Oh God, this is possibly going to get me the biggest flaming ever but I really don't know if I am BU or not...

(143 Posts)
MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 10:50:06

Last year, I started paying in to a life insurance policy that will pay out a lump sum to DH/DS in the event of my death. My mum was asking what had prompted me to take out such a thing (she thinks that planning for when you are not here is morbid, especially at my age) and I said the normal things... to leave DH/DS with some money to to with whatever they choose, to pay for my funeral...

My mum goes "I've got nothing to leave for my funeral" I said "Well maybe you should think about setting one up too? It only needs to be about a tenner a month, maybe even less" She went "Mmmmm... nah."

Obviously, I really, really don't want to think about my mum dying but it IS going to happen at some point sad If the absolute worst were to happen in the near future, I would have no money to pay for her funeral costs. I really thought that most normal people paid for their funeral costs via life insurance/savings etc? I know all of my grandparents did, MIL has cover set up. I don't know what my mum is expecting of me, though. I made a vague noise of concern about it and she went "Ha ha just roll me in a rug and chuck me in a river! That'll be fine with me" I really think that she thinks that there will be some kind of budget option of funeral that will cost me £50. I really don't want to press her on this as it's grim.

AIBU?

cocolepew Mon 25-Mar-13 19:43:22

YANBU. My mum and dad have pre paid their funerals. The ILs are divorced, DH asked his dad if he had anything set in place,and where would we find his important paper etc when he died. His dad replied "it won't be my problem, why should I care?"

His mum is very religious and gives most of her money to the church, she also has nothing set in place. Neither have savings or own their own property. How the hell me and DH are supposed to pay for their funerals is anyones guess.

Roseformeplease Mon 25-Mar-13 19:48:14

My FiL's funeral cost £2500 for the most basic of cremations. YANBU

somethingwillturnup Mon 25-Mar-13 21:22:57

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this re. donating your body.

I am doing this. I have to sign forms saying I want to do this now - it can't be done by my next of kin after I die. IF my body is used, the remains are not returned to my family, but the University has a service each year for the people who donated. However, it could be that my body will not be able to be used, so my family will still have to have a funeral. They won't know whether or not this is the case until I die and the medical school has inspected the body, so there will have to be funds available - be that an insurance policy (which I do have) or from the estate (which I don't at the moment).

It's not grim to think about these things, it's practical. Hope you manage to sort it out.

I must admit I do think there ought to be a state-funded No Funeral option as standard ie bulk cremation, because, as someone said upthread, the disposal of dead bodies is a public health issue. You can't stick Granny in the back garden or put her out with the bins. The whole business of flowers and cars and officiants (and I say this as someone who has officiated at a funeral) is not compulsory. And there are an awful lot of people - more all the time - who really don't have a spare few grand and never will have, either to pay for the disposal of a relative's body or to put aside for their own.

EmmelineGoulden Tue 26-Mar-13 08:22:07

Actually, you can stick Granny in the back garden. In England it isn't illegal to bury people on private land - with the permission of the land owner and subject to a few restrictions regarding water sources. But most people won't want to.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Tue 26-Mar-13 08:28:55

I'm 25 and have been paying into one since i became pregnant at 22. I wouldn't want to add any extra stress to my family.

Hullygully Tue 26-Mar-13 08:39:26

Take an evening class in embalming and embalm her and keep her in a cupboard. Bring her out for special occasions.

CocktailQueen Tue 26-Mar-13 10:00:38

Hully! grin

SolidGold - 'I must admit I do think there ought to be a state-funded No Funeral option as standard ie bulk cremation' - I don't think the state is in any position to start funding new ideas! there is no money left... Plus, surely the vast majority of people have some sort of family who would want a proper funeral send off?

Emmeline: Really? I thought it was definitely illegal to plant a corpse anywhere other than in an official cemetary.

Mind you, what about home cremation, anyone know? I have a vague feeling that a normal garden-size bonfire wouldn't do the trick and also that there may be health hazards...

