To give them NOTHING for their wedding?

(263 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:27:59

SIL has owed us money for years-repeated attempts have been made to get her to repay but she rarely does, MIL is same AND BIL.

It is an ongoing issue and I've posted before about it.

SIL is getting married soon (huge lavish event £££) and sent us an invite-within which was a request for no present just cash in a card....

She still owes me £310 so I said to dh I am not giving them a penny.

Its bad enough I have to go to the wedding as can't stand any of dh family BUT dcs like their aunty and I can understand dh wants to see his little sister get married although I draw the line at giving the greedy sods any money. DH says he would but I have said over my dead body.

AIBU?

ariane5 Fri 29-Mar-13 15:08:09

Yes I saw gp recently they always offer me annti depressants or cbt.

Cbt just another appt that I'm too tired to go to/cant arrange childcare for and I m not sure anti d would work-they won't change the underlying problems.

I have for last couple weeks had a lady from home start come round one morning a week and it has been a godsend, she sits and plays with dd2, she makes me a cup of tea and its so nice to have somebody else there for a couple of hours, I have been able to sit and feed the baby knowing dd2 is occupied and it has been a bit of a break if you see hwhat I mean.I am still knackered but it helps.

I have distanced myself recently from issues with my family as it was all too much for me trying to help them too.

The problem left is dh/mil/sil/money. Not sure what to do about that.

nkf Fri 29-Mar-13 16:24:58

I think anti-depressants can be wonderful. They won't change the problem. Only you can do that. But they can ease your painful feelings while you deal with other problems. And then sometimes once those problems are gone, you don't need the drugs any more.

farewellfarewell Fri 29-Mar-13 16:50:10

OP I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Re the wedding either don't go at all, or go and certainly no present. Keep asking for your money back. Don't give up on that. You are doing your level best for your dc and you have my sympathies that your dh is not giving you more support re his family his mother sounds like a nightmare poor you. Family ties can be hard to break, it sounds like he can't do it? I think it is great that you are taking control of the finances and hope things start to improve soon now that he can't lend them any more money. Don't worry about dc hearing your argument, it seems to me that they are very lucky to have such a good mother, don't let yourself forget that you are doing your best and that is all you can do.

ExasperatedSigh Fri 29-Mar-13 18:17:36

God almighty. This is one of the worst family situations I've ever read about on MN, and that's saying something. It sounds like you've spent the majority of your life being shat on, ariane - by family, your spineless slug of an h and your appalling in laws. That you are still standing is total kudos to you. A lesser woman would have buckled long ago.

If you genuinely want to stay with your h, I think your only option is to move far away from the grasping IL. Otherwise nothing will ever change, you will end up ground to nothing one way or another. Tell him that since he's incapable of defending his wife and children from the predations of his family, the only option is to remove yourselves from the situation completely.

Tbh I'd add that if he can't bring himself to do it, you'll be leaving with the children anyway. I know you are in such a hard situation with their health etc, but be honest, right now you are not living. And you deserve a full life smile

I swear by anti ds, I have bad anxiety and panic disorder without them. Plus they may help you to stay well as you may be able to cope a bit more?

Also I've done cbt online with a support worker who rang me up to keep check so don't rule that out.

ariane5 Fri 29-Mar-13 21:05:37

Perhaps I should consider the anti ds then, I suppose if they lift my mood then that would help me deal with things.
Tiredness is a big factor too, that may sound silly especially as we have so many other things to deal with but the more exhausted I am the harder things are to deal with.

DH has been more willing today to talk to me, he admitted that SIL should have repaid the money and has agreed that on mon (the day mil has said she will have 20pounds for us) he will go to collect it and if as I suspect she doesn't have it he has promised he will tell her this is not good enough.

For him to even speak about it properly is progress I suppose but we will see on monday.

I took ds2 for a long walk today-first time I've been out of house in ages, I needed a break and time to think as I've been so stressed.

That's good that you got outside, it helps.

Talk to your GP and see what they suggest.

I hope he (your dh) does as he says.

CandyCrushed Fri 29-Mar-13 23:54:00

Op
I know MN etiquette is to try to treat each thread in isolation but your frequent and recent posts are so relevant to the problem this thread addresses it is hard to deal with it without considering what else id happening in your life. .

You really are having a tough time. Every aspect of your life seems to be a huge challenge and there is so much drama, all the time. I bet anyone in your position would feel stressed out. I certainly would. It is lovely to hear you speak so warmly about your children. You obviously think the world of them. (Do you think you are still able to get the eldest to go to the independant school?)

I know you had a SS referral before but do you think it might be worth looking into getting another one. Your situation is quite extreme and they may be able to offer some help or guidance.

Maryz Sat 30-Mar-13 00:14:25

I'm going to come back to this thread tomorrow, but I have just read the last few posts and I want to say that I spent 7 years saying I didn't need anti-depressants. After all, what was the point. I might have been depressed, but I was depressed about what was happening in my life and little white pills weren't going to stop that.

But I was wrong. I gave in, and it has made a massive difference. Huge. Suddenly I can look at things dispassionately and deal with them.

I'm on a very low dose of something (can't remember what) and for the first time in years I am actively interested in managing my life.

I didn't believe in medication. I still don't, not really. But I have to admit it has really helped me.

nkf Sat 30-Mar-13 08:27:55

Tiredness is a symptom of depression. Go to the GP. And what about the online/phone CBT option? That could work for you if appointments are too hard.

ariane5 Sat 30-Mar-13 14:58:06

Yes still hoping for dd1 to go to ind school (bursary is substantial, I have cut back on things and am saving what I can behind dh back, not a lot but luckily topping up fees isn't too bad due to brilliant bursary %).

I know I have posted a lot recently I just have nobody in rl to talk things through with and I feel so isolated sometimes.
That said my brother came to see me today, he was talking about the issues we have in our family and how difficult things are, he understrands but as I don't see him often we rarely get to talk.

CandyCrushed Sat 30-Mar-13 17:16:22

That will be fantastic if your eldest gets to go to the independant school. anything to make things easier. smile I am glad you had a chat with your brother. It must be hard to meet RL people as you don't drive and must be so busy with your Kids.
Are there any clubs or support groups locally? I know MN is a great resource but it can't replace real life relationships and support.
Will you have a bit more time now that you have stepped back from your mum and sister?
You needn't be shy of asking for help from local groups. You sound like you NEED help.

Gossipmonster Sat 30-Mar-13 17:17:17

I feel your pain OP.

I only ever hear from SIL/MIL/ OH's 17 yr old son when they want money.

OH is away at sea a lot and they never ever contact me to see if I am ok, SIL is on my FB and didn't even wish me a happy birthday, yet I am sure I will get a text soon enough seeing if I can butter up OH to give her holiday money or whatever that we will never see again. Last yr he gave her £400 as she was going on holiday abroad but was skint, just before Xmas he "lent" his mum £200 as she was skint (and she doesn't work GRRRRRR!).

Yes put a note in the card :D

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