To feel uncomfortable about DD being at her dad's this weekend after incident at preschool?

(61 Posts)
BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 20:55:16

Apologies if this is a bit of a mess, please bear with me, I'm still trying to make sense of it all myself but really need some advice.

Ex-bf and I met at school and were on/off for a few years. During that time we had two DCs together, one who was stillborn and a DD who is now 3. We haven't been together since before DD was born and for various reasons ex-bf hasn't really seen DD on a regular basis until recently- for about 4 months he's been having every other weekend with her, those weekends he picks her up from preschool on Friday afternoon and brings her back on Sunday afternoon.

One of my close friends works at DD's preschool, I had a phone call from her late this afternoon, she asked to come round as she was worried about me. Apparently when ex-bf came to pick DD up from preschool this afternoon, he asked to speak to her and told her he was worried about DD and me as he has reason to believe I'm taking illegal substances and fears for DD's welfare. It is true that when the two of us first got together I was taking illegal substances, it was a difficult period of my life in which I lost my way and I'm not proud of it, however, this has not been the case since I was pregnant with DD and I would never do anything to compromise her wellbeing. My friend is now in a difficult position as she is obliged to report any concerns given the history but doesn't believe there is any truth in it thankfully, she was very supportive.

Ex-bf has hinted to my mum recently that he wanted to push for more custody, ideally 50/50, but nothing has been said to me about it and I naively assumed as it hadn't been mentioned for a few weeks it wasn't serious.

DD is now going to be spending the whole weekend with this man after the episode at preschool. AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about her being there with him given what's happened or do I need to just pull myself together and treat what was said at preschool pick up as a separate incident?

BriAndLottie Sun 10-Mar-13 20:33:47
BriAndLottie Sun 10-Mar-13 20:33:12

There have been progressions today, I've started a thread in the relationships section here: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1704833-Terrified-of-ex-bfs-lies-to-get-more-custody-advice-needed#37747086

Thank you so much everyone for your support so far.

mattysmum09 Sun 10-Mar-13 09:27:20

Agree with everyone else on here..some great advice what a nasty piece of work he is poor u having to deal with him and especialy as he hasn't helped u til now and u. 've done it all by yourself then he thinks he can waltz bak in and slag off your parenting abilities:-/ makes me hate some men I tell u! They have no idea and could he even cope anyway...? No way should he get more than bare minimum because thats what some really good dads get. Also defo get proof that ur clean. And maybe support if stress can make u feel like reaching for something. I have my own demons and sometimes wen everyone points the finger it can make u think well why the hell not then? But atleast with u everyone who matters knows its not true. Be strong u will get through this and u can forget about him until his eow access in future xx

spiritedaway Sun 10-Mar-13 00:47:07

Don't go round to get your child. Chances are it will all kick off. You will be emotional and he will be calm because he is trying to play you and that is what he wants. I got arrested under similar circumstances then i learnt. Be calm. Do not fall into his trap and do not show he has got you spooked or he will ramp it up.

spiritedaway Sun 10-Mar-13 00:42:48

Gold is exactly right. . although it is scary when people start throwing mud OP the courts see it all every day. The fists question would be why did he see fit to abandon his daughter with such an unfit mother. Ignore. The damage happens when innocent people like yourself spin out and then things can spiral. Believe in yourself. Be strong and answer any allegations if they are made. Unfortunately courts and social services spend much time and resources dealing with people like your ex. Been there. X

yellowbrickrd Sat 09-Mar-13 23:24:54

I wonder where this stuff is coming from then? Is there any chance at all that he believes what he is saying or is it purely because he wants more contact?

It must be a horrible feeling for you but at least you know she will be home tomorrow and then you will have two weeks to take solid advice and get your case together. I'm glad you've got your mum there to support you smile. Try to keep it together for your dd sake, you have proved before how strong you are by getting off drugs and you need to be strong now.

