Who is BU? Me or DH?

(424 Posts)
IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:51:10

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant blush

OxfordBags Tue 12-Mar-13 23:31:26

XPost - it sounds like he is under tremendous pressure from his family for you to fulfill all their needs, like some sort of slave: work for them, let MIL play mummy again with your baby... What next?!

So she'll insist on looking after DD for 2 days, will she? You know it'll then be 3 days. Then 5 days. Then what - weekends? He sounds worryingly and weirdly over-enmeshed with them, like all he cares a out is meeting their needs at the cost of anyone else.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:34:44

sanity I don't want to be in a relationship like this and I don't want my DD growing up thinking daddy is the boss.

annie if I say that then he says I'm twisting it onto him and of course idea always the bad guy and its me that can do no wrong, I blame all our problems on him and nothing is my fault.

I know im far from perfect

Hmmmm, very hard to reason with someone who isn't prepared to listen. Good luck!

ENormaSnob Tue 12-Mar-13 23:37:24

I'd be getting an appointment with a divorce solicitor tbh.

He's a cunt.

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:37:36

I can't win an argument

It's difficult with someone who is being a bully. Just stay calm. Repeat your view. He's being childish. If he won't listen, walk away. Bullies hope to upset you/ grind you down to get their own way. What he says is rubbish. Of course you're not making everyone tiptoe round you - they're hardly bloody doing that are they!! Ask him who it is he thinks is tiptoeing round you!!

Don't agree to doing this. If he won't shut up, tell him you think you should have counselling together, because he is insisting on putting his parents above you.

Your dh is spouting typical, bullying rubbish to grind you down and make you doubt yourself. But you can see from this thread, not one person actually agrees with him.

Please stand up to him. (And I agree I would start putting out feelers about your options for not staying with/ or becoming financially dependent on him).

It sounds like you feel you will be in for a rough ride if you say no (walking on eggshells around him) and that it would be easier to cave in. ime, in the long run, if you give in, life will get harder for you, not easier - he will see he can get away with blatantly disrespecting you once, and he will keep doing it. This is not a way to live and relationships do not need to be like this. Book yourself some assertiveness courses if you want, but SAY NO to this job!

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:38:32

oxford he never use to be so bothered about pleasing them and when DD was about 2 weeks old there was huge arguments from ILs because we hadn't been over to see them in 2 days and I was still sore from my section and he was brilliant and I thought how lucky I was to have a DH who put me and DD first but now it's changed. He tries to tell
How often I should go over to there house and for how long so they can have enough time with DD and completely puts their needs first

EvaM Tue 12-Mar-13 23:41:13

Oh dear OP, you sound like you have a hard time saying no and can easily be guilted into things.

I don't mean this in a judgemental way - I have similar problems. I really think you need to step back and think about the situation from an putsiders pov. If your fiend was in this situation what would you want her or him to do?

I'm assuming you love your husband and want to fix the situation rather than walk away. My suggestion is to write your husband and your pil a letter outlining your reasons again and also try to explain how YOU are feeling in this situation.

A great tip I got once was using "I" instead of "YOU" statements. So rather than "You don't care how I feel" "I'm upset, if you disregard my feelings". Try to be the calm party - shouting or crying can put you in the wrong. When I get upset or angry in an argument I close my eyes and count to ten to centre myself.

Also put yourself in your husband's shoes. Even though he's in the wrong here it helps to look at it from his perspective. Acknowledge his situation. "I know that it will be difficult for you to find someone at such short notice. I could put out an advert for you"

I really hope you get this sorted out. If this becomes a regular pattern I suggest you walk though.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:46:38

Thank you eva

I don't want to walk away I want us to save what we have but I just don't know how hmm

lottiegarbanzo Tue 12-Mar-13 23:52:14

Your in laws had already accepted you won't be doing this but your DH has decided you should and wants to involve your FIL in persuading you? So it's all about your DH wanting to control how you use your time or what he is seen to contribute to their business, not about what the PIL expect or hope of you.

You don't have to explain or argue with anyone. Do not expose your feelings to manipulation. 'I explained this last year, my position has not changed'. 'Explained what? Why?' 'My position has not changed. I have been consistently clear that I do not want to do this. You have had plenty of time to find someone else.' End.

EvaM Tue 12-Mar-13 23:56:31

IsItMe, in that case it's really important you start asserting yourself NOW.

You will be unhappy in the long run and send the wrong message to your dd.

Make clear where you stand, maybe remind him at a few occasions where you have put the family's needs before your own and remind him that a year is pleanty of notice.

I really swear by writing these things down in a rational way (it's ok to go through several drafts).

Please be strong.

Tobyturtle Wed 13-Mar-13 00:07:53

I'm with Eva, you should write down your feelings (maybe citing times he has made you feel upset or even intimidated) as when you talk to someone and they start arguing with you it is really difficult to remember times and to articulate your feelings properly.

You definately need to stick to your guns, it sounds to me like your MIL may have 'dictated' to her son that she wod like to child mind 2 days a week n so he is bullying you into it rather than standing my his wife as he should.

