To expect a reply from my cousin?

(49 Posts)
allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:14:21

Basically my uncle, who was 80, died about six weeks ago. The funeral was massively delayed until two weeks ago and obviously I attended and went to the wake - it's about 80 miles away. I said to my aunt (who isn't the blood relative but I have known her my whole life) that her son, my cousin, who is 46 but has always lived with his parents - don't even go there - should bring her down to see us for Sunday lunch soon..

I phoned my cousin in the evening when we'd got back from the funeral and suggested two dates for lunch, 10th or 24th March and he said lovely, and that he would ring me back the next day to confirm. I've not heard a word! It'll be two weeks tomorrow.

I don't want to ring again and hassle them as it appears they don't really want to come and I know that everyone deals with grief in different ways, but AIBU to expect my cousin to just ring and say "Mum's not up to it," or something similar, just so that I know? I have metastatic breast cancer myself so am not 100% fit and healthy (although doing ok at the moment) and I have hardly any family left, parents both dead and I'm a single mum to two teenage daughters, so don't want to lose touch with the little family I still have.

What to do?

HollyBerryBush Mon 04-Mar-13 20:17:52

What to do? let people grieve at their own pace.

If you arent a close and intermeshed family, you arent going to start that now on the back of a funeral.

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:34:16

When my uncle was alive we always all met up every couple of months and had regular weekly telephone contact. I would consider we are a reasonably close and intermeshed family to be honest.

kinkyfuckery Mon 04-Mar-13 20:47:51

His dad just died and your pissed that he has blown off a lunch invitation?

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:52:05

Ok, forget this, you obviously haven't read my post properly. I want to extend some hospitality and generosity to them and hopefully some support.. I have terminal cancer myself and would like to stay close to my remaining family. I have lost both my parents and happily accepted all invitations when I was grieving as I found it helpful to be with people close to me. I wish I'd never bother posting this.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 04-Mar-13 20:54:30

Could it be that he's clean forgotten? How about phoning just for a chat to see how he and your aunt are the taking it from there?

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:55:24

I would, but I don't want to feel that I'm hassling them

kinkyfuckery Mon 04-Mar-13 20:57:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 04-Mar-13 20:57:39

I read your post and completely understand where you are coming from, those other two replies left me a bit open mouthed to be honest.

Drop them a card in the post offering your support and restating your invite to lunch when they feel ready?

hwjm1945 Mon 04-Mar-13 20:57:58

Why don't you email.say hope they coping reasonable well and remind him of invite,say anytime and suggest some dates,give them bit of space?

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 21:01:14

helllhasnofury, I really appreciate your replies to this. Sorry if other people think it's all about me, it's really not, I'm just trying to be a supportive family member but that's obviously viewed as being self-centred on here. I am so upset now, but no doubt that's wrong too. I have lost my uncle, I am trying to be a kind person but am just getting fired for it.

malteserzz Mon 04-Mar-13 21:02:54

It may be that in his grief he has simply forgotten. I would send a card saying that you are thinking of them and asking them to call you when they feel up to visiting
I'm sorry to hear of your cancer x

ChristmasJubilee Mon 04-Mar-13 21:05:58

I would imagine the invite has gone completely out of his head. I don't remember much about the weeks following my mother's death. I agree you should drop them a card wishing them well and remind them that they are always welcome to visit.

If you are a reasonably close family, I don't think ringing them after 2 weeks is "hassling" them at all. Just pick up the phone, see how they are doing, perhaps mention getting together but don't push it.

You could even say "please get in touch when you feel up to coming for a visit and in the meantime, I'll just ring every once in a while to see how you're getting on" or something like that?

Abra1d Mon 04-Mar-13 21:11:01

I am a bit surprised about some of the responses. Agree you should drop a card and say you're thinking of them and would love to see them for lunch, if they feel up to it.

CandidaDoyle Mon 04-Mar-13 21:14:56

If your cousin is anything like me, it's most likely that it has just slipped his mind. Maybe phone to see how they're doing, and to tell them to suggest a date when your cousin & aunt's feeling up to it. It's most likely that they will view your invitation in the kind spirit it was intended, so wouldn't feel hassled at being gently reminded.

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 21:15:42

Thank you malterserzz, ChristmasJubilee, Hearts and Abra1d, I really appreciate your replies and I will ring them again in a day or so. I have sent a card as it's my aunt's birthday today anyway. Kinkyfuckery, thank you for your extreme honesty and making me feel like shit.

The thing about supporting other people is that you offer things, and then accept that sometimes you won't get taken up on your offer, because it isn't what the other person needs.

Suggesting a lunch together = supportive.
Telling them to come to lunch, phoning straight after the funeral to discuss dates, and getting offended because they failed to confirm a date = not so supportive.

Why don't you just phone them and ask how they are?

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Mar-13 21:18:45

Some of you replying on here are just looking for something nasty to say IMO. Pretty bullying type behaviour hmm I second what HellHas says and see what happens. Really sorry to heat about the cancer. You ate trying to be a decent and kind family member, it's pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain. thanks

digerd Mon 04-Mar-13 21:19:05

Phone your aunt to ask how she is and if you can help her in any way. As uncle was 80, I assume she is in her late 70s? I am sure she will appreciate a call from you showing your concern for her loss.

ScottyDoc Mon 04-Mar-13 21:22:12

Oh and kinkyfuckery, you might want to grow up and learn some basic manners and human kindness. You will one day get a dose of your own medicine when someone insincerely tells you they are 'sorry' for you and to just get over yourself. What a nasty post.

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 21:23:04

Thank you Scotty thanks. And Bertha, I most certainly wasn't TELLING them anything, just suggesting an invitation. I phoned them after the funeral to thank them for their hospitality at the wake and just dropped it into the conversation. I have never considered myself pushy in the slightest, this is exactly why I've left them in peace for the last couple of weeks. I will ring them this week to see how they are. A lot of you on here must be so perfect, obviously never put a foot wrong

Iamsparklyknickers Mon 04-Mar-13 21:24:28

Are your Aunt and cousin aware of your prognosis?

It might be they find it really difficult to put themselves in a situation with you knowing that this grieving is destined for their relationship with you?

I can sympathise tbh - I'm a horrible procrastinator and although it's wrong would probably need the kick up the arse from you to pull myself together and appreciate the present.

I don't think ringing or dropping them a note is hassling them unless you start doing it every other day. Perhaps just a call to see how they are without mentioning dinner to take the pressure off then try again in a week or so. It's not good you have to pick up the slack, but it's common.

allo2101 Mon 04-Mar-13 21:25:14

Thank you Scotty thanks. And Bertha, I most certainly wasn't TELLING them anything, just suggesting an invitation. I phoned them after the funeral to thank them for their hospitality at the wake and just dropped it into the conversation. I have never considered myself pushy in the slightest, this is exactly why I've left them in peace for the last couple of weeks. I will ring them this week to see how they are.

WilsonFrickett Mon 04-Mar-13 21:25:29

They could be sitting there wondering why you haven't been in touch - a text could easily have slipped your cousin's mind with all that's going on. I too think you should phone. You don't even need to mention lunch - or a specific lunch - if it doesn't feel right when you are on the phone, but you should phone.

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