aibu to think my friend has not got hints about my feelings?

(69 Posts)
japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 16:34:26

This may well turn into a forest fire but I am going to try anyway to navigate this without alienating too many people.
A woman I have known for about 5 years now who has a DS1 the same age as my DD2. She also has a 2 year old. She is a few years older than me and no2 is likely her last.
I had a hysterectomy when DD2 was 3. Though the far side of 30 , I knew no more pregnancies were viable. Got on with things, though internally I can feel bereft from time to time. The what ifs of it but don't really bring to conversations, it is what it is. Nothing can be changed but I am experiencing a sadness in a way.
Woman is very involved in breast feeding stuff. Recently it has gotten all consuming for her. She shows me photos of her and friends breast feeding or she is feeding DD2 in the middle of the playground, walking down the road. It seems an endless activity as well as constantly discussing how much he loves it, how much they love falling asleep with him feeding. It is begining to feel painful in a clumsy way. I have been on the point of telling her but feel that it would sound like bitterness and I am sure there are those here who will say the same. Despite showing no interest whatsoever when she starts on the subject, she doesn't seem to be getting my silence or blank face. There is nothing we have in common anymore and it feels so one sided.
Do I tell her? Am I simply jealous? Do I remain shutted up?

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Mar-13 18:43:05

I suspect that she gets tumbleweed everywhere she goes with this very intense conversation, Japonica. So she probably doesn't notice it as anything odd.

I don't know if you can actually tell someone in the grips of a passion like this to cool it. I'd take the coward's way out and avoid her for a while. When she moves past the breastfeeding stage, she may be able to leave her evangelism behind.

God breastfeeding bores need to get over themselves , don't get me wrong I Breastfed my daughter but why would I think other people wanted to hear me prattle on about it,
One of my friends always goes on about it like she invented it and it pisses me off.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 06-Mar-13 19:55:21

I wouldn't waste energy on telling her how dull she is. She is probably so self absorbed that he will decide you must be jealous, a people tend to o when they are looking for an easy explanation of why someone doesn't particularly like them.

She sounds incredibly boring if she is defining herself on her ability to put her boob into her child's mouth.

atthewelles Thu 07-Mar-13 10:38:38

She really does sound very dull, boring and deeply annoying and I suspect she is irritating a lot of people with her ridiculous carry on.
I had a hysterectomy last year and would find her hard work. But I think I would have felt like that anyway, pre-hysterectomy. Self obsessed people are a PITA.

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 10:52:54

Whoever said she's hormonal and mooney hit the nail on the head, imo.

OP if she's annoying you then you are being complicit in it by not telling her. Regardless of whether you feel you should have to or not, that's not really the point. You say you want your old friend back but you're not prepared to tell her how you feel or do anything about it.

Her bf career won't last forever but if she's a good friend good friendships have weathered worse than this.

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Thu 07-Mar-13 11:53:10

You could ask if she is OK as she seems very obsessed by breastfeeding. It may be that there is nothing else in her life to focus on.
Very annoying and slap-makey.

Ionasky Thu 07-Mar-13 12:05:38

if she's a good/longstanding friend, i'd ask her directly too as babymakesthebellygoround says. I wonder if it's about her realising she can't have any more, is a bit down about it and trying to drag it all out for as long as possible, either that or she's getting too much self-worth out of it. But she's not doing you the favour of thinking about how you might be perceiving it. She does sound a bit unhinged as others have said, I'd bet that she just hasn't gotten that you'd rather not hear it.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 12:21:51

I think all her self worth is invested in bf.
As to being prepared to tell someone about ones own pain/sadness; I see it as wondering if she would even value what I told her. I worry that she would be not in the least sensitive to how I feel. She is so wrapped up in boobs that literally everything else is of no importance. Do you impart sensitive information to someone who does not value it? Perhaps time to put the friend on the shelf. Ionasky not a long standing friend, but we enjoyed each others company and felt there was common ground. That seems to have completely disappeared.

WorraLiberty Thu 07-Mar-13 12:28:55

Surely if she's a friend you can laugh, roll your eyes and say "Jeez will you give it a rest with the BF talk"?

If you had a friend who was this obsessed with make up and shoes or with a celebrity or something, you'd let them know they needed to calm it down?

eavesdropping Thu 07-Mar-13 12:29:03

I'll be a lone voice here then. YABU.

I don't see what connection her BFing has got to do with your hysterectomy, and why she should not talk about it/feed her toddler in case she upsets you. Do you get upset at the sight of people bottle feeding? Or if somebody was talking about nappies or anything else related to babies?

I don't think she's unhinged. She obviously thinks you are pro-BFing and that she can share this stuff with you, that you will "get it". Because BFing isn't the norm it can be tough if you're BFing, especially full-term. People seek out like-minded mums on the internet and in real life for a sense of solidarity.

I bet there's plenty of people that she NEVER talks about BFing to for fear of upsetting. She's misjudged the situation with you and would most likely be mortified if she knew.

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 12:35:16

Good point, eavesdropping.

