to start to reduce our playdates because her son is naughty?

(48 Posts)
Theicingontop Mon 25-Mar-13 16:54:43

I have an old neighbour with a son four months younger than mine (they both have their third birthdays this year), so every week or so we have playdates. With the weather being as it has the last few months they've mainly been inside, and usually at my house because I have more room.

The thing is, her son has always had a bit of a temper, and it hasn't been a huge problem until recently when he's started to get a bit stronger. That coupled with the fact she's 6 months pregnant, it's getting harder to control him physically. He runs riot in my house, today he broke a lamp, pulled all plugs out of their sockets, threw wooden playfood at my son's head and tried to knock the TV off its stand. He's broken countless toys and ripped countless books to date. It's getting a bit much.

Would I look like a precious cow if I asked if we could stop for now and resume when the weather's better, so we could meet up outside?

YANBU - go for it smile

TheSecondComing Mon 25-Mar-13 16:56:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArteggsMonkey Mon 25-Mar-13 16:57:12

Yanbu to not want your house wrecking. If that makes you a precious cow, I must be one too.

spottyparrot Mon 25-Mar-13 16:58:00

That's an absolutely ludicrous level of damage. I'd stop immediately.

Poppet48 Mon 25-Mar-13 16:58:46

YANBU and I would offer to pay for any damages my son occurred in your home, I would also be very hesitant about them coming round again if he is deliberately hurting your DS.

Have you got a playpen? If so you could suggest that Her son stay in there at all times they play in there for the time being.

VitoCorleone Mon 25-Mar-13 17:01:59

Fucking hell, if a child was causing that much damage in my home then they would not be coming back.

YANBU

Definitely stop the playdates at your house with that amount of damage!

I have stopped various people coming over for playdates over the years when I have found I don't particularly like their behaviour.

I invite children round to have a good time with my DS, but not if it involves supervision or tidying up by me.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Mon 25-Mar-13 17:22:41

I have done exactly that in the past, usually I just say busy, so it isn't awkward. Then you can try again later, see if it was a phase.

cupcake78 Mon 25-Mar-13 17:27:49

YANBU! I have done similar after toys being broken, books being ripped. Ds bedroom being systematically destroyed and just left. Demands for rubbish food, searching through the fridge, climbing on kitchen benches. All this and refusing to play with ds or causing fights. They are 5 and I've stopped asking friend round after school.

It's a shame because my friend is lovely its just her son that drives me mad. I'm sick of thing him off.

cupcake78 Mon 25-Mar-13 17:28:23

*telling

CandyCrushed Mon 25-Mar-13 17:33:41

YANBU. Not even a little bit.

If you were feeling generous you could try and have the little boy over without the Mum. You could then watch him carefully and tell him what is and is not allowed at your house. I find some kids behaviour improves when their parents are not there.

raisah Mon 25-Mar-13 19:25:35

Has he got an undiagnosed anger management problem? Nu friends ds is like this, just clips suddenly so is being seen nu ed psych. Reduceer thee frequency of meet ups, weekly to fournituren etc. hopefully ut
Wolk warm ups soon

slippysofa Mon 25-Mar-13 20:14:31

YANBU but good luck telling the Mum that. I had a new kitchen fitted and a friend + 4yr old came round to play. 4yr old was opening and banging the kitchen doors so I gently stopped her and said "careful now" (or words to that effect) and her mum said indulgently "oh, she'll be alright." She might be, but my kitchen cupboards might not! She hasn't been round that often since.

FannyFifer Mon 25-Mar-13 20:22:21

Sod that, what the mum did to try and sort it would be the deal breaker for me.
Did she try & stop him, offer to pay or just smile indulgently.

I had a play date friend who's son was appallingly behaved, she was so pathetic in dealing with his behaviour that it was very stressful.

We are no longer friends thank feck.

Theicingontop Mon 25-Mar-13 20:33:48

Hmm I don't know raisah, I couldn't say. He doesn't listen to his mum very well, just ignores her really. Once at her house, I asked if I could put him on a naughty step, to see if it would work with him, as that's what works with DS. She agreed so I did, and it seemed to work. He didn't move and he apologised straight afterward, but she said afterwards it doesn't work for her and a smack on the hand is better for him.

