To think my in laws should visit when it suits us?

(89 Posts)
bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 17:58:01

My in laws live abroad and then travel from there to another country for most of the winter, every winter without fail, regardless of what else is happening in the family. That's obviously their prerogative.

I am due to have a baby (not my first) in October. When Dh told MIL yesterday she said that they would come and visit at the beginning of November then, before they go away for the winter.

Due to their previous laziness and rudeness and treating my Mum like their servant when they came to stay, as well as making my children from a previous marriage feel uncomfortable, I have told DH that they are not welcome to stay in the house any more, so would have to find a hotel whenever they stayed next.

However, DH will be working during the day after his paternity leave and so if they come at the start of November, ever they stay in a hotel, they will want to spend the days at out house and I just don't feel up to entertaining them with a two week old baby whilst trying to look after other children and trying to establish breast feeding. They will not help out at all and are very judgemental about any mess, so I will also feel pressured to keep the house spotless.

I've told DH that its best if they stay when he has time off work, although due to their plans over winter, this would mean they wouldn't see the baby until it is 4-5 months old. They didn't meet DD until she was 4 months old anyway and they have only seen her once other than that and she is now 21 months old. They are busy with their lives and that is fine of course, but I don't feel their grandchildren are a priority for them and because of that I don't see why I should put myself under stress just to keep them happy.

AIBU?

Ledkr Wed 06-Mar-13 10:14:48

Right listen. I had this all through my pregnancy and dh also was non committal and wouldn't set boundaries.
What followed is practically mumsnet legend and led to me getting pnd and everyone feeling uncomfortable including dd1 who was very upset.
It is two years later and I still can't forgive them for being so selfish and totally ignoring what we asked them to do. I had a section and a baby born with a cleft palate and they came expecting to stay and kicked off when asked to leave.
Dh did his best but should have had it set in stone long before.
Fwiw he still feels very guilty and upset that he let me down when I needed him most.
Could you show this to your dh?
Most mortifying for me was bleeding onto my joggers in front of fil and trying to pooh whilst they hung around waiting to use the toilet.
Fuckers.
A few mumsneters told me iwbu. I wasn't and neither are you.

DontmindifIdo Wed 06-Mar-13 09:42:23

can you go and stay at your mums for their visit?

Cakecrumbsinmybra Wed 06-Mar-13 09:41:47

Oh dear OP, that's quite an extreme reaction from your DH. I do wonder, if he's so adamant they come when they want, why he can't change his plans. Perhaps he's terrified of saying no to them?

soundevenfruity, no one is fanning the emotions of a pg woman - just suggesting she acts now to trouble shoot further grief come November. personally, when I have a newborn I like to plan for life to be as simple for as long as possible! And to say she's U "act on it and cause a rift in the family" is bollocks, sorry. She is part of the family too, as is the new baby. If its not convenient, it's not convenient!

2rebecca Wed 06-Mar-13 09:12:23

He sounds unpleasant.
I think the inlaws are a minor problem at the moment. Your husband sounds controlling and unpleasant. You don't sort out problems by staying away and avoiding them, you come home and discuss them. I'd be questionning the future of the relationship. I would stop calling or texting him.

Goldmandra Wed 06-Mar-13 08:46:11

Goldmandra, this is from the first post by OP.

She didn't say they weren't welcome in her house. She said they weren't welcome to stay in her house. Very different.

GingerBlondecat Wed 06-Mar-13 08:25:45

I wouldn't blame the OP at all if she didn't want them there at all. But. That is not what she meant.

OP is NOT a slave to her inlaws and their Demand to be 'Hosted' especially when the OP will have a new babe in arms.

soundevenfruity ? Have you forgotten what a new babe brings.
I think you just Volunteered to help the OP out in her time fresh home.

GingerBlondecat Wed 06-Mar-13 08:19:42

OP, I messaged you

((((((((((((((((((((soft Hugs))))))))))))))))))

soundevenfruity Tue 05-Mar-13 23:28:59

Goldmandra, this is from the first post by OP.

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 23:26:12

Thanks Goldmantra. If DH was off work and willing to run around after his parents then that would be a different story.

Goldmandra Tue 05-Mar-13 23:21:10

you said his parents were not welcome in your house

The OP didn't say this. She said that she didn't want to play host to his parents while he was at work and she was trying to care for a newborn plus other children.

OP, I hope your son didn't mind that he wasn't there. I assume that your DH is his step dad, not his dad.

