To Tell My Mum That I Don't Want To Celebrate Mother's Day?

(49 Posts)
judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 16:48:16

I've just spoken to my DM on the phone.

They are coming down to visit tomorrow and I was asking when they would be heading home. She said they would stay later in the day than normal given that it's a special day.

We have had 6 rounds of fertility treatment resulting in an ectopic and a miscarriage and heehaw else.

I said that we didn't want to make a big fuss of the day and she wanted to know why not. I had to spell out that it was quite difficult because I so wanted to be a mum and each year I kept thinking this would be the last Mother's Day that I wasn't a mum and it also made me think of the babies that I'd lost.

My DM said that she didn't understand my attitude because I still have a mum - her own mum died 12 years ago - and I should be glad of that. She just didn't get where I was coming from at all.

So, AIBU and selfish? I have got her, my stepmum and my MIL a card each if that counts for anything?

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:51:38

As a mother I am shocked that she doesn't want to make this time as easy and smooth for you as possible. I am really sorry that you are a mum without a child, it must feel very raw.

Mothers day is such a bloody hallmark event anyway, am I the only person who couldn't give a shit about it?

YANBU to feel the way you do, but I don't think SIBU to want to spend the day with you either, especially as it's probably a hard day for her too.
Sorry, sitting on the fence isn't helpful, but I'm sorry for your losses thanks I hope you get through the day however you need to.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:01

It isn't that I'm not happy to spend the day with her, it's just that I can't face going out to lunch and seeing all the other women with their children and special Mother's Day menus and things. I'm happy to see her in herself.

Groovee Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:20

I'm on the fence as it's obviously a day which you find hard, but doesn't your mum deserve to be a wee bit spoiled too?

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:57:42

IMO her mum WOULD deserve to be spoiled if what she had said when she called was "I thought we would just spend time at yours/mine and have a nice lunch, I know this must be a hard day..do you want to talk about it?". To expect to be spoiled at the expense of her daughters feelings is downright bratty.

I might be wrong but thats not the vibe I get from the OP

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:55

I guess it's that she was genuinely oblivious to the idea that I might find it a hard day. I had to explain why and she still couldn't see why I would feel that way.

TheSeniorWrangler Thu 07-Mar-13 17:18:18

While i have every sympathy for you, it must be horrid and devastating, and i can completely understand your pain.. i do have to ask a hard question.

are you saying that because you are having trouble conceiving that your mother should never expect you to make a fuss of her on mothers day ever again? Do your feelings trump hers?

You are not a mother, but she is.. doesn't she deserve some recognition?

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:34:30

It's a reasonable question. Do my feelings trump hers?

I think in general I'm a good daughter and do go out of my way to make a fuss of her on her birthday etc, but this has been an horrendous year and I just can't face it being rubbed in my face.

I am upset that she didn't even get that it would be difficult, even after I explained to her. I should say that I wouldn't normally see her on Mother's Day because she lives a few hours away.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 07-Mar-13 17:36:47

Ouch judy did you miss the miscarriage bit?! She is a mum but her babies sleeping

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 07-Mar-13 17:38:24

Sorry judy quoted the wrong name there! Let's try again
Senior wrangler did you miss the miscarriage bit?

TheSeniorWrangler Thu 07-Mar-13 17:38:43

no, the op said it herself in her op. "this would be the last Mother's Day that I wasn't a mum"

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:39:42

No, you are not being unreasonable.

If I was you, I would do something else altogether on Mothers' Day and meet her next weekend.

We had years of infertility and I found Mothers' Day (and Christmas) to be horrendous sad. I think it is terrible that your mother doesn't understand this.

Wrangler, have you got children? And did you suffer from years of infertility, because if you didn't it is hard to understand how devastating it can be

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:39:45

Thanks Can't that did make me flinch - but I wondered if I was being oversensitive.

BTW Cocacola that's exactly how I feel - a mum with no babies - I feel pathetic.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:40:43

I'm so sorry that your mother isn't more understanding, and I don't think you are being unreasonable or insensitive at all.

SirBoobAlot Thu 07-Mar-13 17:41:36

YANBU. <hugs> to you.

nomoreplease Thu 07-Mar-13 17:43:24

I do think you are being slightly unreasonable, coming from someone who lost her mum before her first birthday this time of year is awfully hard but to me is about celebrating your mum and all she gave you and all she does for you. Not what your children bring to you.

But I do understand your yearning for a child and actually being a mum.

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:44:08

I certainly was not saying that you were pathetic. WTH did that come from? x

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:47:00

Pick a different day to spoil her, card and chocolates and flowers on the day, going out somewhere on another day.
My OH had to persuade my mum that it was OK to celebrate Mothers' day the year after he lost both of his parents. She didn't want to upset him.
I can't imagine my DD going through what you have without me empathising along with her and trying to be as supportive as possible.

judybloomers Thu 07-Mar-13 17:47:49

No no Cocacola I know you weren't calling me pathetic - I do feel like a mother with no children, but I feel pathetic for feeling that way when I see mothers with their real live children.

It sounds like most people are saying that IABU, maybe so, but I guess I feel I should be able to be unreasonable once in a while and my mum shoulds understand.

Maryz Thu 07-Mar-13 17:52:47

No, you are NOT being unreasonable.

Anyone who is saying you are is just plain WRONG [gavel]. And unless they have had years of infertility and miscarriage they have no right to an opinion.

Mothers' Day is crap for those who are ttc. And it's pretty crap for those whose relationship with their children has broken down as well. And no-one who is feeling crap should be forced to celebrate a day that makes them feel crapper.

DragonMamma Thu 07-Mar-13 17:55:31

I can appreciate that it's hard for you, given your fertility problems to date. But if she's a good mum otherwise I think you need to put your (valid) feelings aside and celebrate that you do have your mum, many don't and anything can happen at any time so I would try if I were you.

girlwiththedragon Thu 07-Mar-13 17:58:31

OP you are NOT being unreasonable your mum is being insensitive. If my children were in your position I would give up every single mothers day forever (it's shit anyway). Feel for you ignore mother's day it's false and crap

Honestly, yes, you are being a bit selfish. Sometimes you have to be and other people have to understand.

Your mother is being very insensitive and not even trying to understand how you feel. My mother did something similar the first mothers day after my son died, she called to moan that I hadn't marked the day and she was still my mother and deserved recognition. I was keeping it together by a thread and the last thing I needed was to have to consider anyone elses feelings.

Sometimes you just need to think about yourself, I think this is one of those occasions.

I hope the day is as gentle as it can be for you thanks

girlwiththedragon Thu 07-Mar-13 17:59:27

I mean I feel for you I really do

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now