To think my SIL purposefully tried to spoil our wedding day?

(174 Posts)
ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:25:59

A bit of a back story first - my SIL (not technically as this is BIL's girlfriend) and BIL were meant to get married last year and had found a venue they wanted to use but decided to use the money her father had given her for the wedding on a house purchase instead. She then told me that they would probably get married abroad in a couple of years. Fast forward to last year and DH and I decided to finally set the date for our wedding having come into a little bit of money which would enable us to do it. As our budget was low we found a couple of venues with winter offers one being the one that SIL was going to use. I was dubious about upsetting her but after a huge fallout with a close friend over the other venue (one date left and she demanded I let her have it - we haven't spoken since) we decided to go ahead with sil's venue believing that it wouldn't matter since they would never use it anyway. SIL is a difficult person, I have posted about her before and she demonstrates many characteristics of narsassistic personality disorder. She has taken over other key events in our life and I fully expected her to do 'something' on our wedding day but she really excelled my expectations.

Firstly she ate her starter and then disappeared outside for the rest of the evening for the most part. She spend near enough the whole time stood outside with the smokers. I realise that this is her prerogative but she made it obvious that she didn't want to be there.

She heckled my dad all the way through his speech and insulted my DH.

She started arguments with a few of my friends over things that happened over 5 years ago. She accused my best friend and bridesmaid of sending her a nasty message on Facebook which never happened. She was generally very rude and nasty to my friends. She has a tendency to be this way with people anyway but I was shocked by just how openenly nasty she was. My friends did very well not to bite but at one point I really thought it could end up with physical fighting as she just wouldn't stop goading them with vile comments.

She was visibly annoyed and said as much that we had been lucky enough to get a good day weather wise which of course people were commenting on.

She told anyone who would listen that we had 'stolen' her venue. She also kept telling people that she was gutted that her sons had not been asked to he pageboys despite the fact that DH had asked them but stipulated that they would have to pay for the suit hire. They opted not to do this, fair enough.

I generally tried to avoid her anyway as I don't like her very much but at one point she pulled me over to have a 'heart to heart'. It started off very nice with her complimenting my dress and the wedding decoration etc, but then she admitted that she was angry with us for booking that venue. I tried to explain what had happened but she wouldn't hear me out. She said that friends of hers had encouraged her to book the same venue but go bigger and better which she now felt she couldn't do as I'd done such a great job. I told her it wasn't a competition and that I would be happy if she felt she could still have her wedding there if that was what she wanted. I do not subscribe to this belief that friends or family cannot use the same venue.

She ended up asking me if I had a problem with her. On any other occasion I probably would have explained my issues with her but I felt it wasn't the time or the place.

What made me most angry was this though. Many years ago DH had an affair with one of sil's friends. We got through it and I never blamed SIL for her involvement despite the fact that she helped to hide what was going on. I disliked her before this anyway so that was never the issue. Despite the fact that her BIL has also cheated on her she still loves to make out that they have a better relationship than we do. Anyway, I don't know what possessed her but she started saying that we would never see eye to eye due to the past with her friend/ow but going on and on about how great and amazing her friend was. That was it for me and I made my excuses and went back inside to spend time with our guests that were actually happy for us. I mean is it just me or was this totally and utterly inappropriate to bring up Mine and DH's past like this on our wedding day? We have discussed the situation before, there was just no need as far as I could see. Things have moved on anyway, we have has children since the affair, we have got through it. Why drag it back up on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives?

So Aibu to think she did this on purpose or should I cut her some slack since it was inevitably going to be difficult for her since she had wanted her wedding there? Or could we have reasonably expected her to keep her feeling to herself just for one day? I've put myself in her position and I think that even if I was angry etc I would have tried to be happy for them and put my own feelings to one side for their big day.

HollaAtMeBaby Wed 06-Mar-13 08:26:32

I too would like to know how Reality's mad SIL reformed - feel like I've missed a bit of the saga there! New thread perhaps? smile

OP, YANBU and your SIL sounds like an absolute bitch. I think you should just avoid her. And definitely edit her out of the wedding photos! How annoying angry

fromparistoberlin Wed 06-Mar-13 08:26:37

she is a nasty and mixed up person

limit your inteactions with her to the bare minimum

and develop a VERY thick skin, keep expectations low and she will never suprise you

be wary of her OP, very wary

a toxic person

Beveridge Wed 06-Mar-13 08:29:20

Me and DH had the same reception venue as my SIL.Everyone thought it was handy as we knew in advance exactly how they would do things on the day!

MarthasHarbour Wed 06-Mar-13 08:36:02

OP i think i remember you from the christening/birthday parties.

Your SIL is a vile nasty cow. Someone upthread said it isnt worth having a showdown but i respectfully disagree. I think you should cut her out of your life and tell her exactly why. Everyone knows what she is like so you will have support of family and friends.

I dont usually condone a slanging match but by god this woman needs telling. Especiallly given that your other SIL is close to the edge.

I cannot believe she ranted on about your DH's history, again someone else ^ mentioned that she only did this because her other attempts failed.

