I'm raging at the selfishness of it..

(501 Posts)

We have 3 dc.. 5,3 and 5 months. Sleep is really really scare at the moment. Dc3 still feeds at least twice through the night and dc1 and 2 have both had endless colds/illnesses.. I am sahm, dh owes and runs own business.

I'm so angry right now. We went to bed early as wrecked from night before, dc1 woke with tonsillitis when we were going to bed, crying when swallowing etc. finally settled them at about 10.30 and went to sleep. Dc3 was up at 11.30, 2, 4.30 and 5. Dc2 woke once as fell out of bed. Dc1 woke once and got up when I was feeding dc3 at 5.

She was burning with fever, crying, miserable poor thing. Gave her calpol and water and put her into our bed. At 6 I woke dh to ask him to get up with her as I had hardly slept.. He outright refused shock. Said he felt rough and couldn't afford to be sick (referring to work) and didn't care if it made him a prick he was going back to sleep. hmmhmm

I'm downstairs with her now. I'm stunned. I feel like I never ever get put anywhere near his list, never mind the top of it. This is the latest in a long line of my needs not counting. Am raging! AIBU? What do I do now

allnewtaketwo Mon 25-Mar-13 06:22:46

Was he helpful with the eldest child/children?

Poor you, you must be exhausted. Have you go anybody who could call round and give you a test today at any point?

AllOverIt Mon 25-Mar-13 06:25:17

I would go up and wake him up and tell him to suck it up. Selfish bastard

He is helpful, but only when he wants to be angry

I'm so tired of not counting because he earns the money angry and I actually don't even think that's the real reason, I think he just cares about himself more than me hmm

Creameggkr Mon 25-Mar-13 06:26:02

Sorry I know what it's like I was married to Ann who never helped at night, I think their need for sleep overrides any sense if right and wrong.
I think it shows a persons traits if they are prepared to allow their tired partner to do all if it.
New and improved dh is very fair and helps equally at night/early mornings because he doesn't want me to do it all.
Not helpful I know but he's being very selfish and one dies not become ill from doing ones fair share fgs!!!
Can you get the house nice and noisy today.

TalkativeJim Mon 25-Mar-13 06:26:13

Ignore him completely.

But when he comes home tonight make sure there's no dinner for him, for a start, and when he questions it say 'Oh! Sorry- I didn't think we were a team anymore, thought it was a case of dog eat dog from now on. Plus, as you said, you're a prick. Um why exactly should I be helping you out?'

Creameggkr Mon 25-Mar-13 06:26:59

Was actually married to a man rather than Ann grin

civilfawlty Mon 25-Mar-13 06:27:07

Take all awake children and feed in / as near him as possible. Tuen on radio/ lights/ tv. Do it subtly, but DO NOT tiptoe around him.

Don't do ANYTHING which causes you extra work on his behalf. No washing, cleaning, cooking. Not even a cup of tea. Save all your energy for you and your children.

Then, later, make it clear he earns his place in your family or fucks off.

I haven't the energy to fight.

HollyBerryBush Mon 25-Mar-13 06:42:51

Is he under financial pressure?

he can't phone in sick if he's his own boss, everything is down to him to keep a roof over your head and food on the table

I know he can't phone is sleep and is under pressure but I was asking him to sacrifice one hour of sleep FFS when I'd had hardly any again

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 25-Mar-13 06:46:07

Then nothing will change. sad

One approach may be to say to him right, I am really annoyed that you do an 8 hour day while my day is 24 hours on call, just because you bring the money in.

As of today, I will be looking for full time work.

When I find it, everything domestic - all cooking, all cleaning, all child related work - will be split between us 50/50 as we shall both be working full time and both bringing money in. If you try to wriggle out of your full 50% then I will seriously consider how I would be any worse off being a single parent.

Whether you actually mean this or not is not the point. The point is to show him exactly how much you do and how valuable your contribution is!

Another approach may be to list exactly what you do and how long your working day is and to ask him why he thinks his contribution of an 8 hour working day is so much more. and how much he thinks employing someone to do all that you do would cost.

