To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?(1000 Posts)
PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.
It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.
I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.
PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.
My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.
DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere
Ands that's my response just from reading your OP.
Like other posters I just can't imagine what goes on in someone's mind if they think it's ok to lumber a family with their presence for an entire month, even without everything you've got ahead of you.
Selfish or what?
I think they should go on holiday for at least the time after you have had the baby but probably for all of it.
Totally agree with ledkr.
Who in their right mind thinks its ok to impose for a month on someone who's just had a section.
OH i just read what they are like, urm I ont know what you can do suggest they go somewhere else or postpone the building work you might need to just to say no go elsewhere suggest a nice holiday
OK-what is "practically the whole month".
First of all-find out when they can be at BIL/SILs.
how long would you be at home & pregnant & how long would they be with you when your husband is on paternity leave?
Have you told him that if they stay he will have to cook, clean, wash & iron for all of you?
God NO way! Just say no sorry we can't accommodate you. You will never get those precious newborn days back an trust me
bitter experience mil will be bonding with baby not you!
I'd be pissed of with BIL and SIL and would be asking why her mother needs to be visiting at that time. Surely at times like this families pull together. Your BIL and SIL know your situation, so surely they should be putting your ILs up.
Seems to me that they have come up with a plan not to have them.
Can your husband not have a word with his brother?
I was ready to say YANU as I stayed with my in laws after my first c-section and found it a god send. However, having read the entire thread your in laws sound like way too much work and insensitive which is far from what you need after giving birth. Don't let them stay. YANBU.
It sounds like they can afford to rent somewhere short term so just tell them no and get your husband on board to support this decision. I think the whole thing is extremely cheeky you can't jus go and live at someone else's house without being invited, no matter who you are family or not!
Her mum is coming from abroad, we're all going to SIL (to be) wedding a few weeks after (bloody abroad!) and her mum is coming to help her out with wedding plans and this is very important and can't be moved
They won't stay in a cottage or anything as this is already costing them too much, apparently. ("what with renovations, new babes and weddings..!")
DH's best suggestion is that our dog stay with my parents and if it's too much I can go upstairs. All said in a nice way of course, like that's actually a solution!
Diddl - I'll be 9 months when they arrive, 2/3 weeks later I'll have my section, then they will be here for probably another month, coinciding with DH being home. They will leave the 2nd / 3rd week in July.
Shame on your dh then Georgie.
This is a farcical proposition that is going to leave a bitter taste and burning resentment for years to come.
Tell him I hope it's worth it.
You shouldn't have to arrange anything for PIL. You can't have them staying with you and your DH is responsible for dealing with his family's most unreasonable behaviour and support your interests over theirs.
If ground rules were set-would they stick to them?
If they had their own "sitting room"-would they stay there-or would your husband want them with him & "helping"?
I'm sure he wants to help them out-but if it's you doing all the accommodating, then it's not really on.
Does he realise how unhelpful they would be & that they would expect to be waited on?
Idea! Tell them that your midwife has told you very firmly that it's a bad idea, that for the sake of your recovery from surgery and bonding with the new baby, you need time without any guests. Then add that your health visitor agreed with her. And show them some brochures for holiday let cottages for rent.
If they say, 'oh we won't be any trouble, we'll help you with the baby' etc, then you reply with 'I know I'm sure you'd be happy to help - it's not you it's me - I would just find it too difficult not to be playing the hostess. We'd love you to come and visit for the afternoon when you're at your short-term rental house'.
Your husband is being a dick here and so are his parents.
This has to be your call.
You are the one who will be pregnant/having major surgery/having a new baby/establishing breastfeeding while they are planning to impose on you.
Just say no fucking way is this happening and they'll just have to revisit their decision to save money at your expense by refusing to pay for their own accommodation.
bloody hell. bloody hell.
i would be swearing.
it's not your problem. it's just not. your dh and pil have to find another solution. i'd seriously be putting my foot down. they'd better wrack their brains because this cannot seriously be put on you.
WHereabouts in the country are you? There are lots of companies that do reasonably priced short lets and it might be possible to do this?
Ooh, I've got it - if FIL is glued to Sky Sports all the time, then don't hook it up in the new house.
I'd get back on to BIL and make this his problem. As far as your PIL are concerned they are allowed to stay until you move house. Fine. You need to be firm about this though - you'll be nesting and wanting to make the new place your own, ready for the new baby. The last thing you'll want is a lazy FIl lounging about your house being a demanding grumpy old shit, and MIL mothering your DH doing everything for him, calling your newborn 'her baby' and ruining those really important few weeks.
Pull rank, blame those pregnancy hormones and make it absolutely clear that they are not welcome until baby is home and settled.
Is there really no one else-have they siblings of their own they could stay with?
yes - you can't be made to accommodate them because they don't want to fork out more money.
seriously - they can hire a caravan somewhere.
i'm so pissed off on your behalf i'll find them something. nearby their home but as far from yours as possible.
I think it is unreasonable, but again don't see any easy way out of it.
Can you beseech your BUL/SIL to change around their plans? Can you rent them a one bedroom apartment for the 6 weeks? I know it's a big expense, but might be worth it if it saves your family life from permanent difficulty.
(in our house it would go something like
DP: "Hamster - can MIL stay for a month while her house is being refurbed"
I'm furious on your behalf. Also amazed that your ils and Dh think this is an acceptable situation.
I don't know what the solution is but your Dh really needs to be on your side with this one. You are the one heavily pregnant and giving birth, he needs to putyour needs first.
Show him this thread.
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Please login first.