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to think it's inappropriate for DD to share a bed/room with a boy twice her age?

(288 Posts)
princessj29 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:25:30

DD is only just 5. She sees her father every other weekend. He has a girlfriend who has a ten year old brother who often sleeps over when DD is there. Her father bought a bunk bed for her room with a double bed on the bottom, which she says they usually share. There is another spare room in the house so no need for them to share rooms let alone beds IMO. She spoke about his 'bits pointing up' when he woke last week and I feel very uncomfortable about them sharing a bed/room. AIBU?

MrsSham Fri 22-Mar-13 12:27:37

Sounds like sensible advice OP, I hope it works out well for your dd. just follow the advice if you are not happy, but also don't rely upon him just convincing you that he has, because he may just pay lip service to it and carry on as before.

princessj29 Fri 22-Mar-13 11:52:49

OP back.
I received a reply from the NSPCC. They recommended a referral to Children's. Services because of the combination of bed/room sharing and the physical signs of anxiety DD displays around contact as well as her difficulties communicating. I'm going to see if he's listened about beds/films/games this weekend and take it from there.

Asamumnonsense Fri 22-Mar-13 09:53:31

OP, you definitely should not let this go on...
I have a 5 year old and I would not let her be in this situation. Poor little boy too. He is 10, he shouldn't have to share with a younger girl. It is just so odd. It is beyond me that her dad cannot see that.
At some point he is going to have to see that it is not appropriate for either children.
Good luck

myBOYSareBONKERS Fri 22-Mar-13 07:06:08

sorry if you have already answered this but why cant the boy go on the top bunk?

Damash12 Fri 22-Mar-13 02:42:59

Yanbu - no way would I let this continue. When would xh see the age as inappropriate if not now. 1 year? 5 years?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 22-Mar-13 00:37:32

Christ alive.

Why don't you two start your own thread and discuss the research surrounding victims of childhood sexual abuse turning into adult abusers,I'm sure it would be fascinating and informative.

I know my own views on the subject but both of your opposing views could run into several pages and I know I would find it highly interesting.

And it would get the derail of this thread back on track,as it certainly sounds like the op is needing her thread to stay on track.

Op as I said earlier if any of the children belonged with me I would not be best pleased.

IMHO both children are made vulnerable by the situation,neither are having there privacy respected neither are having boundaries respected and as you can see from some of the responses on here both are risking many things.

A 10yo boy accused of anything inappropriate and accused and a 5 yo potentially being treated like a victim of some form of abuse where by the checks ect that would be used to ascertain if anything happened should a over enthusiastic TA miss interpret a innocent comment and decide he/she is all of a sudden a 'expert' in CP could in themselves be abusive and very damaging to the child.

If that happened both children could be caused harm.

And besides I expect neither are getting a decent nights kip.

MrsSham Fri 22-Mar-13 00:12:47

Good job you are in the job you do then. I prefere to think my self as more open minded and informed.

shesariver Fri 22-Mar-13 00:09:57

Think what you like, thankfully I don't think like you in my job. Goodnight.

MrsSham Fri 22-Mar-13 00:03:17

Like I said narrow, you are completely missing my point.

shesariver Fri 22-Mar-13 00:01:37

"Narrow professional point of view" Hahaha, good god hmm

because you can't also argue that people who are abused are a risk to them selfs or at risk of personality disorders

Well lots of people much more academic than me have certainly done so as there is an abundance of research showing the link - not of course that being abused automatically makes you develop a personality disorder but it increases the risk. People who have been sexually abused as children do face an increase risk of developing BPD. Of course not everyone who has been abused develops it or indeed not everyone with BPD has been abused either.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:56:23

Like you said part of your role is to help them understand they are not predestined to abuse....this is part of that learning process.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:54:15

And they are lead to therapy because they have somewhere received the appropriate intervention and influences. And they receive therapy as part of that learning process.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:51:36

Like I said you are viewing it from a narrow professional point of view. The influences of abuse are not as clear cut as that.

I can accept that cycles can be broken with the appropriate influences and interventions and the effects of abuse can be varied.

but there is the likelihood that abuse and unclear boundaries can lead to certain risky and abusive behaviours associated with experiencing abuse.

As can increased chances of MH. And so your argument is just as strong as it is open to critique, just like my own opinion.

because you can't also argue that people who are abused are a risk to them selfs or at risk of personality disorders.

Because some are not. But the potential is there because of the abuse.

shesariver Thu 21-Mar-13 23:46:42

And not to discredit your opinion but none of my patients need to learn the message that "the influences of abuse and the negative effects can be powerful"....as they live it every day of their lives, which is why they end up in therapy in the first place.

shesariver Thu 21-Mar-13 23:43:48

No I do understand about shocking and "disturbing life long circumstances" thanks and the risks involved with poor attachment relationships - but doesn't automatically turn you into an abuser however, in my experience people who have been sexually abused as children are more at risk to themselves than others e.g increases the risk of suffering borderline personality disorder with an associated higher risk of self-harm.

So that doesn't really answer the question as to why you think anyone could be abuser when you are now just referring to people who have been abused themselves....

And Im glad I dont believe "My judgement is that the potential to continue that behaviour is as strong as the potential to break the cycle" thankfully.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:40:20

Giving not given.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:39:53

And not to discredit your role, as that is so important to empowering and enabling cycles to be be broken and given that message to everyone that the influences of abuse and the negative effects can be powerful.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:36:20

When abuse is the only influence you know. Shocking and disturbing life long circumstances.

My judgement is that the potential to continue that behaviour is as strong as the potential to break the cycle.

shesariver Thu 21-Mar-13 23:34:11

Not wishing to get into a huge debate but there is no way I accept that....ok help me understand why you believe this - then what "correct circumstances" would make you sexually abuse a child since this is what you are stating you are capable of?

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:31:08

I believe so, given the correct circumstances we do.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:30:26

But you are viewing that in a very narrow way then shesariver. What you describe is about resilience and countering oppression. MA y other professionals deal with people who have experienced abuse as an influence on their own abusive behaviour. It is not an exact science unfortunately.

shesariver Thu 21-Mar-13 23:30:11

mrssham are you really saying any one of us has the potential to sexually abuse a child? Really?

shesariver Thu 21-Mar-13 23:29:20

And thebody Im actually quite offended by your sweeping assumption that I "cant believe" referring to abuse helps paedophiles like Jimmy Saville to flourish - at no point did I say anything remotely like that. I hear it every day what adults do sexually to children and the emotional impact this has had on their lives.

MrsSham Thu 21-Mar-13 23:26:26

And a potential to be any of these things are just as likely in the correct circumstances to encourage them, however the difference is any of those things, supermodel, prime minister etc, does not put others at risk.

Look into simple learning theories and there is your answer.

shesariver Thu 21-Mar-13 23:25:41

thebody where did I say I was disgusted? confused

I actually work with adults who have been sexually abused as children and a big part of my job is helping them understand that they are not somehow predestined to abuse to - just because they have been abused. Or seeing all (usually) men as potential abusers so much so it destroys their life. So no by saying I dont agree that everyone has the "potential" to abuse doesnt mean I am minimising the subject or dont have an understanding of the issues, what patients tell me is most definitely their real life and is not "fluffy bunnies."

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