EmmelineGoulden Mon 25-Mar-13 06:48:54

Tell him to shape up or ship out. Alternatively, if you want to stay with him, you need to get a job and build a career. I don't mean this to sound like I'm blameing you, I don't mean SAHMs deserve to be treated badly. I just mean that with a selfish partner, the way to be treated well and give yourself power is to not be dependent on him.

He works much more than 8 hour days, comes home for tea at 5.30 but once kids in bed will work most evenings too. He worked all day Saturday and Sunday.. Has started a new company. Thing is I appreciate all he does and I don't feel that it goes the other way at all

ArseAche Mon 25-Mar-13 06:50:43

I deliberately didn't wake dh when in siituations like yours as the thought of him trying to do business whilst feeling as shit as me was worse than me struggling on alone.

I know you feel rough, but at least you wont have to run a business today. On days like that I would just all snuggle up downstairs and get dvds etc on and snooze on and off. Hope they are feeling better soon.
Oh btw dh would be the one up at the weekend with the dc.

ChristmasJubilee Mon 25-Mar-13 06:51:08

Set up camp in the living room today. DVD's, blankets, drinks and snacks. Grab some sleep on the sofa whilst dc3 naps (not whilst 1&2 are snacking obviously). Keep dc1 dosed with calpol/ibuprofen.

Invest in a bed guard - that's one night waking you can avoid.

Dh can make dinner when he gets home.

Hope you have a better day!

MummyNoName Mon 25-Mar-13 06:51:22

Get the dc medicines if they need them. Feed them and give them a drink. Settle them in front of they've or whatever they like doing. then take up a brew for him with some paracetamol and tell him that in half an hour you'd like to go back to bed as you're exhausted.

Then he gets a bit if rest as he's ill. And you can get some sleep when he's up.

Discuss everything properly when you've both had some sleep. I've 3 young dc like you and I think you're dh is being selfish. But there's no point arguing about it. Discuss it properly later and come to some sort of agreement of who does what through the night.

I get up with the baby. Dh gets up with the other two if they wake (maybe 2-4 times a week) and he gets up at 5.30-6 with the dc as I'm up all night with baby (sleep regression :-( )

MummyNoName Mon 25-Mar-13 06:54:30

Also if he's self employed and you're a sahm with 3 dc he will want to work a lot of hours so the business is successful. All income is on his shoulders. And being self employed its all down to him.

I was in exactly the same situation a few years ago . I hated dh being self employed. All work and no play

Does that really mean he couldn't have gotten up at 6 instead of 7???? I don't think so.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 25-Mar-13 06:58:39

So tell him that.

Me and my husband both run our own businesses. He is the director of a limited company and I have a little self employed thing. He's currently introducing a new product to the east african market. He's really stressed.

Yesterday he was on his hands and knees mopping plaster dust up off the protective sheets currently covering our carpets.

Owning your own business and working long hours is not a get out of domestic work free card. It really isn't. You need to set out how you feel if you want anything to change.

If he's a good man, he will listen.

You're in it together. He just needs reminding that you're a team and both equally valuable.

christinarossetti Mon 25-Mar-13 06:58:58

No, OP won't have to run a business today, but she'll have 3 small children to look after, one who is is bfing and one who is ill. The person running a business will get a chance to sit down today, go to the toilet when they want, drink a whole cup of tea and generally get to finish a thought. I find the proactiveness of being at work MUCH easier than having to respond to competing requests and needs persistently aka staying at home.

I agree with posters who say that you just need to try to get through today, then discuss situation with your dh. Three such young children is HARD - sounds like you need to divide the labour better and review what external support you have eg childcare, cleaner.

ArseAche Mon 25-Mar-13 06:59:16

who was that post to OP?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 25-Mar-13 07:00:08

You should be a team. Your needs are important too. He may work long hours but currently you're working 24/7.

To you arse and other posters saying how stressful own business/sole earner is

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 25-Mar-13 07:02:42

Talk to him about it. If he refuses to help then stop doing things for him. No dinner, no cups of tea, no clean washing. It works both ways.

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