Congratulations on your wedding and i am glad that it didnt spoil your day.

diddl the OP let the other venue go because her friend was being equally vile and wanted the same venue on the same day - the OP decided to bow out gracefully and cut this toxic woman out of her life too

Wishfulmakeupping Wed 06-Mar-13 08:40:49

You could ignore her jealous spiteful actions or if you're like me you could enjoy the fact you've clearly got under her skin as she was unable to ruin you're special day with all her desperate attempts. She sounds like a sad case and she's shown herself up big time- your bil must be so embarrassed by her twatish behaviour

bottleofbeer Wed 06-Mar-13 08:49:01

My SIL really had a good go at making my wedding all about her. You know what? she made an utter show of herself and everyone knows it. Forget about it (but always, always have a good bitch and laugh about it with friends later on, they make for great stories after the event!) beause all she's managed to do is make damn sure everyone knows what an utter tool she is smile

Whocansay Wed 06-Mar-13 09:08:13

I suspect after that performance, she may never become your SIL properly!

My SIL turned up at my wedding and demanded that her 3 daughters be bridesmaids. It was only a small wedding and I already had my best friend and 2 young nieces. If she'd asked beforehand, I may have been more charitable, but as it was, I told her no and that she was unreasonable. she then said she wouldn't turn up at the wedding. I said it was her choice. She came in the end, but looked as if she was sucking lemons the whole time.

I feel your pain!

CocacolaMum Wed 06-Mar-13 09:10:57

What a fucking fruit loop!!

Lavenderhoney Wed 06-Mar-13 09:17:10

Yep I think she did try to spoil it. She sounds very attention seeking and perhaps a tad jealous she is not yet married. Is she still getting married or has her bf run away in horror?
This is one day when yes, it is all about you and your dh.

Try to remember the good bit! Don't understand all the fuss about venues, most of my relatives and me all got married at the same place ( discount heaven by the time it got to ussmile

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 09:24:01

Thanks for all the replies and I'm really sorry to hear that so many others have difficult SILs.

I take on board the opinions that we shouldn't have used that particular venue. Before booking our wedding I had no idea there was a common belief that you shouldn't book the same venue that friends and family are considering. I found that out the hard way when my ex friend, completely out if character, when mad with me and emotionally blackmailed me into removing our provisional booking from the other venue. DH and I viewed about a dozen venues and looked at many more online but the truth is it boiled down to what we could afford. The one we went for was the cheapest we looked at. Our intention was never to upset SIL although we knew it probably would just knowing what she is like, even if she was never going to use it herself. But in the same token our sympathies for SIL are limited since she's not once considered our feelings when booking her dcs' christenings on the same day as dd's birthday party two years in a row, or bringing her Dc in his christening outfit to our dc's christening in order to get more photos from the professional photographer (we used the same one) and monopolising his time so we had to wait for our photos hmm.

I did notice she was outside a lot simply because she was outside whenever I went outside and she made her presence known by having a go at all my friends. Others have also filled me in with some of her antics since the event. I have told my friends about her before but having witnessed just how bad she is for themselves they really understand where I am coming from.

I am fast realising that she is a toxic person and that nothing I do will change that it be good enough for her. I am awful with confrontation but I am getting closer and closer to saying something. My other SIL thinks its funny as like pp mentioned, she was clearly jealous.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 09:28:28

Sorry, couple of x posts.

BIL never seems to mind her outrageous behaviour, he has gone along with it at times, ie the christenings. I think he just goes for whatever makes his life easier, he certainly would never confront her. As mentioned before, I don't think he even noticed what she was doing on the day, instead he was flirting with my friends (according to them) wink.

diddl Wed 06-Mar-13 09:29:28

"diddl the OP let the other venue go because her friend was being equally vile "

well yes, I know.

I mean if I'd got a booking, I wouldn't have given it up.

And anyone who makes a fuss about you getting a booking first, obviously isn't a friend-so I wouldn't have felt like doing them a favour iyswim.

That said, it does sound as if SIL deliberately tried to spoil things.

It would have been more than enough to express mild disappointment at not already having married & had a reception at the venue.

As for the other stuff-sounds as if she is just out & out nasty & attention seeking.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 09:34:36

Didl, initially we provisionally booked a couple of venues to hold the date for us as they couldn't fit us in for viewing so we didn't lose any money. In hindsight perhaps we should have gone for the other venue but st the time I thought I could salvage my friendship with the friend as I had known her since school, turns out it wouldn't have mattered. Despite giving it up for her she still fell out with me. I think even considering the place was a big enough 'crime' in her eyes confused.

poozlepants Wed 06-Mar-13 09:36:06

I have a narcissitic SIL so I do sympathise and I do agree that noone owns a wedding venue.
However knowing her like you do how on earth did you think booking the venue she wanted for her wedding was going to end well.
Even if it was the deal of the century I would never have done that with my SIL because it would be obvious things would go tits up.

