Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

to stand by Ds wanting to change his name?

(305 Posts)
poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 12:13:15

Ds is seven, his father and I seperated when he was just a couple of months old. I met my now husband when he was 18 months old, and he now has two brothers. He sees his dad evey other weekend.

DS has his fathers surname, but for the last year he has wanted my surname (the same as my husbands and his brothers), he just started to write it at school and at home. As a compromise I suggested that he use both names, and we approached his Dad to make sure he was happy with it. He's not, and will entertain no conversation about it.

I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair sad

Kendodd Wed 20-Mar-13 13:59:38

If people are so concerned about all having the same name I think it would make a lot more sense for my cousin when she met/married a new man for him to change his name (admittedly that would have been to her last partners name). That way only one person would have to change their name instead of three people, my cousin and her two children.

PrincessUnderpaid Wed 20-Mar-13 14:01:36

DS has always had my name as ex-p and I were never married, ex-p was a little hmm when i announced he would have my name not his but i didnt give a monkeys as he actually wasnt even in the county when Ds was born.

8 years on, I am now married and have my maiden name and my DHs name (no hyphen just 2 surnames) as I wanted to keep the same name as my Ds. DS spends every other weekend with his Dad but he is very close to my DH and has started expressing his desire to take the name same as me, when I asked him his answer was that if DH and I have any more children he would like the same name as his siblings so I guess this indicates he is thinking about his future and how he perecives his place in our blended family.

In my opinion, perhaps your own DS wishes to identify himself with his brothers and hopefully your ex-h will have the emoitinal maturity to respect his sons feelings.

Best of luck

juneau Wed 20-Mar-13 14:03:30

Kendodd - that's fine if you get married multiple times and have DC by different fathers (and I appreciate that you won't know this will happen in advance), but if you get married once and have DC with that person it's MUCH easier for the family to all have the same surname. I considered keeping my maiden name when I married, but I'm sure I'd still get called Mrs X at the DC's school, whether that was my name or not.

As to the OP - if your DS feels really strongly about this you may need to request formal mediation. If your ex refuses I suspect your DS will have to wait until he's 18 to change his name by deed poll.

mungotracy Wed 20-Mar-13 14:06:52

"I don't know what to do now, seems so unfair"

You wait until your son is an adult and can make his own decision instead of trying to change a name when he is arguably heavily influenced by you. He has a name and its his legal appellation. You tell your son he may change his name when hes an adult.

Kendodd Wed 20-Mar-13 14:09:49

"but if you get married once and have DC with that person it's MUCH easier for the family to all have the same surname."

I married 17 years ago, both kept our own names, it has never, not one single time, ever been the slightest problem in any way. I imagine changing my (or DH's) name would have been loads of hassle, and ongoing hassle (admittedly not much) having to list previous names on forms.

Kendodd Wed 20-Mar-13 14:11:26

You wait until your son is an adult and can make his own decision instead of trying to change a name when he is arguably heavily influenced by you. He has a name and its his legal appellation. You tell your son he may change his name when hes an adult.

Agreed, don't mess with your child's name.

GreatUncleEddie Wed 20-Mar-13 14:13:37

It smacks of rewriting history, I think. His name is his name.

I have been with DP for 26 years, and not once in that time has anyone ever had a problem with me not having changed my name.

Kendodd Wed 20-Mar-13 14:23:33

but if you get married once and have DC with that person it's MUCH easier for the family to all have the same surname

Can you explain why you think it is easier to all have the same name? I'm not having a go, I just want to know if this is a common view and if this is putting women off keep their own names.

OBface Wed 20-Mar-13 14:27:38

YABU

This would destroy me if the shoe was on the other foot. Your DS's relationship with his dad shouldn't be downgraded because your relationship has ended.

OBface Wed 20-Mar-13 14:29:20

Oh and I have kept my maiden name since getting married. No problems here.

