AIBU to have had enough?(25 Posts)
I'm a regular poster of whom has name changed due to having a few chums & family on here.
Anyway i will get to the point, I'm constantly inundated with guests at my house and I'm finding it too much and hardly having any time alone with my partner.
It started with having my mum round every evening due to my partner dropping her off at work, but she has started to get here earlier & earlier each day. She arrived before 5pm yesterday when she doesn't even leave until gone 9. She moans tirelessly about smelling of our cooking before work and is always making me massage her back or legs and if i don't do it im called selfish.
Not only do i have that but i always have my best friend turn up every single day without fail, no matter what the weather. At first this was just in the week but now its at weekends too. She stays from school drop off to school pick up and if I say im busy she just turns up later in the day instead. I do love my mum and friend very dearly but they are such easily offended type of people and although i try to deter them it never works or i get the cold shoulder and an angry talking to!
I feel stuck in a cycle i cannot stop aibu to have had enough of people being at my home. Even my dc are not having time alone with us anymore.
Please help how do i cut down their visits without being outright rude?
Was looking forward to decorating this weekend but my friend is turning up with all her kids to go to the park .
From 9 until 3, my friend is here and from 5 until 6 my mother is here and ive just about had enough. How can i politely say in busy, ive tried "im busy today" and they turn up regardless or continually phone !
Don't answer the door.
Get your dh to pick your mother up from hers.
Then enjoy the silence.
Or, get your mother to use a bus.
What's wrong with your best friend's own home ?
Say 'I'm busy' and then...
Don't answer the door for a week
Let the phone go to voicemail when it rings. Call back only if it suits you.
Are you a complete mug?
Is your dh a taxi driver?
Tell them not to call over as you're going out. Refuse to answer the doorbell during this day. (Resist temptation to answer if you're in - if it was important they would ring you first rather than just wander round!) If they ask what time you'll be back, say you're not sure, so best to leave it til another time. Build this up from a couple of times a week until they're ringing you to find out if you're available before popping round.
And yes, get your DH to pick your mother up at hers.
If you don't want to actually say something then you will have to be heading out the door to a 'friend's for coffee' when or before DF arrives and heading off to the supermarket when DM arrives, then she can help carry the shopping in.
Either you change what you do or you tell them what you really think.
What utterly strange behaviour from your friend and mother! Either they're extremely rude and childish or you're a complete pushover who nobody listens to. Either way you need to get a bit more assertive and just say "No, don't come over, at all, I have things to do," and don't answer the phone or the door.
What's the background to this? How have you got into the situation where at least two people feel they can treat your home as yours? Has it only just started to bother you? Or have you always hated it and only recently grown the backbone to admit you hate it?
Either stand up to them or put up with it.
Does your friend not have a job?
Does your Mum have circulation trouble with her legs?
Why are you having to massage them?
Unfortunately i do feel as though im now being treated as a mug. The thing is, particularly with my friend they are 'all or nothing' kind of people. If i was to try any of the above they will fall out with me for the foreseeable future.
My mum is lonely so i totally get it, its just her constant harassing me over my cooking and asking for the massage that grates me. Dh walks her to work as its dark, doesn't drive.
But my friend just doesn't seem to want to spend time at her own home and i do find it somewhat odd.
I love her, once, twice or even three times a week, but nearly everyday is too much.
I just need to right words to convey the right message to them both without them being offended.
The odd day that my friend doesn't come, she's normally at another friends house.
I just feel all consumed by them all, its got so much that im running out of sugar and baby wipes due her always being here.
I feel bad for the way im feeling but i cannot fathom what is so bad in her spending a little bit of time with her partner in her own home.
Its a fairly recent thing, the time in between visits has just shortened in the last month or so.
My friend doesn't work, she has young dc which come round too
They are going to be offended however nicely you request that they stop calling by every day.
Can you face the flak for a few weeks and wait for them to come round or are you going to be lost without them?
come round as in see your point of view.
I could try the above and see how it goes as i don't think i can stand much more tbh. With the constant presence im not getting anything done in my home either
Your friend is at yours to save herself money, no heating or electricity all day, do you feed her lunch too?
She's abusing your hospitality, I'd tell her first then deal with your Mum afterwards.
"i love you, but I do not want to see you every day. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings. That is not the intention"
They will be miffed/ hurt/ whatever, but you can't control that.
I'm starting to wonder that sugarice. I do hope that isn't the reason though!
I do occasionally make her lunch, but not very often, she brings food and heats it here. But very often she needs to borrow babywipes, she never thinks to bring her own and tbh im getting rather fed up of running out of wipes mid way through the week. She promises to buy me a packet but never does and the milk we are going through is now ridiculous.
Whenever we invite ourselves round hers it hardly ever actually materializes or they are at ours before we even take off. I feel bad but i cant see why she thinks this behaviour is acceptable.
Your mum is a different matter but this friend is seriously taking the piss. You are going to have to take a stand with her as it sounds like she has no boundaries at all. It may be sticky but what's the alternative? If you don't do it its going to get worse. Sit her down and say you love her to bits etc but you need some down time with your family. She may surprise you by developing a bit more respect for you, if she doesn't, screw her, frankly. Life is too short.
I would ring friend on Sunday and say that I am busy for most of next week but to call on Tues and Thurs. Do that every Sunday.
Or you could tell her that between her and your Mum constant calling you are getting no alone time with the dc's, no house work done etc.
Explain to your Mum that between 5 and 6 is hectic for you and could she call later
I'd much rather offend people than be stuck entertaining them in my home all day. How arrogant of the pair of them to assume their company so delightful that you would want to be tripping over them for hours every day
You should be brutally honest, tell them the truth and draw firm boundaries that are acceptable to you. If they choose to be offended by your refusal to no longer be at their beck and call, let them go torture someone else with their constant presence.
Are you running a free house for all?
No, of course not, and you are in danger of getting burnt out.
Nobody can deal with people, however much we love them, 24/7.
They usually have a hidden agenda anyway, either (in your mum's case) an emotional one, or in your friend's case, halving her monthly bills while doubling yours.
How utterly selfish of her to expect you to subsidise her lifestyle.
They are both manipulating you actually, especially if they get huffy if you bring up the subject.
Remember the saying "House guests, like fish, start to stink after 3 days".
What kind of message are you sending your kids? <Yes, we are a doormat!! And we always have to do what everyone else wants.>
What does your DP say about all this? This situation is not good for you as a family at all. What are you going to do when this situation starts to cut into your finances, as it seems to be doing already? (double baby wipes etc.).
Don't be a mug!
You need to grow a backbone and really develop your boundaries. Just sit them down and tell them in the most loving way you need
lots of some space!
They are abusing your kindness. No real friend would ever do this. Next time she comes tell her that you're busy cleaning today but that you'll pop round to see her the next day. There is no reason why she would have a problem with that if she comes round yours every day.
Speak to your mum. Be honest with her and help her to find some outside interests. Help her join a gym, do a language/ art whatever class. Go to the cinema with her etc. help her to see that there are other ways of appeasing her loneliness.
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