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To think that my dm doesn't like me?

(30 Posts)
dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:22:52

My DS has next week off work. I am a sahm with two school aged kids. ( don't judge me!). They have arranged at least two days out together including a shopping trip. They never ask me. They have nearly always been like this, and in the past I have sobbed over being left out. She does help out with my dcs, I cooked her a lovely roast for Mother's Day, but she does not seem to want my company much. I haven't cried this time, but it's making me feel very down. My df seems to like me better. I will probably spend time with him instead.

Hesterton Fri 22-Mar-13 18:27:31

Talk to her, ask her if there is anything which makes her reluctant to include you. In a non-hostile way.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Mar-13 18:30:43

Your son and your mum have sorted out two days out without asking you, is that what you're saying?

How old is your son?

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:32:59

If I say anything, they say of course you can come, but they never ask. I often find out about their trips after they have happened, so I do know they try not to include me if they can help it iyswim. I suppose at the grand old age of 45 I should just shrug my shoulders and get on with life. But writing this thread is asking me feel upset, so I don't really help myself do I? I'm not a lovely person, so there's not much to like is there?

By DS do you mean your son or your sister?

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:33:28

Sorry, by DS I mean sister!

Does your sister have children too? I was wondering if its just because they assume you will be too busy to go.

DieWilde13 Fri 22-Mar-13 18:38:46

Not very helpful, but mil is exactly the same.
We are just letting the relationship die a slow and painful death at the moment. Hurts, though.

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:39:54

No my sis is single. I'm not too busy, my dcs are at school! She doesn't see much of my dcs either, although as I said she helps if needed. When I had my dd, I visualised us doing things together, but dd is 14, so that time has passed! I also worry my dd and I will not be close, as me and dm aren't.

b4bunnies Fri 22-Mar-13 18:40:47

you are a lovely person, and you are hurting. i'm sorry about that. i think you should get some counselling. this isn't 'nothing' or something small. my mum is dying (not immediately, but soon-ish) and i will never be able to hear her say 'i'm sorry i hurt you. i love you.' a couple of days ago i held her hand and told her that things that she had done in the past, or that others did to her, no longer matter. that's only true for her - it matters to me! counselling doesn't make things right but it helps you to live with it.

That's really thoughtless and hurtful of them, and I'm not surprised it stings.

What do you mean, you're 'not a lovely person'? It sounds to me as though your self esteem is at a low ebb. Is your family one of those where each parent gels more with one of the offspring? You say that your Dad seems more sympathetic. I'd make plans with him next week, to do something really enjoyable, and perhaps mention that you find it a bit 'off' that your Mum & sister don't include you in their plans. He might have his own thoughts on it.

Maybe worth backing off for a little bit and spending a bit of time thinking over how your family operates, and whether you might be better off distancing yourself a little rather than trying to please someone who can be unkind to you in this way... we don't choose our family, and sometimes it isn't you- it's them.

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:45:10

Diewilde, sorry about you and your mil, mine died 14 yrs ago!
I don't want to end my relationship with my dm. This is hard to say on mn, but when I was a child she used to hit me with a garden cane, but rarely my dsis. I can still remember that look of hatred in her eyes. I don't think I was a particularly naughty child! I could count on one hand the number of times my two have had a smack, and hated myself when that happened. I have perfected screeching like a fishwife down to a fine art when they are driving me mad!

I agree with the others that this is hurtful and maybe some counselling could help. Remember not everybody you deal with, even in your own family, is kind and considerate so don't base your self-esteem on the actions of people who are clearly thoughtless.

I am sure you are a lovely person.

x post
Definately get some counselling, it sounds like the problem lies with your "D"M. Who the hell hits a child with a garden cane?

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:49:10

Bfbunnies, I'm sorry your dm is ill, and hope you get to spend some quality time together.

I do try to make myself as busy as possible so it doesn't hurt so much. I do sometimes do things with my dsis which is nice. We have started Rosemary Conley classes in an effort to she'd some blubber!

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:50:47

She used to keep it above the door frame to our lounge. Don't know whether its still there! Rest assured if she laid a finger on my dc, she would never see them again!!

Hesterton Fri 22-Mar-13 18:51:33

Sometimes parents do demonise one child. It is possible this happened to you. Google 'daughters of narcissic mothers' website - do you identify with any of it?

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:52:53

Do you really think I need councilling? I am a lucky person, I have an amazing DH, two beautiful dc, a nice house etc.

Hesterton Fri 22-Mar-13 18:53:35

Only you can make that decision.

Yes, because you have subconsciously absorbed the message that you are less valuable and less lovable than your sister not because its true but because your Mum had a warped and vicious parenting style,

Dinosaurhunter Fri 22-Mar-13 18:55:40

Op if this really upsets you then you should all talk about it . I have 4 sisters and we each had different relationships with our mum with one sister being particularly close to my mum ie spending lots of time together , my mum always looking after her 3 children etc ... However I never doubted for one minute my mum loved me less or purposely left me out they just had more in common . Also I would never expect to be invited to everything my family used to do , the logistics would be impossible .

SquinkieBunnies Fri 22-Mar-13 18:57:28

Have you asked you DF about all this maybe he has some insight. It must be very hurtful, I'd probably have a good cry about it myself.
I haven't done a day out with my Dm and Dsis in forever, due to all living in distant places, and when we get together It ends up with me and sis going, or Mum and Sis or the whole family my kids included.

dingit Fri 22-Mar-13 18:58:39

Hesterton, I had a very quick look at that website, and already identified with a couple of points! I will read it in detail later. Don't want my DH to see me reading it. He knows about my dm, ( he's mopped up my tears before! ), but I'm not sure he knows about the cane, or that I still have nightmares ( although not too often, fortunately)

lottie63 Fri 22-Mar-13 19:33:50

I feel your pain OP. My dm and two other ds organised a day spa thing which they didn't invite me to. Okay, I probably wouldn't have gone... but still... It's the inviting, isn't it? I did end up how hurtful that was - to dm - and since then she's had 'run-ins' with my two ds. Anyway, I've now invited dm on holiday with me and the kids so as to spend some time together. Am hoping we will get quality time.

dingit Sat 23-Mar-13 11:05:17

Well that put me in my place. Rang her this morning, and she finished conversation abruptly as dsis was at the front door hmm

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