to still avoid the woman who bullied me in school?

(110 Posts)
Theicingontop Fri 08-Mar-13 17:44:22

I was bullied by one girl in school, she was the classic bully, very popular. Pushed me into muddy puddles, stole my things and threw them into bins, physically attacked me as well as spreading quite vicious (for our age) rumours about me. She wasn't pleasant to many people outside her loyal pack of friends, but I seemed to be her main target. It was completely unprovoked, based solely on the fact that I looked and dressed differently. It damaged my school life quite considerably to the point where for the last two years I barely attended, and though I went back a couple of years later to retake them, it ruined my chances at passing my GCSEs. I was an anxious, depressed mess.

Fast forward to our mid-twenties and we still live in the same town. I see her regularly in town, and I avoid avoid avoid. I won't make eye contact, I won't acknowledge her presence. She was in the queue behind me the other day and I didn't even look in her direction, I just don't want to see her face. It's actually still quite painful to think of all that she put me through, for nothing, just for her enjoyment.

I went to a gig with an old friend recently, a rare night out for both of us. This woman was there too, because apparently in recent years she's gotten over her aversion to 'disgusting grungers who don't wash and wear goff makeup', and has married the drummer in a local band that was playing that night. The woman came over to us, and hugged my friend. I realised who it was and walked away without a word.

Friend defended her, in her words "She's alright now, she's really changed. We get on really well now." Now, this woman targeted my friend too, albeit not as severely as me, so I'm at a loss trying to understand why my friend would suddenly want this woman in her life. Yes, it happened years ago, but I just don't understand the need.

Friend thinks I am being completely unreasonable, and living in the past. I don't think I am, in fact I've gone long ways to put the past behind me and never think about those terrible years. I just don't feel the need to have the woman that tormented me for years, in my life. So it seems this woman is part of the same social circle now. Am I being unreasonable in not acknowledging her?

LynetteScavo Fri 08-Mar-13 20:26:43

YANBU. I would be the same and I'm 15 years older than you.

I was in a similar situation in my mid 20's. I think some of the people who bullied me honestly don't realise how unhappy they made me. But why should I be nice to them. I even secretly feel glad when I hear their lives aren't great

ModreB Fri 08-Mar-13 20:36:39

I was bullied at school by a group, horribly.

I married the lad that one of the Bully's really liked. She was horrified when she found out, several years later, that we were together. We are still together after nearly 3 decades.

I turned down the job application for one of the Bully's (I didn't know at the time it was her)

I stood across the court as a witness (I was on the right side, she was on the wrong (convicted) side) from another of the group of Bully's. I won.

Living life well really works grin

TheDeadlyDonkey Fri 08-Mar-13 20:45:26

I wouldn't piss on one of my bullies if they were on fire.
YANBU at all.

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:45:48

I was bullied very badly at school by a few people but one girl was very vocal and VERY vicious about the fact that i didnt shave my legs (mum wouldnt allow me to) it was vicious.
DH actually used to be married to her sister as well as being her godfather. Just after we started dating when we realised we both knew her i remember DH saying "she was a right PITA at home as well grin

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:47:28

@ModreB Bet it felt good.

PurpleStorm Fri 08-Mar-13 21:00:46

YANBU.

I would be doing the exact same thing. Your friend is being unreasonable to say you're living in the past. Bully may have changed, but personally I wouldn't see any good reason to let someone who'd treated me so badly back into my life at all.

smileymam Fri 08-Mar-13 21:05:09

A girl who bullied me comes into where I work and I have to serve her, years ago I was petrified of her,she is a few years older and still as rough as she was then, I think she was so horrible to so many she doesn't actually remember picking on me even though she once slapped me across the face as I was getting off a bus as she got. Can honestly say though I am not in the least bit frightened of her now, and wish I told my parents about it. Yanbu to feel this way, but please don't let think that she still gets to you.

ozymandiusking Fri 08-Mar-13 21:07:24

Carry on as you are doing. Ignore her, don't acknowledge her at all.
Leopards do not change their spots!

Purple2012 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:36

I was bullied, by a girl who was often my friend but then would turn against me for a stupid reason. I saw her a few years after we left school and she said she had been a bitch at school. Fast forward 20 years, she adds me on Facebook, we have a brief conversation. Then one day I realised that half of my problems in adulthood - the need to please and be liked come from my treatment at school. So I deleted her.

So yanbu. Not everyone is a bully so the 'she was only a kid' doesn't wash with me.

HerLordship Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:38

I too would just carry on ignoring her. I would also question my friendship with your other friend who stuck up for her. she should be supportive.

I was bullied at school, and although I speak to some that were on the outskirts of the bullies circle, the main couple I refuse to speak to. They have both sent my FB friend requests, which were swiftly declined, and I don't acknowledge them if I see them anywhere. They don't intimidate me, but there is no way in the world I am going to speak to any of them.

Timetoask Fri 08-Mar-13 21:23:40

I haven't interest in any tpe of friendship with my school bullies. I am 40 now! Grown up enough to know that i only need a few good people in my life and not a large number of leopards.
I have a good life, success is the biggest form of revenge. Forget about this,person, work on your life and acheiving your goals, filling your life with people that are positive for you!

limitedperiodonly Fri 08-Mar-13 21:28:23

It's entirely up to you how you want to behave.

Is it right you're in your mid-twenties? I was bullied at school and once I got more confidence I dealt with it by jumping on anyone I thought was trying it on. And I was ruthless with old bullies who made the mistake of thinking I'd let bygones be bygones.

I now know that at least until my 20s I was too sensitive and aggressive. But you can't avoid that because horrible things have happened to you. And no, I don't regret blanking old bullies.

