To be hurt by DH wanting to go out with his friends on our anniversary?

(40 Posts)
woozlebear Mon 25-Mar-13 12:04:59

Tomo is our (4th) wedding anniversary. For background, until now we've always timed a holiday to coincide, and this year will be the first time we haven't (mutual decision, no problem, we decided to go somewhere in May instead). But it means this year is the first time we'll be at home, going to work as normal. We also decided we'd rather go out for a meal to celebrate over Easter weekend than tomorrow night, so we don't have anything particular planned tomorrow.

DH has just emailed me saying some of his friends have suggested meeting up after work tomorrow. He hasn't asked if I mind, or mentioned the fact that it's our anniversary, just said 'we don't have any plans, do we? I won't be late'. I'm feeling quite hurt, as although we don't have anything specific planned, I'd assumed we would try to spend a nice evening together.

It's not like he's forgotton btw, we were talking about when to go out to dinner this morning. I haven't replied yet - not sure what to say. Don't want to stop him going out (If he'd rather see his friends than me on our anniversary there's no point guilt tripping him into staying in!) but equally want him to know I find it hurtful.

BackforGood Mon 25-Mar-13 23:20:19

Hahahahaha! So, I hadn't replied yet and DH has just emailed me and then rang me in a panic saying 'I misread the date in the calendar, I'm so sorry!'

Aha! - He's really a MNer then... I wonder what his nick name is ? wink

I think you are being a bit precious and over sensitive FWIW - you've already arranged to go out for your celebration at the weekend, so why would he think you were doing something special on the day too ? confused If I were him, I too would have assumed the "celebrating the anniversary" was on the 'meal out' day too, so therefore no problem if someone asked me to do something else on the actual day.
If this does really upset you though, let him know. After the anniversary, just tell him it felt really wierd (for you) being on your own on your anniversary, so you were wondering if from now on you could revert to making sure you spend the actual day together, as you hadn't realised how important it was to you, when you agreed to move it to a convenient weekend. Resolved then for the future.

Thumbwitch Mon 25-Mar-13 23:10:18

Hurrah! so glad it worked out well smile

grin excellent ending, have a lovely evening OP!

MrsCampbellBlack Mon 25-Mar-13 15:35:41

Oh I'm glad he realised smile

DropIceCubesDownTheVestOfFear Mon 25-Mar-13 15:28:27

I was just reading the thread thinking 'I bet he's just made a mistake with the date'...then I saw your latest post OP grin Tbf, I forgot my own first wedding anniversary. My excuse is it wasn't a date I was familiar with yet!

livinginwonderland Mon 25-Mar-13 15:21:05

aww! cute ending smile hope you have a good anniversary OP!

JuneChurch Mon 25-Mar-13 15:16:05

Glad you got it sorted!

maddening Mon 25-Mar-13 15:08:48

Was going to suggest replying that you had been planning hot anniversary sex but if he would rather have a pint with his chums ....

But it seems he is after all a good egg smile

Awww, that's a lovely ending!

woozlebear Mon 25-Mar-13 14:47:42

Hahahahaha! So, I hadn't replied yet and DH has just emailed me and then rang me in a panic saying 'I misread the date in the calendar, I'm so sorry!'.

grin grin grin

blush but thanks for a nice non-flamey AIBU everyone smile

grovel Mon 25-Mar-13 13:36:01

I'm afraid I agree with your last sentence (but feel for you because what you feel is real).

woozlebear Mon 25-Mar-13 13:22:06

I don't feel like I'm reading anything into it (I don't feel like he prefers to see his friends over me in general, or doesn't love me , or anything like that). And I really don't want to make him stay in if he wants to go out. I'm just hurt that he doesn't instintively want to see me that evening. Accept that's a bit precious tho.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 25-Mar-13 13:12:08

Well, if he was mine I'd make my feelings known. You are at a relatively early stage in your marriage and so you might as well be upfront regarding what you want, rather than being all polite and silently feeling sad about it. Set the tone sooner rather than later.

quesadilla Mon 25-Mar-13 13:07:06

Think you may be reading too much into it though I understand why. But he has almost certainly not taken on board how upset you are likely to. Tell him.

Startail Mon 25-Mar-13 13:01:50

In my experience men are far better at practical day to day being there than being romantic on a particular day.

After 25 years (celebrated two days late, when it was convenient) I've given up any hope of consistent, birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day etc gestures. Chocolates and flowers did appear in Mothersday and I'd specifically told him not to bother as I knew he was ridiculously busy.

You can't win. You can moan, I do frequently, but service does not improve.

woozlebear Mon 25-Mar-13 12:57:59

Quacks They all live / work fairly close. V easy for DH to seem them anytime. He sees them a few times a year. They go back a long way and they're fairly close I suppose but they don't meet up that often. No particular reason (and I have never in all our time together asked him not to see them on a particular day), they just don't bother v often. Which I suppose is why I'm a bit hmm about this plan for tommorrow.

No real previous of giving them priority except once when I came home early from a trip to see family due to awful fight (relating to years of abuse which DH knows about) and spent all day howling. DH came in, patted me on the back and promply went round the corner to the pub with one of them.

I did the same to my dh a coupla years ago - certainly didn't mean I didn't love him or wasn't thinking about him, just an invite had come my way and we had moved the anniversary celebrations to the wkend- please tell him how you feel - and congratulations!

QuacksForDoughnuts Mon 25-Mar-13 12:45:01

How often does he get to see the friends? If they're visiting from Australia and it would be the only chance to see them for the next two years, YABU. If he sees them every week and has a habit of giving them priority over you, HIBVU. Anywhere in between, YAB a bit U not to communicate properly that you'd like him to be in, and HI a bit U to assume you don't.

whistleahappytune Mon 25-Mar-13 12:45:00

Living has the right idea. OP you have a loving husband and plan to celebrate on Easter weekend and go away in May. Celebrate your good fortune on your own or with friends. Don't guilt him out.

For about ten years running my husband missed a lot of crucial dates (anniversaries, birthdays etc.) as he was often in a war zone. I was so grateful when he safely returned, it obliterated the meaning of these so-called "special" days, in a healthy way. Any day you can be together, with love and happiness is special.

Happy Anniversary!

Thumbwitch Mon 25-Mar-13 12:39:31

Or ask to go with them...

Thumbwitch Mon 25-Mar-13 12:39:01

Just tell him that you'd rather he didn't go out tonight - any other night would be fine but y'know, it is your actual anniversary and you'd been hoping that you would be together on it.

Branleuse Mon 25-Mar-13 12:34:15

just tell him its your anniversary and youd like to go out togehter instead.

dont be a martyr, dont upset yourself, or be PA about it, just tell him.

livinginwonderland Mon 25-Mar-13 12:33:26

hmm, i understand you being upset, but you have both agreed to move the "celebration" to easter weekend and to go away in may instead.

let him go, and see if you can get some friends together for takeaway and a couple of bottles of wine. have fun with your friends while he has fun with his, then enjoy your time with your DH next weekend as planned smile

x-post

In that case I can see why you didn't mention anything. But really, try not to be hurt that he didn't have the same mental plans. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you the same.

I guess in a way, it's like you've "downsized" your anniversary celebration -- but haven't been totally explicit with each other about how much. So he's mentally downsized it a bit more than you, that's all.

I think maybe you are being a little oversensitive, in that his plans don't reflect how he really feels about you, but that doesn't mean you can't tell him that you'd really like to spend the evening with him. Just put it in a very positive way -- not a hint of guilt tripping or anything like that, just say that you had been planning on making a really nice dinner, you just hadn't mentioned as you didn't think there were any other plans.

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