CockyFox Wed 20-Mar-13 14:39:35

One of my schoolfriends was adopted by her stepfather when we were 12, she changed her name to his, nearly 20 years later whenever we are talking about her she is referred to by her birthname. Nobody took a blind bit of notice, her mother and stepfather divorced and her mother married again. By this time we were adults so friend has first stepfather's surname and is reffered to by everyone by her original surname and is different to her younger siblings (who were children of stepfather one but adopted by stepfather 2).
I think once a child has been given a name that name is theirs not their mothers or fathers and it is irrelevant where it came from.
(she says a traditionalist who took hubby's name and gave it to her children)'

AThingInYourLife Wed 20-Mar-13 14:45:39

It would "destroy" you if your 7 year old kid wanted to share part of his name with his new siblings?

hmm

Get. A. Fucking. Grip.

AThingInYourLife Wed 20-Mar-13 14:49:16

"Your DS's relationship with his dad shouldn't be downgraded because your relationship has ended."

Oh FFS, how can people this childish be allowed to have children?

Nothing is being downgraded.

A child wants to upgrade his relationship with his mother and brothers.

But apparently he is to be told to go fuck himself because his Dad is too immature to care about what he wants.

50BalesOfHay Wed 20-Mar-13 14:49:42

I changed my name when I married. At the moment a woman's maiden name is usually her father's name so we don't have a tradition of womens' names (but I'd be all for starting one). I chose my DH and like him so I prefer to have his name

Kendodd, I think the idea that it would be easier for everyone in the family to have the same name is just part of the traditionalist's ideas that a woman should change her name, following the changes in law that meant a married woman was no longer actually owned by her husband.

As I said earlier, I've never had a problem with not having the same name as the DCs or DP, and I firmly believe that changing the name is an anglo-saxon thing.

AThing I totally agree with your comments, it's almost like the father owns the child as well as the name, isn't it?

poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 15:14:26

I think this all started when his brother started attending the same school as him - where surnames are more prominently used. his friends who have brothers/sisters in the same school share the same names and DS, although understanding why he has a different surname, wanted to have that link to his brother.

poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 15:17:21

He first mentioned it a year ago and still, brings it up now I'll often see him write his name how he wants it to be.

This is entirely from him not me, I couldn't care less what he's called, he's still my boy, but I hate to see him upset to spare his father's feelings.

valiumredhead Wed 20-Mar-13 15:19:59

Wrt it being easier when all members of the same family have the same name -in 12 years I have never found it an issue in any situation, in fact I can't think of a situation where it would be difficult. ( ds and I have different names because I wanted to keep my name after marriage )

poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 15:20:26

Fry one - that's the reason his Father gave for him not wanting him to change it; "because it's makes me think he's mine" to be precise hmm

aldiwhore Wed 20-Mar-13 15:22:30

Call me insane, but this is surely something that your son and his dad need to discuss?

Because ultimately (if you don't care either way) it's just about them, I would suggest that your son isn't too young to discuss this, but if his father says no, and his permission is required, there's not a lot you can do.

You then talk to your DS about loving him regardless, and that he will have to power to do what he wishes when he's older.

poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 15:25:49

aldi - he has spoken to his Dad about it but his response wasn't exactly inviting a conversation. DS is quite emotionally advanced and he's well aware of how strongly his Dad feels about it.

Once he made a 'spy card, and used my surname as as 'spy name' at his Dad's house, it didn't go down very well, let's just say.

poxyfoxy Wed 20-Mar-13 15:26:56

I think the fact that his Dad hasn't given him any reason makes it harder for DS to accept.

Thewhingingdefective Wed 20-Mar-13 15:32:51

When my brother in law married, his step daughter had a double barrelled surname made up of both her parents' names. She swapped the mum part of her surname for the new family surname (ie brother in law's surname) and kept dad's name to form the new double barrelled name. She wanted to keep her day's name but share the name of the family she lived with.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now