Don't know what to do, please help!

(59 Posts)
Emmon Tue 05-Mar-13 09:49:58

This may be a bit off topic to go in aibu, however if mods can think of a better place, feel free to move it there.
My husband and I are both classified as severely disabled-although to be fair neither of us view ourselves as having disabilities and we do our best to live our lives to the full.
I have bipolar and my husband has a very severe form of a genetic blindness called retinitis pigmentosa or rp. Rp normally causes blindness in the late teens or early twenties but my husbands form is so bad he was registered blind at 10 months and now has no vision.
As rp is hereditary any children we have get a 50/50 chance of the disease. We already have one son who at 19 months is showing no signs of visual impairment and the doctors say it is now very unlikely he has the faulty gene.
Only problem is husband now wants child number 2. I don't. It is not just the risk of blindness. It is the fact I would have a 30% chance of a bipolar relapse and at 37 I feel too old. Also I run a business and work 90 hour weeks-it is a labour of love and the reality is if I had a child I would have to leave home and go live in my office for 3 months or so as a baby would slow me down (and yes I know may people may think that is a disgrace but I am a workaholic).
I cannot have an abortion or IVF with prenatal diagnosis for religious reasons.
What should I do?

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 09:03:01

Sorry, I don't think my comment above was much help in the context of the OPs posts. The situations are obviously completely different. My parents were hard working and quite traditional in outlook. Despite his disability, my dad worked full time as a self employed piano tuner, while my mum stayed at home to look after us. Travelling by public transport was very time consuming and we never had much money, but they were very independant people.

OP, I think that your difficulties may go beyond mere disability. Another child would seem a very bad idea until a few things are sorted out.

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 08:44:26

they brought obviously.

Where's that edit feature again?

firesidechat Thu 07-Mar-13 08:40:18

wilting - my parents are both blind and thay bought up three children with no outside help at all. We didn't get away with anything while growing up!

They also have a tv. They can hear the sound and these days there is a facility for a helpful voice to tell you what is happening on the screen ie "Mary leaves the room and slams the door behind her". It's perfectly possible to watch and enjoy tv.

wiltingfast Thu 07-Mar-13 08:19:33

Sorry, isn't your husband blind? How the hell is he managing to mind the child at all never mind watch Deal or No Deal on television? [Confused]

ll31 Thu 07-Mar-13 00:59:53

i dont get it tbh, r u doung 90 hr weeks now? if ur not having sex, how much of a marriage have you?

TheChaoGoesMu Thu 07-Mar-13 00:45:01

Hi Emmon, is it possible you could get a nanny to take the strain off of you and dh? Some people cope with not being able to see far better than others. My dh is pretty good, yet one of his sisters really struggles with it all. Also of my best friends has rapid cycle bipolar, and she ended up walking out on her children, a decision (?) she desperately regrets these days. Things are a bit harder for you than they might be for the majority. I'm thinking about her experience as I talk to you. Recognise its not your fault. If you can afford some help it would probably be good. Be a little less harsh on yourself and dh, it does get a little easier after the early years.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 07-Mar-13 00:06:52

You have said you were abused yourself OP and your MIL's notion of parenting left a lot to be desired. You have been very candid and I hope you return here. You are a very intelligent person and I don't want to sound patronising.

I understand you were upset at being assessed by social services in regard to your parenting ability. Your last few posts regarding your son and his father's care of him are worrying. At the very least could you and your husband review arrangements for looking after DS? On a practical level a 19 month old is a handful. Please consider his needs and as someone suggested, perhaps allocate part of his care to a nanny or au pair or fix up a childminder, better for stimulation and socialisation than £50 toys.

Any able bodied adult in sole care of a child gets tired, frustrated, worn down.
I realise working such long hours must be exhausting for you but H will also be taxed. Do you spend much time with DS or do you see H as totally in charge of childcare? You said you see yourself turning into your grandmother for whom work was a driving force, a form of escape.

You were adamant about not wanting a 2nd child. It is so sad that early bonding with DS was severely hampered. If you distance yourself from DS does your H pick up all the slack? I'm not talking about late bedtimes and television, I'm not getting at you but latterly there are some concerning aspects of this thread.

squeakytoy Wed 06-Mar-13 23:11:50

"My biggest problem is when I see my husband with my son. He is a loving doting dad and I know being a dad is a wonderful experience for him."

That seems to have changed in the last few posts..

Get off the internet and sort your child out. He barely knows you from the sounds of it.

Poor bloody kid.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 06-Mar-13 22:53:50

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

doorbellringer Wed 06-Mar-13 22:48:24

In fact this has really riled me. Putting your condition aside and just speaking about your parenting credentials. Yes I think you are a crap mum. Entirely selfish and quick to pass the parental buck onto your husband. He sounds worse than useless too. Why don't you turn your addictive personality onto your son? Why not be an addicted to doing the absolute best you can for him? Put his needs first which include both parents. You "told your husband to put him to bed" why not assign some of your 90 hours work time to do it your bloody self. Do not even consider having another child, illness or no illness. You are self centred and not even to able to provide basic care to the one you have. Goodness help him having to neglectful parents who use their conditions as an excuse. There are so many disabled people put there who would love to have your abilities yet do a better job with less. You really need to take a long hard look at yourself and do not even consider another child.

