To think my in laws should visit when it suits us?

(89 Posts)
bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 17:58:01

My in laws live abroad and then travel from there to another country for most of the winter, every winter without fail, regardless of what else is happening in the family. That's obviously their prerogative.

I am due to have a baby (not my first) in October. When Dh told MIL yesterday she said that they would come and visit at the beginning of November then, before they go away for the winter.

Due to their previous laziness and rudeness and treating my Mum like their servant when they came to stay, as well as making my children from a previous marriage feel uncomfortable, I have told DH that they are not welcome to stay in the house any more, so would have to find a hotel whenever they stayed next.

However, DH will be working during the day after his paternity leave and so if they come at the start of November, ever they stay in a hotel, they will want to spend the days at out house and I just don't feel up to entertaining them with a two week old baby whilst trying to look after other children and trying to establish breast feeding. They will not help out at all and are very judgemental about any mess, so I will also feel pressured to keep the house spotless.

I've told DH that its best if they stay when he has time off work, although due to their plans over winter, this would mean they wouldn't see the baby until it is 4-5 months old. They didn't meet DD until she was 4 months old anyway and they have only seen her once other than that and she is now 21 months old. They are busy with their lives and that is fine of course, but I don't feel their grandchildren are a priority for them and because of that I don't see why I should put myself under stress just to keep them happy.

AIBU?

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 17:58:33

Sorry for the typos. blush

HedgeHogGroup Mon 04-Mar-13 17:59:23

God no, you're def not unreasonable. Tell DH to tell them!

aldiwhore Mon 04-Mar-13 18:00:57

YANBU. Although it does sound like your relationship is a bit tit for tat... that's understandable.

Granitetopping Mon 04-Mar-13 18:07:43

Goodness no - YANBU! They sound like hard work. They don't seem that bothered with your DD, so why should you put up with a visit just because its convenient for them?

Wishiwasanheiress Mon 04-Mar-13 18:36:39

Not sure I know why u are asking.... Does dh not agree? Or are u genuinely confused?

Obvs not bu tho

Xmasbaby11 Mon 04-Mar-13 18:39:00

YANBU. They can wait til the end of winter.

DublinMammy Mon 04-Mar-13 18:46:18

YANBU, you need time to get breast feeding established/ get to know your new baby/ get the other DC happy etc. it's their choice to go away for so long and that's fine but you are NOT obliged to agree to a visit just because it suits them. Oh, congratulations by the way!!!

Ionasky Mon 04-Mar-13 18:57:42

YANBU, it's a shame that they make you feel like that and aren't really planning to help you out. Given how you know it's going to be based on last time, it seems sensible. If they were saying that they'd come and take all your other DCs out every day/try and lighten the load, you'd probably think different.

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 19:00:08

DH doesnt really agree, he just says its not until November and we'll talk about it nearer the time. I think he initially thought I was just being a bitch as he wasn't here when my Mum was here and they were rude to her. However, last time they stayed he did notice that the words please and thank you were missing from their vocabulary.

He is still very much the 'child' in his mind to his parents and feels he shouldnt disagree with or disrespect them in any way, no matter what.

I know that come November he'll be angling for them to stay or at least still visit but stay in a hotel.

bottleoffish Mon 04-Mar-13 19:01:59

Ionasky, they don't so much as make their own cup of tea while they are here, although in FIL's case it's vodka and coke or wine from 11am... hmm

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Mar-13 19:05:14

YANBU The very fact that they treated your mum like a servant means you are not unreasonable.

AThingInYourLife Mon 04-Mar-13 19:06:16

Tell him he has to grow up now that he has children of his own.

He is disrespecting you by asking you to spend all day entertaining his rude parents while he works.

You are his wife, you will have a newborn baby.

You come first.

They are not invited. They are not welcome.

And he needs to make that clear to them however he sees fit.

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Mon 04-Mar-13 19:08:30

Thinking about it, if your DH insists on his parents visiting in November then he needs to find some way to get time off work so he can entertain them.

Agree with Thing he needs to grow up and he needs to start putting you first.

Pilgit Mon 04-Mar-13 19:14:10

Your DH is not obliged to take paternity leave straight away as the baby is born - I can't remember the time it has to be taken with but it doesn't have to be the two weeks after the baby is born. I know that it wouldn't be ideal for him to delay it but he could do that and be there to entertain/wait on his parents. But no YANBU, they sound truly dreadful.

MiaowTheCat Mon 04-Mar-13 19:15:20

Oh god I get stuck with the "announced" visits when DH is at work (I get no input into if it's convenient or not - drives me up the wall) - and it's fucking awful - you feel under such pressure and scrutiny with it. At least when hubby's there he can take some of the weight of making the polite conversation and entertaining - but yep YANBU

YANBU. My ILs are the same, inviting themselves to stay at our house when it suits them, rather when DH can be off work. Some times he hardly gets to see his parents because they won't consider coming any other time than when it suits them. Fortunately they're not as much of a nightmare as your PILs, but difficult in their own way.

YANBU.
"DH doesnt really agree, he just says its not until November and we'll talk about it nearer the time." No, you want to talk about it now. And it's best to tell them as far in advance as possible, so that there can be no "but we already bought the plane tickets!" wailing. They don't get to visit unless he is there to provide a buffer, anything else is unfair on you (and your mother). He either rearranges his leave/holidays to be there in November, or they don't come until after winter when he will be there. He does need to grow up, he is a father now and that should define him more than being a son.

ChasedByBees Mon 04-Mar-13 19:33:11

He's trying to defer it so you'll have to agree with their plans. I agree you need to sort this now. YANBU.

Doha Mon 04-Mar-13 19:44:57

You could tell your DH that if he is working while his DP's are here you will be taking yourself off to your parents during the day (if live close by) and will return at night when he will be able to entertain them.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 04-Mar-13 20:18:09

He's definitely putting it off to back you into a corner where you can't say no. I would tell him once, calmly and clearly that you will not be entertaining his parents when he isn't around.

Then pre warn your mum that you might be staying with her in November. When it comes up nearer the time, tell your DH that his parents are only welcome to be around you when he is. And stick to it.

Yfronts Mon 04-Mar-13 20:20:50

Take charge now. Don't depend on DH to man up and ensure your needs with a newborn are met. He obviously doesn't really care about your early days with a little one.

Email IL's and DH and just say sorry you can't do November at all (with no explanation) and what other months can they visit?

Yfronts Mon 04-Mar-13 20:21:45

Keep it casual and friendly but factual - November is not possible at all.

HollyBerryBush Mon 04-Mar-13 20:22:11

I have told DH that they are not welcome to stay in the house any more

Unless hes a cocklodger you have no right to pontificate who stays in equally shared house.

maddening Mon 04-Mar-13 20:26:36

Could he take annual leave after his paternity? Maybe suggest they could come for a week but only if he is off work otherwise no?

Yanbu - he can't expect you to entertain his parents when he knows they are socially inept and unpleasant so he would definitely need to be off work if they were to darken your door.

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