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Competative childbirth

(230 Posts)
FrameyMcFrame Mon 04-Mar-13 18:47:32

All my births have been horrendous, back to back and lots of things went wrong. I won't bore you with the details and it's all a long time ago now. I'm over it now, apart from the permanent physical damage that was a side effect. sad
Friend has just had her 1st baby and it all went perfectly and according to plan, all great and I'm so happy for her.

Apart from she has been keen to tell me that if I had done X,Y and Z then I also could have had a perfect birth too. I don't think it's as easy as that, everyone is different and each birth is different. Just because all that worked for her doesn't mean it would have helped at all in my circumstances...

I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs...
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important, why do some people want to make such a big deal of it?

Am I being a jealous cow? AIBU to feel sad about this?

shesariver Mon 04-Mar-13 18:51:13

YANBU. There is nothing as bad as a snug know it all who wants to make other people feel bad.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-Mar-13 18:52:51

Ignore ignore ignore. What happend in your births was not your fault, and there was bugger all you could have done about it unfortunately.

Sorry you had such a traumatic time.

PedlarsSpanner Mon 04-Mar-13 18:54:11

oh your friend is being terribly tactless and rather horrible really. I am so sorry. What can you say to someone who says stuff like that? I don't have a neat retort.

(If it helps, my SIL had her baby and has been telling folk the baby was born in the caul, how wonderful and lucky, all at hospital were amazed yadda yadda. It transpires that the baby wasn't born in the caul at ALL, her waters went late, that's all. Stupid woman.)

GinAndaDashOfLime Mon 04-Mar-13 18:54:25

You are soooo NBU. Tell her to put a sock in it

GloriaPritchett Mon 04-Mar-13 18:55:18

YANBU. How insensitive and horrible of her to say that, it is completely ridiculous.

YANBU at all. I had a very difficult and painful delivery the first time, and a vert calm and pretty painless delivery second time. Personally I think this may be because I was much looser more relaxed the second time but it may well have just been chance.

Tbh I find that a lot of first-time mothers think they know everything and that theirs is the only right way (I'm ashamed to say that I was one of them, although I'd never have said so to anyone!).

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Mon 04-Mar-13 18:56:32

What a plonker. As if you had a choice on having a traumatic birth.

I have to ask, what is it shes suggesting?

Presumably hypnobirthing for one?

I have my theories about the big deal thing... they might, however, get me banned.

I had a traumatic birth 9 months ago and was in counselling for months. I'm sorry you had a crappy time too sad I just keep telling myself that every baby, every birth, every woman is different and thank goodness for medical science which allows me to be here to say that.

And also that the only people who can ever judge what happened are my caregivers during labour. And DH. Everyone else can fuck off if they're not willing to be supportive.

They weren't your fault. They were not your fault. <un-MN hug>

MrsMargoLeadbetter Mon 04-Mar-13 18:58:30

Ignore her.

She may well not have such a lovely text book birth next time....she might come to regret her views...

Sorry you had such a bad time of it.

CatsRule Mon 04-Mar-13 18:59:05

I wouldn't consider my experience traumatic....I do consider myself very lucky and fortunate and I would never gloat about it. It had a lot to do with the support I had and my own mindset of just wanting a healthy baby, a much wanted and long awaited baby, at the end of it all.

You did nothing wrong, I think there are various factors to good and bad experiences. Her good experience will not all be down to her doing it all right...whatever right is!

Yanbu

exoticfruits Mon 04-Mar-13 18:59:47

Smile, nod and ignore. Change the subject. Hopefully she will never find out that it was nothing whatever to do with her-it was luck. Babies don't fit in with plans.

BearFrills Mon 04-Mar-13 19:00:35

Ignore!

I remember someone at a baby group casually saying that birth is such a natural process and that any interventions needed are the fault of the mother for not 'trying'.

Funnily enough she had just had her first too. I hold the theory that everyone is entitled to be a dick after the birth of their first and for the first six months after any subsequent baby.

My first was a VB, back to back and a very long second stage (over three hours) with a clip on DS head. I managed to get him out without instruments, just - finally popped him out as they were prepping me. But a VB nonetheless. DD was an EMCS in the very, very early stages of labour (a show and mild contractions eight minutes apart).

You never know what will happen until it happens.

ohdoone Mon 04-Mar-13 19:01:36

If she starts again say 'Shut the fuck up smug face'. I hate competitive birth stuff it's so insensitive. I was all set for a home water birth but ended up with a emsec, was disappointed yes but my child is alive with no brain damage so who cares?! People still try and tell me shit about how I could have had a natural birth and they are right, I could have- wouldn't have been worth the outcome though.

Schooldidi Mon 04-Mar-13 19:01:49

My cousin was a bit like this after her first and was telling everybody how to do it. Unfortunately her second was a really traumatic affair involving a placental abruption and everybody was scared of losing one or both of them. She's not smug now, and even apologised to those people she had offended by practically telling them they ahd caused their bad birth experiences. She's still quite smug about cloth nappies, breastfeeding and BLW, so I suppose she's got her smug quota covered.

highlandcoo Mon 04-Mar-13 19:02:57

YANBU - she is being hugely insensitive.

