To stop contact with ex-inlaws?

[turbochildren]

Briefly, my exP has conditions of bail preventing direct and indirect contact with me and children. Any contact with them is to be supervised, but he has not contacted me via solicitor as yet. Since the incident however, his mum and aunt have both called me and said things like do I really want to go ahead with the charges, I don't seem to understand what it involves, I should think really carefully about it etc. (it's not me but the police bringing the charges. I can't retract my statement anyway.)Today one of them called to have news about the children. I have tried to be civilised and nice, but today I had some prying questions about dr appts for the youngest, and about my older missing a few days at school as we are going away for the school holiday. " It's a long time for them to not see their father."
I have done everything through the appropriate channels, it's approved with the headmaster. AIBU to think that they are deluded cows? Should I say it would have been even longer if he had actually succeeded in strangling me so that I would fall down the stairs with our daughter?

[MirandaGoshawk]

No. I would keep a firm but polite distance from them. You are in charge! I would also be 'out' when they ring. Have you got caller recognition on your phone?

[HollyBerryBush]

How are they getting the information about Drs appts and holidays?

[raisah]

Warn the school about them, in case they try something stupid. Also tell your kids that only you or a trusted person will collect them & they shouldnt go with anyone who turns up unexpectedly on your 'behalf'. Do not let them answer the phone in case they are asked q's by your ex in laws.

[HollyBerryBush]

Have you tried stating "you are breaching Exs bail conditions by asking me questions" ?

or

"I cant answer those questions, you are trying to manipulate me, and that is against Exs bail conditions"

or

simply not answering the phone if you see their number?

I hope you are logging all the calls

[turbochildren]

Thanks for answers. I'm so angry. They knew about the children because I have told them. yes, I feel naive and stupid, just tried to be civilised esp with the gran. I have actually written email to them both saying I cannot talk about the case as it would breach the conditions of bail. They really should know all the conditions of bail, but perhaps exP has not told them, or they are nasty and stupid and do not care. Stupidly I said I would be happy to talk about the children...well, that came to a grinding halt just now.
I'm keeping notes and texts, and have spoken to my solicitor.
I have told the school about exP, will say tomorrow about the others.

[SquinkieBunnies]

So sorry you and the children are getting grief from the inlaws, I'd get an answer machine and screen all calls. Keep everything on email so you have proof of what they are saying.
Stay strong

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

When I left my DH - well he left and went home to his mam - (he had killed my puppies and was a violent alcoholic and then had knocked my son across the full length of the kitchen in a temper) - his mam phoned me and told me all about how sorry he was and how I should take him back, and why was I being so horrible and on and on.
Now I loved my XMiL dearly, so I didn't hang up but just told her exactly what he had done, and it turned out he had told her a pack of lies and she had no idea :(
Could your X have done the same? so his mum and sister think he hasn't done "anything much"? or he has loaded blame onto you, in their eyes somehow?
Of course, they might just be interfering and mean/wicked, but they could be misled and deluded - nobody wants to think their son/brother is capable of wickedness whatever your X did and it might be worth finding out - that is if you think there is a chance your children can have a relationship with their gran and aunt.
You are in the best position to judge though, you know what they are actually like so to speak.

[turbochildren]

Oh gosh pombear, that must have been awful!
They know exactly what he's done. They have both said he's an alcoholic, that he's abusing his family, that he is sadly turning out to be a sadist like his own father. I'm so puzzled. My guess is that gran is extremely upset, which is understandable. I don't understand the aunt. Starts out all nice, anything I can do to help, and then gets all crossed. Hmm, a bit similar to her nephew, in fact, come to think of it.
I'm lucky to have my family being very supportive. It was them who called the police.
My youngest is in no way able to be alone without me with anyone+dad. she is terrified of him. She is transformed with him gone. i thought she could have mild autism (and will still check out, this is the dr appts) but she is behaving totally different now. I feel like saying this, but it would just sound vengeful.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I would be very blunt with them.

He strangled me. He tried to kill me. And you think that I am being unreasonable? If you suggest that again, I will have to rethink your own contact with my children.

[ZillionChocolate]

"As witness intimidation is an offence and could get you into a lot of trouble, I think it's better that we don't talk about the criminal case at all. So about the children....."

