AIB xenophobic or is she BU?

(78 Posts)
Sixparrotspullingupcarrots Sun 17-Mar-13 13:38:10

My friend is not from the UK, but from anther English speaking country. Her DH is British. They have a child who was born here. She's always going on about how great her country is, how she can't wait to move back there, how rubbish the UK is, how she could never bear to have another child here because the NHS is so bad etc etc.

Her DH is looking for jobs in her country. Although she keeps moaning about how the jobs he's applying for are in the wrong part of her country. He works in a very limited field so I think anything he can find would be good, if they are so desperate to go back.

They are currently back in her country visiting friends and family. Today she emailed me and a few of our other friends a video of the baby food aisle of a supermarket saying 'There's so much more choice here!'.

AIBU to tell her stop going on and on about how great her country is? She chose to move here. And now there are opportunities to go home, why is she moaning about them?

I know this post sounds a bit xenophobic, but I don't mean to be. I just find the constant comparisons of the UK and her home very negative and frankly rude.

Moominsarehippos Tue 19-Mar-13 14:07:39

I find it annoying when one parent bleats on about how awful the culture, weather, people... are in the country of the other parent. So mums country is perfect and dad is just all crap? Pretty disrespectful until the kid gets to an age when they can say 'actually mum, I'm half British, so you are insulting me too'.

Moominsarehippos Tue 19-Mar-13 14:05:06

But some people are just whingers! Always looking for something to complain about.

Send her to Wholefoods for her US-shopping fix. The NHS may be mixed but I've seen my sisters healthcare and dental bills in the US and they are eye-watering! And their bread is crap...

fedupofnamechanging Tue 19-Mar-13 13:30:45

Most countries have good things and not so good things about them and it's natural to miss home (wherever home may be). But it's rude to move to another country and then slag it off.

I take the view that no one is compelled to live here, so if they are not happy, then they are free to bugger off back home and it's not xenophobic to say so.

Moominsarehippos Tue 19-Mar-13 12:46:51

And lots of lovely soft fruit and berries. A million types of cereal isn't of interest to me but I would kill for a sweet-smelling punnet of scottish raspberries.

My friend who went 'home' says that she misses Sainsburys and Waitrose most of all (where she is the main hypermarkets are all out of towners, and the local stores are tiddly corner-store type affairs). She can't get a 'proper' range of 'ehtnic' food either that is available in London (eg hummous). However, when I visit I could cry at the sight of all the lovely fruit, veg and salads (and the rediculously low prices of these compared to the UK). I still see mamas with baskets full of Dr Oetker pizzas and Pepsi though!

Coffeenowplease Mon 18-Mar-13 18:31:32

Ive actually found British supermarkets to have more choice in the stuff thats not crap food like burgers, pizza, sugary cereals,cakes but actual food like cuts of meat/types of meat/breads/fruit and veg (which admittedly we do import a lot of) and that kind of thing than anywhere else ive been.

Singapore is close though. Wasnt impressed with the US supermarkets , was all canned drinks,sweets and chocolate with hardly any choice of actual food.

Coffeenowplease Mon 18-Mar-13 18:21:26

Is she from the US by any chance ?

SolomanDaisy Mon 18-Mar-13 17:53:40

Ah, you really have to try and keep moaning to other expats, though it's difficult when people ask directly. I usually say, 'I like the life here, but I miss home'. Is she quite young? I was only 19 the first time I live abroad and was probably tactless about the problems I was having adjusting. I think after you have lived in a few places, you realise that the reason home is better is that it's home, not that it has anything actually superior about it.

Feminine Mon 18-Mar-13 17:42:23

Yes, I agree your friend sounds h/sick.

I had it a bit when I moved to the US.

I missed the UK so much. I have now discovered I miss the US now -masses.

Curse of the ex-pat!

digerd Mon 18-Mar-13 17:17:38

The German Health Care system is amazing. The only things I missed were, apart from cadburys chocs, my family and the SE English climate, as we lived in Northern German which had the record for the most days of rain, least hours of sunshine in the summer, and apart from the east of germany, the longest winter and shortest summer.

Don't forget about the Australians calling UK immigrants 'whinging poms '.as they never stopped whinging about everything.

kawliga Mon 18-Mar-13 16:20:30

Fair enough preposterous since I don't know which country you're talking about so maybe this is irrelevant to your situation, but no decent free education and no free healthcare suggests no welfare state, which suggests the country isn't as wealthy as the UK. I think countries have to be more or less viewed as equally wealthy for the criticism to go both ways, or people from the poorer country feel as if it's unfair.

Weissdorn Mon 18-Mar-13 08:16:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moominsarehippos Mon 18-Mar-13 08:12:20

People will compare, but if only negatively then its a pain!

lljkk Mon 18-Mar-13 07:52:11

I miss good Mexican food. The stuff that gets labeled Mexican food here is laughable.

And brown people: where i live now we don't have nearly enough brown people.