You're fine as you are and you'll get better as you get older and learn that there are lots of nice people in the world and you're worth knowing.

Good luck and fuck her grin

Maggie111 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:56:58

No I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd not argue about it with your social circle because I genuinely believe she might have changed and you wont convince them. But who gives a crap if she has?! Your memory hasn't changed and I completely understand why it hurts to look at her sad

To be fair, it is sad that you will spend your life feeling such active hate against her, I wonder if some therapy or NLP might help stop some of the negativity you must feel so often when you encounter her.

It's not worth having any more of your life taken up thinking about her.

Nanny0gg Fri 08-Mar-13 22:03:21

I am old enough to be your mum, OP, and YADNBU.
I was bullied at school and one particular girl (my 'best' friend on a good day, and an absolute cow on a bad one) tried to get back in touch on Friends Reunited.
I briefly fell for her pleasantries until something started between her and a bloke from our class. Then, for some reason, the piss-taking started again. It brought back all the unpleasant memories until I cut myself off from the pair of them.
In my view, school bullies do immeasurable damage and they don't grow out of the mindset. And it's 40-odd years since I left.

You do what you're comfortable with. And your friend should be more sympathetic.

PoppyWearer Fri 08-Mar-13 22:08:13

YADNBU.

I am nearly 40 and struggling with seeing my bullies on Facebook. One I had the sense not to friend, two of the others I really need to block as they are living blissfully happy lives with beautiful children and successful media careers (dahling) and I remember how shit they made me feel and how they killed my confidence as a pre-teen and I want to cry...

Cherriesarelovely Fri 08-Mar-13 22:26:51

I would do the same. It sounds as if you had a bloody awful time at the hands of this woman and it's a shame you still bump into her now. I went to a high school reunion last year and the school bullies were there (must admit I wasn't a particular target of theirs but many were). I didn't speak to them but a friend of mine did and apparently they "can't remember" bullying people.....yeah, right!

A bloke that bullied my brother mercilessly at school asked me out a couple of years later and much later tried to friend me on fbook!!! I ignored him but felt like replying, "are you fucking joking"!!!!

Yanbu, that is for sure.

filingdrivesmemad Fri 08-Mar-13 22:27:06

YANBU would it help if you went on a course/learned about body language so you can project a really strong powerful stance even if inside you still want to walk away? because you may not always be able in some circs to walk away, and you can still feel powerful and tell her to f off without words.

pigletmania Fri 08-Mar-13 22:31:06

Yanbu at all. You have every right not to speak or be friends with her.

mrsmillsfanclub Fri 08-Mar-13 22:40:51

Yanbu.
I was bullied in secondary school by a very nasty girl & her group of friends. It has affected my confidence ever since (I always feel very plain & dull, even now sometimes). I got the shock of my life when I discovered I was teaching one of her dc ! She was embarrassingly friendly and acted as though we had been life long buddies, but I was polite and very aloof. Part of me wanted her dc to be as vile as she had been (karma??) but they are in fact lovely.
I still detest her though & know that although she is now middle aged with a family she probably still has that vicious streak hidden inside somewhere.

Pilgit Fri 08-Mar-13 22:41:54

Totally get where you're coming from. I would not be able to countenance the people that made my life hell at school. People do change and bullies are capable of remorse. However if you're in the same social circle and she knows the crap she put you through I would hope she's big enough to acknowledge it and apologise. If you won't be able to avoid her, confront it or it will eat it away at you. You don't need the damage that bitterness can do. But YANBU!

Fourkisses Fri 08-Mar-13 22:42:32

YANBU.
I'd be looking forward to the day someone tried to introduce me to her so I could say 'oh yes I know xxxx. She bullied me at school and made my life a living hell'. Let her squirm!
Your friend is BU expecting you to be friends with her now

Pilgit Fri 08-Mar-13 22:43:53

p.s. I have great enjoyment in ignoring their friend requests on facebook - childish? probably, but why would I want to know about them now? I don't need facebook friends!

springlamb Fri 08-Mar-13 22:44:07

I was bullied from September 1979 through to December 1979. My mum changed my school as the Head and staff were totally ineffective. The bullies names were Lorraine, Jane x 2, Lucy, Tracey and Samantha (oh, she thought she was so special). The bullying took place during school and most of the other students were too intimidated to intervene, before and after school during the 1 hour public bus trip, and even when I pretended to be ill because I couldn't cope, they would come out of school and phone me from the phone box.
I was happier when I changed schools, but I don't think I have ever really trusted women other than my sisters. I don't have 'lifelong' friends or BFFs, no thanks.
So no, YANBU.
I admit I felt some sympathy when I heard one of them's husband had been murdered in a drunken brawl, leaving her alone with small children. Did I send a sympathy card? No, too busy getting on with my own life, scarred enough by them.

Darkesteyes Fri 08-Mar-13 23:24:51

Talking of bullies if you are up late tonight and fancy seeing a bully get her comeuppance in the end Channel 4 are showing Cruel Intentions at midnight.

GreenEggsAndNichts Fri 08-Mar-13 23:26:13

YANBU. If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same. Though, I'd probably just stand there and stare through her, if it makes sense. I wouldn't allow her to take over my life again.

Your friend is BU. At the very least, for the sake of politeness and yadda yadda, she should realise you deserve an apology from this person before you can continue ignoring her move on. I would never expect a friend to magically be friends or even nice to someone who had shoved her around physically and mentally throughout her teens. Yes, I realise teen girls can be horrible (I was one, and yes I was horrible at times to other girls, though usually as a pre-emptive strike) but it sounds as if she was well over the line.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now