He dated other women in the first 6 months :( Is he a bastard or was he just making up his mind?

(72 Posts)
idontunderstandmen Sun 17-Mar-13 21:17:25

Hi everyone. So I am in a happy relationship, well fairly happy, I feel very in love and I feel he loves me, things are moving along nicely and we are considering moving in together. We have been together 1.5 years and we met on internet dating. However I have always had a bit of a suspicion that my boyfriend was seeing other women early on in our relationship, I checked his facebook last summer and saw messages which suggested that was the case. I confronted him and he said they were old exes, and friends of his ex and he hadnt been cheating on me. He apologised for flirting and deleted the person in particular he had been flirting with.

Just today I was on his laptop and thought I'd have a nose at his photos. I was surpised to see photos of lots of women from the internet, and internet conversations that he had photographed, arranging to meet up for drinks. When I looked at the dates I saw they were within the first 6 months of our relationship. I confronted him about this and he said that he hadnt felt sure of our relationship until we went on holiday together (at about 6 months in) and that he had been on some dates but not slept with any women. I feel very hurt because I was faithful to him after about a month of meeting him, I did go on a few dates after meeting him but was very honest to him about this. I feel he has lied to me when I confronted him first about this (he says he didnt tell me because "thats not what you tell people you go out with"). I understand that we werent in love at that time, we hadnt met each others families, but I still feel hurt and like he was disrespectful to me. He says that he hasnt seen any other women since that first holiday when he realised that he loved me and I do believe him. Am I a fool or is this normal male behaviour?

If it makes any difference, I am 29, had recently come out of a 6 year relationship when I first met him, he is 40 and had been single-ish for a few years (ie a couple of 6-1yr relationships but probably seeing loads of people at the same time). I was probably a bit naive of the real world, particularly the internet dating world

snuffaluffagus Wed 20-Mar-13 14:26:01

Personally I wouldn't be happy with that explanation.. if you're worried about a drunk girl you get them a taxi home or go in a taxi with them and drop them home.. ie, you get rid. You don't take them back to yours, especially if you think they're crazy.. and ESPECIALLY if you have a girlfriend.

But as you say, it's the lies that would stick in the craw the most. Only you can know if you can trust him and get over this. Maybe postponing the house viewing isn't such a bad idea, if only temporarily.

"Im worried now that I wont be able to trust him again because I had confronted him about this before, after we had been together nearly a year, and he had lied then."
Sorry, but I really think he cannot be trusted. He lies well, and he lies without compunction. He will lie to you again, as and when it suits him to do so. sad

"He wants to go house viewing this weekend. Im scared that if I say Im not ready for it there will be no going back"
I think that househunting now would be a big mistake. It smacks to me of trying to back you into a corner, get you into a position that it would be harder to change. Right now, you could choose to back off a little, take a break etc, see if he can change (although I don't think he can - he's lived this way too long IMO). But once you're living together the upheaval of splitting would be enormous and there would be no possibility of temporary cooling etc. Maybe it would be best to just tread water for a bit - not jump into living together, not get out of the water completely. Just take your time and let all this sink in for a bit, sit back a little and see what your situation actually is. That way you can make your decisions without any other pressures on you (neither the pressure of moving in with someone you don't trust right now, nor the pressure of missing him and feeling that means you must have made a mistake).

"I dont really know if I should or how to punish him for being dishonest or if I should walk away temporarily or completely because if I dont he will think its fine to behave like that, and also because I couldnt settle down with someone I dont trust sad."
Whatever you decide to do, it should not be about punishing him but about protecting you. Your happiness, your wellbeing, your future. TBH, I think the fact that this relationship started shortly after the end of your previous 6-year relationship is significant. Sorry, but you may have been on the rebound, and for him to have reached 40 without any major relationships pings my radar a bit.

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 20-Mar-13 16:46:42

You haven't moved in together, you haven't invested too much time in the relationship, move on while you can.

AmberSocks Wed 20-Mar-13 16:51:00

I dont think its ok,he sounds like a bit of a nob and you sound like you dont trust him.ltb.

He's a lying shit and deep down you know it, don't you? sad Get out now. You deserve better.

RevoltingPeasant Wed 20-Mar-13 18:20:46

OP only read the first thread, but......

I met DH on an online dating site. From the time we agreed to meet up, I 'froze' other potential dates. I waited to see what would happen with this one before seeing other people.

To me, this is basic honesty. If you like someone well enough to consider being in a LTR with them, then you like them well enough to lay off sex with OW for a few weeks whilst you decide for sure.

I realise others will feel differently but it sounds as though you look at things the same way, so, regardless of whether it is cheating/ he lied/ whatever - fundamentally you have different values and that will never work.

You are young. Don't wait till you are 35, desperate to have DC, feel that this man is your only chance, and realise he is cheating on you. Get out, I think.

roastednut Wed 20-Mar-13 18:40:19

I agree with what revolting peasant says, you are young and should get out now. You say you love him, but without trust that isn't enough imho.

RevoltingPeasant Wed 20-Mar-13 18:49:55

OP really, I am normally not one to say LTB, but trust me, stuff looks different this side of 30.

If you want DC then you have a limited window and building up a relationship to the point where DC are feasible takes time. If you 'invest' time in him and then can't trust him/ he's cheating/ whatever in 3-4 years, you will be in a situation the clock is ticking for you to find another relationship.

DH always says how when we were finding each other online, there were loads of women around 34/5/6 desperately looking for a LTR before their fertility ran out sad

It's your decision in the end, but based on what you have said here, I would cut my losses and look for someone else. I'm sorry.

