ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

(1000 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 08:55:53

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere hmm

So... AIBU??

Blu Sat 16-Mar-13 07:13:23

Funny, that all sounds great, but I think you have been reading a thread about rather different ILs. This one won't be unpacking, he'll be watching Sky sports news.

Blu Sat 16-Mar-13 07:15:42

And OPs DH has a whole month off.

Ledkr Sat 16-Mar-13 07:15:51

* Help means that MIL is going to look after DH and the 2 year old and the dog and FIL.*
Wtf? Pretty sure dh will be able to look after himself the dog and dd, what with being a grown man and all that. As for fil why should op have an extra adult sat hogging her tv and being " looked after" by mil?
She wants to hog her own tv and sofa and should be the only one who receives any the of looking after.
Mil hates the dog and fil watches sport from morning till night.
Still think there's another side to the story??

Funny - why does DH need help? He's a grown man. He should be capable.

MIL won't go near the dog - the dog would have to move out, so she's hardly going to be walking the dog

And if the section is uncomplicated most people can manage after 2 weeks - especially with a husband working from home who can help with any lifting. You don't want to be sitting around in bed after a section you'll get a blood clot (I've had 3).

3 sections, not 3 blood clots

digerd Sat 16-Mar-13 07:35:58

OP said she was looking forward to just the 4 of them together for the first 4 weeks after birth of new baby.
She is still being dictated to against her wishes, so PIL can do what they want - stay in their house.
Must be like hitting her head against a brick wall and they are saying her wishes are unimportant. She has to do what they say.

Skinnydecafflatte Sat 16-Mar-13 07:40:42

So glad to hear that your DH has had this conversation. I'm sure they'll come to their senses (with a little push).

Now rest up, enjoy shopping for baby things, your wedding and makes sure that DH follows through or else he'll have the whole on MN to deal with! I'm sure this was a temporary blip on his behalf so lets forgive him for that smile

Think I'll go and have a PIL discussion with my DH now and check they're not planning to stay for a while when our dc2 arrives!

DontmindifIdo Sat 16-Mar-13 07:44:10

<basks in compliments on my evilness> sometimes, selective misunderstanding is best. OP - don't tell your DH your plan before hand, just act all happy - in your head it's sorted and there's no reason for you not to say so to MIL.

digerd Sat 16-Mar-13 07:48:54

Hope all goes well at the birthday party OP.

OneHundredSecondsofSolitude Sat 16-Mar-13 08:03:19

I another one who doesn't share the outrage

It's just your PIL, your children's grandparents. You husbands mother and father

I like having others around to share the burden and extra help with your dd will be invaluable

Try looking at it from another perspective

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Mar-13 08:06:06

It's easy to see the people who will have a strained relationship with their own DsIL.

HazleNutt Sat 16-Mar-13 08:06:16

Some people like others around, I also have a friend who would happily live in a massive commune and constantly has a house full of people. I don't think OP is like that though, considering that, well, she wants to spend time with her own family only.

Also if you read the thread, the ILs won't be sharing the burden - they will be the burden.

Sugarice Sat 16-Mar-13 08:23:01

It sounds like this whole issue is fuelled by a belief from MiL that she is not considered as important as your mum and wanted to gain territorial advantage with the new baby.

I laughed at her miffiness at only being an occasional visitor if she didn't move in, isn't that how it should be grin.

Stand firm OP and don't be rail roaded into anything at the party by the others, especially your prat of a BiL.

Put them right about your mum as well!

BlueberryHill Sat 16-Mar-13 08:25:18

My MIL came to stay and help when I had DS2 and DD1 (twins not separate deliveries), I also had a CS and DS1 aged 3 1/2 yo at the time. It was really, really helpful. However, we agreed in advance, she didn't stay when DH was on paternity, she stayed three nights a week for 3/4 months, my parents helped the other days and she did it to help (plus have lots of baby cuddling, but with twins there is always a baby to cuddle.) and she didn't comment on how I was 'managing' the twins for want of a better word. FIL stayed at home (or he would have been hogging the TV watching CNN and Moody's on the TV). She lived 50 miles away so coming in the day wasn't an option plus she helped with night feeds.

She helped out so much, making sure that DS1 wasn't feeling left out, DH and I also had fantastic food. However, she wasn't doing it to put one over on my mum or against mine and DHs wishes.

Whilst I had a great experience, I agree with the OP her PILs sound completely the opposite, whilst help is great (they can still do that, just not staying at her house) they want to do it solely for their own reasons (mainly one up manship over OPs mother) and there will be no break from them, for 8 months, the stress of it when it is unwanted would be immense, and I would resent them probably for ever for it. It sounds as though the building work is a conveinient excuse that has now been forgotten and the real reason has come out. Funny et al, in this case the PILs sound selfish, it will impact on their relationship with their DIL in the future if they stay.

