SONS GIRLFRIEND - ARE WE BEING UNREASONABLE?

[MINNACK]

never done this before so will try and keep it simple


our sons girlfriend is lovely and we genuinely love her but we feel a little put upon lately.

the two nights per week we agreed to let her stay over have turned into three and four now and we are finding it a little hard going as we never get the house to ourselves and every weekend is spoken for. not to mention the extra mouth to feed etc. she never contributes financially to takeaways etc but is on a very good wage.

just lately she has taken to raiding the fridge and cupboard when she feels like it and it using food we thought we had for ourselves and set menus etc - on top she is gradually just putting her washing in the laundry and instead of me having less work as our children grow - my workload is increasing. when she is here - she never helps me around the house and literally leaves a trail of mess everywhere she goes and i have to tidy it all up.

like i said we love her but all this is starting to grate on our nerves and we fear it will spoil our relationship.

any advice would be greatly appreciated

thank you

[YouTheCat]

How old are they?

I'd be helping them to get a deposit together and getting them both to shuffle off.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

How old?

I'd convene a family meeting

[waterrat]

blimey, you need to just be honest! Surely it's not that difficult? She is massively unreasonable - and you should stop worrying/ thinking about it and just sit down and say - we love you , but here are the house rules...

How old are they? It is your son who needs to behave better as well. If she is not contributing - ie. acting like you are her mum and dad basically and expecting you to pay for stuff - then you need to start charging rent. They are both taking the piss!

[choirmum]

YANBU at all. It's your home in which she is welcomed as a guest, it's not a hotel with 24hr room service! I think a conversation needs to be had but I appreciate that it's not easy and you don't want to cause upset.

[CognitiveOverload]

I think you just need to speak to her diplomatically. How old is she?

[niceguy2]

I feel your pain. My DD's BF is constantly here. I'd say 6 nights a week. Not sure how old your son & his GF are. Sounds maybe a bit older than my DD who is 16.

What I've done is set a strict kicking out time of 10pm because it was getting stupid before and I only feed him now if there's spare food if she hasn't prewarned me that he's coming for dinner. I also now include him in the chores and he's just finished sweeping up and washing up!

I think you need to have a word with your son and if that doesn't work just boot her out. It's such a pain in the arse. They just don't see it. You just can't relax in your own home!

[Salmotrutta]

If she leaves a trail of stuff, just gather it up, plonk it on her and say "I believe this is yours".

Then chuck a tea-towel at her and say "Make yourself useful love"

[Salmotrutta]

But then I'm aright grumpy cow if people take the piss.

Which is what she is doing.

[BertieBotts]

I had a bf practically move in when I was 18 and my mum started charging him for food - I think you need to make a set boundary - she comes 2 nights a week or less, or she contributes, or they move out if they want to spend so much time together.

[waterrat]

I think you must have been far too nice and accommodating to her so she now thinks you don't mind her treating the place like this. Call a family meeting - unless you think it would be better to talk to your son first. tell him exactly what you have written here - say your costs and work have been increased by the pair of them and that you are not happy.

[Salmotrutta]

You could be sneaky and the next time she eats something you had set aside for a special treat march in on them and accuse your son...

"X, did you eat that key lime pie your Dad and I were looking forward too??"

[limitedperiodonly]

Say something to your son. She's being thoughtless but he may have led her to believe it's okay.

I remember with shame doing this at now DH's flatshare at 25 with no idea because he didn't tell me. To be fair, he was paying his fair share, and I bought food and cooked for takeaway-living blokes, but I still would have paid something if asked.

One flatmate does send me an xmas card 20 years on and the other one is my BIL, so I couldn't have been that bad.

[dinkystinky]

How old are they? Could you set a few rules - 3 nights a week Max, provide their own snacks themselves between , do laundry at your own home or yourself - to make you feel happier about things?

[Creameggkr]

Oh it's horrible isnt it? My ds 2 had a gf here all the time but I was a single mum with a baby and simu couldn't afford to keep another adult. We had many rows then one day she used my very expensive conditioner in the shower and I was fuming. That same day she had a go at me via ds for eating one of her poxy caramel shortbreads. I showed her the she was in the parents bed!! she was dosed up on calpol and had a drink.What earthly reason was there to get up with her? door and chucked her caramel shortbreads after her cheeky moo.
Ds3 had a lovely gf who stayed here sometimes or he stayed at hers so ok. Then she gleefully announced her pregnancy at 18
Ill never forget the look of surprise on their faces when I informed them they weren't living here.

[Creameggkr]

I have absolutely no idea where that post came from! Not sure I like this I phone

[firesidechat]

I'm in a similar position except the bf is not earning much at all, but probably will soon. Because of this I don't mind that he doesn't pay towards his food. To be fair he doesn't eat that many meals here, sometimes buys his own food and is always careful not to be a burden.

In your situation I think a word with your son would be my first move. His gf, his responsibility.

I sympathize hugely with the lack of personal space and every weekend would test my patience to the limit.

So YANBU.

[oldraver]

No matter how nice she is you are going to have to say soemthing. Sit them down and have a word

[Yfronts]

Sit down and have a meeting. House rules including how many nights a week sleeping over, what days they will cook meals (after buying the ingredients themselves) and write out a list and let them choose what cleaning activities they want on their rota. They are young adults and all should be pulling their weight. Say something to your son about the mess trail.

[PureQuintessence]

She is not very nice and lovable if she is treating you and your home this disrespectfully.

[BackforGood]

If she considers herself "family" enough to be staying in your home for more than half of each week, then she is "family" enough for you to be able to have an open and honest conversation with her / them.
You need to say that if she is going to be living here half the week, then you all need to sit and sort out on what terms - how much she should be contributing, which meals she and your ds are cooking, which you are cooking, how you split the laundry / cleaning the bathroom, etc, what they are contributing towards utilities, who does the shop, what you are going to do about knowing if something in the fridge / cupboard is ear marked for a particular meal, etc.
Emphasise that it's lovely she feels so comfortable here, but clearly if this is going on for any length of time, it's better to set ground rules now, than have any resentment build up.
All said with a amile - how can anyone object ?

[ChaoticisasChaoticdoes]

She's taking the piss, you have to say something.

[mumofweeboys]

Yep you need a chat with son and gf. Def time to set some rules. If they are funny start charging her board.

[DiscoDonkey]

You need to talk to your son. Just say "sorry but two nights a week is enough, if you want to live together then move out"

As for her washing just leave it in the dirty basket, cheeky moo.

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

I think this was me, once.

If my in-laws are reading this I probably need to apologise! Looking back I realise it was a bit cheeky, but at the time I had teenage blinkers on and didn't think they'd mind.

[fryingpantoface]

We had a family rule growing up that said as soon as a guest had been in the house 24 hours, they were treated as family. They got chores to do, and were expected to help out