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To be upset about what this mum was like with my DD

(184 Posts)
housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 18:38:06

On Friday night DD (9) went out to tea with a friend and then to a sleepover at the friend's house. 2 other friends were invited so there were 4 children there in total including DD.

When I picked DD up yesterday morning she burst into tears as soon as we got into the car and said that the following had happened:

When they went out for tea DD there were the 4 kids and then 4 adults; the child's mum and dad and 2 friends of the mum. The mum made DD sit at a table with the 3 other adults and the mum sat at the table with the 3 other children. the mum's reasoning was that her DD wanted to sit with her mum. DD was upset as she didn't know the other adults at the table and obviously she felt left out.

They went back to the house for the sleepover. The birthday child and another girl that was there had it in for DD and spent the whole evening being horrible to her; making fun of the present she had given the girl (clothes) and saying it was horrible, making fun of DD's clothes and DD's pyjamas, and just saying mean things all evening. DD tried several times to tell the girls' mum what was going on and each time the girl's mum told her not to tell tales and to go and get on with everyone. She also said that the mum gave the birthday girl a pack of biscuits for them all to share but the birthday girl refused to let DD have any and the mum just said 'It's X's birthday, it's her choice' so DD didn't get any.

Another time the birthday girl went and told her mum DD had been horrible to her,and the mum went steaming into the bedroom and shouted at DD. DD said she hadn't and that it was the birthday girl and the mum said her daughter would never do that and that she is a lovely girl and DD needs to learn to get on with others.

DD then asked her to phone me as she wanted to go home, and DD said she was in tears at this point (DD says it was around 9pm) and the mum refused to phone me and just walked out of the room.

Then first thing in the morning DD says she woke up and all the other 3 were talking about her, saying they hate her now and that they won't speak to her at school. She again tried to tell the mum and the mum told her again to stop telling tales.

The mum didn't say a word to me about it at pick up and said they'd all had a lovely time and been good. DD normally gets on with everyone, has never had any problems at school with other children and is a lovely girl. Not perfect, as no child is, but certainly not deserving of this treatment. The mum has always seemed nice enough when we've met up with the girls and I've known her several years. Her DD is reasonably spoilt and is the centre of her mum's world. I really don't know where to go from here. Obviously any future playdate or party invitations will be declined, as will any invites from the mum for coffee. I feel if I say something it will cause trouble. I'm so upset though, that my DD was so upset staying at someone else's house and the mum wouldn't even phone me so I could collect her.

hwjm1945 Sun 24-Mar-13 18:40:44

If yr dd truly asked to telephone and this was denied you have every right to be angry,please tell others mother this

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 24-Mar-13 18:41:53

Hmm see I can see the mums point of view with the telling tales thing, it would annoy me and I would of told them all to play nicely and leave me in peace but she was out of order not letting your dd ring you when she wanted to go home.

Def not being unreasonable but I don't know what you can do about it other than as you say no further playdates etc. Feel really sad for your DD!

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 18:47:11

thanks balancing. Me too. She was so upset. she's not normally a sensitive child and doesn't normally tell tales or take much notice if someone is horrible to her, but I think the girls just went on and on at her and really gave her a hard time.

I think I'll just have to let things fizzle out and have said to DD to maybe re-think how highly she prioritises that friend at school, and I'll leave it at that then with the mum. If she behaved badly towards DD as DD has says, surely if the mum has any conscience she will know why.

Failedhippy Sun 24-Mar-13 18:48:11

I would be raging and would definitely phone the other Mum to ascertain exactly why she did not let your DD phone home. She will probably say that she didn't want to disturb your night that is where you step in say you would never ignore or brush off a clearly upset child. I am sure you are very upset for your DD. I would be too so YADNBU.

5Foot5 Sun 24-Mar-13 18:48:16

I think in your shoes I would be upset too. For me the worst bit is that your poor DD asked the Mum to ring you to take her home and she refused. That was bang out of order. Even if the other girls had been angels and there was no real cause for your DDs distress there is no way that she should have ignored her request to go home. I have had several sleepovers in past years and I would never have ignored an upset little girl like that.

I think perhaps your DD should be encouraged to rethink her friendship with this girl and find some new friends. It wouldn't however,surprise me to find that this particular girl will turn out to be the class Quenn Bee who has her own little entourage trying to keep in with her.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Sun 24-Mar-13 18:48:40

That's very, very sad!