OP I think that you have won round 1, there will be more rounds to come, stay firm and keep your DH on side and present a united front to them. It sounds as though BIL (what an arse) needed a get out and used your mother as an excuse to wind his parents up and get them to stay with you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Sat 16-Mar-13 09:03:45

It does sound like jealousy, doesn't it?

But hey, sorry, but here's a newsflash-a lot of us get on better with our own mums & it's at times like this that we will turn to them-not be trying to be make sure our new baby is handed round "fairly".

My MIL from the day she found out I was pregnant referred to herself as "2nd best GM".hmm

She wasn't, of course, but my priority in life wasn't her.

Hell, it wasn't her son's either!

Anyway, my parents used to visit every week, & I told ILs that they could too (on a different day so that they could have GC all to themselves), & stay for evening meal,therefore seeing my husband when he got in from work.

No,they wanted to visit at weekends only so as to have a whole day with him!!

You just can't help some people!

Mmmnotsure Sat 16-Mar-13 09:09:06

OP - when we got married my mil did a few things which I found unforgivable. They weren't very serious in the scheme of things, but they were things which spoilt our wedding celebrations to some extent. More importantly, they showed that my pil valued their other children's happiness over that of my dh.

It's been decades since then. The relationship between me and the ils is very civilised and polite. We are friendly and nice to each other, but I have never liked them very much, or trusted them.

That may partly be my fault for finding it hard to forgive. But what happened soured the relationship for ever. And I feel so sorry for my dh (who is a wonderful son to them, and far more generous and helpful to them than their other dc). I know this isn't directly relevant to your situation, but I just wanted to warn you and your dh that things done to get people out of a situation at the time, especially at a very emotional part of life, can have very serious ramifications for years later.

(And re the idea upthread by some people that both sets of grandparents are equal: they should be, ideally, but that isn't the relevant point here. This is post partem, where the person who needs looking after is the mother. She can do a lot of looking after her own baby and toddler. With all the personal, physical stuff that follows having a baby, it is perfectly normal for her to want her own mother there and not her mil - they are probably not interchangeable for the weeks directly after the birth.)

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Mar-13 09:13:54

When my SIL has had her babies my mother has expected to be less involved than SIL's mother.

The help in the early days is about supporting the mother to look after her baby.

Not about competing over who is No 1 grandmother.

How repulsive to be so childish and competitive around the birth of a child.

My mother is not no. 2 granny, but she is (obviously) not my SIL's first choice to support her.

She lets it be known she will do what she can and then leaves it to SIL to decide what she needs.

In a million years she would not presume to land herself in another woman's home for six weeks at the time of a birth uninvited. And to bring my Dad along?

And expect TV packages bought and dogs evicted?

Fucking mind blowing.

ssd Sat 16-Mar-13 09:34:34

agree with maryz a few posts back

clam Sat 16-Mar-13 10:07:30

onehundredseconds "I like having others around to share the burden"

You may do. BUT THE OP DOESN'T! Hence her concern.

Herrena Sat 16-Mar-13 10:18:01

Could you feign being totally flustered and overwhelmed at the party OP? As in, a dialogue like this:

Random DH family member: So how are you?

OP: Oh, I'm really looking forward to the baby arriving and it just being the FOUR of us in our own house so we can have some lovely time ALONE and it was so stressful thinking we were going to have guests but thank goodness that is ALL SORTED NOW and we're going to be ALONE to bond as a family. And I'm concerned about our 'random household applicance'. Have you seen DD1? It's hot in here isn't it. I need some water.

<OP vanishes, looking flustered>

Repeat with as many of his family as possible (pref within earshot of PILs) until the hint cannot fail to be got!

auntpetunia Sat 16-Mar-13 11:15:15

I agree with herrena tell as many people as possible at the party that you've been SO STRESSED thinking PILs where staying …but you're SO GLAD THEY HAVE SEEN SENSE and aren't planning on staying for 10 weeks just after you've moved and had a baby! I mean who in their right mind would think that was a good idea!!! Said in a shocked and flustered manner. It will work.

mouldyironingboard Sat 16-Mar-13 11:31:24

Could you make a point of discussing the gory side of childbirth in front of your PIL at the party? <put them off their food>

Once you have mentioned stitches, wounds, placenta, bleeding, leaking, piles, incontinence etc a few times your FIL won't want to be anywhere near you, let alone come to stay. If your MIL is even slightly prudish she won't want to discuss any of the above with you (obviously it won't work if your PIL are health care professionals!)

Loulybelle Sat 16-Mar-13 12:16:13

You could also mention, not being able to have a crap for a while because you dont have control over your stomach muscles.

saggyhairyarse Sat 16-Mar-13 12:35:52

Can you speak to your SIL and BIL and arrange that your MIL and FIL will go there when you come home from your c-section for a week, if not longer? It could be helpful to have them there the day before your c-section and while you are in hospital to look after your 2 year old.

Another alternative is that the building works are bought forward or delayed by a month?

I would not want my ILs staying with me for a month, it is hard enough having my own mother for a few days! However you are family and families should help each other out, that is not to say you have to look forward to it...

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