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To think that my DH is a selfish fucking shit head?

(83 Posts)
WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 14:56:28

I withdrew an application for a less stressful job today as on Friday DH said he would be a SAHD so I could carry on doing the job that I have. (He's currently unemployed.) I was going for the other job as I have MH issues and I couldn't cope with doing the running around after the children AND my current role, but I've been managing really well since he has been at home as I can do my job so long as I'm not doing the rest.

As this was all decided, I withdrew my application this morning, happy that I can carry on doing my job with his support.

He's just called me to tell me he's accepted a job and will start on Tuesday and its an early start in the opposite direction to where we live and where the kids go to school and nursery, so I'll have to go back to running around after the children and getting them out in the morning and home and fed in the evening. Its not even a great job, its fucking warehouse work earning only just over fucking minimum wage and he didn't even ask me first, he said yes and then called me with a fait accomplis.

I am angry and really upset in equal measure. If he had said he was going to take a job as soon as it was offered, there is no way I would have withdrawn my application, but he PROMISED. He fucking well PROMISED me he would stay at home and support me.

I don't actually give a shit if you think I'm being U for calling him a selfish fucking shit head, because he fucking well is.

pigletpower Tue 26-Mar-13 22:35:44

So how do you 'remember the conversation'? Are you sure you're not being gaslighted? If you feel ok about this then fine.Rang bells for me though.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 26-Mar-13 00:51:54

Seems like the DCs will end up in a lot more childcare, how does this compare to the minimum wage DH will be earning? Just seems impractical to me when it's likely OP and DCs would have easier life if DH stayed at home.

I'll forgive you but only because I'm stealing your humphy face expression. I make enough of them, they should have a name. Glad DH is being less of a wanker. Keep him to the agreement.

RubySparks Mon 25-Mar-13 20:04:06

Hi wilted - I was following your other thread (namechanged since then) about trying to decide whether to go for the less stressful job! Sorry it looks like that didn't work out this time- might there be other chances to move post? Or is part-time any more possible now? I'm still trying to decide what to do, got some time off over Easter so I'm going to think through my options... MyDH will find out soon if he finishes at end May or if there may be another year's funding so that may influence me. I also have a course that I could possibly return to in September... But that would mean not working or taking leave of absence. I just heard about a big re-org at work today too, no idea what that means for me yet, rumour is management layers being reduced by redeploying them elsewhere! So I think things may have changed here in a month or two but might not be in a good way! Hope your job situation gets better for you.

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 19:57:27

Och, one wee humphy face MrsTP and it was at some of the more outrageous comments that were made. I know everyone posted with the best intentions though.

LineRunny - when I was posting I assumed he was going to leave me to do all of the picking up and dropping off while he rode to work and back. What he's arranged is that on some days he'll do the massive round trip to take the kids to childcare earlier and pick them up later so I'm not doing it every day.

It's still going to be hard and it may not work out, but we'll give it a go. I still wish I'd not withdrawn my application and I'm still a bit hacked off about that, but trying to work out some kind of compromise for the situation we're now in is better than staying pissed off.

I had a giant grade A killer rant. It turns out he wasn't as much of a twat that I thought he was. I'm usually excessively reasonable. Today, not so much.

LineRunnyEgg Mon 25-Mar-13 19:03:21

OP
and [he] has spoken to childcare about having kids earlier / later so I don't have to do all of the running around, even though it means doing a big round trip

But that's exactly what you said was fucking you off in your original post.

Bogeyface Mon 25-Mar-13 18:59:21

BIt late but, I would not have assumed that things were going back the way they were but asked "how are you going to do the school runs with this job as you said you would?"

Just make sure that he keeps his side of the bargain and that it doesnt slide back into you doing everything after a few mornings of "I am running late, could you take the kids today......."

Oh, and all the hmm faces OP... That's great in your situation but in a lot of situations where a partner does something in full knowledge that the other partner's MH will be affected and does it with timing to remove options from that partner, yes, it would be abusive.

Maybe not in your case but the hmm faces are a bit rich, frankly. Just trying to help you and all that.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 25-Mar-13 18:50:51

x-post

Make sure that when you talk later you don't agree to do more than you can comfortably do and if you still feel that the only was it will physically work out it's going to be too much for you then tell him that it's not going to work, you'd rather he was looking after the kids than working minimum wage (that you don't totally need) and perhaps discuss the kind of job/hours he could do that would work for you all as a family and ask him to look for a job that fits that criteria - OR say you'll give it a months trial but that it's HIS job that will have to go if it doesn't work out.

Also, it sounds a bit like he's worked out what to say to you to make you less angry, as surely he would KNOW that he'd agreed to do the childcare or you wouldn't have withdrawn your application for the other job hmm

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 18:50:36

I'm still a bit pissed about him taking it without talking to me first, and I'm sure that the convo we had about him staying home is somewhere in between our two recollections, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

He's sounding slightly less of a twunt. However, actions not words...

Glad to hear that he has at least thought about the practical issues and isn't expecting you to pick up the pieces.

<<removes MrWiltedSpinach from blacklist>>

ChippingInIsEggceptional Mon 25-Mar-13 18:45:30

Definitely don't jack your job in - when you live with a selfish, stupid, fucking twat you need to be able to earn a good wage yourself if you can.

He is being beyond selfish, thoughtless & stupid. Doesn't he care about you as a person at all? Why would he put you in this situation?

