To ever so slightly envy SAHMs

(87 Posts)
MrRected Sun 24-Mar-13 12:27:00

My 3 school are all of school age (5,8,11). I have always had to work to keep us afloat. Up until now I have been lucky that I worked 4 days a week (one at home).

I was informed by my boss that as of after Easter I can no longer work part time. That its full time or nothing. I am a contractor so I don't have much choice in the matter.

I so wish we were a bit more financially better off. I would love nothing more than to be able to stay at home with my children and feel envious of those who can. <wistful>

MrRected Mon 25-Mar-13 11:27:29

Instilling!! Darn autocorrect!

i love being a sahm, but i wish i had loads and loads of money so i could go on loads of really nice holidays too

PoppyWearer Mon 25-Mar-13 11:32:13

Sorry to hear that OP. I went back to work after having my DC1 and did 3 days a week, which was perfect. I was gutted when I lost my job (I wasn't given the full-time option).

We can afford for me to stay at home (just) but to be honest I would rather be working now my DC1 is at school. But with school hours and DC2, and with DH working long hours, the only way I could work would be with a nanny....and I can't earn enough to afford one.

I really envy anyone who is doing what they want to do, be it SAHM or working the hours they want in a profession they vaguely enjoy.

BlackholesAndRevelations Mon 25-Mar-13 11:32:35

I guess the thing I'd be most concerned about would be lack of self worth that I might feel if I did stop working. However I have thought/am thinking long and hard about it. With a dp who isn't there all the time, my children/family in general need me to be around more. YANBU op by the way!

fedupofnamechanging Mon 25-Mar-13 11:36:13

Job share is lovely - if you can get it. I have had a job share in the past and it was wonderful. However, a lot of secondary schools are wary because it is not always ideal for GCSE/A level classes. I don't think there are many job shares available - teachers who have them tend to cling on to them for dear life!

I have seen it work very well at primary level though.

One thing to consider is that you will be starting work at exactly the same time as your child starts school, so you will need a breakfast club or a CM. I know that's true of lots of jobs, but there is never any flexibility to come in a bit later.

You might also end up paying for child care that you don't need, during holidays. That can work out expensive if teaching pays you less than your current role.

I know I am sounding very negative and I don't mean to - the holidays were lovely, but the complete lack of flexibility is definitely something to think seriously about, because you won't have any control over your hours at all and that can be a big deal for some people.

Best of luck if you do decide to go ahead. At its best, it is a very rewarding job and you'll get to buy cakes with icing on from the school canteen.

OBface Mon 25-Mar-13 11:36:38

Missed 'friendly' from the above

LessMissAbs Mon 25-Mar-13 11:37:30

No, never. I'd overeat, under-exercise and atrophy mentally if I didn't have the discipline of work to keep me going. And I want to do more than be a mother in my life and devote my life to my children for the majority of my life.

I also don't like the idea of being totally financially dependent on a man. I guess if you had the sort of career you could guarantee returning to, no matter how long you take out, it would be less risky, but I can't think of a career like that. Or if you had an inheritance or trust fund or something.

OBface Mon 25-Mar-13 11:46:26

Thanks Karma. To be honest the job shares I know of are at primary level and can see how it wouldn't be so easy key stage 3 and beyond.

To be honest I do like what I do (realise I am very lucky) but it's always tricky when DD's kindergarten breaks up for the holiday and I have to find care for her! I also have lovely memories from growing up where I would have weeks at home with my mum and feel a bit sad that DD will miss out on this.

Bunfags Mon 25-Mar-13 12:12:49

I also can't see why this thread shouldn't end well. OP is just saying that she likes the idea of being a SAHM, nothing wrong with that. So what if she feels a bit envy? She's only human.

If you choose to be a SAHM and enjoy it, all power to you. It's a lucky position to be in these days.

MoYerBoat Mon 25-Mar-13 12:25:07

Bungas - nothing wrong with what the OP has written and the thread is going along nicely ... just you wait til scottishmummy finishes work for the day ..,

Bunfags Mon 25-Mar-13 12:36:15

MoYerBoat, it is going along nicely. smile I'm now acquainted with scottishmummy, so I'll keep a beady eye out.

Bunfags Mon 25-Mar-13 12:36:40

I meant not acquainted

TomDudgeon Mon 25-Mar-13 13:40:44

I think the person who said that the happy ones are the ones doing why they choose without any pressure

I'm a sahm. I do enjoy it most of the time but would love to work outside the home. We re trying to find ways to allow this to happen but so far are discovering that logistics are just awful and we can't afford for me to work.
There are so many assumptions in how it is for others, the grass is greener thing. In my case I find that people assume we are well off because I stay at home not realising that it's the cheaper alternative for us.

I hope you find a happy situation for you op

ChestyLeRoux Mon 25-Mar-13 13:59:52

I like the idea of being a sahm when I cant be bothered to do anything and just think if I was at home then I would have lots of time to relax. However on the other side if I wasnt at work I miss the social side and you get a bit out the loop with things.

