Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

(229 Posts)

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 14:10:22

the posters who have jumped at the holiday she's taking, perhaps her parentsinlaw couldn't take it themselves and then offered it to her. Hence the two adults.
Really, picture the situation. She has an autistic son. She, for whatever reason, can't get help from her OH, and she's pregnant. She could be whingeing about her lot in life and leave it at that. Instead, she's going to courses to do a nursing course. Not to become an accountant, businessperson,... a nursing course. I think she sounds like someone who's had it tough but is still trying away to better things. and asking for some help from her family, gosh, for crying out loud, she's not asking them to pay her rent / mortgage /...
As for the credit rating... I've never taken out loans, always paid bills on time, very, very rarely buy on my credit card which was taken out last year... I expected my credit rating to be amazing. Shock of my life when it wasn't!

countrykitten Sat 16-Mar-13 14:22:27

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DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 14:25:46

Secret its not even a weekend away, its a week ! A week the op feels she is very entitled to. Don't think she realizes that there are so many people who don't even get an hours break.

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 14:28:38

Not goading countrykitten, but would all of those points have applied if she was 16 and pregnant?

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 14:30:20

Deskplanner - how do you know when she last had a holiday? I've not had one for 8 years. But I don't begrudge the OP for a chance to recharge her batteries. If someone gave you a week's holiday just for you and your OH what would you do? Try and find a way to go or turn it down flat?

Allthumbs Sat 16-Mar-13 14:33:39

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countrykitten Sat 16-Mar-13 14:44:03

16 is a child - this person is an adult who has her own family already. Very different situation.

Really? Just how old IS the OP?

DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 15:20:39

never If the op hasn't had a holiday for a long time, then the chances are her 4 year old hasn't either. She could have suggested taking her 4 year old on holiday with her and her dh for a weekend break, rather than a weeks holiday for just her and her dh. Probably cost less.
Even if the holiday that has been bought for her is at an all inclusive, she would need some spends, wouldn't she ? Yet she can't pay her dad only £70.
This is AIBU, so I'm allowed to say that I think she IBU, if I want. Think I will leave this thread anyway, there's no point as op clearly isn't coming back.

countrykitten Sat 16-Mar-13 15:23:33

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DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 15:23:58

never, just noticed you asked me what I'd do if offered a weeks free holiday. Well yes, to be honest I would turn it down flat. There's no way I want to be away from my dc for a week. Each to there own, but you asked me what I would do.

im not speaking to my father over not letting me take one months break for a car loan, its for saying my his next grandchild is a mistake and i should get rid of it!..my suggestion for a loan as it made everything above board and gave me a time to pay every month! My dad originally wanted to take out of a credit card but i looked into it and found the apr was higher. When my father came over for a work meeting and saw what i had to deal with thats what changed his mind! im lucky if i see him twice a year!
The repairs weren't 70 quid they were actually 340 initially, i wanted to take a bit of the pressure off by taking one months break from the loan.
Apparently my mun told a friend the last holiday she went on with the man it ended up in both of them covered in scratches from fighting, so imagine my suprise when she said she was doing it all over again.
My pregnancy was a suprise, im making allowances amd getting on with it, not that its ANYBODYS buisness and im stunned that any of you have the gall to make comment on it!
My partner was stupid in his early twenties and ruined his credit rating..call me crazy but its not something you ask about when you 1st fall for someone! "yes i think i love you but whats your credit rating like" dont think so somehow!!
Can i just add i have never came across so many judgemental people in all my life! talk about being kicked when your down!

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:27:53

Deskplanner - I wasn't trying to be horrid, sorry if I was. I don't even know how a holiday works anymore - not been on one for ages. And being as tight as I am probably wouldn't need any spends!
I don't have an autistic child but I read on here how it's tough. I saw it as a way she could recharge her batteries and come back and be an even better mum. Don't some people come back refreshed? Personally, I would never leave my little ones (too overprotective?) but I can't begrudge anyone else who it works for.

Paribus Sat 16-Mar-13 15:28:39

OP, YANBU. It's normal for families to help each other, especially considering that you are pregnant and have a child with SN. Your father was very, very unreasonable and I think he owes you an apology for what he said.
On a side note- I am always amazed when posters starts talking about no one owing anything to anybody in the families- is it a general consensus in the UK? I am an expat so I really don't know, but it sounds so cold and uncaring sad.