Birthdaychocolate Wed 20-Mar-13 19:01:00

LTB

Emilythornesbff Wed 20-Mar-13 19:26:04

idontunderstandmen he may not be a bastard but I think the behaviour you've described indicates he is dishonest and manulative. These are troublesome traits in a DP and he won't change for the better.
Is he generally honest? Or do you find he tells fibs/ makes excuses to other people about things?

If you were my little sister i think I'd be happier if you were not with this man.
Sorry.

appletarts Wed 20-Mar-13 19:34:35

Leave him, he's a player and he'll always do this to you and you will never trust him again. He sounds EXACTLY like an ex of mine, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if it were him, surname doesn't start with J does it?

anonymosity Wed 20-Mar-13 19:47:04

Its going to come down to how you feel about him. But I would say this, if he is 40 or so and has never had a fully committed long term relationship beyond these 12 month things, then that's simply the way he is. He could move in with you but the tempo is set in him, that's what he does. Personally that wouldn't be good enough for me and I think as you've expressed unease - its probably not good enough for you, either.

idontunderstandmen Sat 23-Mar-13 14:02:15

Ha no his surname doesnt begin with J!! LOL

Well I have told him I need some time to think about things. I have cancelled the house viewings today and drinks with his work friends last night. Perhaps he can have a chance to reflect on what he's done wrong.

I do miss him terribly and want to just quickly forgive him and forget this. He has told me he was a crap boyfriend for 6 months but then a great boyfriend for a year, which is fairly true. He has had a 7 year relationship but it was very casual (they only saw each other 1-2 times a week), and she broke his heart, so perhaps some of this is to do with him protecting himself at the beginning of the relationship and then lying to cover it up.

I want to hope that he wont lie to me anymore over important things. I think we need this break for him to consider and realise what he did. I am hopeful he could change...but I dont know. He has lied to me previously on a few things (like his age, which he neglected to be truthful about at the start and then didnt tell me for a year...I thought he was 8 years older not 11, not that it makes a massive difference but still annoying). I guess I have to give him a chance, and I certainly wont be moving in right now

"He has had a 7 year relationship but it was very casual (they only saw each other 1-2 times a week), and she broke his heart, so perhaps some of this is to do with him protecting himself at the beginning of the relationship and then lying to cover it up."
Is that what he said?
<feels even more cynical about this person>

ImperialBlether Sat 23-Mar-13 14:22:04

OP, without realising it, you've been involved with a twat. You do realise it now, so end it and find someone nice.

It's as simple as that. You can't trust him.

Mia4 Sat 23-Mar-13 14:42:49

YANBU. Some people do multi-date for the first few months nowadays, especially when there's big gaps between meet ups-however this should be agreed and understood, not done slyly and underhand. He should have been upfront and honest so that you a) knew and b) could decided if you wanted to do the same.

The fact that he lied to you about seeing other people says it all-he wasn't that invested or interested- he was behaving like a player and being dishonest.

He may be in love with you now but how long before he decides that there's something else 'you don't need to know'. Something that suits him to lie about?

RevoltingPeasant Sat 23-Mar-13 14:47:13

Wait, he lied about his age as well?!

OP, I know this is painful, but please get out. This is not a good situation.

There are honest, decent chaps out there. Find one!

YouTheCat Sat 23-Mar-13 14:51:42

He tells an awful lot of lies.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 23-Mar-13 15:57:28

We don't know him OP but just going by what you tell us he doesn't sound like a very open, honest person. Cancelling drinks and house viewings this weekend is a good start but imo if you are hoping this is enough to make him 'reflect' and regret what he's done, I wouldn't hold my breath. Frankly I'd be weighing up my future with him very carefully.

LittleChickpea Sat 23-Mar-13 16:13:38

I have not been in your position so difficult  to understand or put myself in your position.  A very close friend met her now fiancée on an Internet dating site.  He too had never been in a long term relationship until meeting her (she is now 35 and is 42).  They have been together 3 years with an 8 month split.  Reason for their split was because he was flirting with other women on line and generally still behaving like a single guy even though they were in a relationship.  From what she says, he was vey immature when it came to relationships because he had never had a serious relationship prior to her.  His longest relationship was 8 months.  He was a bachelor.   However when they split he says he realised what he lost and made a decision that he loved her and worked hard to win her back.  From what i see and what she says since they got back together he has been completely different and they are now engaged due to marry in December.  From what she say Internet dating and stating a relationship via an Internet site isn't always based on the same rules.  She did a lot of internet dating.  But I don't know because I have never been in that situation.

I can understand your anger and issue with trust but maybe he is telling the truth and the first 6 months were simply dates to him and maybe he didn't start viewing your relationship as serious till your holiday.  People are different.  

Its clear you have never trusted him because this is the second time you checked up on him. Were you really looking at his pictures (you could have done this via your account) or were you looking to see if you could catch him out?  

One thing is always true. If there is no trust in a relationship then it's unlikely that relationship will stand the test of time.  Either one partner ends it due to trust issues or the other partner ends it because they are constantly under scrutiny due to tust issues.  Not saying what he did was right but the question is; do you want to be in a relationship with him? If you do then you may need to trust what he says, bury the first 6 months and move on.  If not, then end it now.  Why would you want to be in a untrusting relationship? 

Plumsofgold Sat 23-Mar-13 16:23:44

Hmmm so it was ok for you to do it for a month but because he did it for 6 months its not ok? I think both if you are abit odd. Maybe you should of had the chat about being together properly and not dating others?

Oh and he lied about us age? For a year? What else has he lied about???

anonymosity Sat 23-Mar-13 16:41:11

I do believe people who want to make changes in their own lives, can do it. But I am less convinced those of us expecting changes will see them. sorry not to be more positive.

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