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Ex husband and his access

(26 Posts)
mrsfleming32 Tue 05-Mar-13 19:44:27

I'm having a nightmare. I split with ex just over a year ago due to his drinking and general inability to behave like a normal person. Now, a year on, I have my own flat and a new relationship with a wonderful man who adores me and my 5 year old daughter. Ex insists on seeing her every single day, comes to see her around 5.30 every evening, and ideally he wants to visit her at my flat. I don't want him in my flat, I feel I can't move on with my life, and my man has to wait until he's gone to come and see me. I feel I can't tell him about my new relationship as he will be completely unreasonable and make my life a misery. I really need some advice. Do I tell him and face the circumstances? What is most annoying is that when we were together he totally took us for granted and now he thinks he is father of the year. Would love to hear from anyone in the same position.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 05-Mar-13 19:48:12

You need to tell him this is not working for you, how long does he stay when he's there, could you offer him the same amount of time but in one or two visits?

mrsfleming32 Tue 05-Mar-13 19:57:28

He always stays around an hour, if he doesn't take her out. It's severely stressing me out.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 20:00:25

Tell him straight, no more house visits, contact centre or somewhere else, if you dont want him in your home, then you dont have to have him there.

mrsfleming32 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:02:56

Not that easy. He can be very aggressive and unreasonable.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 20:04:01

Even more reason to put an end to it, if he gets aggressive, call the police. Then get a contact order sorted.

kinkyfuckery Tue 05-Mar-13 20:04:33

Jut tell him straight, he is welcome to see your DD, but it must be an arrangement that suits all three of you, not just him!

kinkyfuckery Tue 05-Mar-13 20:05:54

Also, I wouldn't mention the new relationship at the same time, it's a separate issue. How long have you been seeing him?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 20:08:03

Also it must be really confusing for DD, and she may mention the new bf, its something you need to get official for contact, he doesnt have the right just to turn up in your home.

Sailormercury Tue 05-Mar-13 20:08:20

TBH the fact that he can be aggresive is even more of a reason not to have him in your home. He is your X for a reason and you don't have to take shit from him. I agree with Greg, contact centre or elsewhere.

StuntGirl Tue 05-Mar-13 20:11:30

Tell him no more contact at your home. It sounds like you need a more formal contact agreement that suits all three of you.

kim147 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:11:53

He has no right to be in your house and it will be best for all of you to get appropriate times so you can plan your life.

He can't demand when to see your DD. You both need to move on and that means him not going to your house if he's going to act like that.

Hope it gets sorted.

HollyBerryBush Tue 05-Mar-13 20:12:21

Sorry, but why are you letting him over the threshold of your flat?

Why havent you seen a solicitor to regulate times?

Why havent you had him done for harassment?

mrsfleming32 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:16:24

DD dotes on him. TBH I'm a bit scared of him. Solicitors would inflame the situation massively. He hasn't harassed me as such, but when we split up (I left) he made some awful threats about me seeing other people. I really don't know what to do.

StuntGirl Tue 05-Mar-13 20:18:34

See a solicitor, make it official and get formal contact sorted. And stop letting him in your house. If he kicks off you call the police and keep a diary of anything he says/does.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 20:24:01

Hes trying to control you, dont let him, DD may mention your new man one day, what happens if he kicks off in front of her, you need to keep him at arms length, and get contact official, otherwise your still gonna be walking on egg shells, divorcing is meant to stop that happening.

mrsfleming32 Tue 05-Mar-13 20:28:09

I think he knows I'm with someone else. I feel like I've no way to turn. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Mar-13 20:29:40

I'm going to go against the grain, but I think you should put up with it.

If your dd loves him and wants to spend an hour a day with her daddy, she should be allowed to. That is more important that your moving on or your new man having to wait.

I'm saying this from direct experience btw. I have been in exactly your position with two children. They aren't young forever, and I'm not suggesting you let this go on indefinitely. But your dd is only five.

Seabright Tue 05-Mar-13 20:31:33

You have to take the next step, which is to begin the process of legally ending this marriage. Which means getting a lawyer.

They will sort these issues on your behalf, that's their job. You cannot carrion like this.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 20:31:47

Its been a year tho, clouds its not like its been a month and shes moving her new man in, why the hell should she put up with someone shes admitted shes scared off.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Mar-13 21:08:11

She shouldn't have to put up with someone she's scared of, but her dd shouldn't have to miss out on seeing her Dad every day either.

I know it's hard, like I said, I've been there. I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't think putting a child first for a few more years is too much to ask.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 21:16:04

Then he should be taking his DD somewhere and invading OP's space.

kim147 Tue 05-Mar-13 21:22:03

clouds But I'm guessing at that age that the OP won't have spent much time with DD - it will be the school run, pick up from school, make tea and then get ready for bed.

Intermixed with the Dad coming for his fun time.

If he wants to see her, it should be at a certain time and in a neutral place or his place. If he's so keen, maybe he could do the school run and have the daughter for a while.

But everyday interferes with the OP's daily routine and the quality time she has with her DD.

purpleroses Tue 05-Mar-13 21:30:32

Where is your ex living? Is it somewhere suitable to have DD visit him there? If so, why not phrase it along the lines of - it's been nice for DD to see him so often, but you all need to move to a new sort of arrangement where she gets to spend proper time with him in his house. This could be several times a week for an hour or two after school - if that's what suits you all. Or you could move to something a bit longer and less frequent - every other weekend and a night midweek just for tea would be a standard sort of contact arrangement. You don't have to do that exactly, but you do have to work something out that allows you to start parenting from different households.

If he doesn't have anywhere suitable to have her, then it is difficult I think. I'd be inclined to let it continue on a temporary basis if he's still in the process of finding somewhere, but make it clear it can't go on forever.

My ex came round to visit for the first few months after we split, but then moved to having DCs stay at his once he had a room in a shared house. It wasn't an ideal place for them to stay over, but it was manageable, and better than him coming round mine all the time.

mummytime Tue 05-Mar-13 21:35:35

OP you can still phone women's aid and get advice.

Personally I think you need to do the Freedom course and be very careful about your new relationship. You seem to have very low self-esteem, and not have very good boundaries; your new DP may be great or may be another disaster, you don't seem to have developed any skills to judge this for yourself.

Phone the police if you are hassled. It does not do your DD any good to see you intimidated or frightened of her father. It will teach her all kinds of unhealthy lessons about relationships.

No he shouldn't see her in your flat. Yes there needs to be formalised access arrangements.

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