I'm not going to argue with her, not my business, but I really think it's best if we cool off the playdates... I find myself babyproofing the house before he comes, putting up extra babygates and hiding photoframes and toys with pointy edges. Just hassle really...

Do you think she'd take huge offence if I was honest or should I make up an excuse?

SamuelWestsMistress Mon 25-Mar-13 20:38:55

YANBU. We've had loads of toys broken, a TV screen smashed, a window left with a dent and more bashes on doors and walls than I care to think. I HATE having play dates at my house but like you because we have more space it seems to mean that it always ends up being at ours no matter how much I try to swerve it away otherwise!

These aren't caused by thug children, just over enthusiastic ones! I can barely cope with the chaos my own cause let alone other people's!

Domjolly Mon 25-Mar-13 20:46:34

Be prepared to loose her as a mate smae thng happend to me i had friend who son was a similar age to mine it was fab a first as we all got on so well but her son was getting into alot of fights at school, she would often ring me thinking he was at my house were he had absconded

It came to a head when he was caught with some legal high thing at school

My sons a teen btwsmile

I had to slowly back away i really didnt feel confident about her parenting she just kept saying boys will be boys and i was thinking well my boys not acting like that

BatmanLovesVodkaAndCherryade Mon 25-Mar-13 20:56:03

I think she would be offended if you told her the truth... but it may be what she needs, iyswim.

FernieB Mon 25-Mar-13 20:57:09

YANBU - when my DD's were preschoolers I also had a friend with a son who was very similar - he once emptied my freezer, jumped up and down on the table, threw toys at everyone and when it was time for them to go, ran off up the road and tried to get into a neighbours garden. He completely ignored his mum who didn't seem to have a clue what to do with him or even seem to realise that his behaviour was not acceptable. He'd been badly behaved on several other meetings, but that time was the last straw and I refused to have him back in the house.

I'm afraid I took the coward's way out and told her that I couldn't meet up any more as my DD's now had swimming lessons on that day (I worked part time so could only meet one day anyway). Often wish I'd been honest and told her that her son's behaviour was not acceptable. I did tell him that in front of her once and she didn't seem to notice he was being told off.

We didn't see them again and did not miss them. Incidentally, he ended up going to the same preschool and school as another friend and apparently was a right tearaway there too. His mum went on to have 4 more children and as far as I have heard all of them are fairly similar.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 25-Mar-13 20:59:55

I would just stop inviting her to yours, or if she suggests a get together at your house, say you'd prefer to meet in a coffee shop or soft play or somewhere. Or say you can come to her on your way back from somewhere.

I wouldn't tell her you don't want her child in your home. YANBU to not want her child in your home, but there are more diplomatic ways of achieving that without telling her you think she can't control her child.

DontmindifIdo Mon 25-Mar-13 21:04:38

YANBU - I've been having a similar thoughts about another dear friend who's DS is a bit of "a handful" at the moment, she's also pregnant and just not doing the discipline she used to, and her 3 year old DS is just being horrible, mean and bullying. I have taken the decision to limit playdates until after she's had the baby and we can do playing outside. It should be easy with easter to be 'busy' a lot for a few weeks, by which point we are supposed to have better weather.

It's also worth having some excuses not to have playdates at your house, can your DH be 'working from home and needs peace' ? that sort of thing? Quite rude of her not to take it in turns to have you over as well.

DontmindifIdo Mon 25-Mar-13 21:07:09

oh and other reasons for not meeting up in your house, add things like - "Oh DS is being a nightmare if he doesn't get a change of scenary at the moment, can we meet at soft play/the park etc?"

Also, if there's any toddler groups near you, suggest she comes with you, then you've seen her at a situation where the toys he can break aren't yours, you can relax that it's not your job to deal with it.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 25-Mar-13 21:15:01

Yanbu. That is an unacceptable level of damage. You'll have no house left if the visits continue!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Mon 25-Mar-13 21:16:12

Yes, agree with Dontmind, I often said 'I need to get out' or similar or blamed my low housework standards for not wanting to be home.

It is amazing how many excuses one can make with kids!

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