He dated other women in the first 6 months :( Is he a bastard or was he just making up his mind?

(72 Posts)
idontunderstandmen Sun 17-Mar-13 21:17:25

Hi everyone. So I am in a happy relationship, well fairly happy, I feel very in love and I feel he loves me, things are moving along nicely and we are considering moving in together. We have been together 1.5 years and we met on internet dating. However I have always had a bit of a suspicion that my boyfriend was seeing other women early on in our relationship, I checked his facebook last summer and saw messages which suggested that was the case. I confronted him and he said they were old exes, and friends of his ex and he hadnt been cheating on me. He apologised for flirting and deleted the person in particular he had been flirting with.

Just today I was on his laptop and thought I'd have a nose at his photos. I was surpised to see photos of lots of women from the internet, and internet conversations that he had photographed, arranging to meet up for drinks. When I looked at the dates I saw they were within the first 6 months of our relationship. I confronted him about this and he said that he hadnt felt sure of our relationship until we went on holiday together (at about 6 months in) and that he had been on some dates but not slept with any women. I feel very hurt because I was faithful to him after about a month of meeting him, I did go on a few dates after meeting him but was very honest to him about this. I feel he has lied to me when I confronted him first about this (he says he didnt tell me because "thats not what you tell people you go out with"). I understand that we werent in love at that time, we hadnt met each others families, but I still feel hurt and like he was disrespectful to me. He says that he hasnt seen any other women since that first holiday when he realised that he loved me and I do believe him. Am I a fool or is this normal male behaviour?

If it makes any difference, I am 29, had recently come out of a 6 year relationship when I first met him, he is 40 and had been single-ish for a few years (ie a couple of 6-1yr relationships but probably seeing loads of people at the same time). I was probably a bit naive of the real world, particularly the internet dating world

AlistairSim Sun 17-Mar-13 21:21:09

He lied to you.
He sounds like a player.

He's an arse.

Hassled Sun 17-Mar-13 21:21:57

This might seem a bit ridiculous but to me the sticking point would be at what point you first had sex. If it were the case that you slept together at say 3 months and then he dated someone else at 4 months - yes, that would be a problem to me. If you hadn't slept together - less of an issue/probably a non-issue if you're otherwise happy.

But - no one just thinks they'll have a nose at someone's photos. Not really. You don't trust him - is that you or him?

You've checked his facebook... You just thought you'd have a nose at his photos... You don't trust him, do you? And with good reason too.

NumericalMum Sun 17-Mar-13 21:26:47

You don't trust him so I would say you are wasting your time!

parakeet Sun 17-Mar-13 21:27:52

This is not normal male behaviour - this is called being unfaithful. LTB. Sorry.

zwischenzug Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:08

Believe it or not some men respect women they are dating in the first 6 months and don't go having it away with other women behind their backs. I wouldn't trust him.

idontunderstandmen Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:08

We slept together after a few weeks. Yes I looked because I had a niggling feeling. I felt he had lied to me about not dating other people after we met (it was indicated in the conversations that I had seen he had had on facebook), and it turns out that I was right.

He seems to think it was fine, he didnt think the relationship was that serious then but once he realised it was he stopped. It is a problem, but I love him and I trust him now. But I still feel betrayed sad

seriouscakeeater Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:09

Get rid, what an ass hole. It's only normal behavior for players.

AThingInYourLife Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:22

He's a liar.

Now you know you can't trust him.

Why wasn't he just honest that your relationship wasn't exclusive?

Because it suited him for you to think and act like it was.

Bin him.

StuntGirl Sun 17-Mar-13 21:29:33

Not normal. Well, normal for an unfaithful twat I suppose.

NewAtThisMalarky Sun 17-Mar-13 21:32:33

How serious was the relationship in those first few months? Did you havd a conversation about being exclusive, or did you just assume?

You were faithful to him after about a month - did you tell him that?

