To Send DD on a School Trip

(187 Posts)
SooticaTheWitchesCat Wed 20-Mar-13 10:59:24

...even though my husband is refusing to let her go?

Our DD is nearly 9 and this year they are having a school residential trip for 2 nights to an activity centre. DD really wants to go as all her friends are going and I think it would be great for her too.

DH on the other hand says there is no way she is allowed to go, that she is just a baby and that she can't be away from us overnight.

I think he is being totally unreasonable, she isn't a baby and if she doesn't go not only will she miss out on a great experience but she will feel left out because all her friends are going.

We have argued and argued about it he wont budge in but I am now thinking of just paying the deposit and saying she can go anyway in the hope I can convince him later.

Would that be wrong? I know it will cause more arguments but she has been so upset at the thought of not being able to go.

DH is North African and he never went on residential trips when he was a child. He did think it strange when DS1 went away aged 8 (PGL) but he did accept that DS1 would be alright and that it wouldn't be good for him to be the only one who didn't go. Needless to say DS1 had a great time and talked about nothing else for days when he got back.

whiteflame Thu 21-Mar-13 18:28:00

YANBU.

How far away is the trip? In the interest of convincing your DH, if it is still some time away could you organise an overnighter with a relatives he trusts, and then progress to a night with a friend?

You've probably tried this, but how about explaining to him that "no nights away" might work fine in his birth culture, but in a culture where the whole class is going away it's not feasible. Is there something his culture does that British people generally don't (ideally something associated with rite of passage, but anything would do), that you could turn around to say "what if we lived in your birth country, and I decreed "no <insert> for DD because it is unnecessary""...

Lancelottie Fri 22-Mar-13 08:20:42

So... in two years she'll be at secondary.
So far for us that's involved:

a compulsory one-week residential for all of yr 7
a French exchange, not compulsory but recommended
three geography overnight field trips, two of which were compulsory for GCSE
a Tall Ships week (no, not necessary, but amazing!)
a canoe trip
London theatre with overnight for drama

Could also have opted for:

Duke of Edinburgh's Award camp-out
Wind Band tour abroad
German exchange...

I could go on. If she can't go to anything, even the field trips, she will really, really miss out, for no good reason.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 22-Mar-13 08:33:22

YANBU

Of course as her parent he has a say, but why is his opinion more important than yours? why does he get power of veto?

In an ideal world all decisions would be 50/50 but in reality that's just not always possible. I think if a stalemate is reached then the parent who does the majority of the caring should get the final say (in my case that would be my DH so I'm not being sexist) only because they are usually the ones who have to pick up the slack and organise things. I don't think they are the more important parent, I just think its the fairest way if no compromise can be reached

He shouldn't get to unilaterally decide about this especially if your dd wants to go and it's a 'normal' and I think important part of growing up, and especially because he doesn't even have a solid reason

Whatdoiknowanyway Fri 22-Mar-13 08:46:17

My DD is in her first year at university. One of her friends there has a flatmate in university accommodation whose mother came with her. And stayed. In a 3 person student flat. After about 6 weeks (no, I don't know why it took them so long) the other flatmates complained and the mother moved out to a nearby hotel. Where she is still.

The girl took revenge on the others reporting her mother's excessive stay by reporting them every time a boyfriend came for the weekend.

Some parents just can't let go and it does their children no favours.

lljkk Fri 22-Mar-13 09:39:22

She'll be living with mom and only mom for second year, then, I imagine!

mrsjay Fri 22-Mar-13 09:44:08

DH on the other hand says there is no way she is allowed to go, that she is just a baby and that she can't be away from us overnight.

He is an arse ( in the nicest possible way) she is 9 she is going to be going to high school very soon he is going to get a huge fright when his 'baby'becomes a teenager
, he cant deny her this it isn't fair on her there is no physical or financial reason she cant go he is doing it for her own silly reasons, of course you worry whent hey are away on things but he can't hold her back because he is scared, let her go tell him gently he is making her miss out for his own selfish reasons ,

RubyGates Fri 22-Mar-13 10:04:07

Are there cultural or religious reasons for his inflexibility?
If there are and he won't let her do this, might this be an indicator of things to come?
This is a coversation you need to have now.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Fri 22-Mar-13 10:41:45

That is what I am worried about and why I think I really need to make sure she does go on the trip. He has said he doesn't want her to do things he has never heard about before like brownies and dance classes but I have always managed to convince him it will be good for her and she does both things still. This time he is being really determined.

