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To chuck DH out for co-sleeping on the sofa?

(73 Posts)
StuntNun Tue 12-Mar-13 00:48:37

Okay I'm probably not actually going to LTB but I just found DH co-sleeping with our 16-week-old son on the sofa and I'm furious. He pooh-poohed my saying it's a risk for SIDS and reckons he wouldn't have let the baby fall on to the floor.

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Mar-13 00:51:14

I did exactly the same thing when my kids were small

I took sleep where I could grab it.

EMUZ Tue 12-Mar-13 00:53:16

Sorry but I would go mad. Having heard someone trying to resuscitate their month old child after doing just that. Never ever ever

dadinthehat Tue 12-Mar-13 00:53:47

It's lovely to doze on the sofa with your little one. You have every right to voice your concerns, but its lovely that your DH was able to spend that snugly time with your DS.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Mar-13 00:55:36

Have you told him why its a risk?

I could be wrong but it is my understanding that its due to the suffocation risk.and its more dangerous than many of the other things listed as SIDS risks.

Tell him that's is all fine and well rubbishing the risks until your child becomes a statistic.( harsh I know but may work)

Don't LTB that is probably an over reaction but do take the baby up to bed with you when you go

NatashaBee Tue 12-Mar-13 00:55:49

YANBU. Safe co-sleeping in a bed, fine - but sleeping with a baby on the sofa is very dangerous.

BrittaPerry Tue 12-Mar-13 00:56:28

Tell him to co sleep in a bed like a normal person. I'm shocked that he thinks the main risk is dropping the child.

WickWackThurso Tue 12-Mar-13 00:56:57

Yabu - did he mean to do it. Does he know how unsafe it is? Yes, it's a well documented SIDS risk, but surely something you can discuss rationally (ds is ok this time, but please don't do it again)? Unless there are other relationship issues, or concerns about you dh's ability to care for your child, I would be tempted to advise you not to over react.

TheDetective Tue 12-Mar-13 01:18:12

Stunt he is being an arse. Yasnbu.

I'd go with scare tactics. Show him the stories, for there are many out there, of babies dying from sleeping with someone on the sofa.

It's just not worth the risk. If he thinks it's okay, fine. But you do not, and he needs to listen to you and not do something you consider dangerous. I'm sure if he thought you were doing something to put his son at risk he would want you to stop, yes? So it works two ways.

Baby comes first. He isn't putting him first by taking big risks.

Can your mum tell him? Or will he not listen to her either?

chipmonkey Tue 12-Mar-13 01:24:01

As someone who lost a baby to SIDS, tell him from me that co-sleeping on a sofa is statistically a higher risk than sleeping with a baby in a bed. My dd died after I nodded off while she was in bed with me. She was prem and I had never intended to co-sleep with her even though I had done it with all my boys.
I have to live with the what-ifs and the grief every day for the rest of my life. She should be nineteen months old now. She's the first thing I think of every morning when I wake up and I'll never get over losing her.

Monty27 Tue 12-Mar-13 01:30:02

Chip me too, in bed while bfing sad

Mine would have been 21 last year. I still find it difficult, every single day.

IsThatTrue Tue 12-Mar-13 01:34:30

chipmonkey I'm so so sorry that you lost your little girl. sad

Op YANBU safe co sleeping in bed, ok. But on a sofa, no no no. Will facts and figures stop your DH poo poohing your feelings about this?

honeytea Tue 12-Mar-13 02:53:26

Chip and Monty I am so sorry for the loss of your babies sad

Op I had exactly the same problem with my dp recently, my initial reaction was to take the baby, tell him he could never be alone with ds. Dp was defensive until he looked up the reasons and statistics himself.

Now when dp gets up with ds in the mornings he sits on a hard chair with no blanket, also he makes Breakfast/cup of tea and watches tv so he is much less likely to fall asleep.

Kytti Tue 12-Mar-13 03:03:22

It's hard, isn't it? I never co-slept but am guilty of falling asleep on the reclining sofa with a dt on my chest and dh with the other. We were simply, utterly exhausted all the time in the early stages. It's not something that should be done though. Sadly, it's not always alright.

runningforme Tue 12-Mar-13 03:22:50

Sorry for your losses chipmonkey and monty

I co-slept with all my 3 DC's, both in bed and on the sofa. Maybe some would think me careless. I did what felt most natural to me - co sleeping is far more common in cultures all over the globe than not. If you are uncomfortable with it though, then he should respect that

StuntNun Tue 12-Mar-13 04:48:20

I'm so sorry for your losses Chipmonkey and Monty. It brings it home that with SIDS you may never know the cause so if something did happen to our LO we would find it hard not to blame ourselves. Thank you for replying.