[Pilgit]

Families can be very strange. I have nothing helpful to add to help as such but this reminds me of a situation I witnessed in court when I was at law school. Man accused of DV and a host of related things. His sister is in court giving quite damning evidence against him. Then, when finished sits down and starts having a conversation with the accused across the court room - the kind if silent 'you okay?' and from him things like mouthed 'fine, how are the kids' all in a jokey, familiar fashion that wouldn't be out of place across a crowded bar (as you can't actually have a conversation whilst court is in session). He and his family seemed to be treating it like a day out. His ex partner gave evidence via video link she was so terrified. He and his family just didn't seem to see anything wrong or out of the ordinary with what he had done. It was truly astonishing. YANBU.

[turbochildren]

He wants to see them tomorrow as we are going away on holiday on Sunday, coming back in 2 1/2 weeks. I don't trust his aunt to supervise anymore. My mother is being brave and says she can maybe take the two oldest to see him in a neutral place, the park or something. Youngest can't see him.
I phoned Children's services to have advise, but the case has been closed. I don't get that. But the police say the contact only needs to be arranged through solicitor, and the supervising person to be one we both trust. One I trust at least.

[Jux]

Does he have to see the children tomorrow by Order of the Court or something?

TBH, he has no actual right to see them at all. They do have the right to see him of course. Do they want to before they go away? If not, then he'll just have to wait 'til they get back.

His mum and aunt will simply have to learn to treat you with a bit of respect.

[turbochildren]

Thanks for all help. My mother is really nervous about tomorrow, I feel I've asked a huge thing from her. The children want to see him, so we have stretched pretty far.
Niceties with the aunt have stopped, only email contact from now.
It is weird, as pilgit described, it's as if this is sort of normal and I'm being a "bit difficult".
Have decided they will just have to behave or I will not be very pleasant anymore.
No order of the court, I guess we are just being too nice. well, off now. thanks for supprt.

[ZillionChocolate]

If your mum has problems today, look into contact centres.

[macdoodle]

I got on really well with XMIL, until XH kept me in my kitchen for hours and tried to strangle me. The all of a sudden I was the unreasonable one, he was really sorry, I was an evil bitch for leaving him, I kept the children from him. After that all contact with them ground to a halt.
Blood is truly and always thicker than water.

[turbochildren]

Oh god, macdoodle. How horrible.
Yup, blood is thicker than water. His mum is crossed with me for not leaving him before...?
yes, the being kept somewhere for ages, not being allowed to leave, beaing pushed and pulled about, hot pans, and finally stranglehold on 4 occations.
Auntie wanted me to think very carefully about the consequences for the poor soul if he had to go to court, I should drop the charges. Then they were all of a sudden so very concerned about the baby. Finally as we are going on holiday to my homecountry (all approved and rubberstamped by any conceivable authority) they were upset about how long it would be before he could see the children.
Right, so today who troops up with exP? Auntie. My mother shouted at her to go away, the agreement (via solicitor) was him, children, my mum. Auntie carries on towards the table, my guess is expecting my mum to back down. Well, she had a surprise. I emailed them that I will have nothing more to do with them as this was one push too many.
Good grief. the stress. Just had to vent. I shouted in the car when I picked up my mum and the children and she told me what had happened. That was not awesome for the guys, so a bit of venting now.
All chances have been spilt, so he's just going to get himself on a contact centre waiting list. I do not trust that woman anymore at all.

[ZillionChocolate]

Make sure you tell your solicitor on Monday so this is well documented.

[Jux]

The behaviour is unbelievable. Does she really think that she is above the law. Throw everything at them, and don't pull your punches.

So now, have a fab holiday!

[TheBigJessie]

That's bloody awful.

However, in the long-term, perhaps it's good that your ex-p and his family are nasty and thick. They're practically throwing evidence at you to document!

[turbochildren]

Thanks, yes we're off now. The mind boggles as to what they are thinking. Just to be sure, I have received two further emails. Will not read them until I'm away.
maybe it's a good thing that they've shown me the head of the beast already. Now I know what I'm dealing with. yuk.
WIshing everyone the best possible Easter hols, wherever you are!

[Follyfoot]

Perhaps the father should have thought of that before he tried to strangle her

[TakingTheStairs]

youarepriceless
Are really so blind and stupid that you think contact with violent nasty father is in the children's best interests? It is the children's needs that take priority not the fathers.

[TakingTheStairs]

• are you really