AIBU WRT children and adult conversation being interupted?(64 Posts)
Wasnt really sure how to word the OP.
I see a friend, who I love to bits, but I find it difficult to hold her attention to a conversation. I wondered if anyone else did this themselves? Or like me, is on the recieving end of it.
She was fine when our toddlers were babies, but now conversing with her can be rather painful.
Id not seen her in weeks, she knew Id split from my partner so it was one of the first things she asked. I began to tell her, but she'd be constantly tickling and playing with her toddler, blowing raspberries on him, laughing with him, talking to him. As though I wasnt in the room, let alone answering her question.
She'll do it with her eldest too, although its not so bad now her her first DC is no longer a toddler.
Is it a bit rude, or AIBU and this is usual once your a parent?
I have children myself but when someone is talking to me they have my attention. Unless of course child needs a wee or is hurt or something obviously.
When my sisters and i had little babies and toddlers and were meeting up we could talk very in depth for probably four or five hours while making the kids lunch ,fetching drinks,painting,sitting in garden .I think the kids enjoyed our incessant chat actually .
Yanbu - this really pisses me off. I have a friend like this and when her son was around 3 he'd constantly interrupt and a 5 min conversation would take an hour. Now he's 13 and it's bloody worse to the point of painful. She lives far away so I get to see her probably twice a year so we have a lot to chat about. When she comes to mine I make sure kids are in bed so we can have a good chat. The last time I went to hers he was allowed to stay up but the whole time he interrupted with "who's that?" "Why did he say that?" "what's that?" Aargh FFS you don't know the people or need to so fuck off to bed!!!!!! Sorry slipped into a rant there :-0
But yeah it's annoying.
I teach the teens who are the result of this kind of parenting: talk about me,me,me. Right now.
DD was always told: In a minute, and I always made sure it was.
I remember once when she was little she raised her hand at the dinner table to get her oar in.
Kiwiinkits - sounds like you've let your child think she's the "centre of the universe".
My best mate and i have 3 children each, all one year apart. So in the early days we had 6 children with us when we met up - all under 6!
We had deep meaningful conversations non stop while tending to all our kids needs at the same time. Lunches, disputes, nappies, cuddles, rubs for bumped heads - never a break in the chit chat
It is possible. And - gasp - the kids suffered not a jot for not being the absolute center of our attention for a couple of hours.
I have a friend who has no kids. She loved/loves my DDs like nieces, but i could tell when they were little that she found it frustrating to have them around when she wanted a 'proper' conversation. She was used to adult only company and wanted 100% of me, not just 98%. She just wasn't used to being 2 people at once - friend and mother. I could hear her doing that stopping in mid sentence because she thought i wasn't listening thing while i was feeding baby or whatever. I used to think - oh grow up! I am listening! I just cant be looking right at you at the moment! Never said it though
Kiwi - surely it's your job to teach her she's not?
It's a long process though. I would think it would be very optimistic to suppose a 2yo could sit perfectly quietly for several hours with only a small 'pleasemayIgotothetoiletIneedaweemummy' every so often. Sure, it's the ideal, but it's not usually realistic. I know for instance that I can either have DD running around and playing with stuff (in my own house) and have an uninterrupted conversation; or have her sitting perfectly still and include her in the conversation from time to time (in other people's houses where there are no toys and lots of breakable things). Of course I bring toys, sticker books and colouring things with me, but that won't keep her happy for a whole afternoon.
I'm kind of with kiwi in that toddlers are inherently self-centred; even if we spend a lot of time teaching them to wait their turn and be quiet. I don't think it's a parenting failure if they think they are the centre of the universe at that stage, more so if they still do when they have the maturity for empathy.
I wouldn't be too happy at being brought to, say, DH's single friend's house, have them witter on about cycling for five straight hours, and have nothing to do but sit on the sofa looking straight ahead with nobody paying a blind bit of attention to me. TBH I think my having a long conversation about, say, employment regulations with my childless friends must feel much the same to a two year old.
No one has mentioned sitting quietly for hours, have they? I don't think that is even ideal. What would be normal is for the toddlers to play with the toys, the mothers chat, conversation is interrupted now and then to get drinks/wipes bums/soothe bumped heads. What isn't normal is for one mother to play with her child while ignoring the other mother.
Not at all Maja, sorry if I came across that way. I do think that a mother ignoring her friend to play with the child is bad manners; what I was disagreeing with was some of the comments directed at kiwi - my personal feeling is that it's more complicated than "your toddler thinks they're the centre of the universe because you've made it that way".
Sadly, a lot of people have really crap social skills, and don't realise how ignorant they're being. I've known women who are like that, and to be honest I just stopped seeing them, because I didn't enjoy the experience.
I've brought up our DDs to wait, before interupting me if I'm speaking to someone else, unless it's really urgent. But, as others have said I've never been an Entertainer Mum, and am nonplussed by those who are.
I once went on a play-date, expecting the kids to play while me and the Mum drank coffee and chatted, and ate our own weight in biscuits...instead, the Mum expected us all to get down on the carpet and play with the kids, the whole time...sing songs, play with teddies, build a train track, look through books...I was like, WTAF
Didn't go back there again.
This is a pet hate of mine.
I have a friend who revels in the fact that her children cling to her and need her all the time. She recoils when she hears me say 'Mummys speaking'
I am hands up not great at the whole getting on the floor and playing imaginary games type of thing. I will read to them, speak to them, cook with them, go to museums, parks etc but I just hate building blocks, barbies etc
I think today that makes me a bad mum - Oh well.
I think it is rude. My mum does this with my dd. She 'mmmm's to everything I say; I know she isnt hearing a word!
It depends on the degree... It's impossible to shut out a toddler completely if s/he wants your attention but actively stimulating a child and encouraging him or her to play when you are obviously wanting to talk is quite rude.
I have a friend like this who I can't meet up with anymore because I just feel so ignored the whole time. She also completely dominates whatever we're doing with her toddler's schedule, even though I've got a three year old and a 10 month old. So if we're sitting having a coffee, she'll suddenly announce that she has to leave and walk as her toddler needs his nap and will only nap in the buggy. So I either have to drag my two with her, or let her leave. And the whole time she's constantly talking to him. And if I do manage to have a conversation with her then it's usually about her son. If I ever talk about my two, or myself she kinds states blankly. Does my head in.
My sister's like it too on the phone. Sometimes I'll need to hang up on her as she literally spends 75% of the phone call talking to her kids! Drives me mental
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