LadyBeagleEyes Wed 06-Mar-13 22:30:11

hmm

wiltingfast Wed 06-Mar-13 22:24:40

To be honest, you hardly sound fit to cope with the child you have never mind even consider another. So why are you finding it hard to say no? You could just go and have your tubes tied and forget about it.

Also I find the criticism of your husband's efforts when you are out working your 90h weeks and probably haven't a bloody clue what is going on to be pretty objectionable.

You poor thing, the child took your fanta? Your dh doesn't do jack? Well what the hell are YOU doing actually?

doorbellringer Wed 06-Mar-13 22:07:17

What dreamingbohemian said. Think she put it mildly actually.

SolomanDaisy Wed 06-Mar-13 21:58:55

I think it sounds like you need to be a bit more involved. If you're home, why is it just about 'telling' your husband what time the toddler needs to be in bed? My toddler doesn't go to bed till 9, he sleeps till 8.30, it's what works for us as a family. Do you have any outside support from family/friends or a HV? It sounds like you're all struggling.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I don't know why you are even askign for advice on having another child when it sounds like you have some serious issues already in raising the child you do have.

You work 90 hour weeks and your husband is neglecting your son.

You're not happy with the situation so what are you going to do about it? I assume with those hours you are making good money, can you get a nanny or au pair in? Put him in nursery?

You really need to do something. He's 19 months, it's not going to get any easier anytime soon.

Emmon Wed 06-Mar-13 21:26:24

It is bloody 921 in the evening and my 19month old son is still up, toddling around. Has taken my can of fanta and poured it all over me. Has hidden the TV remote. has bashed my laptop up.

Husband has been told CLEARLY to put him in bed by 7.

I cannot cope at all. Have had a crappy day anyway and have no clue what a toddler is doing up past 9.

Have spent all evening working (other than coming on here a few times)

Am a crap mum. Probably I do not know how to bring up a child as was severely abused myself.

Number 2 is not happening. It would if I could trust husband doolittle to look after number 1 but he does not do jack.

firesidechat Tue 05-Mar-13 22:31:35

To complicate the genetic issue, my mum's grandparents were first cousins. I've sometimes wondered if that made her Rp more likely. We've never had genetic counselling, so don't understand it very well.

firesidechat Tue 05-Mar-13 22:22:16

Your post is very close to home for me for various reasons.

My mum has RP and started to go blind at about 5 years old, and dad is registered blind. I think there may have been a great aunt with poor eyesight, but apart from that no one else in the family appears to have inherited RP. I have two children (adults) and a sibling has one child. Having children is a risk I was prepared to take and thankfully none of the grandchildren have RP. We took the risk because, having lived with it all my life, blindness wasn't a worst case scenario to me. My parents very sucessfully bought up three children of their own and my mum coped well. However I know she would love to see and it does cause some frustration.

My mil also has severe mental health issues and had this when I met my husband. There was always a slight chance that this was genetic too.

Fear could have stopped us having children and I'm so pleased that we made the decision we did and that the outcome was positive.

Having said all this, my nephew is an only child and he is a very happy, well adjusted child. Apart from the RP and bipolar you have perfectly vailid reasons for not wanting another child. Hope you can sort it out between you.

FamiliesShareGerms Tue 05-Mar-13 22:22:06

Don't have another baby that you don't want

Do focus on the one you have got

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 22:14:09

It's a mistake to have a child if you really don't want one. Perhaps the menopause fairy will step in, perhaps the minipill could be taken secretly too.

SolomanDaisy Tue 05-Mar-13 22:07:30

Children that age do fall over a lot, but it doesn't sound like a very sensible place to play! If you're working 90 hours a week your DH is probably exhausted from being sole carer. Are you happy this way? Do you want to spend more time with your son?

Emmon Tue 05-Mar-13 21:12:35

he has just let my son play on the front step and he has fallen and has blood all over his nose. this is the second week running this has happened. i am sick to the back bloomin teeth of this and cannot understand why he cannot look after my son responsibly.

Emmon Tue 05-Mar-13 20:35:02

i just feel i have turned into my gran, a bipolar sufferer who constantly works running a business. i feel sad i cannot be a better mum and feel that if there were 2 children i would be even worse.

Emmon Tue 05-Mar-13 19:47:02

thecat
actually you are right there...oops. yes all children will be carriers. doh!

although the ss were happy with my husband and felt no neglect was occurring i just feel he should do more for our son he sits watching tv a lot and our son just entertains himself, normally by putting his hands in the dogs water bowl. i have raised this with my husband but he has no insight into the fact this is not great parenting. i think a lot of it relates to the fact he was brought up like this, when MIL looks after him she just dumps a shed load of quavers on his high chair table and seems to think this is acceptable nutrition.

i guess i am just as guilty of being selfish as all i do is work, but at least i am bringing money into the family and if i stopped working we would have to exist on benefits. although i am a crap mum in the sense i am a workaholic at least i do provide materially for him.

there is a dads group at our local childrens ctr and a few times i have physically driven him and our son there and have picked them up later. i can understand he may not want to attend other sessions as it is nearly always mums who go to these groups.

on a positive note at least he is not beating or verbally abusing our son, but things could be a lot better and it drives me up the wall.

SolomanDaisy Tue 05-Mar-13 19:28:13

Why does your husband want another child? He's not especially interested in parenting the current child, it would clearly be immensely difficult for you and at the risk of your own health. Do you know what it is that outweighs all of that for him?

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