MummytoMog Tue 26-Mar-13 17:06:23

She is BU. Mind you, my dad took out an insurance policy to pay for his funeral, and it only provided about a grand. Then some other people helped pay for it, and the bank provided a bit (there was a life insurance policy attached to his bank account) and it did all get covered. Somehow, that didn't translate into my mum paying me back the £800 I had to give the undertakers up front though. Oh no. I am an endless source of cash apparently.

GetOeuf Tue 26-Mar-13 17:12:05

SGB you can bury people in your back garden, but you need permission from the council to do so, and a lot of land presumably with no contamination of water sources etc.

I only know this because I have just read Alan Clark's diaries and he was buried in his back garden and it said about the council permission. Mind you he lived in a castle.

marmalade you are not unreasonable to worry but I have read enough posts about your mum to think that there is no way she would respond well to you suggesting that she puts something aside for her burial. Wouldn't she do a whole 'shaking and crying' performance like a twatty mumsnetter on a thread about birthday cakes or summat.

My FIL died just before Christmas and the cost (he was embalmed as well as his coffin was at home before the funeral) was just shy of 5 grand. And it wasn't at all a grandiose funeral. I was surprised at the expense.

Mind you, burying Granny in your back garden will generally knock more off the resale value of your home than it would cost to perform a more conventional funeral, so the cost savings are probably illusory (unless you expect the house to be in your family for the foreseeable future).

maisiejoe123 Tue 26-Mar-13 17:18:55

I agree with others - regardless of what you say I think she is not going to see it as her issue at all. Something for others to sort out.

Personally I wouldnt speak to her. She wont take out a policy so unless you want lots of upset....

However if she God forbids goes, will there really be NOTHING in her estate. Nothing at all in any bank accounts, savings, property, contents of the house etc?

FakeHotCrossLobsters Tue 26-Mar-13 18:12:54

I'm sure I remember hearing a story about a man who wanted to bury his wife in the back garden but his neighbours objected so permission was denied.

His wife was dead by the way.

And so he had her embalmed or stuffed or something and sat her in the window that looked out over the neighbours garden.

I would swear on my life that's a true story I heard, but if it's not it should be.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Tue 26-Mar-13 18:38:31

Have read the first 4 pages.

Both my parents died before their 56th birthday - one after long illness and one very suddenly and unexpectedly.

I think you need to talk to your mum about this. Tell her that it's really worrying you and that you know it's upsetting to think about. Tell her that you want to respect her wishes and that she needs to tell you what those wishes are.

When she talks about being rolled in a carpet etc just come back with the fact that you can't do that and you need to plan an alternative. If she suggests medical donation, tell her that there may have to be alternative arrangements regarding disposal afterwards or her body being rejected (put it nicely). So what alternative does she want?

If she says a pauper's funeral, explain what that would really mean and what costs would be involved etc etc

Use the 'relentlessly reasonable' approach along with telling her that you will be grieving and it would be comforting to know that you had made these decisions together.

Now you know what funerals cost, you can brinng this into the discussion and tell her that you could both start paying into a savings account together.

If/when the account exceeds the amount needed - you could use the extra to have some mother-daughter treats.

If she sees how it's worrying you, surely you can work it out together (or I have a very warped idea of what the relationship between parent-child is when the child is an adult - see my second sentence for details smile)

I am 48 and have no money, no savings, fuck all to leave. I will not be putting cash into a funeral plan as I can't afford to, so I think I will write a will telling whoever else is left to disown me and refuse to pay - I don't see why they should lose several thousand pounds.

myBOYSareBONKERS Tue 26-Mar-13 21:16:07

My Dad recently died and he had a burial.

It cost nearly £6000. Just to dig the hole was £1000 !! The reception after was £1000.

There were things we could of cut down on (no car/flowers/reception/obituary/embalming etc) but we were NOT extravagant in any way

MarmaladeTwatkins Tue 26-Mar-13 21:17:51

"Wouldn't she do a whole 'shaking and crying' performance like a twatty mumsnetter on a thread about birthday cakes or summat."

grin

Yes. Yes she would grin

Also LOL at Hully's suggestion of a Twatter's mum Thriller reconstruction.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now