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to still avoid the woman who bullied me in school?

(110 Posts)
Theicingontop Fri 08-Mar-13 17:44:22

I was bullied by one girl in school, she was the classic bully, very popular. Pushed me into muddy puddles, stole my things and threw them into bins, physically attacked me as well as spreading quite vicious (for our age) rumours about me. She wasn't pleasant to many people outside her loyal pack of friends, but I seemed to be her main target. It was completely unprovoked, based solely on the fact that I looked and dressed differently. It damaged my school life quite considerably to the point where for the last two years I barely attended, and though I went back a couple of years later to retake them, it ruined my chances at passing my GCSEs. I was an anxious, depressed mess.

Fast forward to our mid-twenties and we still live in the same town. I see her regularly in town, and I avoid avoid avoid. I won't make eye contact, I won't acknowledge her presence. She was in the queue behind me the other day and I didn't even look in her direction, I just don't want to see her face. It's actually still quite painful to think of all that she put me through, for nothing, just for her enjoyment.

I went to a gig with an old friend recently, a rare night out for both of us. This woman was there too, because apparently in recent years she's gotten over her aversion to 'disgusting grungers who don't wash and wear goff makeup', and has married the drummer in a local band that was playing that night. The woman came over to us, and hugged my friend. I realised who it was and walked away without a word.

Friend defended her, in her words "She's alright now, she's really changed. We get on really well now." Now, this woman targeted my friend too, albeit not as severely as me, so I'm at a loss trying to understand why my friend would suddenly want this woman in her life. Yes, it happened years ago, but I just don't understand the need.

Friend thinks I am being completely unreasonable, and living in the past. I don't think I am, in fact I've gone long ways to put the past behind me and never think about those terrible years. I just don't feel the need to have the woman that tormented me for years, in my life. So it seems this woman is part of the same social circle now. Am I being unreasonable in not acknowledging her?

BoffinMum Sun 10-Mar-13 10:17:37

A good response to bullies is to live well.

You have to remember the reason they bullied you is because you represent everything they want to be.

ShellyBoobs Sun 10-Mar-13 11:05:19

A good response to bullies is to live well.

How true!

I too was a victim of relentless bullying. In my case it was due to having a cleft lip and a shitty upbringing (scruffy uniform, unkempt appearance, parents who basically didn't care).

I left home and hauled myself through university while working full time in crap jobs and I now have a fantastic career and a lovely DH and DD.

I take great delight in occasionally seeing some of the bitches who made my life hell both in and out of school as they're all total fucking wasters with what appears to be utterly shit lives. Although, I do find myself hoping their lives are even shitter than the glimpses I get of them. grin

There is no way on Earth I would ever, ever forgive or forget. Absolutely none whatsoever.

MagratOfStolat Sun 10-Mar-13 11:52:39

takes bow

Thanks all, I'm here for the foreseeable future ;)
I just wish I had the guts to say it to her in person, but she had a tendency to be violent. Oh well, my revenge worked perfectly grin

DrCoconut Sun 10-Mar-13 13:52:09

I was picked on by a boy at school (among others). The worst thing he ever said was that I was so ugly my dad had died of a heart attack because he realised what he'd helped bring into the world. I was grieving for my dad still and I was constantly taunted about my looks. That unbelievable cruel remark stayed with me and utterly destroyed what little self esteem I had left. It took years to rebuild it. So YWNBU to have punched her lights out never mind walked away. If any 35 year old bloke reading this recognises themself by the way I am over it now but I haven't forgotten you and wouldn't lower myself to p**s on you if you we're on fire. Oooh angry and bitter emoticon!

ShellyBoobs Sun 10-Mar-13 13:54:51

Hopefully your bully is living the utterly shit-filled life he deserves, DrCoconut

Snowme Sun 10-Mar-13 14:05:00

I often wonder about these scenarios.

I wasn't bullied at at school but have have experiencd personal bullying in my adult life and also on online forums and Facebook.

I have considered confronting them in person (the facebook ones who I know in real life) but I can imagine it wouldn't be the restorative scenario I hope for, but that they'd either walk off embarrassed claiming not to know anything about it, utter a few choice swear words (and walk off), or just ignore me, or worse, laugh.

I suspect it's highly unlikely they'd look busted, explain their behaviour and apologise. If they were that reasonably minded they wouldn't have been bullies in the first place :/

drudgewithagrudge Sun 10-Mar-13 16:22:42

I was badly bullied by a family member at school and it had affected may life so that I have no self confidence and have made stupid choices with friends both male and female just to have someone like me. The bullying also destroyed my faith in my parents especially my father who knew what was going on but refused to help me.

I have not seen my bullying relative very often over the years, only weddings and funerals. Everyone else in the family likes her and she has loads of friends. I doubt if she ever gives a moment's thought to what she put me through and in fact when she introduced me to her grown up daughter said,"This is drudge. We were friends at school".

The thing is that it would be no good having it out with her now we are grown up because it's the little girl I want the row with.

auntpetunia Sun 10-Mar-13 17:33:39

I met mine recently at a high school reunion! She looked very different) and another girl dragged her to our group of friends and covering the name lalbel said guess who this is..... I took one look and said " it's Porky pig the school bitch who bullied us for 3 years! Why would we want to talk to her? " and then I just stood and stared at her till she went away very red faced and flustered. She tried you make out it was all joke and such a long time ago, she couldn't believe I'd bring it up. My 2 friends who also had shit of her just looked scared. I was only scared I was gonna smack her if she didn't go way.

sansastark Sun 10-Mar-13 17:43:01

Maybe it's just me, but I can't help thinking that - for a lot of ex-bullies - finding out that they emotionally scarred you for life will just give them an even bigger ego than they have already (I don't have a lot of faith in their better nature!) What'll really piss them off is thinking you've forgotten all about them, and they were nowhere near as important in your life as they imagined.

So when a couple of girls who made my life a misery back at school friend-requested me on Facebook and sent me 'hey how's it going' style messages, I just accepted the request and wrote back as if they were any other fleeting, sort-of-remember-the-name acquaintance from back in the day... one of them actually apologised for being horrible to me, and I said something along the lines of 'were you? don't worry, that was ages ago, I'd forgotten all about it!'--I really, really haven't--

Can't help thinking this casual throwaway indifference is a far more effective and crushing response than going into a vengeful monologue that'll just make you look like an emotionally disturbed bunny boiling nutter grin

But I guess we've all got our own ways of coping with these things, and bullying does have a terrible impact all the way through your life (why can't my ex-bullies have had the decency to become drug addicts and Jeremy Kyle show types, all of mine inherited shitloads of money and married bankers!! moral of the story, don't send your kids to expensive private schools, as the fundamental rules of karma and narrative justice don't apply within their ivy-veined walls...sad')

Ginebra Sun 10-Mar-13 19:05:58

sansastark, yeah i had a girl apologise to me on fb, 20 odd years later, but i said to her "the way i remember it i gave back as good as i got. I was better with insults, you were good at dirty looks, lol". which was TRUE. She used to mock the music I was into (wham, a-ha, bananarama!) and i found it so tedious. she was a MOD, and I was thinking 'fuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkk off and let me be me and you can get on with being you, or is that too confusing, do you know where 'you' begin and end??'. She is still an absolute fruitcake, spilling her guts out on fb. It's tragic.

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