To wonder why people get so het up about DCs not being invited to weddings?

(207 Posts)
DioneTheDiabolist Wed 06-Mar-13 22:31:16

Two people are getting married. They are having a party that they are paying for. So why can't they invite whoever they wish without being called Bridezilla or causing offense?

I understand that some parents can't get sitters or that sitters will cost money. What I don't get is why such parents just don't wish them the best and decline the invitation as it doesn't suit.confused

VestaCurry Thu 07-Mar-13 00:02:48

Having kids is a good excuse not to have the faff and expense of child-free weddings.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Mar-13 00:04:03

YANBU - as long as the bride and groom don't get snippy over people declining due to it being child free.

Personally I prefer child free weddings and would have one myself if I ever got married.

bedmonster Thu 07-Mar-13 00:06:15

Mimikos I understand that you don't have anyone you can leave your DC with, but when you say 'We have no one' then presumably either you or your DP could stay home while the other went to the wedding? It's about seeing your friends get married, couldn't the person closest to the bride or groom still go?

DP and I really enjoy going to weddings without the DC, and used it as a rare chance to let our hair down and relax without them, though as I said upthread, I do appreciate that we have family willing to have the DC. Saying that though, it's not often that we get invited to weddings as most of our friends have decided to 'live in sin' - ourselves included grin

Nokidshere sounds like an excellent plan even though kids were invited!

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 07-Mar-13 00:17:15

But it isn't a deliberate attempt to exclude anyone.hmm.

I get it if you are complaining that your friend is being off with you because you couldn't come. But for anyone to be off with the host because they can't bring who they like is not on.

No?confused

Op without reading all the responses because they would make me cross our wedding was no children except for 3 nephews. We had lots of friends with young children. Our reasoning was space (venue could only cater for a certain number which would have been blown away if we had included children) and that we wanted an 'adult' party where our friends could relax/have a drink/have fun. None of our friends (to our knowledge) were cross... many looked forward to and enjoyed a weekend away and a lie in. We appreciated the people who couldn't make it due to childcare, and we did not expect presents because we appreciate childcare for our party is expensive and not necessarily what people would choose to spend their money on. Other than that it is at the prerogative of the invitation receiver... if you don't like it don't go imho

HouseOfBears Thu 07-Mar-13 00:27:28

If people want childfree weddings that's fine, but what really bugs me, as someone said earlier, is when they dress it up as doing you some massive favour so you can "let your hair down". They are perfectly entitled to have the wedding however they like, but to a lot of people with children, childfree is a huge inconvenience and not a reason to jump for joy with relief that you can leave the pesky kids at home!

MimikosPanda Thu 07-Mar-13 00:28:48

Bedmonster We have done that for weddings that are local but we haven't for weddings that are weekend away weddings. If I desperately wanted to go to a particular wedding we could do that but I wouldn't want to.

It's no big issue and I don't begrudge them their choice of wedding or anything, I was just trying to get across that in our experience most couples work on the assumption that you have someone to leave your kids with.

MimikosPanda Thu 07-Mar-13 00:32:41

I should add that for a family wedding one of us travelled long haul to attend, leaving the other behind with the DC, not something we want to do again!

Startail Thu 07-Mar-13 00:44:59

Because a wedding isn't just a party, it's a public legal and sometimes religious commitment to each other.

Traditionally you share that commitment and belief in the importance of being a monogamous couple with your friends, family and community.

To me it feels very wrong to exclude children from witnessing one of the things that forms part of our heritage and is part of the glue that holds society together.

That Weddings have become not family celebrations, but a huge game of one upmanship is very sad.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 07-Mar-13 00:54:53

Starship, so do you believe that any wedding party that does not include your DCs or involve the entire family and community is a game of upmanship? Why do you you think that others have to have their wedding in a manner that fits your expectations?

WafflyVersatile Thu 07-Mar-13 01:22:14

Parents should not be offended if children are not invited. If it does not suit, do not go. Brides and grooms should not be offended if parents decline the invitation for child related issues.

Not going to weddings saves both you and the bride and groom money.

unitarian Thu 07-Mar-13 01:33:35

My DD was the youngest/only child in our extended family for many years. When she was 12 her 30 year old cousin got married in Cornwall. Neither she nor the groom lived in Cornwall. They live about 20 miles away from us - in the north midlands.
Our niece was marrying into a very large family and begged us to be there so that she would have some relatives at the ceremony - but there was a no children rule. No exceptions.

We had a dilemma - DD could stay the weekend with my DB and SiL but that meant an hour's drive further north to drop her off and added another hour to the journey to Cornwall. Or she could stay with another married cousin in Dorset. We opted for that but underestimated how much that detour would add to the journey time.

If you have a no children rule then get married somewhere accessible - not a castle on a cliff edge at the arse end of nowhere that is impossible to find or gain access to after midnight! (No locks on the bedroom doors either but that's another story.)

EverythingInMjiniature Thu 07-Mar-13 01:51:22

I often think its a divide between being one of the first of your friends/family to get married and/or have children or the last.

When DP and I first got together I couldn't understand ever having a child free wedding. When we got engaged we made a guest list and it nearly doubled when children were included, we are one of the last of his group to marry. We couldn't find a venue to fit everyone for the ceremony, and weren't about to fake a religion to access a larger space hmm.