I would be every angry! I would never ignore what a visiting child was telling me or accuse them of telling tales either!

When we've had sleepovers the priority has been that all the visiting children enjoy themselves and any issues would be dealt with immediately.

I don't know what you can do really apart from not let your dd go again and let her know that you are supportive of her. Not sure whether talking to the other mum will get you anywhere.....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe France Sun 24-Mar-13 18:49:57

Sounds horrid, OP, even if it's not 100% accurate. I think I would speak to the other mother and say that it's unacceptable for her not to ring you when she was asked to do so that, also that you would have thought that a parent would keep an eye to make sure that all is well and not just disregard upsets, however trivial they're deemed to be. An upset child is an upset child. There's nothing else to say really; it would be perceived as your daughter's word against her daughter's if you tried to take it up with the mum. Just express your disappointment, say that DD didn't have a nice time at all and that she won't be socialising with the girl again.

wrongsideoftheroad Sun 24-Mar-13 18:52:10

bloody hell yNBU, hw old is dd

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 18:52:16

5ftoo5, luckily this girl isn't DD's best friend or in DD's group of very best friends, so hopefully avoiding her at school will be fairly easy.

Doyouthink, I'm the same as you, my priority is always making sure the visiting children are happy. I would also try to take an objective view of any disagreements, and certainly wouldn't assume my child was innocent.

I think the table incident, the biscuits incident and the fact that she shouted at my DD, let alone not letting her phone home, are unforgiveable.

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 18:52:45

She's 9, wrongside

ChasedByBees Sun 24-Mar-13 18:53:00

I'd be seething that she didn't let her call home and would have words. Really shocked at the mum's behaviour.

sue52 Sun 24-Mar-13 18:53:27

It was very thoughtless of the Mother not to allow DD to sit with the children at the birthday tea. Your DD must have felt very uncomfortable being stuck with the adults. There is no way my DD's would have been allowed to hog a packet of biscuits, party or no party. I would give this child and her mother a very wide berth.

CSIJanner Sun 24-Mar-13 18:55:25

If the mother really did ignore your DD's request to call home, I'd be going supernova on her arse.

I would be mad too. I think you should phone her up though. Your DD needs to know you will defend her and the other Mum needs pulling up before she does it to another child.

ReluctantBeing Sun 24-Mar-13 18:55:47

That's awful. I feel very angry for your dd. the birthday girl sounds horrid, as does her mother.

TWinklyLittleStar Sun 24-Mar-13 18:58:07

With such a charming mother, its not hard to see where the daughter is learning her charming manners hmm You say that you feel raising the incident would cause trouble - well so fucking what. If half your daughter's account is accurate she was treated appallingly.

Also telling tales is NOT the same as being genuinely upset - however, given the mother's response to her own little darling 'telling tales', clearly it wasn't a case of wanting the children to sort things out amongst themselves.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 24-Mar-13 18:58:09

Regardless of who was being mean to who and how many times, it is unforgivable to refuse to her your dd call you to take her home. I would want to mention that part

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 18:58:19

My only worry with phoning her is it may start a bad atmosphere or a feud if the mum takes offence and to be honest I think it will make school runs easier for me and school itself easier for DD, if I just leave it.

The mum often complains that various others at school are regularly unpleasant to her DD, but now I'm wondering whether it really is all the other children and whether perhaps her DD is sometimes to blame if she behaves that way.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sun 24-Mar-13 18:59:44

I don't think you should just leave it.

I went through similar crap like this when I was younger and my parents didn't really do anything. It just kept on and life was very hard. I think comedycentral is right, she needs to see you defend her.

janey68 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:00:14

Your poor dd, it upsets me just reading about that.
I would definitely contact the mum and say you are aware your dd asked to come home and was in tears, and that you are very unhappy that this was ignored. I think it's important for your dd to know you have made a stand on this. Following that, I think the only thing you can do is explain to your dd that some children are just nasty, its not her fault, its
Usually borne out of their insecurity, and hopefully she will find
Some better friends in future

Madlizzy Sun 24-Mar-13 19:00:20

I'd be going nuclear.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sun 24-Mar-13 19:00:38

I would at least alert the school so that they can watch out for future bullying as it sounds like the girls are planning on continuing this behaviour

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds Sun 24-Mar-13 19:01:29

Oh and this book is fab

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