Or is DH: bouncing me into talking to someone I had a falling out with a long time ago?

(26 Posts)
quesadilla Sat 23-Mar-13 21:27:55

DH was friends with this couple when I first met him. I always hadn't doubts about them - thought they were a bit dodgy (fiddling the housing benefit etc and was fairly sure the woman was a serial cheat - this later turned out to be true.)
Things came to a head when DH (accurately) accused the girl if cheating on her DH with a mutual friend. The couple ganged up on him and accused him of being a fantasist etc. what really tore it was when they asked me to the woman's baby shower, asked me for a very specific and detailed list of presents that came to about forty quid (which I bought), and then when I arrived they proceeded to publicly lay into my husband, saying he was trash, he married me for my money (which is a joke) and he was jealous of the husband and in love with the wife. Etc. I made my excuses and left but felt crushed and humiliated. A big row ensued. Fast forward five or six years. My DH and I now have a kid. I have been very clear with DH that I don't want anything to do with them. DH has since been in contact with the husband on a couple of occasions, says he is very sorry etc. I have said I have no problem if DH wants to see the guy but I don't want anything to do with either of them. In one recent conversation I said maybe there would come a time when I would talk to the husband but he was never going to be a friend.
DH goes out earlier to do some shopping, has a drink with a friend. Calls me to say he has bumped into the husband and is going to have a quick drink with him. Fine. Except he then proceeds to give phone to the husband and expect me to make small talk with him. I am incandescent with DH for his emotional fuckwittery. We have since had a big row. AIBU to think he should have warned me before he thrust me onto the phone with someone he knows makes me feel stressed just thinking about?

quesadilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:48:00

Whereyouleftit quite. I just feel sometimes one needs to draw a line. Forgiveness is admirable if people take responsibility but just acting like nothing ever happened is corrosive.

quesadilla Sun 24-Mar-13 10:41:34

2rebecca to clarify it wasn't my DH doing the apologising it was the husband. I think he now accepts he was wrong. And, as discussed, if he were to apologise to my face I might be able to move on but certainly I am not prepared to make idle chit chat with him.

Regardless of the social conventions in your husband's home country, he does sound as if he has a bit of a self-esteem problem going on. And he absolutely does not get to decide that you will be as much of a doormat as he is being. The baby shower, with its shopping list of gifts, sounds like it was a complete set-up. Wring as much out of you as possible, then humiliate you to 'punish' your husband. I would never want to have anything to do with this nasty pair again.

To those whose phone conversations are handed over to strangers by the person you are talking to (shock) - why not just say to the stranger "What! Is he/she being a fuckwit again? Give the phone back to them, please ..."

2rebecca Sun 24-Mar-13 10:02:01

I agree that going to the baby shower sounds a mistake, especially with the expensive presents. I'd have just declined. If my husband passed the phone to someone I didn't wish to speak to I would ask to be passed back to my husband and say goodbye and put the phone down and tell him later never to do that again.
It sounds as though this couple were more your husband's friends and he maybe misses them. I wouldn't stop him socialising with them, but would make it clear I don't wish to socialise with them.
I'm also not clear why your husband is the one apologising not this couple for behaving unreasonably when confronted with the truth.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 24-Mar-13 08:46:51

I can imagine.

you can't control what he chooses to do, but if it was me, I would flat out refuse to have anything to do with them for the way they behaved towards me by publicly humiliating me.

I don't forgive. It's not my most attractive trait, but there you go. <shrug>

I would put the phone down if he passed it to me and expected me to talk. I would get my coat on and leave if he brought them into my house.

When I'm done with someone, it's forever

There's a lot of 'I' in there, but the alternative is for it to read like I am ordering you what to do! grin you should you should you should...

quesadilla Sun 24-Mar-13 08:39:37

Hecsy quite. It really upsets me that DH can't see that being friends with these people again suggests he has no self-respect. His argument is "everyone makes mistakes," and the guy is genuinely sorry. But I can't get past it and I don't think he should either.

quesadilla Sun 24-Mar-13 08:36:25

Holly he wasn't being a gossip monger - the mutual friend had confessed to him that he was having it off with this guy's wife and DH felt honour bound to tell him which he did. They then fell out spectacularly with DH - presumably the husband was in denial. I can't be sure exactly what their motives were with regard to the baby shower but I surmise that they felt it was the easiest way to get back at DH (since at that point he was not on speaking terms with them but I was still on reasonably cordial terms with the wife in part because I had accompanied her to some doctors appointments as she had a high risk pregnancy.) DH has behaved badly since but he was in no way simply shit stirring.

He is acting like the doormat on which his 'friend' wipes his feet.

Your h has lost his pride somewhere along the line being all matey again, be prepared for him bringing them home next or arranging a get together.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 24-Mar-13 08:12:47

If my good friend's partner was cheating on them, I'd tell them. I hope that a good friend of mine would tell me. I don't think that makes you a bad person. I'd rather be told than to be made a fool of, with everyone but me knowing my partner was shagging around.

GreenLeafTea Sun 24-Mar-13 08:12:07

My husband used to call me when he was out drinking with friends then pass the phone to one of them. One time his friend was being a complete dick and kept repeating everything I said but in a stupid voice so I just hung up and turned my phone off. I guess husband was embarrassed by this and never called me when out drinking again. I was so glad because I hated it.