It sounds like the problem might not be about faithfulness, but lack of communication and making assumptions - but I could be wrong.

wellthatsdoneit Sun 17-Mar-13 21:35:18

It isn't the fact that he did it, but that he was not honest with you about it which is a red flag for me. I would get rid now before you get in any further.

idontunderstandmen Sun 17-Mar-13 21:39:56

He says to me that I had decided that the relationship was going to be serious a long time before he did, and that it takes him time to get to know and be sure about someone. It was not that serious, we saw each other once or twice a week. In my head it was quite serious, I asked him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and he had said yes that was how he saw me, fairly early on (maybe after 6 weeks?). I can see that I was naive and assumed he would be faithful to me even though I hardly knew him. I had just come out of a long serious relationship and wanted the same immediately but with someone else (with the problems of the last relationship fixed!). I had felt I made more of the effort back in those days and was maybe a bit intense (buying him a xmas present, he didnt get me one, etc). I put him as in a relationship on facebook, and yet he was still dating other women up to 2 months after this!!

He says I was naive to the real world. All his friends have played around in the first few months of their current girlfriends. Im just suprised that it was for 6 months that he did this

RobinOgg Sun 17-Mar-13 21:42:27

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

wellthatsdoneit Sun 17-Mar-13 21:44:07

Girlfriend-boyfriend suggests monogomy to me. Sorry, I think he was deliberately keeping the truth from you then, and he is trying to invalidate your feelings about it now.

ErikNorseman Sun 17-Mar-13 21:45:28

Not normal to carry on dating for 6 months, and not ok to lie about it either. How can you trust him again?

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Mar-13 21:46:47

Did you agree your relationship was mutually exclusive?

Using your own posts you were also dating other men for a month after meeting him and you were sleeping with him after a few weeks. I detect a cross over there of you sleeping with your partner and seeing other men.

roastednut Sun 17-Mar-13 21:49:49

I think if it were a couple of weeks then that would be acceptable to me, to some extent. With internet dating I do think that there is more sussing out required as you don't have the usual validation that you get with other ways of meeting eg. A work colleague, mutual friends etc.. 6 months no way. If you thought it was a proper relationship then he basically cheated on you for 6 months.

FriedSprout Sun 17-Mar-13 21:54:57

So he could not even remain exclusive for the time it took to be sure you were 'the one'?

It would strike me that he was keeping his options open too I'm afraid.

If he seriously thinks this is the correct/right way to behave then he wouldn't be my choice of life long partner. Regardless of what is the modern norm or what his friends do.

Tell him to take a hike, am sure you deserve someone who can remain faithful whilst finding out what you both feel for each other.

AThingInYourLife Sun 17-Mar-13 21:56:42

"He says to me that I had decided that the relationship was going to be serious a long time before he did"

Right. But he was happy to deceive you about his feelings so you'd sleep with him.

He is not a nice man. He lies to get what he wants.

brainonastick Sun 17-Mar-13 21:58:13

He had the opportunity to come clean last summer and he didn't, he only told you the 'truth' after you found more evidence. And I have an inkling he has only told you the level of 'truth' he can get away with. There is probably more, he sounds like the type. You don't trust him, you are right not to trust him, there isn't really any future here if you have an ounce of self-respect is there? I'm sorry.

You are young, you can do better, and time is on your side.

TheNebulousBoojum Sun 17-Mar-13 22:12:39

I've had friends that have dated concurrently and consecutively and all sorts of combinations. The difference is that they were all up front about it, and their partners made a choice.
He was dishonest. That would bother me.
But the real questions are what is your relationship like now, do you want to stay in it and will you trust him in the future? And only you have the answers.

HildaOgden Sun 17-Mar-13 23:20:35

If you were happy with this,you wouldn't be asking our opinion.

It's as simple as that.

"I love him and I trust him now."
No, you really DON'T trust him, or you wouldn't have gone looking. It would just not have occurred to you. And you have reason not to trust him; he lied to you, and when he had an opportunity to make a clean breast of it, he stuck to his lies. That would be a real sticking point for me, because I would always have in the back of my mind, "what have I not found out about yet?".

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