To think my SIL purposefully tried to spoil our wedding day?

(174 Posts)
ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:25:59

A bit of a back story first - my SIL (not technically as this is BIL's girlfriend) and BIL were meant to get married last year and had found a venue they wanted to use but decided to use the money her father had given her for the wedding on a house purchase instead. She then told me that they would probably get married abroad in a couple of years. Fast forward to last year and DH and I decided to finally set the date for our wedding having come into a little bit of money which would enable us to do it. As our budget was low we found a couple of venues with winter offers one being the one that SIL was going to use. I was dubious about upsetting her but after a huge fallout with a close friend over the other venue (one date left and she demanded I let her have it - we haven't spoken since) we decided to go ahead with sil's venue believing that it wouldn't matter since they would never use it anyway. SIL is a difficult person, I have posted about her before and she demonstrates many characteristics of narsassistic personality disorder. She has taken over other key events in our life and I fully expected her to do 'something' on our wedding day but she really excelled my expectations.

Firstly she ate her starter and then disappeared outside for the rest of the evening for the most part. She spend near enough the whole time stood outside with the smokers. I realise that this is her prerogative but she made it obvious that she didn't want to be there.

She heckled my dad all the way through his speech and insulted my DH.

She started arguments with a few of my friends over things that happened over 5 years ago. She accused my best friend and bridesmaid of sending her a nasty message on Facebook which never happened. She was generally very rude and nasty to my friends. She has a tendency to be this way with people anyway but I was shocked by just how openenly nasty she was. My friends did very well not to bite but at one point I really thought it could end up with physical fighting as she just wouldn't stop goading them with vile comments.

She was visibly annoyed and said as much that we had been lucky enough to get a good day weather wise which of course people were commenting on.

She told anyone who would listen that we had 'stolen' her venue. She also kept telling people that she was gutted that her sons had not been asked to he pageboys despite the fact that DH had asked them but stipulated that they would have to pay for the suit hire. They opted not to do this, fair enough.

I generally tried to avoid her anyway as I don't like her very much but at one point she pulled me over to have a 'heart to heart'. It started off very nice with her complimenting my dress and the wedding decoration etc, but then she admitted that she was angry with us for booking that venue. I tried to explain what had happened but she wouldn't hear me out. She said that friends of hers had encouraged her to book the same venue but go bigger and better which she now felt she couldn't do as I'd done such a great job. I told her it wasn't a competition and that I would be happy if she felt she could still have her wedding there if that was what she wanted. I do not subscribe to this belief that friends or family cannot use the same venue.

She ended up asking me if I had a problem with her. On any other occasion I probably would have explained my issues with her but I felt it wasn't the time or the place.

What made me most angry was this though. Many years ago DH had an affair with one of sil's friends. We got through it and I never blamed SIL for her involvement despite the fact that she helped to hide what was going on. I disliked her before this anyway so that was never the issue. Despite the fact that her BIL has also cheated on her she still loves to make out that they have a better relationship than we do. Anyway, I don't know what possessed her but she started saying that we would never see eye to eye due to the past with her friend/ow but going on and on about how great and amazing her friend was. That was it for me and I made my excuses and went back inside to spend time with our guests that were actually happy for us. I mean is it just me or was this totally and utterly inappropriate to bring up Mine and DH's past like this on our wedding day? We have discussed the situation before, there was just no need as far as I could see. Things have moved on anyway, we have has children since the affair, we have got through it. Why drag it back up on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives?

So Aibu to think she did this on purpose or should I cut her some slack since it was inevitably going to be difficult for her since she had wanted her wedding there? Or could we have reasonably expected her to keep her feeling to herself just for one day? I've put myself in her position and I think that even if I was angry etc I would have tried to be happy for them and put my own feelings to one side for their big day.

50ShadesOfGreggs Tue 05-Mar-13 18:32:00

YANBU. She is a nasty cow by the sounds of it.

FierceBadIggi Tue 05-Mar-13 18:33:00

Glad she's not my SIL.
However don't think it was wise to not discuss the whole venue thing till the wedding day itself.

PedlarsSpanner Tue 05-Mar-13 18:33:47

Has something happened recently to stir all this up again.?

smellsofsick Tue 05-Mar-13 18:34:29

Oh my word. Who goes out all out to purposefully spoil someone's wedding day? Issues or not, she sounds horrible. YADNBU.

What does DH think? There's probably not much point having a show down about it now but I would really think about avoiding her at ALL costs in future. I don't know about narcissistic but she certainly sounds mean and selfish and that would be more than enough for me.

specialsubject Tue 05-Mar-13 18:34:35

wedding venues do actually get used by more than one couple - can't believe that anyone has an issue with this. (Your 'friend' is no loss).

this woman should have been removed by her boyfriend or someone as soon as she started interrupting speeches. Pity she caused hassle, but a wedding is only one day and all your other guests would have sympathised.

don't waste any more time with her. She is either nasty or ill, and neither is your problem.

ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:35:46

I left DH to discuss it with them before we'd put any money down so they were aware of our intentions and didn't say anything. She had told me they would be marrying abroad so I didn't think it would be a massive issue. She has had 11 months to tell us she was upset that we booked it but chose to discuss it on the day itself.

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 18:36:12

Yanbu - I would have had her thrown out.

FairPhyllis Tue 05-Mar-13 18:37:45

Her behaviour was totally inappropriate and YANBU. She was looking to pick a fight and upset you. Your relationship with DH is none of her business.

Why the hell should she be pissed off about the venue anyway? She had the chance to use it and decided to spend her money on something else. I hate all this 'all weddings have to be totally unique and nobody can ever use the same venue as someone else'.

if she is getting married abroad you haven't used her venue? how many wedding venues are there in your area anyway I imagine it's limited? why can't 2people get married in the same place anyway? confused she is a nasty piece of work from the sounds of it.

Yfronts Tue 05-Mar-13 18:39:51

After all this I would choose not to have anything to do with her. I would also tell her parents what happened.

What does your DH say?

ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:39:58

DH didn't really see what was going on. BIL was too busy enjoying the day to notice tbh and he's more than likely had his ear bitten off over this many times. BIL actually had no problem with us using the venue, he wants to go abroad or have a registry office wedding.

She has done things like this on every key event we have. She tried to spoil our dcs' christening and birthdays too so I was half expecting it but I was thinking more along the lines of turning up dressed all in white. She was most definitely on form.

She didn't spoil the day but I'm just disappointed that she was so nasty and I don't know where to go with get from here.

SnotMeReally Tue 05-Mar-13 18:40:33

She's jealous as hell cos BIL wont marry her, dont let it get to you

oh and she gave you awedding present you cab be grateful for. all your family and friends know what a dick she is

Smartiepants79 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:44:47

It was her CHOICE not to get married there. They spent the money elsewhere.
You do Not need to explain your venue choice to anyone, it's your wedding.
All sounds extremely rude and obnoxious to me.
Jealousy appears to be an issue here and a need for everything o be all about her.
Sorry if she spoiled your day.
Don't let her muck raking damage your marriage.

HildaOgden Tue 05-Mar-13 18:44:54

She didn't want you to have a happy day.Simple as that.When all her previous antics on the day didn't reduce you to tears,she went for the jugular with the dragging up of old history.

She's a cow.A jealous one at that.You had the audacity to have a lovely wedding,at a venue of your choice,and that didn't sit well with her.

Fuck her.Do not allow her the power to bother you.Take some comfort with the fact you rarely have to be in contact with her,for the rest of her life she has to spend each day with herself (driving herself mad with her own bitterness).

Greensleeves Tue 05-Mar-13 18:46:38

she's a fucknut!

sorry she spoilt things sad

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 18:47:09

Don't invite her to any more events. Simple.

ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:49:09

Oh, it definitely has to be all about her.

At one point she was having a go at a mutual friend who was at the wedding for having her baby (only a few weeks ago) on her son's birthday. She was going on and on at the poor girl. I ended up saying that she couldn't have done that on purpose, babies come when they come.

People already know what she is like, nobody except BIL like her.

Hissy Tue 05-Mar-13 18:53:42

Yanbu sweety! The only mistake you made was to think that she could ever be anything else but poisonous.

Everyone has seen her for who she is. At lkeast now you can exclude her from any other gathering you have.

Don't give her a further opportunity to spoil your days or that of those that you care about. Be firm on this. She can't behave, she can't attend.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 18:56:08

Oh wow, what a bitch she is, bringing up the past at your wedding, and well done for working through it and getting married, and well done for being dignified enough not to smack her.

Jeez, i'd have no issues in getting married in either venue, where my brother and sister had both their weddings, its just pettiness on top of shitiness.

Chandon Tue 05-Mar-13 19:05:03

I think it was nt very sensitove of you to get married in the venue she has been planning for herself. It cannt have been the only option for you?

You were BU about th boys having to pay their own suit hire, imo, but I know opinions are divided on this.

She sounds hard work though!

HildaOgden Tue 05-Mar-13 19:07:55

Chandon,the sil isn't getting married in that venue!!She considered it,then changed her mind and spent the money on something else...she's getting married abroad next year unless her fella sees sense before then and legs it

Just absolutely childish behaviour from SIL- don't let it get to you and try to remember only the good bits of your wedding and distance yourself from her as much as you can.

My SIL was similar- nose put out of joint because her younger brother was getting married before she was and we "stole" the church ( er excuse me it is the village church....) and her reception venue ( she didn't even have a bf at the time so wasn't likely to get married anytime soon and it was a hotel which had been used for a lot of family like wedding anniversaries, big birthdays etc) and never let us forget it.

You have it in your post "even if I was angry I would have tried to be happy fr them and put my own feelings to one side for their big day"- that is how most of us acting as adults would behave! Nice to hear you and DH have put the past behind you and good luck for the future!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Mar-13 19:12:53

and also Chandon when you pick the venue, you dont bloody own it for live, what entitled, childish bollocks.

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