Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

Oh God, this is possibly going to get me the biggest flaming ever but I really don't know if I am BU or not...

(143 Posts)
MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 10:50:06

Last year, I started paying in to a life insurance policy that will pay out a lump sum to DH/DS in the event of my death. My mum was asking what had prompted me to take out such a thing (she thinks that planning for when you are not here is morbid, especially at my age) and I said the normal things... to leave DH/DS with some money to to with whatever they choose, to pay for my funeral...

My mum goes "I've got nothing to leave for my funeral" I said "Well maybe you should think about setting one up too? It only needs to be about a tenner a month, maybe even less" She went "Mmmmm... nah."

Obviously, I really, really don't want to think about my mum dying but it IS going to happen at some point sad If the absolute worst were to happen in the near future, I would have no money to pay for her funeral costs. I really thought that most normal people paid for their funeral costs via life insurance/savings etc? I know all of my grandparents did, MIL has cover set up. I don't know what my mum is expecting of me, though. I made a vague noise of concern about it and she went "Ha ha just roll me in a rug and chuck me in a river! That'll be fine with me" I really think that she thinks that there will be some kind of budget option of funeral that will cost me £50. I really don't want to press her on this as it's grim.

AIBU?

my nana paid a few pence every week (old money) towards her funeral, she had absolutely nothing else but this insurance. It didnt cover much at all when she died, it was awful, she spent a great proportion of her income paying it to not put on her

Goldmandra Mon 25-Mar-13 11:48:34

It looks like it will be down to me to start saving (how grim!)

Could you ask her if that's what she would like you to do? This would wake her up to the fact that there seriously isn't currently any money to pay for her funeral and make her tell you explicitly if she definitely expects you to cover any costs.

If she really doesn't want you to pay for a funeral ask her if she would like you to find out how to donate a body to medical science. That sounds really harsh but if she seriously doesn't care perhaps she wouldn't mind and there are then genuinely no funeral costs.

ffs. not put upon her children. it was awfully sad.

OP YANBU.

EmmelineGoulden Mon 25-Mar-13 11:51:34

If the OP's DM has no money the State will pay.

If a person has a desire for a certain type of burial, or any requirements for ritual, care of the body, wake, etc. then I think it behoves them to ensure there is money to pay for that. But I really don't think people should be required to pay for the hygenic disposal of their bodies after death - it isn't for their benefit.

ginmakesitallok Mon 25-Mar-13 11:52:03

If your DM wants a funeral then she needs to sort out how pay for it. If she doesn't then you are not obliged to pay for a funeral, as said above the local authority would arrange a very basic funeral for her.

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 11:55:55

I realise what people are saying about the state paying for a very basic funeral for her but as a surviving child, I am not really likely to let that happen. sad

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 12:00:45

Does your mum own her own house ?

FloatyBeatie Mon 25-Mar-13 12:03:06

How old is your mum, op? I'm not sure that I would like to give a couple of thousand pounds to a company too far in advance, when the company might go bust, and when I could be earning interest from it in a saving account. Wouldn't it be better if she stuck a tenner every week or so into a savings account?

At what age does it become prudent or normal to contact a pre-pay funeral provider?

MrsHoarder Mon 25-Mar-13 12:03:55

I have life insurance but not for my funeral: its so that should DH or worse just DS be left behind they will have sufficient funds to not need worry about affording life.

As for funeral costs, a funeral plan won't save any money really because they know she will want one at some stage. Should she die before you then you will have access to her money to pay for her funeral so it shouldn't be a worry. If she genuinely has no money to save then putting pressure on her to put it in a funeral plan isn't going to change that.

EggsitPursuedByAChocolateBunny Mon 25-Mar-13 12:05:58

Bloody hell - I never realised funerals were so expensive!

sashh Mon 25-Mar-13 12:06:29

Tell her you can't afford her funeral and you will have to donate her to medical science.

YANBU

My grandmother died a couple of years ago. Twenty years before she had bought her own funeral.

Not only did it mean that the money side was taken care of but that there were no decisions to be made re burial / cremation, cars, etc.

It was so stress free my mother then bought one for her and one for my dad.