I cant take my child on holiday, he doesn't respond well to his routine being broken, we tried to take him to a caravan park before and it resulted in a black eye for me and a busted nose for my partner, we had to come home early amd it was a nighare not a holiday. i wanted someone who he knows and i trust to look after him in his own home! What a terrible person i am for wanting to take up the oppertunity of a break and for my parents to give me some support when i really needed it!!! But then again thats something that spoilt people expect isn't it!

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:32:46

mummysgoingmad - hey not everyone's kicking you when you're down. Only you know what's going on in your situation. None of it is anybody's business. You came on this thread expecting some support and tlc... well, welcome!
I know about the partner and bad credit rating thing - been there.
As I've said, congrats on the pregnancy and the degree - hope it all works out. Concentrate on yourself and your immediate family. You've seen how unsupportive the people you expected to be supportive are, just don't rely on them again.
Hope things all work out for you.

Dannilion Sat 16-Mar-13 15:34:58

What dontmindifido said. Also, being a student nurse doesn't stop from from getting loans/mortgages/credit cards etc. Your previous attitude towards your debts does.

As for the judgemental comment, isn't that what AIBU is all about? You come here asking for judgement..

Smartiepants79 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:35:00

Sadly this is not the place to post if you don't want to be judged!
For what it's worth i think you are not being unreasonable to hope from some help from your immediate family.
I know I would.
If they can help one child they should help all I my opinion. It is relevant because it makes you feel less important.
Only you know whether or not you are likely to get it.
I would keep you son away from this man your mother is seeing as he sounds like bad news.
I hope things get a bit easier for you.

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:36:44

Paribus, I'm surprised at the sentiments of the posters on this thread. I'm an expat too and used to be very surprised at some things. I guess it makes sense now - if the parents think that responsibility is over once the children are 18, then little wonder the children have the same sentiment towards their parents. Some areas in the world may be poorer financially but you get the real feeling of family right from the moment you're born to when you die.
It's a shame the OPs parents feel they dont have to help her out during this stressful time of her life. If not now then when?

DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 15:39:25

never didn't think you were being horrible, don't worry. grin I couldn't leave my dc either, but that's me certainly being precious about them. Haven't got anyone to have them for a week even if I wanted to. Wouldn't judge anyone who did though, unless there dc weren't getting a holiday too.
An evening out on the other hand, I could go for. Must be coming up for a year since I had an evening out with dh. Ho hum....

Smartiepants79 Sat 16-Mar-13 15:40:13

paribus no , not all families are like this.
Both mine and my OH family would do everything they could to help in bad situations.
It's what you do for people you love.
If they ever said they couldn't help then I would know it was truly because they can't.

DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 15:41:36

Sorry my english was terrible in that last post.

witchface Sat 16-Mar-13 15:43:26

This is AIBU people WILL say you are unreasonable. If you bring up your pregnancy people will comment on it. If you speak to your family in the same way you respond to posts in here I am not surprised you got the responses you did.

akaemmafrost Sat 16-Mar-13 15:45:11

I think your parents sound very self centred and I think you've had some real nastiness directed at you on here. I wouldn't try to explain anymore if I were you. You've been judged to be a spoilt brat and you won't change people's minds.

IMO YANBU to ask for help from your own parents and it must be hard to see your brother being helped but financially but your Dad not wanting to help you.

I would pay him his loan back then back off completely, he sounds horrible. Your Mum however is in an abusive relationship and while I wouldn't let look after my ds I would try to have some sympathy. People stuck in those kind of situations aren't thinking straight.

Lastly never post about anything remotely sensitive in AIBU again.

Goldenbear Sat 16-Mar-13 15:48:01

I'm not an expat but have every sympathy with the OP's situation. TBH the opinion of 'family' largely expressed on here- support stops at 18, is a very alien concept to me. It also makes me think how lucky I am to have parents who would never, ever think this was an acceptable attitude to have towards us!

I don't see what is childish about expecting AND giving support to each other within a family.

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