I want one more baby, DH doesn't, AIBU to be furious?

(99 Posts)
YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 16:38:59

I wouldn't leave him over it, but bloody hell, how unfair. Why does he get the final say? AIBU to be very pissed off?

scottishmummy Mon 18-Mar-13 20:39:02

Just as a woman has right to control fertility and family size,so does male
no man can compel partner to have another child just because he want one
Equally no woman can compel her partner to have another child just because she want one

Bunbaker Mon 18-Mar-13 20:06:06

"To me the bigger issue isn't that you disagree, but the fact that he won't even communicate and explain why."

He says no because they are older, slightly more independent, he frets about space and doesn't want to potentially upset the status quo. He finds them quite stressful at times (as do I, occasionally!), and feels 3 would be a tipping point from fairly stressful at times to outright chaos.

But he has - he said this ^^. All of which are reasonable and valid reasons for not wanting more children.

CoffeeChocolateWine Mon 18-Mar-13 13:25:43

What are you "furious"about? Are you furious that he doesn't want another or are you furious that he won't discuss it. If it's the latter then YANBU. If it is something that is really important to you then you need to discuss it. He has every right not to want another, but to point blank not even talk about it is mean and very dismissive of your feelings. Not what a marriage is about.

Did you plan to have 2 and now you want another? Or did you plan to have 3 and he's changed his mind?

But I think it would be more unreasonable for you to force him to have another child he doesn't want, than for him to say he doesn't want a third.

itshothere Mon 18-Mar-13 13:15:37

I understand your feelings op. Many years ago we went through the same thing. I never got the third child I wanted. I've learned to accept it and his reasons for not wanting a third. That's not to say that there are times even now, that I still think it would have been nice. Tbh looking back it would have been to purely satisfy my longing because my dc's have never expressed a desire to have had more siblings. Nor has my dh ever expressed any regret over his decision.

Just thinking another aspect could be the way men tend to communicate. Bit of a generalisation but generally women are often prepared to spend more time talking around an issue and looking at different aspects. Whereas other people, including many men, just have more of a gut feeling about things, or have already made a decision based on a few facts and feelings. To some people there seems little to talk about.
So, one thing you could do, like you are doing here actually, is to talk it all through more slowly and carefully with other people, such as maybe a counsellor ? HTH

LowFlyingKites Mon 18-Mar-13 10:40:24

I can understand why you're annoyed, as from the sound of it he talked you into having kids originally, but the fact your saying he's now "shutting you down" and won't even talk about it sounds very one sided. You have listened to him (and actually gone through with what he wanted after not originally wanting children) so he should have the respect to at least listen and talk about it.

On the topic of actually having one. Give it a year or 2, and see how you both feel then. He might change his mind, and equally you might.
To me the bigger issue isn't that you disagree, but the fact that he won't even communicate and explain why. You're just expected to go with whatever he wants before and now, so no, YANBU.
But yabu to be furious about not being able to have another one. Upset, fine, but not furious

ChompieMum Mon 18-Mar-13 07:22:30

Poor you OP. I really feel for you. It is SO tough to accept you can't have another child, whatever the reason for that is.

But I'm afraid that unless your DH changes his mind then that is what you have to do. I understand your feelings towards DH about this. I don't think YABU but neither is he. Either decision could end your marriage if the other cant accept it. But if you love your DH you need to try to find a way to accept it and not to resent your DH for it. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I hope you can find peace with this. Am sure the hurt will fade, like all hurt does and hopefully you will still have your two wonderful children and DH.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Mon 18-Mar-13 07:03:12

YABU. If you have a baby then surely it would be something you both want. If you were to ttc when he doesn't want another baby then that's not very good is it?

If you fell pregnant by accident then obviously it would be you getting the final say.

Bunbaker Mon 18-Mar-13 06:50:31

" Maybe you don't feel that he's taken on board really how strongly you feel about this?"

You could turn this around and say that maybe The OP's husband doesn't feel that she's taken on board how strongly he feels about it.

And please don't try the accidental pregnancy route.

iloveholidays Sun 17-Mar-13 23:57:33

Phosphene. Each to their own. I have 3 DCs and irresponsible hasn't been a word that people have described me as far as I'm aware! I actually think its quite insulting. Your reasons would be valid if you only had one child so think they're a odd. I also think its sad to live your life based on 'what ifs' but its your opinion.

Hopefully my 3 DCs don't think their mum and dad are irresponsible because they have siblings!!!!

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 23:29:04

I can understand his reluctance, You, and he may not be willing to come around or discuss.

You must understand how this feels for him, though. This is such a scary time, and really, really scary. It is entirely possible we will go into depression. And the rental market, have you seen what that is like? There are threads on here, from people with two good jobs, references spanning back a decade, looking at 'No children', and it is a landlord's market as more and more people become unable to afford to buy, and no one is immune from notice. Things will only get worse, too.

Unfortunately, it's not as simple as have another baby, all is fine. Sometimes it is not all fine, and even when it is, it is very expensive if you both have to work FT and face childcare costs. Any responsible person must consider this, in these times. 'coud afford' means something so much different now.

Even 5 years ago, I'd have said to go for it, but now, no way. In our dreams, we'd have perhaps looked at having another child ourselves, but we must be real and honestly look at what is best for the two we have now: and that is to not have another due to finances and the economy. To do so otherwise would be to potentially expose all of them to things that can be avoided and that they don't deserve.

anonymosity Sun 17-Mar-13 23:11:25

BearFrills that's a really thoughtful post. I hope OP gets a chance to read it through and think about that.

