If you give to one, surely you give to the other?

(74 Posts)
Shelly32 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:02:05

Had a real issue with MIL this weekend over fairness. We were over with our DDs and their three cousins were also over. At the end of the day whe the three boys were off home, I caught her trusting £5 into their hands and asking them to 'SShhh!'. I assumed she wanted to surprise our girls with the same later when we left. The boys didn't Shh about it and told me and their cousins what they were going to spend it on. The girls didn't get their 'pocket money' and the Shhhing was obviously MIL trying to hide the fact she'd given them money. MIL is one of the wealthiest people I know and although I'd never expect her to give my girls pocket money, if she's going to give one set of grandchildren pocket money, in pretty much full view, shouldn't she give all of them? I felt really over protective of my girls and spoke with DH who didn't see anything wrong with it. To me it's really odd behaviour and it made me really cross, but maybe IABU...

Why the hell didn't DH think it was wrong?

WannaBeANinja Tue 26-Mar-13 23:04:53

yanbu!!

if she's giving to the boys she should give to the girls aswell!

ask her her reasons why? if you don't mention it it will fester, you really need to mention to find out her reasoning behind it and to let her know that it really isn't fair.

I hate things like this

WafflyVersatile Tue 26-Mar-13 23:05:01

Is it at all possible that she forgot when you were leaving?

I find it odd that your DH doesn't find it odd.

BackforGood Tue 26-Mar-13 23:05:56

I'm not generally keen on all the MiL bashing that goes on, on MN, but I have to say that sounds unfair. YANBU to think it wrong.
The only exception I might make is if they were perhaps off on holiday or something and this was 'ice cream money', that yours will be given when they are off on holiday.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 26-Mar-13 23:06:01

Yanbu.

WafflyVersatile Tue 26-Mar-13 23:07:13

Or that the boys' family is harder up than your family, or that she thinks their parents are mean to them and is trying to balance it out?

That's not even convincing me.

Goldmandra Tue 26-Mar-13 23:07:13

I think it's odd that you DH didn't see anything wrong with it. Is he aware of some other way that your MIL has spent money on your girls and not them and perhaps sees it as redressing the balance?

ShootingStarsss Tue 26-Mar-13 23:08:27

I agree with you on this, we have the same problem & it really upsets me.

Why does your DH think it's not a problem?

Shelly32 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:10:37

He said his family don't work like my family and that at some point it'd all equal out. I tried to reason that kids don't think like that. If one kid gets something, the other will feel hurt if they don't get the same. He runs his own business and MIL is always trying to but her nose in over that re: colour schemes/layout ( I had to hide a yellow teapot that she thouht 'brightened up the place but that looked tacky as hell)etc. She really gets my back up and in my opinion he puts her before me but that's kind of irrelevant because that's just me and most MILs pee their DILs off. When it comes to my kids I won't stand for it. We argued big time and he did relent and call her to ask her if that was the case. FIL argued the same point my DH did, that the girls would get the same at some point but to me, kids don't look at life that way and it still just seems really odd!

willyoulistentome Tue 26-Mar-13 23:11:34

Whethet or not she should hive to one set of gc but not the other would depend on the respective families financial situations. Eg if your kids get lots of treats and the boys dont then i would not mind her helping them out. BUT if she is going to do it she should make sure dhe is very discreet about it. YANBU to be annoyed thst your girls were upset.

YANBU - are the parents circumstances particularly different? I don't think that this would make what your MIL did acceptable, but there might be a bit of logic there. My DGP treat me and my cousins differently, but as an adult I can see why. If they treated us differently as children it would have been through our parents so would have been invisible to us as children.

cantspel Tue 26-Mar-13 23:13:38

Does she see more of your children than the others?
So that when she has previously given to yours she has not given to them as she didn;t see them.

The "shh"ing means she knows it's wrong too.

Startail Tue 26-Mar-13 23:14:16

Your DH is out of order and needs to fix this PDQ. They will be upset if small, if bigger they may call her a sexist, mean old woman. I'd quite likely of simply asked if she'd forgotten, but I'm a cheeky sod,

Shelly32 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:16:59

The boys aren't off anywhere and they are better off than us. MIL didn't forget. This'll sound really manipulative and petty but I said to one DD 'Don't forget to remind Nana about your pocket money' because I had an odd feeling she wouldn't give to the girls. I know it was wrong but I hated the thought they'd miss out and maybe go home wondering why. She asked and Nana said he didn't have any spare change. I do know what I did was totally wrong and should have broached it myself but don't want to look petty over money. I probably made a bad situation worse but I didn't know how else to get what was fair. I should have manned up and just asked but judging from the response, they still don't think they've done anything wrong. It's my Dh I'm most annoyed with to be fair. They can be as odd as they like but I'd like him to feel a bit protective over our girls!

Shelly32 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:18:45

Yeah, The Shhhing did make me think that she wished I'd not eneterd the room at that point! She sees the boys every week and my girls probably once or twice a month. She could see them more if she wanted to but is too busy usually.

cantspel Tue 26-Mar-13 23:19:25

Maybe it was the fact that yours asked for money then. Maybe she thinks they are beginning to expect to be given money when she sees them and she didn't like it.

Winterwardrobetime Tue 26-Mar-13 23:21:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yfronts Tue 26-Mar-13 23:21:11

Maybe ask her what the grand kids spend her fiver on as the boys seemed very excited.

Shelly32 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:21:23

No, I've heard the boys ask for money and she gives it to them. I was shocked they asked and said so but MIL laughed and said 'If you don't ask you don't get' which is why I thought I'll be damned if my girls are missing out as they are too polite.

Yfronts Tue 26-Mar-13 23:21:52

Maybe ask her what the grand kids spend her fiver on as the boys seemed very excited.

Shelly32 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:24:49

My family is totally different. Whatever I got, my sister got. I can't see how any other way could be right. I would hate it if my children had been the ones to get the money and not their cousins and would have said something. SIL had gone so couldn't have known.

MNetBlackpoolLE Tue 26-Mar-13 23:25:47

My dd gets money from her man every week but she would never dream of asking for it, I think that's pretty rude.

My grandad used to do this, save change for one for holidays but not his brother and sister. it wasn't fair but I think ywbu to tell them to ask for it.

MNetBlackpoolLE Tue 26-Mar-13 23:27:26

Nan not man!

And xpost

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