I'm only in my 40's and I worry about this because I am leaving my body to be cut up by medical students, but if that can't happen (if you die over a weekend you have to be stored properly) then there will have to be a funeral of some sort.

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 12:06:48

Eggy, no she rents.

Beatie, she is 56 in May.

I think it's "normal" at any age to consider your funeral. I lost my aunt last year who was only 46. It isn't something you should put off until you get to 70, IMO.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 25-Mar-13 12:07:49

And how does one to about refusing without being cause issues?

EggsitPursuedByAChocolateBunny Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:04

56 shock

She is very young.......

FloatyBeatie Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:05

Blimey. Only 56! I can see the value of life insurance at any time, if you have dependents, or a mortgae, etc. But a funeral pre-payment plan in middle age seems completely bizarre. That's possibly forty years or so during which some company that might go bust has use of your money for a product you haven't used yet. It is completely different from insurance. It is payment in advance, possibly by decades. I wouldn't dream of doing that.

TheRealFellatio Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:33

YANBU. I don't think people should be compelled to save for a lavish funeral, if that is genuinely not what they would choose for themselves, but I do think they should make some provision (assuming they are not living hand to mouth as it is) and should have something in writing letting their next of kin know what their wishes are re: expenditure. It's unfair to leave your children out of pocket and struggling to pay when they will feel pressured into giving you a decent send-off.

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 12:13:37

I haven't suggested that she buys into one of these pre-payment plans. I didn't even know about them until this thread, tbh.

And you say "only" 56. There isn't a designated age that we all die at...

EmmelineGoulden Mon 25-Mar-13 12:16:11

Marmalade - what you're are saying is that you think your DM should direct her own resources now into something that she has no interest in and which does not benefit her so that, when she dies, you can give her the funeral that you want. I can see why it would be nice for you to feel you'd be able to celebrate her life in the way you think is fitting - but I don't think you really have the right to dictate how she spends her money.

FloatyBeatie Mon 25-Mar-13 12:18:03

So you are saying she should start a life insurance policy? Just for funeral costs? Do people actually do that? Can it make financial sense?

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 12:18:50

No, Emmeline. So that I can give her a funeral.

She has to have one. We all do. There is no way around it.

And FWIW, I don't think that she has the righ to dictate how I spend mine, which is what she will be doing, indirectly.

EmmelineGoulden Mon 25-Mar-13 12:19:45

You don't have to pay for that funeral. She is not dictating that you should spend your money that way.

MrsHoarder Mon 25-Mar-13 12:21:32

The thing about "only 56" is that tying up a few thousand pounds when she's already living from paycheque to paycheque probably isn't sound financial planning. She presumably no longer has dependants whose security she has to consider (including keeping their home) and life insurance gets very expensive by that age. if she was to buy a 20 year plan there'd be something like a 50% probability that she would die during the plan, its not like being in your twenties and being able to insure for a 6 figure sum against the chance that you die for £15/month because 95% of people paying into those insurances will survive the policy.

Could you talk to her about trying to save up whilst she is still working age so she has a fallback account in her retirement? Rather than sell it as her funeral policy, suggest that it would be wise to have a few thousand stashed in case of some kind of disaster.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Mon 25-Mar-13 12:21:52

It's worth considering if you want save money in an insurance type plan or go direct to the funeral directors as they all have a prepayment type plan. With the plans I think you basically can secure prices when you pay rather than when it happens iyswim

MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 12:22:59

I'm pretty sure that that's what my grandparents did, Beatie. I think it paid out about £10,000 each one. There was some left over to be divided between the family but I wouldn't even want her to leave any for us.

CocktailQueen Mon 25-Mar-13 12:23:56

DH and I are organising his brother's funeral at the moment and it is costing £3,300. It is pretty basic too. It covers the cheapest coffin (£375), funeral disbursements, minister, cremation charge, organist, hearse to crematorium. It does not include any limos.

I think your mum is being really selfish in not making sure she has enough money to pay for her own funeral. AT a stressful time like that, the last thing you want to be doing is worrying about who's going to pay for it all. You can't just chuck her in a river hmm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now