Keep posting on here to air your worries and also perhaps in Relationships as i suggested - people are very knowledgeable and kind.

Illustrationaddict Sat 09-Mar-13 23:18:32

I think your friend should tell your ex that due to your friendship, he should refer the issue to the head. It wasn't faire of him to specifically ask to speak to her about it knowing your friendship. It sounds like he's trying to manipulate her, and the fact that she rang you with her concerns makes it sound like he's a very convincing liar which would seriously bother me. I would call his bluff. Next time he comes to pick dd up, have your friend in the house. Front him on what he's said in front of your friend, ask for dates/ examples of where & when you allegedly took these substances, don't get emotional, remain calm, and make darn sure you have a good think of where you've been, who you've seen over the last few months so you can recall to him on the spot why he's wrong. All this in front of your friend.

BriAndLottie Sat 09-Mar-13 23:15:58

We were on/off for a few years before DD was born, we haven't been together since then but getting on well, yes.

I know that really yellow, it's so tempting though sad

DD and I still live with my mum, not my bio mum, she was my foster carer after I started getting help as a teenager, so she knows better than anyone the difference in my behaviour when I'm using and when I'm not, she knows it's absolute rubbish. She's not replied yet as he's left it so late, going to text him tomorrow morning saying politely that no, she has no concerns whatsoever.

I don't reallly know what he's playing at now if I'm honest, it's a bit scary :/

yellowbrickrd Sat 09-Mar-13 23:02:48

How have you been getting on before this? Has it been building up or has it been amicable and this is out of the blue?

You know if you go and get her now it will probably result in an ugly showdown that he will use against you and your dd will presumably be asleep so you don't want to wake her to witness her parents all upset.

What did your Mum say to him?

BriAndLottie Sat 09-Mar-13 22:52:50

He's texted my mum this evening to ask her if she has any concerns about me being using again angry So tempted to go and pick DD up now and get her out of there, really don't like the way this is going sad

midastouch Sat 09-Mar-13 21:25:56

What a nasty wanker man. Hes using your past to try and get 50/50 custody (at least) i think you are more than reasonable to give him every other weekend given the fact that he hasnt particularly bothered with her up til 4 months ago.
Get advice monday but i wouldnt worry too much about his lies, plus it wont look good on him if hes making things up! He has to remember that your DD will know this when shes older and i doubt she'll be too pleased!

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Mar-13 21:09:13

Just another poster who feels the same smile

- don't reply to the text
- don't offer him anymore time with her
- see a solictor on monday
- see your GP on monday
- don't let him know about any of it
- if he says anything when he brings her back tomorrow, just say, we can discuss it later, not now.

If he was a half way decent Dad he would have asked if you wanted him to bring her back tonight or first thing tomorrow so she could spend Mother's Day with you and he'd bring her back with a card and a present - not be sending you stupid texts about 50/50 custody. Git.

In the meantime, try not to worry. He's just being a wanker like many before him - the courts have seen it all. He wont get 50/50.

Small niggle - is there any chance that this friend is seeing your ex and between them they are trying to stir up trouble for you?

If you want something to focus on until tomorrow afternoon - go and buy a diary & a journal. In the diary make notes about what happened today - including his text and note the times he's had contact, anything he's done that wasn't as it should have been (not turned up, brought her back late etc) and in the journal write down what happened from when you found out you were pregnant. It may come in useful and it's very good for you.

You were a kid when you did the drugs - don't let the worry of that rule your life now. You have done really well to stay off of them and bring up your DD yourself - you should be really proud, don't let this asswipe bring you down.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 20:48:27

I quite agree, slowly slowly catchy monkey.

But a drug test from the gp would help should she need to prove anything

WilsonFrickett Sat 09-Mar-13 20:45:25

Yy Sock. But the courts are not stupid. If it even gets that far. He could well be doing it for shits and giggles, which is why the op needs to keep her cards to her chest, IMO.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 19:44:48

Wilson's right.