JacqueslePeacock Thu 07-Mar-13 12:44:22

I agree with eavesdropping. What is it about her BFing and talking about it (which does sound a bit irritating, to be fair) that bothers you so much? Because you don't mention being upset by other aspects of her having a small child - and this child is now 2, so not a snuffly newborn baby or anything. You have had 2 years to get used to her having another child.

I don't mean to say your feelings aren't reasonable, by the way - i'm just struggling to see the connection with her evangelical BFing.

Patchouli Thu 07-Mar-13 12:51:58

I agree, it sounds like she just thinks she's chatting with a like-minded mum.

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Thu 07-Mar-13 12:56:20

Could you get some leaflets for a local bf group and give them to her and say all the breastfeeding talk is boring the crap out of you instead?

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 13:07:57

Of course I support BF'ing....but what is it actively to do with my life and children at the moment? How interested am I going to be beyond. Thats nice, yes indeed, healthy thing for all...!?
As to other aspects of having a young child, indeed there are aspects of her having a little one that make me wistful and a bit sad over all, but the BF'ing feels very heavily emphasised though I have been giving her a wide berth, she searches me out.
But, at this point, showing my pics of her and her friends BFing, like why am I going to be interested or care at this point given my lack of a uterus and the ability to procreate? she doesn't ask for any input either...just fucking goes on and on, despite silence from me, endless quotes from WHO statistics and so on. Does that sound like I am critcising her breastfeeding?
What it is is, her loss of herself in the world of bf'ing has dimmed her ability to understand anyone outside of it. To the point that she is not getting the hints I have been trying to throw her way, in as nice a way as possible. She is oblivious

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 13:08:31

Baby she runs the local bf group?!

AliceWChild Thu 07-Mar-13 13:12:32

I agree with eavesdropping too. And to also add to the mix, I had a pregnancy where my baby was likely to not make it (he's fine) and one of things I hated was when people modified their conversation so they wouldn't talk about pregnancy or babies etc. I hated that they'd think they couldn't share their happiness with me, or leave me out of the planning for the baby conversations. I'm not saying at all you should feel the same, we all deal with things differently, but your friend could have thought this was the situation. My friends were desperate to be supportive but I had to help them with what that would look like.

But tbh I don't think you like your friend very much from what you've said so it depends if you think it's worth it.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 13:12:55

But op is not a like minded mum happy to drone on about bf for hours.

Bf is a huge part of my role at work, I bf all 3 of mine and plan to bf this one.

However, I am just not interested in conversing about it. It bores me rigid.

My friend sounds very similar to ops and honest to god it is supremely irritating.

Patchouli Thu 07-Mar-13 13:23:10

I see that ENormSnob, but the friend has just misunderstood.
Quietly stewing won't help her understand.

Dannilion Thu 07-Mar-13 13:36:03

I think your friend needs a hobby, or something to do other than put her boob in her child's mouth, talk about putting a boob in her child's mouth, take pictures of her boob in her child's mouth or research on the benefit of putting her boob in her child's mouth.

It seems like she may have detached from the rest of her personality, and is entirely focused on this one great thing that she is doing. It's quite saddening really. Could you maybe suggest a night/day out or something without the DC? Maybe just to remind her that she is more than a boob. If she challenges it, you can then say that all she ever talks about is BF and you want to regain some common ground.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 13:50:55

To say she has misunderstood Patchouli indicates that she has actually thought about anything other than her own piece of the world. I am not quietly stewing, I have given her perhaps too subtle hints but am ready to do a bit of a flounce. i don't want to, but feel exasperated. seh simply isn't tuned in

Dannilion I know she will not do anything without kids so in that respect I haven't mentioned it. Any time I have, she cuddles one of them and tells me I am horrible to ask her to leave them, in a little girl voice. Can you guess her husband is an utter bastard?

enorma, is yours really as fucking irritating as this? She didn't used to be!

Hopasholic Thu 07-Mar-13 13:55:13

She shows you photos of her & her friends breastfeedingshock ?
Make her a badge that says 'worlds best breastfeeder' on it. Tell her, now she has the award will she please shut the f*%k up about it.

eavesdropping Thu 07-Mar-13 13:59:38

Of course I support BF'ing....but what is it actively to do with my life and children at the moment? How interested am I going to be beyond. Thats nice, yes indeed, healthy thing for all...!?

So are you only interested in conversations with friends that actively have something to do with your life and children's stage of life?
If a friend wanted to talk about say, their divorce - but you were happily married - would you automatically feel disinterested?

PopeBenedictsP45 Thu 07-Mar-13 14:05:08

She wants you to bf your (non existent) grandchild?!

She is bonkers. I would have to say something but from what you've said I think she is so far invested in bfing that she will think you're being hostile or simply ignore you.

japonicabumsplatt Thu 07-Mar-13 14:06:22

eaves, she talks about nothing else. I chat with many other women on the topic. they also bring other things to the conversation apart from bfing.
Which is I think obviously different from a friend experiencing the end of their marriage. the two subjects are very very different.
divorce is distressing and painful
bf'ing isn't
a friends distress is a priority and would be a priority for me
bf'ing doesn't really make it up there on the chart.
your point falls a little flat.

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