Putting margarine on every single sandwich. No matter what the other toppings are. WTF is that about? confused

but I don't miss... drive-by shootings, helicopters hovering over the house most evenings, annual wildfires, no paid holidays, meth-houses on the corner (I lived mostly in quite DesRes neighbourhoods, too), polarised politics, the food culture, my crazy family, pedestrian-hostile landscapes.

digerd Mon 18-Mar-13 07:46:41

Oh and their best Strawberry jam and rolls for breakfast- even hungrier.

digerd Mon 18-Mar-13 07:45:16

weissdorn
Cadburys chocolate, I meant, although I loved the Mon Cherie with the cherry liqueur inside, mmmmm.
Not into sausages, only one I liked was the fried schincken Wurst.

I miss their butter, Kasseler, Green cabbage /Kohl, whipping cream, Hansa potatoes, all their tasty meat and the half poulet and french fries - all so tasty.
Curry ketchup.
My fried potatoes done in their Mondamin fat - scrumptious and now getting hungry !!

cleofatra Mon 18-Mar-13 07:24:50

I think you are being a little harsh, as this is a classic sign of not coping in a foreign land. Some people spend the first year or so appearing negative and making comparisons. For some people, the only way to understand their new surroundings is to compare and equate. It's like a little struggle within the soul. Things at home were so easy, you know where everything is and you have familiar things

Yes, its annoying, but Ive seen it so many times. She is lonely and isnt coping.

I've been there, as an immigrant, and see it so clearly in others in those first few years.

If you like this girl, I'd stick with it until she is settled.

Weissdorn Mon 18-Mar-13 07:18:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

digerd Mon 18-Mar-13 07:06:34

Weissdorn
And the german FOOD. When I went to live there I was homesick for UK, but when I came back to UK I was homesick for Germany - except for their long hard winters. Never was into biscuits - missed our chocolate though.

Preposteroushypothesis Mon 18-Mar-13 06:51:44

Yes kawliga, i understand that, except DP's country isn't a third world country it just doesn't have free healthcare or decent free education and it has a lot of political upheaval. His friends are all quite well off, privately educated people who think they are a cut above most people here so that doesn't apply to them

kawliga Sun 17-Mar-13 22:52:45

preposterous, it doesn't work that way if they are from a third world country. It's socially acceptable if you're from a poorer country to moan about life in rich countries, but it's not socially acceptable to be critical of life in poor countries if you're from a rich country. Not really sure why but I think it's perhaps an implicit power thing. If your country has the capacity to pulverise their country at the push of a button then somehow it's not the same for you to diss them as it is for them to diss you. It's kind of fair between Brits/Ozzies,Kiwis and maybe between Brits/Europeans and that's about it. If an Indian person is complaining about something like the tube being crowded with grumpy commuters you can't really respond with complaints about the commuters in India who hang off the trains and sit on the roof etc. It should be equal, give a moan take a moan, but it's not. That's why it's kind of fashionable to diss America but it's not considered fashionable for Americans to say anything bad about anybody else. They're a superpower so they're supposed to just take all of it on the chin and never answer back. Turn the other cheek and all that. It's terribly uncool to be patriotic if you're American but it's very cool to wave your own flag if you're from the Maldives or somewhere nice like that which is considered a pretty harmless and maybe powerless country especially if there's a lovely national costume to go with it. People just say 'ah, bless'. Try draping the flag of St George and nobody will be cooing at you they'll just think you're a bit loopy and probably a Little Englander.

The moral of this long post: all countries are equal but not all countries have equal rights to moan about other countries.

Preposteroushypothesis Sun 17-Mar-13 22:19:29

My DP is from another country that is lovely in a lot of ways (mainly weather and natural beauty) but has a lot of problems. I very frequently find myself in a large group of people from his country and am the only English person. It does send me a bit potty after a while that they spend 80% of their time complaining about how xyz is so much better back home and I have to restrain myself from saying yeah but abc in your country is so shocking that you are all here...I try and remind myself at the end of the day that they are just homesick and they are only here because of the opportunities and that, in a strange way, makes them resentful of this country because if they had a choice they wouldn't be here...

Where I really want to lose my rag though is where I will sit for 45 minutes while they slag the uk off then turn to me and ask if we have any plans to move to said country. I calmly say no we don't because of the NHS and schooling, and we are simply not wealthy enough to bring up a family in their country where this is not available for free (I don't even go into the other issues that make me not want to live there as they are very political and always a sore spot) and then they all act hugely offended!! So it's ok for them to rant on about my country but I'm not allowed to say anything negative about theirs when asked!!

Weissdorn Sun 17-Mar-13 21:00:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fakebook Sun 17-Mar-13 20:58:58

You should have emailed her back telling her about the benefits of baby led weaning and not needing a "choice" of shitty tinned food for babies.

StuntGirl Sun 17-Mar-13 20:47:12

It's not just Brits who moan though. My friends mum is from Grenada and by god the woman can bitch. According to her EVERYTHING about the UK sucks and Grenada is practically Utopia by comparison. In fact Grenada is SO good she hasn't lived there for 30 years.

BegoniaBampot Sun 17-Mar-13 20:41:45

She sounds very rude and insensitive. I've lived in other countries and would never run down a persons country in this way. Might discuss some aspects of pros and cons but not just slate it constantly no matter what I secretly thought. Feel the same about my ho e town I left any years ago. Think it's a shithole but can't say that those that stayed.

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