If I thought my ex was taking drugs I would not hand the child over to him court order or not until I had brought that info before the court, should I see my ex on drugs whilst dc was in their care dc would be picked up and removed with no doubt remaining as to why.

WilsonFrickett Sat 09-Mar-13 19:30:35

If he though you were really taking drugs, the normal response would be to push for full residency. He's dicking you around - the courts will know that too. Please try not to worry, keep it together, say nothing, and quietly follow all all the advice you've been given here. And no need to talk to your friend about it either.

flippinada Sat 09-Mar-13 19:10:37

Unless you think your DD is genuinely in any sort of danger or he may not bring her back then don't go and pick her up early.

I expect he is trying to upset you. It's a really nasty, cruel trick to try and use your past against you like this, especially as he behaved in similar way himself. And if he's so concerned about your unsuitability as a mother, where has he been for the last couple of years? hmm

As I said, should it come to it, courts will see through behaviour like this.

I would keep a diary and a note of his behaviour from now on, just in case you need it. Try not to react to any provocation.

BriAndLottie Sat 09-Mar-13 18:26:25

There have been no concerns about my ability to look after DD in the past, no, although it was thought that my substance abuse may have contributed towards our first child being stillborn, there were other factors though.

A 50/50 split would most likely involve his mother looking after DD while he's at work, which I would NOT be comfortable with. He lives within walking distance though so wouldn't affect school etc.

Zavi- brilliant suggestion, thank you, I'm going to book an appointment on Monday.

He definitely knows the nursery teacher and I are friends, the three of us were at school together before ex-bf and I went off the rails.

I desperately want to go and get DD but can't come up with a reasonable excuse, going to have to leave her I think sad

flippinada Sat 09-Mar-13 12:17:39

I do sympathise, this must be very upsetting for you. You've already been given good advice above - definitely don't respond to his text.

It's entirely possible he will mention it when he drops your DD off or you collect her in an attempt to provoke. If he does, don't react, just day yes you have received it but you need time to think, or you don't want to comment...anything neutral really.
I had similar from my XP who tried to get residence on the grounds that I was mentally unstable (because I had suffered with anxiety and PND) and had a chaotic lifestyle - non of which was true and which was seen through by the courts.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 10:29:31

Oh and you were a minor when you were using drugs and havent used as a adult that does make a difference, he however has used as an adult when he had children.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 10:24:02

The poster up thread is correct by saying that concerns should be raised with parents unless doing so places the child at risk same as not doing ss referrals as a agency in secret unless secrecy is needed.

I wouldn't respond to the text just take legal advice and medical advice ASAP. I'm hoping nothing would show on a drug test other that prescribed (to you) medication? If so then you have no worries.

And I know 50/50 comes across as the holy grail sometimes on here and it can appear that is what courts routinely order ect but its not. Its rarely ordered when both parents aren't on board with it and according to gingerbread ( lone parent charity) every other weekend with a additional week day evening for children who want it is more the norm.

NoTimeForS Sat 09-Mar-13 10:08:58

Yes that's true that an overnight right away would be much too soon. 4 months isn't any time at all.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 09-Mar-13 09:11:01

How much of what your friend said do you actually know to be the truth?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Mar-13 07:56:13

Do not offer any change until after legal advice, not an extra night or anything. He has only been around 4 months, he needs to take it steady for your daughter's sake.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Mar-13 07:54:32

Don't respond to his text at all. He is trying to wind you up and get you to respond. He is not very subtle is he? He knew your friend would tell you. Ignore, ignore, ignore him - and get legal advice!

Texting at 11:30pm is the sign of craziness not sensible parenting decisions! Keep a full record of everything, diarise everything for the solicitor.

Tell him nothing. Have a friend with you at drop off time If possible. Do not argue with him. Keepit calm til you know where you stand.

If he is lying about you to people, his is a prat, I agree seek advice on relationships board.

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