To agree to work tmrw

(33 Posts)
pamelat Sat 23-Mar-13 21:34:15

i work part time and have our 2 and 5 year old the other days.

DH contributes the most financially but I pay my portion to mortgage etc

I am significantly over drawn £900.

DH is generous but I like to stand on my own feet and pay my share.

Work asked me to work tmrw for double pay, about £250.

I asked him and he said if I wanted to, so ivagreed

He is now cross with me about it!!!!

The kids are in a gym class in the am so he'll have over an hour to himself, and ds still naps, so just a few solo hours in the afternoon

He thinks I'm being selfish going to work on a Sunday as "we" don't need the money

It's annoyed me but part of me feels guilty leaving our kids "unnecessarily" (in the scheme of things) on a Sunday?

I'm off from Tuesday for 12 days though for Easter holidays and could (selfishly) do with the cash?!!

redskyatnight Sun 24-Mar-13 20:38:56

I don't like my DH working on Sundays if he doesn't have to.
It's nothing to do with not wanting the DC on my own, it's to do with making the most of family time.

In DH's eyes you are saying I'd rather go to work than spend time with my family.
I'd be pissed off too.

Parker231 Sun 24-Mar-13 20:27:41

Why is the overdraft your issue - surely it's a joint problem, not just yours ?

IMO it's twattish because he tried to make out it was her choice, then got cross with her choice. If he had a preference he should have said so up-front.

I hate when people expect me to be telepathic and divine what they actually want from reading their auras or somesuch; just tell me in plain English, you twat! wink

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 24-Mar-13 19:50:04

Ok, he's saying something along the lines of 'Don't go to work, I'll give you what you would have earned'.
He's acknowledging the fact that his wife needs to earn money and as he'd prefer to spend the weekend with his family, he's happy to give her this money himself.
How is that twattish?

MrsLouisTheroux, I read it as he would give her what she would earn (£250), not clear her OD (£900). And kind would have been offering the money first, not saying 'yes if you want to' then stropping because she chose to work. Of course, had the OP decided against working, that would have given him a family Sunday but not cost him anything. Not really kindness in my book.

PurpleStorm Sun 24-Mar-13 18:37:28

So why not offer to give the OP the money when she first suggested working on Sunday, instead of waiting until after she's agreed to work Sunday?

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 24-Mar-13 17:58:05

Sorry, I'm with him.
His solution is to give you the money to clear your OD so that you can spend Sunday together as a family? That's kind not twattish.
If he was moaning because he couldn't go and play football with his mates because you had to go to work I'd think he was a twat.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 24-Mar-13 15:41:51

Very upset for you OP. I can't understand this separate money thing either tbh. If you were working full time would you expect him to pay half the childcare costs? Is he mean with money in general or something? (My DSis works for this reason, otherwise she would have to justify all her expenditure.) I find this kind of attitude really upsetting where a DP doesn't automatically share what they have.

scarlettsmummy2 Sun 24-Mar-13 10:22:08

He is being a twat. They are his children too. My husband also often acts in a similar manner however I just ignore him!

Yes, car is not a personal expense it is a household expense. After all, I expect it is used to
get to work
ferry children
go to supermarket and back
use on family trips

Definitely a household expense.

Personal expenses are things like haircuts, new clothes, magazines, cosmetics (but not toiletries - that's household), CDs - PURELY for your own use. Things that can wait if you don't have the money that month.

noblegiraffe Sun 24-Mar-13 08:45:37

I hope when you 'pay your share' it's only a quarter of what he pays. You earn less than him because the rest of the time you are providing free childcare for his and your children which would be quite an expense otherwise. I assume he benefits from you running a car too (doing shopping, family errands etc) so him contributing to your car costs wouldn't be unreasonable either.

gardenfan Sun 24-Mar-13 08:34:19

yes, he is definately being UR. I can never understand why people have this "need" to have independent money. DH and i have always had a joint account, we dont feel we need to ask one another about what we spend on ourselves, we both know the limits of our spending. Obviously expensive items are discussed. We do not have a particularly high income, (both in nhs proffesional jobs) we do not have a luxurious lifestyle, or expensive holidys, but at the same time we do not have any money worries, just paid off mortgage (at age of 52), and have no debt. 4 DCs at uni, so that isnt cheap. I often get overtime to boost income, which i take. Surely, in a marriage, there is a partnership, none of this "my money and his money" attitude, and if debt was an issue, definately this should be approached as a joint predicament, and if he has no debt, he should look at ways he can help, to prevent this happening again, as it is obviously causing you stress.

kitsmummy Sun 24-Mar-13 08:15:19

God, there are so many ridiculous issues going on here:

1 - of course he is BU. He said he was ok with you working, and of course he should be - £250 is a lot of money off an overdraft
2 - Why don't you have joint money? You both contribute in different ways and it should be shared. You said about the MOT and tyres etc - so I take it any problems with the car come out of your money, so if you get another massive bill on it then it would put you way into overdraft I take it? Stupid, you need to be sharing money from a family pot
3 - I think you do sound a bit precious too (sorry) - all this hand wringing regarding leaving the kids on one day at the weekend, as a one off? Really, I just think it's all a bit high drama from both you and your DH

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sun 24-Mar-13 08:02:58

If your off over Easter it more like swapping a shift.