If your husband is out with people just answers texts not phone calls.

HollyBerryBush Sun 24-Mar-13 08:08:43

I'm a bit lost at the whole thing TBH.

Your DH tried to put a spanner in someone elses marriage and they tore him off a strip.

I don't know about you not wanting to talk to them - I'd certainly never talk to your DH again for pulling a stunt like that.

I'm equally perplexed why, with the festering resentment, why they invited you to a baby shower and why you took him along. I'm not even sure why you went knowing your DH had fallen out with this couple

DH has since been in contact with the husband on a couple of occasions, says he is very sorry etc

Who is sorry? DH for gossip mongering or the friend reacting to the gossip?

If it's your DH that is sorry, then he knows he was wrong. Not quite sure what the other bloke is apologising for if he thinks your DH fancies his wife.

However if it is your DH that has done the apologising and now talking to his friend, you have to accept your DH was totally in the wrong with his initial shit stirring and as much as you didn't like the drubbing you got, it is now for the other DH to apologise to you for the insults slung.

There's a lesson to be learned here - never fuck about in other peoples relationships.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 24-Mar-13 08:02:43

Does your husband think so little of himself that he is happy to crawl back to people who demonstrate that they can treat him with contempt?

That's really sad.

quesadilla Sun 24-Mar-13 07:58:50

not going to put my foot down.

quesadilla Sun 24-Mar-13 07:57:58

Sorry: would rather not say where my DH is from. I don't like to dictate who he sees and doesn't see which is why I am it going to put my foot down about seeing this guy. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. I am privately a bit hurt that he still considers him worthy of socialising with, in the light of what he did to me but he is an "old friend" (and DH doesn't have many of those). But I did think expecting me to be ready to make small talk with him was very emotionally unintelligent.

AgentZigzag Sat 23-Mar-13 22:17:47

Even if they apologised, they'd still be the same people wouldn't they?

Your DH has shown what kind of loyalty he has to the bloke by trying to tell him about the affair with the mutual friend, that must have been difficult for him when his friend chose to believe the woman over him?

This couple has treated you with utter contempt, and your husband is trying to force you to move on and be pally with them, instead of taking your side? And that is without either of them apologizing to you?

Poor you, married to such a stupid man.

hwjm1945 Sat 23-Mar-13 22:04:06

Out of interest which country is he from? V English to do this.I would have thought

AgentZigzag Sat 23-Mar-13 22:00:57

I can't believe he handed you over to the bloke on the phone shock what kind of a stunt is that to pull?

What did you say to him?

I also can't believe he's fucking arguing with you and wants you to forget what you know about these people. You don't seem to have a problem with the fact that he's all chummy with them now, because you know it's his own business, why can't he do the same?

What makes him think he has the right to dictate who you see?

Is it that it's a constant elephant in the room whenever he sees this bloke?

He's being totally unreasonable trying to make it your responsibility when the responsibility should lay with the couple for being weird and embarrassing.

Your husbands sounds like a dimwitted idiot.

quesadilla Sat 23-Mar-13 21:54:34

To be fair he has really backed me up in his conversations with this guy (so he says and I have no reason not to believe him.) I just think its typical lack of emotional intelligence. He has form asking me to make small talk over the phone with random people (colleagues/remote family members etc.) he comes from a hyper social country where people do things like that all the time and I put it down to that and usually let it go but that was pretty rubbish.

aldiwhore Sat 23-Mar-13 21:54:33

For no other reason than being passed around on the phone YANBU. Whatever the circumstances... if you want to talk to someone you usually ask.

My brother has a habit of, when I phone him, passing me around to anyone he happens to be with at the time, what the actual fuck am I supposed to say to his new girlfriend I haven't ever even met when I know she's in bed with him at the time? WHY would I want to talk to his neighbour??? WHAT the hell possesses him to pass my around the pub???

YANBU.

YA(doubly)NBU to be fuming that this person is specifically someone you have said you don't want much to do with at this time.

BUt... beer does funny things to people. Revenge is appropriate in this case. Time to think up a plan to make your DH feel railroaded and put on the spot. Enforce Karma.

SweetSeraphim Sat 23-Mar-13 21:49:07

Yes! In my honest opinion, I think he should back you up anyway. There would be a part of me that would be annoyed he would want to socialise with either of them. But that's not the issue. How can he not see that?

quesadilla Sat 23-Mar-13 21:42:13

sweet this is exactly it. I had sort of said that tentatively when I was ready I might entertain the idea of putting it behind me if it meant a lot to him and if an apology was forthcoming. And he turned around and said "you said you were ok with him" which I really didn't. Frankly I find it bizarre that he is able to forgive someone who a) publicly slandered him and b) massively upset and insulted his wife. But it's his decision. What I really resent is the idea that I should be ready to make idle chit chat with this piece of trash man just because DH thinks he wants to be his drinking buddy again.

SweetSeraphim Sat 23-Mar-13 21:33:39

I would be incandescent with rage. Not because I would expect him to not be friends with them - that's his decision - but forcing my hand like that would make me very angry indeed.

quesadilla Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:59

Sorry, I had doubts about them.

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