We are inviting our nephews and babies are welcome, would hate for anyone to leave a tiny one. So far the only complaint is from cousin of DP I have never met and he has seen once in 10y. It makes me cross that we have to exclude DC we have seen regularly since birth (and are much younger) in favour of his family but I'm trying to keep the peace smile

ChocChipCookieMuncher Thu 07-Mar-13 02:20:34

We went 'child free' because didn't trust all our guests to control their DC! (sad but true, some of them seem oblivious to their DC distrurbing other people when we're out in pubs, restaurants,letting them run riot etc) . I had been to weddings where you couldn't hear the couple making their vows due to the noise of rowdy kids in church. We knew we would really regret it if that happened to us. Then the extra cost of course....We did get a few digs and comments re our decision. The classic was "But you won't have my beautiful DC on your wedding photos....". Say no more. (I am a Mum myself)

MidnightMasquerader Thu 07-Mar-13 03:16:04

YANBU at all.

One of DH's best friends got married in his bride's hometown which was a 5 hour drive away and necessitated two night's staying over. They had a no children rule due to budget.

When he explained that to me, I said, no problem at all, completely understand, but I would have to sit it out - since DD was 4 months old at the time, and EBF. I couldn't leave a bottle-refuser who was used to me being around all the time, for 2 nights for anyone.

In the end, they said they could make an exception for an EBF baby under the circumstances which was lovely, but had they decided the rule was hard-and-fast, then fair enough, I'd have stayed home. Their wedding, their choice. We left DS with a babysitter for two nights and took DD with us.

Our wedding was child-free, except for a breastfed baby.

Fair enough if having a wedding with lots of children is your preference - and I can absolutely see the appeal assuming the children aren't the type to run amok, and/or the parents aren't the hopeless, ineffective types. I've been to weddings with kids present, and they've been great. Everyone's had a ball. Fab all round.

However, why can't other people see that child-free weddings can be great craic, too? A proper grown-up knees-up, gathering together people who love a good night out is brilliant. Both scenarios are great - so why not just go with what the B&G want, rather than coming over all sanctimonious with the 'legal and religious commitment' comments? With all due respect, Startail - your stance, while very worthy I'm sure, isn't go to persuade the childfree-types to your way of thinking, at all!

mrsstewpot Thu 07-Mar-13 07:09:45

My cousin is having a child free wedding this year and as it's at the opposite end of the country and all family who could babysit will be attending themselves, we won't be going sadly. I completely understand it is their wish but I can't help but feel a bit sad. Someone upthread said it's not about exclusion but I do feel excluded!

I would never say anything because it's their day and of course it should be just the way they want. However we have had to keep tabs on my very family orientated Grandparents who just cannot get their heads round a child free wedding and make sure they don't say something to the bride and groom!

OrangeLily Thu 07-Mar-13 07:13:47

I went child free because my DH was scared of interruptions during the ceremony and then his tiny baby niece ended up coming. smile

Amusingly enough a close family member has decided to go child free recently. This includes me and DH despite the fact that they attended our wedding. I was assuming this would give them the hint that we are not children anymore. shock

greeneyed Thu 07-Mar-13 07:16:55

I had a child free wedding as i had just found out I was infertile and wanted to minimise reminders - there were however 5 heavily pregnant people there on the day!

I am attending a wedding in a couple of weeks 4 hours away requiring a two night stay. It is no kids and we have gad problems sorting a sitter for our three yr old however they are also stryggling through fertility treatment so the last thing they need is loads of young families around.

I have missed a wedding when ebf however never questioned the bride and grooms no kids decision.

exoticfruits Thu 07-Mar-13 07:24:35

The timings if weddings and the location generally mean that anyone with children can't get child cover and therefore can't go. Sometimes it is just a good excuse but sometimes you are really disappointed.
To me, weddings are family affairs and I can't see why you want to exclude part of the family- however if you have friends and family who don't control their DCs I think it is understandable.

sashh Thu 07-Mar-13 07:25:52

Do any children actually enjoy weddings?

I hat to see those exhausted kids asleep on two chairs put together at 11pm.

Chandon Thu 07-Mar-13 07:28:09

Well, it did bother me that I could not bring my 8 week old DC when I was asked to a wedding, as it meant I would not be able to come.

It was in another country as well, so I was expected to fly down on my own ( DH abroad that time for work), which I was happy to do, but then I was supposed to leave the baby ( breastfed), pump enough milk for the day and leave him with an unknown babysitter in a hotel all day.

Well, obviously I understand the no kids rule, I asked about babe in arms but they said no-no-no.

So I just did not go. I sent flowers and a present and a card. But I was never forgiven for thinking my baby more important than their wedding, and for being a breastfeeding nut and surely the baby could take the bottle for a day. Still, I do not feel it was unreasonable of me, as I really just could not figure it out. My baby did not take the bottle, ever. Some don't. And I am aware that is my problem, not theirs. But then they were so cross with me.

StuntGirl Thu 07-Mar-13 07:29:11

Thing is, I personally wouldn't want kids at my wedding but I couldn't give a shit if someone else makes a different choice. I'm well aware everyone has different opinions and choices, and understand that sometimes they differ to mine.

RedHelenB Thu 07-Mar-13 07:32:06

weddings are about celebrating your union with friends & family in my eyes & that includes children. But it isn't the modern way it seems!!

mrsstewpot Thu 07-Mar-13 07:34:16

Chandon that is really poor form on the bride and groom's part! Rude and definitely bridezilla-esque!

Katienana Thu 07-Mar-13 07:35:22

I have one coming up in summer when ds will be 8 months, its a 2 night stay and he us bf. My parents are going to come and look after him bit it is a big expense. Plus I will have to express loads for him which isn't as easy as you'd think. On the other hand if he was invited I'd miss the night do anyway so what can you do?

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