I hope you can open the lines of communication between you and your DH soon.

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 23:20:54

He won't talk to me, so there's not much I can do about that. I don't know what I want to do, but all of this and the way DH is behaving right now makes me think he has no respect for me at all and that is where the problem lies.

I don't want to 'pull him way from' his parents at all. I just simply don't want to have to wait on them hand and foot, especially when I have a new baby. The problem with them staying in the house is that DH can be called away for work at any time, which is how they came to be staying here when my Mum was here. DD was 4 months old then, waking lots at night and my Mum offered to come to help me. I don't really want to end up in that situation again, not least as my DM would not be able to stay this time.

Some of the things his family have done are unforgivable and yet I am still polite etc to them for the sake of DH. I would never allow my family to treat DH in the way his parents have treated me, but they just wouldn't do it anyway.

soundevenfruity Tue 05-Mar-13 23:11:01

OP, do you seriously want to split up with DH over this? It's immaterial what people here advise you, at the end of the day you should be talking to him. It's spinning seriously out of control. As to who controls whom: you said his parents were not welcome in your house and you are trying to pull DH away from them because they are awful people. How would it sit with you if those were demands from him about your parents?

your ds' birthday?! oh no sad

i think you're right to not have them. but you don't have to deal with it right now. give it a couple of days, then email them. i don't think your dh has got it in him to stand up to them at the moment. it's a huge process to recognise your parents are toxic and it doesn't seem to me like he's begun walking along that road YET.

i think that you shouldn't explain why they can't come. it'll give them the opportunity to deny it and say they'll help and it's no bother. and then you'll find it very hard to still say no.

i'd say 'i don't think november will work this year, but please do come and visit at easter next year'. the less said, the better, and the clearer the message. no reasons to argue with.

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 22:06:24

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Wish you all the best.

"It was my DS's birthday today too. sad"
shock

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 21:29:51

I've told him as much. He's going to bed now apparently.

It was my DS's birthday today too. sad

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 21:20:04

Reply telling him not to be such a dick and he needs to sort out his priorities! Maybe not but the me that is angry for you would!

bottleoffish Tue 05-Mar-13 21:06:57

Thanks all, the replies really help as DH clearly still thinks I'm
In the wrong. He has text me now and says I am in the wrong for 'kicking off' about his Mums phone call and apparently making it clear I don't want to be with him if he speaks to his family, which is completely crazy as I have never said that at all and although we had a row about it, he started shouting at me when I tried to discuss it calmly with him. He's not coming back here tonight, although I don't want him here anyway.

I suspect his behaviour is an effort to control me and get me to change my mind about his parents coming, which I will not. I'm going to stop rolling over for any of them, I feel so angry right now about DH's selfish, thoughtless behaviour.

I haven't emailed my in laws as I don't really see the point tbh at the moment.

Jux Tue 05-Mar-13 19:13:09

Send the email direct to his parents.

Mostly, I would put up with quite a lot of crap and run about looking after ILs - well, I did - in the interests of keeping family harmony (and my dh would always leave me to it because he couldn't bear to be in the same room as his mum for more than 5 minutes and hated his step dad). So normally I would say you can't dictate entirely and compromises need to be found BUT

..... I do think that when you've just had a baby their convenience is irrelevant, especially as you know what it will cost you to accommodate it.

So send the email and let dh huff and puff. If he's so keen on the visit at that exact time then he can be there and do all the work. As he won't be there, it's down to you and if he wants to offload his parents onto you he needs to behave a darn sight better.

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 19:08:19

bottleoffish he sounds horrible. I would ascertain that he was indeed stropping first and then if he was I would ask him not to come home as you need some space from him to consider how you want to proceed. Do you have family that you can call on? I think all have got used to you rolling over and letting them have their own way. Time to call them out on this.

of any one who treated my children differently would not be allowed near any of them

if they live together they jointly decide who can stay in their home holly. so if she says no that's a no.

your dh is being wet. you need to then your self they won't be welcome that early or at all if they are unkind to your older children! shock

yanbu

olgaga Tue 05-Mar-13 18:31:24

Sad to hear if indeed he does have a major strop on over this.

I would just email the ILs anyway, get it off your chest and make sure they and your DH know what you will and won't tolerate.

You are pregnant, and have a toddler to care for. That's enough. You can't be running around after an adult who refuses to take responsibility.

It does sound as though there's a bit more going on OP. Do you usually have to be this accommodating to his moods? It all sounds rather one-sided.

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