I remember after my first DC - high blood pressure leading to induction ending up with an epidural after 12 hours of trying to give birth without one - an NCT "friend" built like a brood mare who'd popped her first baby out smugly telling me I should have tried a bit harder angry

I had an even worse time with the second DC, then a fab easy birth third time round .. just luck, and if that's the only sort of birth some women experience they are so fortunate! They need to keep quiet about it and not be smug though.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 04-Mar-13 19:05:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueballoon79 Mon 04-Mar-13 19:06:14

YANBU, she is being incredibly insensitive and ignorant.

I had extremely traumatic births with both my children, then a year later had to endure a friend ringing me up and gushing on and on about her wonderful water birth and how easy it was and how she doesn't understand what all the fuss is about childbirth.

After her call I went to my bed and laid there sobbing.

It's horrible.

I'm sorry you had to experience this too and I assure you that the traumatic births you experienced were NOT your fault.

harryhausen Mon 04-Mar-13 19:06:45

YANBU. She's being incredibly smug.

I had an horrendous birth for my first dc (that I needed 6 months of physiotherapy for afterwards). However, like you dc is 8 now. I'm over it.

However, I remember collapsing in a heap on the kitchen floor one afternoon not long after the birth when my DH got a text from a mutual friend announcing the birth of his friends baby which said "baby x born safely. DW pushed perfectly with only a short whiff of G & A. Now that's what I call an amazing woman"hmm. It wasn't about me at all, but I felt it was.

Birth stories are a lottery. A friend of mine was incredibly smug about her 2 perfect, pain relief free home births (the birth I'd planned).... Until her 3rd birth where she was raced to hospital under a blue light in an emergency. I wasn't happy she'd had that experience, but I did like that fact she'd finally understood she couldn't plan for everything.

Grinkly Mon 04-Mar-13 19:08:40

I shared a room after my first birth, mine was a wee 6lb er hers a 10 1/2 lb lump. Needless to say had to listen to constant rah rah rah about how huge he was from all her visitors, and a pitying look when they looked at my dainty wee one. Also my birth was horrible and hers a doddle. Hopefully you don't share rooms now.

Camwombat Mon 04-Mar-13 19:09:58

YANBU. Definately not.

FFS, you are not in control of what happens during labour, and I dont see that there is anything you could do to control it.

I has what might be deemed by some as an "easy labour", but not only did it not feel like that, especially as he came out blue with the cord around his neck, but I wouldnt dream of telling someone else what they should have done to make it easier on themselves and would probably bite the head off anyone that told me "what i should have done"

It is what you do afterwards that counts, and maybe her words will come back to haunt her, when her PFB has her up all hours... Offer her some "useful" advice then. wink

I'm really sorry you had trouble and have been left with physical damage. sad

MiaowTheCat Mon 04-Mar-13 19:10:25

You get those who'll sit there and basically bash women into "oh if you think positive enough things will happen naturally - it's just if you get scared it'll go wrong" as well - which implies that if you did have a shit time - you somehow didn't think of enough rainbows and bunnies and "deserved" it. That one REALLY pisses me off.

I'll tell you the other one that pisses me off - after every OBEM when it becomes some kind of rate each woman's birth (with the kind of language again always implying success or failure) - I keep waiting for C4 to put an interactive fucking push rating system on the red button with how ridiculous it is.

You'll never knock someone smug who had it all fall into place well for them into check and get them to truly appreciate the other side of things though.

Camwombat Mon 04-Mar-13 19:11:37

YANBU. Definately not.

FFS, you are not in control of what happens during labour, and I dont see that there is anything you could do to control it.

I has what might be deemed by some as an "easy labour", but not only did it not feel like that, especially as he came out blue with the cord around his neck, but I wouldnt dream of telling someone else what they should have done to make it easier on themselves and would probably bite the head off anyone that told me "what i should have done"

It is what you do afterwards that counts, and maybe her words will come back to haunt her, when her PFB has her up all hours... Offer her some "useful" advice then. wink

I'm really sorry you had trouble and have been left with physical damage. sad

KitCat26 Mon 04-Mar-13 19:12:50

'I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important.'

^ This is what you should say to her. Otherwise ignore her if you can.

MrsDeVere Mon 04-Mar-13 19:13:13

Ignore her.
You have done nothing wrong. She was lucky and I am glad for her.

I tend to get ragey at the other side of this coin.
Women frightening the feck out of 1st time pregnant women with their horror stories of birth.

Fair enough we all need to tell our stories and let it out but ffs why the competitive misery when some poor woman is about to give birth hmm

A friends mother did it to her. All her life she was told how her own mother nearly died an how hideous birth was and how dangerous. The poor woman was utterly terrified of birth.

It is nice for women to feel proud about their lovely births. That shouldn't be in a smug or boastful way though.

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