MrsDoomsPatterson Sun 24-Mar-13 08:02:27

He needs to man up. Some of us work every Sunday with not a murmur from our partners. It's just what has to be done.

ChristmasJubilee Sun 24-Mar-13 08:01:45

I asked him and he said if I wanted to that's it there.

If he didn't want you to he should have said so however I don't agree with his money/your money. If he earns 4x what you earn he should be paying car insurance etc. you are doing more childcare than him. You should have equal disposable income.

RubyGates Sun 24-Mar-13 07:59:42

I work every other Sunday(ish) for a measly £50 UKP (4 hours) and £65 if it's my turn to be in charge.... If I thought there was £250 to be gained form a day's work I'd be out of the door like a shot.

I'm working today, OH will be doing some fairly half-assed childcare but we need the money.
That's what parenting and partnership is about no?

The fur will fly however if accidentally booked to work a Sunday (we have to book to work in advance before other schedules come out) when I have to also work a Saturday (about twice/three times a year). Poor dear OH just can't cope with DS2 two days in a row hmm

YANBU, YABresponsible.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 24-Mar-13 07:53:11

whoops. and no, you are not being unreasonable. If he had a problem, the time to say so was when you asked!

Sounds like he just doesn't want to be left with the kids. [cynical]

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 24-Mar-13 07:52:16

You don't pay charges on your overdraft? Not even interest? Which bank is that? I may swap if I can!

pamelat Sun 24-Mar-13 07:49:23

Thanks all

I don't pay charges on my over draft. It's permitted by the bank and is unusual that it's this bad. I've had car insurance (whole year upfront),MOT, 2tyres and Other boring things to buy sad

Am off to work ;) we had terrible night with ds so everyone else is asleep, feels very odd!!

"he rarely gets time to himself with them"
I can't be the only one who read that and immediately translated it into "he rarely takes care of his own children without me there to do the bits he can't be bothered doing or hasn't bothered to find out how to do", can I?
<cynical>

It sounds to me as if he said "do it" thinking you wouldn't; so he could seem supportive without actually having to lift a finger. But you took it at face value, and now he's bricking it.

"I am significantly over drawn £900. DH is generous but I like to stand on my own feet and pay my share."
Pay my share? Really? Shouldn't you consider yourselves to be one financial unit, since you are one family? It never ceases to amaze me that so many couple run this 'separate finances' thing. You and DH are the adults in the unit. You both contribute, be that in strict financial terms or childcare, organisation or practical support. It makes more sense if both salaries are pooled into one joint account (from which all household and child-related costs are paid - and I do mean ALL), with both adults transferring THE SAME AMOUNT of personal funds to sole accounts each month. A couple where one has money to burn and the other a mahoosive overdraft is not a good way to live. If your DH is truly generous, he should see the logic in that. Or is his financial generosity on a par with his parental generosity (i.e. lip service only)?

SquinkieBunnies Sun 24-Mar-13 01:12:11

He's being unreasonable, he needs to suck it up and do some parenting.
But you too are being unreasonable, you are a family unit, money is earned "for the family" therefore he shouldn't just be paying more into the family pot but giving enough that you don't have an overdraft (unless you a some sort of shopaholic gambler) I know you want to be independent, but the kids are both of yours so he needs to financially step up a bit more by the sound of it. Why don't you let him pay off the overdraft (was it money that went to the family?) then contribute the money from working Sunday back to "the family" so you don't feel so dependent.

babyinarms Sun 24-Mar-13 00:10:54

He's being unreasonable, not you!!!. It's not too often you get offered double time (I suspect) and that will go a long way to pay off your overdraft. As for Ds being difficult at the moment,he is his responsibility too, so your DH will just have to get on with it , it's only one day!
You will have plenty of family time over the easter break, so if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much!

treedelivery Sun 24-Mar-13 00:10:27

??

Lordy help you and him if your job ever needs you to work a shift pattern. I hardly ever get a whole weekend off and certainly never a whole public holiday. It's life! with dc's in school, shift workers like me usually see them as we leave for a night shift, for about 20 mins a day. For days on end!

Your dh is being rather daft. Or is he just miffed he'll be doing a days solo childcare? I'm afraid I'd be inclined to question his motives.

Enjoy paying off a huge chunk of that overdraft. Good feeling! (not that I'd know grin)

HollyBerryBush Sun 24-Mar-13 00:09:44

His solution would be to give me the money (he earns x 4 my part time salary) but I don't want that and quite like my job

Then you are a fool to be paying bank charges when as a family you don't have to.

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