I don't think my DH is aware of the risks so I have sent him a leaflet to read. Hopefully my reaction (utter shock and telling him you can't sleep on the sofa with a baby) will have given him pause for thought. We have a perfectly good cot with a movement monitor in. I think he thought it would be easier to settle the baby like that but it set off alarm bells for me. It makes me wonder how many times he has done it before. And apart from the SIDS risk, DH had a few glasses of wine last night plus hasn't slept well for the last, oh about 16 weeks, so I would say the risk of him dropping our baby was pretty high too.

I'm so cross right now. I don't think I should have to protect my son from his daddy.

Beamur Tue 12-Mar-13 05:02:17

It is incredibly dangerous - a relative of mine (male) did this with his baby and the child was smothered and died. He had been drinking too.
Without being too dramatic, your DH really must not do this again.
I co-slept with my DD and done 'right' it is safe - but an intoxicated, tired, non bf parent on a sofa is not.
My heart goes out to you monty & chipmunk.

zippey Tue 12-Mar-13 05:31:28

I wouldnt go on about it, I think your dissaproval after this incident is enough. He wasnt aware of the risks, he has now been educated, so you should trust hm to do the correct thing.

He also should not cosleep with alchohol in his system.

thistlelicker Tue 12-Mar-13 06:06:19

Co sleeping increases the risk of SIDS no matter where u sleep! Why do people
Do it ??? If u tell me it's to increase sleep hours, then why have children? I don't think it's warranted to chuck him out but certainly a word spoken to him and information around SIDS!

BerthaKitt Tue 12-Mar-13 06:32:55

thistlelicker you are wrong. There is no link between planned co-sleeping in a safely set up bed with a sober parent, and SIDS. In our case DS wouldn't sleep unless I was holding him and I can't survive on no sleep at all so co-sleeping was infinitely safer than me accidentally falling asleep while sitting up holding him.

But what the OP's DH did is very dangerous, with at least three risk factors - on the sofa, having consumed alcohol, and not being a bf mother. He needs to acknowledge this OP.

KatieLily12 Tue 12-Mar-13 06:36:10

No thistlelicker it does not increase the risk as long as golden rules are observed, the same as they must be for a cot.

People do it to support attachment and breast feeding, not just get more sleep.

On a sofa is a big no no. In fact one of the unhelpful side effects of insisting co sleeping is dangerous is tired parents 'just resting' on the sofa because they think the bed is a risk. Making the bed safe and planning for it just in case is far safer.

Jaynebxl Tue 12-Mar-13 06:52:10

I actually think YABU. Not to belittle the concerns about co-sleeping on a sofa but because of how you reacted to DH. You are supposed to be partners working on the same side in the parenting game. Firstly it is lovely that he is so hands on, and wanted to sleep with baby. Secondly I would guess he didn't have your extensive wisdom on the subject so it would have been much kinder to go in saying sweetheart, it is lovely you want to sleep cuddling baby but actually it is really dangerous. It isn't like he was setting out to commit child abuse so while I would say YANBU in terms of your concerns, YABU in your reaction to DH. If your parenting partnership is going to work you really need to be on the same side as each other.

Jaynebxl Tue 12-Mar-13 06:54:07

"with at least three risk factors - on the sofa, having consumed alcohol, and not being a bf mother"

Bertha I'm not sure the last one counts ... Does this mean dads can never co-sleep?

The baby isn't meant to be beside them Jaynebxl. So mum, dad and baby can co sleep with mum between them, but no, dad shouldn't co sleep alone with baby.

I forget properly why, but is something to do with bf mothers hormones making them sleep more lightly, staying aware of baby whilst asleep.

378 Tue 12-Mar-13 07:21:07

I think the 'bf mother' is correct and considered safer than non bf mothers and fathers because bf mothers are - I believe, can't remember what research I read - proven to be more responsive and more aware of where the baby is in relation to their bodies. Overweight and large breasted mums though are considered a greater co sleeping risk as harder to get that same sense - I didn't cosleep as knew my giant boobs would increase the risk!

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