WillowinGloves Sun 17-Mar-13 23:03:00

OP, I'm wondering if you just don't feel listened to by your DH? Maybe you don't feel that he's taken on board really how strongly you feel about this? Everyone is right in saying that this is a decision where there is no compromise answer and for that reason, I think it's really important that you can feel he understands your emotions and really appreciates them, or you'll go on feeling furious, even if (hopefully when) you come to terms with not having the third dc you want. Can you talk it over again with him from that angle? I do feel for you. The yearning for a baby is terribly strong, even if it's your third!

BearFrills Sun 17-Mar-13 22:46:03

How old are your DCs? Sorry if it's already been mentioned, I couldn't see their ages anywhere though.

We have two and had always talked about having three but we had difficulty conceiving initially then an early mc with our first, followed by DS, followed by a late mc, followed by DD. They're now 3yo and 18mo.

When DD turned one last year I mooted having that number three we talked about, not necessarily there and then but just a discussion about it and to my utter dismay DH said no. He didn't want to try for number three, didn't want a number three and was instead happy to devote himself to the two we do have.

At first he refused to discuss it until one night after we put the DCs to bed I asked him to explain his decision to me. There were tears, more than a few recriminations, I said he was being unfair,he said I was being unfair, and for the first time ever we had a serious talk about splitting up. It was only a thirty second talk, as soon as the question was asked we each said we didn't want to split up - he didn't want our marriage to end over it and I don't/didn't want just a child I wanted his child so going off and having a child with someone else would defeat the object.

For two hours we went back and forth over it and in the end we decided to leave it alone for three months and discuss it again after Christmas when we'd both had time to think it over and consider the others viewpoint. I knew inside that if he came back and still said no I'd have to live with it and that actually I could be happy. I love my children very much and I'm thankful for them so I could take comfort in that at least.

A few weeks later, one night in bed, DH whispered to me that he did want a third but he was scared. He's seen me at my most broken, crying over babies we couldn't seem to manage to conceive and then crying over babies we lost. He's been broken too by those same things and he told me he's felt guilty about it for years because in his mind he did that to me, he put me through that heartache. He was sorry for the pain I had delivering DS and the EMCS I had with DD. He had all sorts of irrational worries about me dying in childbirth or us miscarrying again or having unexplained infertility again. We had ourselves a talk of a very different kind and I realised he'd been keeping these worries to himself for years.

He also told me that DS and DD are so very young and this was another reason behind his decision not to have another. We're now at a place where we're going to start TTC in the summer once I'm settled at my new job, by the time we conceive and deliver DS will be in full time school and DD will be at nursery half days, an altogether more manageable prospect than three under fives at home all day long.

Talk to him, find out what he's feeling. Don't go in there all guns blazing, livid about his decision - YABU to react that way - but do tell him how it's making you feel. Ultimately you can't have half a child, this isn't an issue you can compromise on so it's all or nothing. You may need to ask yourself which you want more, him or a third child? If the answer is him then you need to abide by his decision and make your peace with it. If the answer is a third child then you need to end your marriage.

fluffypillow Sun 17-Mar-13 22:40:32

I really feel for you OP I know how hard it is when you are desperate for a third child.

I have 3 dc's. Number 3 came along after an 8 year gap, and I know I would have always felt sad if I hadn't had another baby.

I hope things work out for you. Does your DH know how serious you are about this? and how much it really means to you? Could you sit him down, and try to get it across to him?

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 22:16:11

Yes expat, he is the sole earner. His job is reasonably stable, he works for a company (hope I haven't jinxed anything there). We rent.

Phosphene Sun 17-Mar-13 20:58:39

iloveholidays

It is my opinion. I have many reasons for it and I would love to go into details if I had the time.

Job security isn't the same as for example many years ago, Englandis overpopulated. What if your partner or you lose your job? What happens when you have one very gifted child that would benefit from something that would use up your financial resources or all your time that you otherwise need for your other 2-3 children. I might go into detail later but it's Sunday night, I am tired and need to to x many other things before falling tired to bed at midnight.

Crawling Sun 17-Mar-13 20:17:02

oops sorry expatin im on the wrong thread grin

Crawling Sun 17-Mar-13 20:16:15

expatin wrong thread?

expatinscotland Sun 17-Mar-13 20:14:57

Is he the higher earner? Does he have good job stability - not self-employed, for example? Do you have a high mortgage or are a renter? Because in a country heading for a triple-dip recession, there are serious concerns.

Crawling Sun 17-Mar-13 19:27:53

Op I really feel for you, its hard when you want more and someone sais no. It does feel like they get the final say because I doubt many people break up a happy relationship to have another baby. Also if you said you were going to end the relationship you would be forcing him to change his mind. So yes effectivly he is getting the final say.

Floggingmolly Sun 17-Mar-13 19:16:07

If we had another, our marriage would not struggle. Even though he's totally against the idea? You need to start looking outward a bit, you're completely blinkered by how you think it should be.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 17-Mar-13 19:15:58

If he knows how you feel, then he has listened. Unfortunately he feels different.

scottishmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 19:13:43

Don't stay in huff,kss the kids,kiss the dh,and accept this is a deep disappointment
You can control how you feel,can control how you behave to your dh
You say you're solvent apart from this marriage good. So chins up.don't dwell

YouBastard Sun 17-Mar-13 19:11:59

Scottishmummy - it might not be reasonable to be furious, but fury is a human response to a whole host of situations, some understandable, some not. If someone is in complete control of their emotions, whatever they are, at all times...then I think they may be androids!

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