Corygal Wed 06-Mar-13 09:38:46

Toxic fucknut. Hope you enjoyed the rest of the day! thanks

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 09:41:40

Poozle, I see what you're saying but it was simply a case of money. It was either use one of two venues or not get married at all. I priced up several options but the hotel was the cheapest by far. I fully expected her to do something to make it about her but I was thinking along the lines of wearing all white not going all out to make a tit of herself. It was worth it anyway, we still had a lovely day, didn't get into debt for it and I am now married to the love of my life. She couldn't ruin that if she tried smile.

diddl Wed 06-Mar-13 09:41:42

It sounds as if it was a case of lose/lose whatever you did OP.

SIL was being so nasty to/about guests that it seems (to me) that it couldn't just have been about the venue.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 09:48:18

Didl, you make a good point and I very much agree. I think she never thought DH and I would ever get married as we've been engaged so long and it's no secret that we would never have been able to afford it had it not been for DH coming into a little extra money. She loves to harp on about her rich daddy so I think she always felt she would be married first and have the biggest and best wedding.

She has slagged off her friends weddings to me (for people she has been bridesmaid for) saying it was cheap and nasty and saying they should wait until after her wedding to save more as hers would be bigger and better with the aid if daddy's money. She's vile to everyone, including her own friends, so I should remember that this isn't about me but rather her.

LayMizzRarb Wed 06-Mar-13 09:54:38

YANBU to be upset at what happened. However, there comes a point when you have to move on. What has happened has happened, and that cannot be changed. You had no control over her behaviour on the day, or since but you DO HAVE control over how you deal with it.
You can spend the next 20 years going over it, playing out the scenes in your mind wishing you would have done or said something differently, but it won't change things. It will just occupy your time in a negative way and make you feel bitter.
Draw a line, and make today the first day of your new life with this behind you.

Thewhingingdefective Wed 06-Mar-13 09:54:51

She sounds like a stupid cow.

I really don't get the issue with the venue. Where I grew up, everyone I knew got wed at either the local church or registry office and then had reception at a local pub or hotel - there wasn't much choice and most of my friends and family's weddings were much the same.

Does it really matter if she had used the same venue? She needs to get a life.

She did deliberately try to fuck up your day, but it is up to you whether you dwell on it, or shrug it off.

ivanapoo Wed 06-Mar-13 10:20:58

She sounds hideous, but knowing she'd looked at that venue for her own wedding I would have broached it with her beforehand to avoid any upset on the day.

I don't think using the venue itself was insensitive but not discussing/explaining it in advance was.

But you have already very reasonably accepted that you now appreciate what a sensitive area this is so YANBU!

Pigsmummy Wed 06-Mar-13 10:39:43

You expected her to be a nightmare and she was, this was exacerbated by your venue choice (which you were perfectly entitled to book btw) but you shouldn't have focused so much on her during the event, it sounds like you were watching her every move and waiting for things to kick off. I am glad that you decided that you had enough of her conversation and did what you should have done all day, ignoring her and spending time with people that were happy for you. I wouldn't get into an argument with her about her behaviour on the day, she is toxic and you won't gain anything other than a row that JK would be proud of, just put it behind you, enjoy your memories of the day and avoid having much to do with her.

I think you did nothing wrong with the Venue.

She's a Bully, deeply unpleasant and clearly jealous. The one day that is supposed to be on one of the best of your life and she had a conversation with you deliberately engineered to drag up the past and hurt you.
What does BIL think about this? Does he still think this is fine and dandy? Your husband should be beyond furious.

Go into self preservation mode. I'd want nothing more to do with her ever again.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 11:55:28

I wasn't watching her per se, just that she was being very vocal for example making a big announcement that her dc was going home half way through the meal, heckling my dad during his speech and being loud and obnoxious whenever I was outside. People have filled me in since the event, particularly my friends, several of whom were very upset by her nasty and deeply personal comments.

I am trying not to dwell on her antics but the wedding was only just this weekend gone and now we are coming down from the excitement of it all I am beginning to analyse the finer details and remembering what had happened. I think my post was an attempt to work through my feelings and try and understand why she behaved the way she did.

BIL hasn't mentioned what went on, I don't think he noticed on the whole. DH can't stand her either and is not the least bit surprised but as we already know what she is like, he hasn't spoken about it much. We don't talk about the affair any more as it is ancient history and I think we are both aware that if we discuss her antics it would necessitate talking about the ow, not something we want to dredge up whilst we are on a high from tying the knot.

I guessed it would be difficult at least on some level to see us marry in the venue she had wanted to use but she had 11 months to air her grievances instead of choosing the day itself. Also, every fine the subject if the wedding has come up she has made it clear she still intends to use it (after finding out about the winter deal) so I don't see what her issue is.

I don't appreciate why venues are treated as such a big thing. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if I chose a venue and someone else did too. After all, these venues are in business, they want as many weddings as they are able to handle.

Some people are suggesting that the OP should have chosen another. Given she has said it was down to affordability, and that she stepped back from chosing the other possibility in order to try and salvage a friendship, I don't blame the OP for choosing this venue, especially as SIL and BIL had already been talking about going abroad.

But then, I'm the registry-office-and-pub-lunch type of person when it comes to weddings.

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