AIBU Mother vs MIL

(54 Posts)
AdmiralData Sun 10-Mar-13 13:28:55

In a nutshell, I am 38 weeks pregnant and am going to have a c-section tomorrow (Monday 11th). I see my dm every week and have done at least twice a week all through this pregnancy. I see my pil very rarely due to mil having two jobs that clash with husbands job. My dm told me that she would be too tired to see me yesterday as she works hard. Therefore the mil made us a nice dinner last night.
There was a small mix up with the mothers day cards, the mil got my dm and my dm got my mil. I switched them round last night but my mother (who KNEW whose cards she had) read the cards intended for mil.
She phoned me this morning, screaming at me because I apparently worship my mil and treat my own dm with no respect whatsoever because ... get this ... I UNDERLINED THE VERSES IN THE CARD A BIT DIFFERENTLY.

I bought them the exact same cards with the exact same verse and added my own little equally touching finishes to both. My 'dm' read the card deliberately and makes digs about mil whenever she can. (This behaviour is nothing new for my 'dm' she has kicked off like this throughout my pregnancy over trivial matters).
It has ruined my day and potentially tomorrow as I cannot stop blaming myself for being a vile human being. Have I been unreasonable for any of the things my 'dm' is annoyed at me for?

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 21:33:03

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1704553-Some-thoughts-about-toxic-people

Just worked out how to do links on my tablet! It's a good day grin

Herrenamakesagreatwelshcake Sun 17-Mar-13 21:30:47

Congratulations! If you have a spare minute perhaps during a night feed I suggest you have a look at the 'toxic people' thread over in Relationships. My spidey senses tell me that you will recognise more of your mother's behaviours being recounted there.... to have a go at you over something so trivial (and for it not to be totally out of character) makes her sound like a bit of a narc.

It's not you, it's her. Repeat until bored wink

Congratulations and well done! Your mum's behaviour was pretty a-maz-ing. Well done for putting it behind you! (You know you're not a vile human being, right!?)

VikingLady Sun 17-Mar-13 21:15:38

Congratulations! thanks

AdmiralData Sun 17-Mar-13 20:41:26

Euphemia - just a bit lol. He is my first child and I am still in absolute awe every time I look at him. Nothing else seems to mattersmile Ty Kinky :D

Euphemia Sun 17-Mar-13 20:34:40

Aaw congrats. smile

Puts the other stuff into perspective, doesn't it?

kinkyfuckery Sun 17-Mar-13 20:34:07

Congratulations Data

AdmiralData Sun 17-Mar-13 20:32:14

Thank you all! My baby was born safely, a healthy 9lbs. Didn't know that a c-section could be as beautiful an experience as natural birth! Oddly enough my 'dm' and her issues seem like very small fry.

flow4 Mon 11-Mar-13 09:21:31

Either your mum is nasty, or she is very frightened about her baby (you) having a CS today and is handling it badly. Only you know enough history to tell which.

But in either case, by tonight when you've got your own lovely baby, it will not be worth thinking about any more. grin Good luck today!

VikingLady Mon 11-Mar-13 09:08:02

Enjoy today - the midwives can keep unwanted visitors out!

Draw some very big boundaries with your mother because if she's like this now she'll be a hundred times worse once the baby is here.

i don't understand why you are buying and writing in a mother's day card for your MIL - surely that is for your dh to do

all the best for today, this won't matter at all once the baby has arrived

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen Mon 11-Mar-13 07:33:12

Best of luck and happiness to you today Admiral thanks, I'll be think of you smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 10-Mar-13 22:17:33

Did you mean to say
"I cannot start blaming myself for being a vile human being"?

I can't guess what's going through your mum's head but don't let it damage any closeness to your MIL. Last thing you need is being made to feel small because at a pivotal time in your marriage you're about to take a big step into your future.

Please try not to let this spoil what is a very special time. By this time tomorrow you will have a lovely DS or gorgeous DD! Can only imagine that your mum is letting her emotions run away with her. Keep calm, focus on tomorrow because you and DH will be a new family with your newborn DC. Is this your pfb, all good wishes x

MagicHouse Sun 10-Mar-13 21:58:53

I think your mum was unreasonable to scream at you the day before your c section. But, as a mum, I think I would be quite hurt if my dd (when she grows up) got her MIL identical mothers day cards to me. (And I can see how the different bits underlined, and personal messages added would probably add to the hurt.) I think your mum does sound hurt and very jealous of your relationship with your MIL.

I love being a mum, and I think mother's day is about celebrating your unique relationship with your mum, not your mother in law. Your dh should be getting and writing messages in her card.

But I think you should put it behind you for now, and I think your mum should be big enough to put it to one side while you have tomorrow to think about. Good luck with the c section.

KatOD Sun 10-Mar-13 21:57:57

Your mum clearly has "issues" (is a loon?) it's a shame she made you feel this way when this is clearly her problem.

Tomorrow this crap will all pale into insignificance... Might be worth storing it at the back of your mind so you're prepared for how she's going to be wrt your mil over your new arrival though.

Good luck tomorrow!!

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Mar-13 21:52:35

To the best mother in the world

To the best mother fucker grin wink

All the best for tomorrow! thanks

dinkystinky Sun 10-Mar-13 21:42:49

Your mum is a loon OP - ignore her craziness. Hope all goes well with your c sec.

WinkyWinkola Sun 10-Mar-13 21:40:02

Perhaps you should create a little distance between you and your mother?

She's crackers.

You don't need crackers when you have a baby.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 10-Mar-13 21:33:16

Its a card. Anyone who can kick up such a stink over a card had some serious control issues.

fairylightsinthesnow Sun 10-Mar-13 21:30:21

Can I ask why you bought and wrote the MIL card? She's not your mother, so why didn't your DH do it? All other cards we sign from all of us as a family but my mum's MD one I just sign from me, its about our relationship. Obviously your mother is being crazy and please don't let it overshadow your impending newborn's arrival.

Uppermid Sun 10-Mar-13 21:01:47

Why are you getting your mil a card, surely that's your dh job? Se then can't complain! Glad to hear you have a good relationship with her though.

Btw, your dm is being petty and ridiculous

VikingLady Sun 10-Mar-13 20:54:36

When DH or I get any grief like this (and it happens a lot!) we use it to inform us how not to act towards our DD when she grows up. It's not you, Op - it is her!

"I cannot stop blaming myself for being a vile human being."
Wow, your mother must have been kicking off at you for a very long time for you to think that way sad. You are not vile, but she is.

2rebecca Sun 10-Mar-13 19:21:09

Another reason to let your husband sort out his mother's card.
Must admit I'd rather not get a mothers day card than get one bought and signed by my DIL (assuming my son is still alive). I have 2 kids and if they can't be bothered to get me cards then I'd rather do without than get one sent by another woman out of duty.
It's a bit like the mothers sending their teenagers valentines cards so they don't feel left out thread last month. I'm an adult, I can cope with not getting a bloody card, if you aren't my child please don't send me a mother's day card.
I also object to it for feminist reasons, women shouldn't be doing their husbands jobs just because they are too lazy to do them.
I'd be happy for any DIL to send be a birthday or xmas card, but please not a mothers day card.

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