I would simply ask him how he plans on doing the childcare now because, as you have explained to him, you can't do it & he agreed to do it. Let it be his problem how it gets done. Stupid fucking wanker.

Good.

I love to be proven wrong in these kinds of cases! grin

Tailtwister Mon 25-Mar-13 18:44:59

Oh, sorry OP. Just read your recent post. Hope you manage to sort things out.

Tailtwister Mon 25-Mar-13 18:44:02

From what I've read, he's completely out of order. He agreed he would be at home so you could be the major wage earner. He will need to quit.

AnastasiaBieverhausen Mon 25-Mar-13 18:36:05

<calls off hitmen>

<phew>

WiltedSpinach Mon 25-Mar-13 18:35:03

grin @ a bit dim.

Well I'm home and we've Talked. He remembers the conversation being that he'd do the childcare if nothing turned up in the next few weeks, not it being set in stone. He thought it would take some of the pressure off if he was earning too and has spoken to childcare about having kids earlier / later so I don't have to do all of the running around, even though it means doing a big round trip.

So perhaps I was a bit harsh calling him a selfish shit head after all. More things to discuss when the kids are in bed. But not an abusive bastard. Who knew. hmm

Snuppeline Mon 25-Mar-13 18:34:29

I would do as some of the others have suggested in asking him how he plans to organise the children's school/nursery runs twice a day. Just let him know that he can take any job he likes so long as he keeps to his promise of taking that load off you. You should also let him know that working full time does not mean he can step out of household chores and that he must be the one to stay at home when the children are I'll. Then you can tell him you support him in doing this job if its what he really wants.

Try to be a bit crafty here. He promised, by promising to be a SAHD to take the load of children/house off you. He has now chosen to seek work, that does not mean he can opt out of the promise he made to you abour the offloading. So ask him how he plans to sort out children and the blow up in his face if he dares to suggest that you do those things again.

I agree with th poster who said men always do what they want work-wise and expect the women to sort everything out around them - that's my experience anyway sad

RedHelenB Mon 25-Mar-13 18:27:11

Right , well I'd be tempted to tell him you've unilaterally decided to jack your job in!

Arse arse arse arse arse.

I completely missed that you had withdrew (withdrawn?) your application, so much going on lately.. sad

catsmother Mon 25-Mar-13 18:01:06

I'm really sorry you're going through this Wilted - believe me, I know exactly how it feels to be stuck in a stressful job that's making you ill and trying to keep everything going at the same time. I don't know what your MH issues are (and am not asking) but, for example, if the stress was causing you extreme anxiety and/or sleepless nights then you must have felt as if some of the weight had been lifted from you once you'd discussed this plan of action to help alleviate some of the stress.

And now that's gone.

I obviously don't know your DH but it does seem to me as if something other than mere thoughtlessness prompted him to do what he did and that was break a promise to you without any prior warning or discussion, which basically dumped you back in the shit you were so desperate to escape from. Thing is, thoughtlessness, to me, is when you do something - maybe on the spur of the moment, maybe 'cos you're caught up in excitement - without pausing to think through all the implications that decision might have upon other people. You don't mean any deliberate harm - you've just got carried away, and hadn't thought. Maybe even there were consequences to your decision that you wouldn't have thought of unless someone else informed you.

But this ..... he knew what the deal was for you. He knew you're currently finding everything too stressful to cope with without it impacting upon your mental health. He knew he'd made you a promise. He knew that you could only continue in your current stressful role if he supported you by being at home. So - what he did wasn't thoughtless because he'd already been fully aware of the bigger picture before he acted.

I don't know what prompted him to do what he did I really don't. Yes, selfishness at the very least. Do what he wants and sod the effect on you. Have you actually had any sort of explanation and justification from him yet ? I just can't understand why a supposedly loving partner would jeopardise their partner's MH unless they'd already found solutions for the tasks which their partner was finding too much. If he does have the answer to that then great but if he's expecting you to pick up the pieces and then metaphorically fall to pieces in the process then that's appalling.

BOEUF Mon 25-Mar-13 17:29:25

I imagine that he has probably thought that having the kids is hard going, and getting a job is his Get Out Of Jail Free card, while completely forgetting that it isn't just pixies who pick up the slack, but YOU. And that you can't do that in your current job. Is he usually a bit dim?

fuzzpig Mon 25-Mar-13 17:16:57

Totally disgusting behaviour. Not the behaviour of a dedicated family man at all. To be honest I don't think I'd want him in charge of my DCs if he clearly doesn't want to do the whole 'kids thing'.

I thought selfish and thoughtless rather than abusive. Interesting timing though, that he doesn't get a job until you've done what he wants and turned down the less stressful work hmm - is it something he particularly didn't want you to do?

Apologies if I missed you saying otherwise but it is very dishonest to have hidden the fact he was looking for work.

Love the fact that it's fine for you to be stressed up to the eyeballs with childcare you are a woman after all but oh no he is far too good for SAH. Twat.

i think in the absence of any other evidence, it's fucking selfish, rather than abusive.

and to that end, you have to sit down with him and tell him that he cannot take the job, and if he does, knowing full well how stressed and unwell you are, working and having to do more childcare than he does (and that his job will not cover all your expenditure), that you will have to rethink what's best for your marriage.
and that he must think of the family, including you, not himself, and that any decisions that are made must be made together.
the job he's accepted is not suitable for your needs as a family, and he has agreed ([promised) to be a SAHD for the foreseeable future. he has to stick by his promise until he can get a job that can pay towards the extra money required for a childminder.

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