partners can get on this well I think its a great opportunity to model what a mature approach to this kind of thing could be and could potentially be a hugely beneficial thing for the future. What about xmas? If this can be sorted out, both children can have their dad around for the whole of Christmas day rather than alternating or splitting the day. I'd LOVE to see this work out, but the new wife needs to feel 100% secure and that is the ex's job to reassure her.

TheSecondComing Wed 27-Mar-13 14:24:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Myinboxisfull Wed 27-Mar-13 14:27:25

Yabu in seeing yourself as part of ex dp's family. Your dd, his new dp and their stb baby are his family.

It's very good that you are able to get on so well with your ex dp and, I'm sure, a benefit to your dd. His new dp should not be dictating how much time he spends with his dd but, it's not unreasonable for her to be having an opinion on him having what you call 'family time' with you.

Btw, have you got a new partner and how do they feel about this arrangement?

MimiSunshine Wed 27-Mar-13 14:42:20

So what is the GF proposing? DDs dad only sees her on set visiting hours each week?
Unfortunately for her your ex is already a father in another family, thankfully a functioning and happy one if not quite the typical 2:4 set up. It sounds like she wants her child and family to be the 'proper' one and I agree with other posters that her choice of words is very telling and this set up and family already exists. Maybe the first family outings will have to reduce once second family has a new baby in it but I don't see why it has to stop.

Her son won't know any different but your daughter will that is where this would be unfair. Therefore I think this is what you put to your ex, don't tell him what to do, just calmly point out that you're happy for the status quo to continue and for the GF and baby to be included, he'll occasionally you may even offer to babysit for them wink but if he wants to change things then he will have to explain why to DD.

complexnumber Wed 27-Mar-13 15:00:56

What if we do the usual swap scenario

So a poster worries that her new DP is being contacted by his ex, and feels threatened by her presence.

It's a tough one, but maintaining parental contact surely is of paramount concern for DD

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