Snoopingforsoup Mon 25-Mar-13 14:21:04

It's all been said but how I feel today, SAHM sucks!
I have EVERYTHING to do and not enough hours. I'm typing one handed while eating lunch and now have beans down my jumper! 'Living the dream'
Can't wait to get back to work where I can then spend my days feeling guilty for my absence...there is no ideal anymore.

janey68 Mon 25-Mar-13 14:27:23

I don't think there was ever an 'ideal' though. It's easy to imagine those 1950s were halcyon days when houses could be bought on one income and labour saving devices meant SAHM didn't have to spend all their days scrubbing the laundry by hand and sweeping floors... But I'm
sure the reality didn't feel ideal. Many women wanted to be able
To work and literally did not have that opportunity- many professions were barred to mothers until relatively recent times, and besides, day nurseries didn't exist. If she was lucky, a mum might find a neighbour to watch the kids (no child minding red tape either!) while she did a couple
Of shifts in the local shop, but there was often no real choice for mothers to use all their skills. It's worth remembering when we all get those moments of thinking life used to be simple!

morethanpotatoprints Mon 25-Mar-13 15:20:37

Hello OP.

I think if you really wanted to do it you would, irrespective of income, you would find a way. I say this as somebody who had an overwhelming need to be a sahm and I would move heaven and earth to be able to do this.

I have no judgment here as its each to their own, but do agree with others who have said its easy to think the grass is greener on the other side.

We made a lot of sacrifices in terms of holidays, second car, material possessions. We have made sure that all dcs have had all needs met and have had some luxuries and wants, but they are not expected.

I think at the end of the day, it is a personal choice that only you can make.

BlackholesAndRevelations Mon 25-Mar-13 16:36:15

Morethan- what a lovely post. Makes me feel better, anyway. Better than all the sah rots your brain type posts. Hope it's given the op something to think about.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 25-Mar-13 16:48:40

Blackholes

thank you, but I know its not for everybody and some people may be the complete opposite but I believe in giving both extremes of a situation.
The thought of working when they were little, did leave me sick to the stomach. It was a horrible feeling and I just couldn't do it. I don't think it would have been so bad when they were at school, but by then I had other things to do, and now our youngest is 9 and we Home educate, so that keeps us pretty busy. smile

Bramshott Mon 25-Mar-13 16:50:09

I often feel a bit like that [wistful].

And then I remember when I was at home, and couldn't find a job, and how much I hated it grin!

Schooldidi Mon 25-Mar-13 17:20:34

Morethan I'm really glad you have got your life sorted to suit you, but I did find "I think if you really wanted to do it you would, irrespective of income, you would find a way. I say this as somebody who had an overwhelming need to be a sahm and I would move heaven and earth to be able to do this." a bit patronising. It reads as if those of us who are not able to rearrange our lives to allow us to be sahms just don't want it enough when that quite often isn't the case, it's more a case of choosing your priorities for your children.

We could have rearranged our lives to make it possible for dp to be a sahm, but without major sacrifices from the children (bad schools, bad area to live in, no holidays ever, no car, no extra curricular activities, etc) we couldn't rearrange our lives to let me be a sahm. The sums just don't add up. We don't have an extravagent lifestyle now, so there just aren't enough sacrifices we could make to make it possible.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 25-Mar-13 17:33:10

Schooldidi.

Well that certainly wasn't my intention at all. I also wasn't suggesting that everyone would want to do this. It also did take many sacrifices for us and maybe for others with more finances it wouldn't take such sacrifices.
However, for me I would move heaven and earth because it was that important to me. I wasn't making a judgement on those that it wasn't like this for. You mention priorities for your children, well for me that was a priority for my children, for others it might not be.
If you want to be offended when I was only talking from personal experience then that's up to you.

BlackholesAndRevelations Mon 25-Mar-13 17:47:23

I didn't take it that way, morethan.

Schooldidi Mon 25-Mar-13 17:57:31

I didn't think it was your intention to upset anyone, I just wanted to point out that that's how it could be percieved.

I don't know what sacrifices you needed to make, but for us it wouldn't have been dp and I making the sacrifices to enable me to sah, it would have been mostly the dcs. That didn't seem fair to us.

janey68 Mon 25-Mar-13 17:58:22

Fair enough to talk about your own personal experience, but when it comes to saying 'if you really want to be a SAHM you'd find a way' then you're moving outside your own experience and saying that other people could do as you've done. I think that's the thing that rankles sometimes.

FWIW we were in the position of both having to work with dc1. This was before tax credits and other top ups, and basically, if one persons income
Didn't cover the outgoings then there was no choice. Tbh I don't know what I would have chosen if it hadnt been a financial necessity... I really enjoy my work and I wasn't keen to give up my post, but on the other hand being a WOHM is hard going, particularly while still bf, and I sometimes wonder whether it would have seemed easier (in the short term) to be at home if I'd had the option.
Life has a way of turning things around though doesn't it? By the time dc2 came along , our finances were much more healthy, mortgage rate lower and even though I could easily have become a SAHM from
The financial viewpoint, I chose to stay in the workplace (even though nursery took all my income now!)

OP- the other thing that might be worth thinking about is that probably a very small number have really extreme opinions either way, being desperate to be a SAHM or desperate to get back to work as soon as possible. I think that's worth emphasising because it sometimes feels like you're expected to fall into one camp or the other which puts pressure on women. For example, I am pretty sure I would be quite happy at home and find plenty to do to occupy myself, it's just I prefer not to be home
All the time. I wouldn't pigeonhole yourself... Give yourself time to think through all the options; maybe there is other work out there for 3 or 4 days a week which would give you a great balance.

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