He was out last night so I never had a chance to talk but tonight I am going to say I will pay the deposit and that I want him to either come to the meeting if it is soon or come and talk with the headteacher because I don't think his reasons are good enough to just not let her go.

Wish me luck!

mrsjay Fri 22-Mar-13 10:47:49

Good luck he really needs to let her do things within reason

lljkk Fri 22-Mar-13 10:50:00

good luck smile.
Still itching to know what his cultural background is.
What do children do his country, do they nothing at all independently?

RubyGates Fri 22-Mar-13 10:53:04

Good luck! smile

SooticaTheWitchesCat Fri 22-Mar-13 18:06:28

lljkk - he is Turkish and I don't think children do anything away from home, not school trips anyway.

On a practical note, if she doesn't go what does he think will happen to her when the rest of the class and teaching staff are away?

lljkk Fri 22-Mar-13 18:34:43

I recall Turkish friends telling me how they were raised with guns & always went recreational shooting from a young age (under 10yo, no supervising adults).

Probably only the boys got that freedom, though.

LapsusLinguae Fri 22-Mar-13 19:18:17

sootica - can I just ask who out of you and your DH does more of the childcare? I assume you do. Therefore you are a better judge of whether this is suitable for her. Do you have access to your own money/ money that can be spent on anything? It really doesn't matter if he "won't budge". Tell him she is going. Then if he wants to he can contact the school. Is he often controlling?

Christelle2207 Fri 22-Mar-13 19:25:54

He is bvu. I remember very clearly going on a residential in London for 3 nights when I was nine. Loved it. Very important learning experience. I think perhaps convince him to sleep over at her friend's house first?

everlong Fri 22-Mar-13 19:33:12

He's being unfair but you already no that.

Ds is 6 and in year 2 and he's going on an overnight trip with school in May..as is the majority of his year.

What is he scared of?

pointythings Fri 22-Mar-13 20:15:00

I think you need to nail down whether this is a cultural issue or whether he is just unusually anxious. Ask him whether he would let your DD go if she were a DS. Make sure you get an honest answer.

If he says 'Yes' then you have a right to push your point - you are living and raising your DD in the UK, he is going to have to adapt.

If he says 'No' then he needs to seek help to deal with his excessive anxiety and smothering behaviour.

HildaOgden Fri 22-Mar-13 20:22:44

I think she should go,how you make that happen is tricky.

You could suggest that he books into a nearby hotel for the duration,so that he can be there in minutes if needed (what exactly does he think will happen?).I know it's pandering to his worries,but if that's what it takes on this occasion to get her there,then maybe he would be prepared to make that compromise?

bollywoodfan Fri 22-Mar-13 21:46:51

My parents are Indian and I was never allowed to stay anywhere overnight.
We moved house & area when I was 9 and my new school had a residential trip a few months after. I was the only one that didn't go. I had to sit with another year group for that week & it was miserable.
At secondary school there was a week trip to france in the 3rd year - so we were 13/14. All my friends were going. I begged and cried for weeks - but my parents wouldn't budge. They said it was because they would 'miss me'.
None of my friends really did sleepovers so that wasn't too much of an issue. But one time I was asked and of course I wasn't allowed. I then happened to mention later that her dad had been away for work at that time and my mum said 'oh if you had said that her dad wasn't there we would have let you!'. I remember being very shocked and appalled by that.
I still resent and remember these things and I have recently discussed it with my parents. They couldn't even remember these instances!
I will never do this to my children and will let them go on all the trips. Btw I was able to go on all day trips.
Please try and talk you dh around OP

quoteunquote Fri 22-Mar-13 22:11:19

Weird controlling and will rob your child of many an opportunity.

exoticfruits Fri 22-Mar-13 22:28:44

Tell him that all the rest are going and she will still have to go to school, does he really want her miserable with another class while they are all away?

Fallenangle Fri 22-Mar-13 22:30:14

He has chosen to live here rather than Turkey so he needs to come to terms, for DD's sake, with the fact that either his DD fits in or becomes isolated from her peers. At the risk of total geographical confusion when in Rome.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Fri 22-Mar-13 22:41:02

Well I spoke to him again tonight and he was still determined he was not going to allow her to go, still with the same reasons. I told him his excuses were completely unreasonable and that he at least needed to come to the meeting before making his mind up. He said no.

I then said if he wasn't prepared to find out all there was about the trip then I would make the decision and that I was going to pay the deposit.

Anyway we ended the argument with him saying "you send her then, fine". He obviously isn't fine about it and I am sure it isn't the end if the arguing but I will be paying the deposit and when it comes to the meeting I will be trying my hardest to get him to come along.

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