Lueji Wed 13-Mar-13 00:46:42

YANBU at all.

You can reply why should you stay with him if he doesn't respect your wishes.

He won't give in and the only way it will end is if I give in
Not the only way, of course.
I'd be wanting to leave if I was bullied like this.

Of course you don't want to leave, but having that option is often the only way to keep sanity and in control of ourselves.
Otherwise, at some point you will be a slave to his whims because he knows you want to make the marriage work at any cost. sad
You realise it's only you who want it to work?
He seems prepared to give it up.
Call his bluff.

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 02:09:31

I will try writing it all down Eva, thank you. You are right that when were talking about this I can't remember on the spot so a letter will be a good way to do this

Gingerodgers Wed 13-Mar-13 02:25:04

I think you should re think being a sahm t b h . I am one, and although my h is v supportive, when things get tough, it does feel like he is the one holding all the cards. I think if I still had a career, I would feel a bit more in control iyswim? If he is being like this after only 5 months, it might just get worse. I would definately think about going back to work, but not for in laws!

MidnightMasquerader Wed 13-Mar-13 02:29:16

It sounds like he has lost all respect for you since becoming a SAHM, and almost as if he thinks he's now the boss of you, since all the financial input into the family comes from him.

Of course, he's ignoring the huge contribution you make to the family and the household, since it's not a monetary one.

Why does he think he is entitled to tell you what to do, how to run your life, etc?

My advice to you would be to think about getting a job of your own at some point in the not-too-distant future. 1), so that you're contributing financially 2), so that it's a job of your choosing that you enjoy 3), so that you get out of working for your in-laws, and most importantly 4), so that if you ever need to LTB you're in a far better position to be able to do so...

MidnightMasquerader Wed 13-Mar-13 02:30:16

X-posted with Ginger. smile

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 06:26:47

Thank you all for your replies.

I do need to look into getting a job, it's going to cause me no end if arguments though by refusing to do this one to go and get another one. He really will think I'm being difficult then.

BeckAndCall Wed 13-Mar-13 06:33:10

Can I just ask, why can't MIL do the job you don't want to do? If she would be looking after your DD then she's certainly available? (Unless its very particular and falls in your skill set, which it doesn't sound like or you'd probably like doing it!)

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 06:34:26

There's no reason she can't apart from the fact it's a pita job and then she wouldn't get to watch DD

AllOverIt Wed 13-Mar-13 06:37:03

What a horrible situation.

Absolutely stand your ground. YANBU.

Are your parents supportive? Do you have RL support from friends?

IsItMeBU Wed 13-Mar-13 06:57:21

I do have some support all I just need to confide in people but I don't like people knowing my problems. I think I will talk to my sister today though

Whoknowswhocares Wed 13-Mar-13 07:24:25

This set up sounds very weird. They are treating you as some sort of lackey to do the jobs that no one else wants. Trying to impose the MIL having a set amount of time with your DD? Your feelings don't seem to matter and they are happy to trample you into submission. Errr, huge red flags!!!!! You are being treated as a piece of machinery necessary for them....to do the crap jobs and incubate his offspring
This is NOT normal. I'd run for the hills but if you want to stay you are going to have to toughen up. A LOT. No more being worn down and browbeaten into doing things which don't suit YOU. Your relationship will not survive unless you either a) roll over for ever and are prepared to accept this crap for life(yeah, right!) or b) sort out the issues and become seen as an equal
Get yourself some independence financially. If it all goes tits up, you will need it. For this reason, it is ESSENTIAL that the job is not dependant on the ILs. Let him argue, threaten and whine. Let the FIL try to persuade you. Ignore it all. If your pathetic husband decides to leave, then he isn't worth having!
Talk to your family and friends. Keep a life away from him and his parents. Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do. Do not become any more dependant on this man
Oh, and start an escape fund. If you are lucky , you won't need it, but you might.

elfycat Wed 13-Mar-13 07:41:53

I agree with all the advice about not giving in to bullying.

Have you considered that he might have post natal depression symptoms? Men do get them and it might be why he's behaving out of character. He's trying to maintain a sense of normality, and getting it wrong. Or is he suffering from stress?

Could you get him to go and see his GP for some advice on his need to control and dominate you? Maybe not phrased quite like that to him.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 13-Mar-13 08:49:19

Oh, that's very odd. I took it for granted that the work required your specialist skill e.g. doing their accounts.

Your job as SAHM is to take care of your child during the day, which is an important job and presumably you chose it because you believed that and want to do it yourself, rather than have someone do it for you.

This puts you in a really awkward position, as you may never be able to ask MIL to look after dd without an expectation of reciprocal work. Perhaps that means MIL only sees dd when you are there and does not have her to herself.

Otherwise, yes, you need financial independence and our DH needs to explain why he's treating you as some sort of brood mare and general factotum to service his family's needs and wishes.

DeepRedBetty Wed 13-Mar-13 09:36:48

Why on earth doesn't MIL do this boring horrid job herself then?

Or just bite the bullet and pay someone else to do it?

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