MIL organising honeymoon

(203 Posts)
Lanzagrotty Thu 28-Feb-13 21:29:50

I've namchanged for this as i suspect I may be being a bit bridezilla so would like to know your opinions.

I'm getting married at the end of August and a couple of months ago my soon to be MIL told us that she would pay for our honeymoon as a wedding present - she also said she would choose where we go and it would be a surprise. We had to choose five places in Europe and she would choose one.

Apparently this is a family tradition and although I know it is well meant and very generous I'm really unhappy about it.

My reasons are that we had an idea where we wanted to go before she made the offer and it wasn't in Europe. Secondly, and this might sound a bit strange but I think it would kind of feel like she was on honeymoon with us. i think a honeymoon is a very personal thing where the couple spend time alone away from families. So to me this it seems odd for my in-laws to choose where we're going.

But the main problem is that my finace let slip that she had told him where we are going and it turns out it's Lanzarote! This wasn't one of the five places we chose and apparently its because she couldn't get Mallorca (one of the places we DID choose)within budget. I went on a girls holiday to Lanzarote a few years ago and my image of it is definitely not that of a honeymoon destination.

What on Earth do I do without causing major upset just before I join the family. Am I being unreasonable?

LadyPessaryPam Fri 01-Mar-13 07:36:15

Yes at least you don't get flogged for extramarital sex there. Not that you will be doing that as you are waiting till your married OP.

blondecat Fri 01-Mar-13 07:40:45

I let DH organize the honeymoon

We went 10 months after the wedding and in the end I has to book half of it. It was still great.

Enjoy whatever you do
Go to lanzarote. Have a laugh. Keep mil happy. Don't think of it a your honeymoon

Then, plan something special for next year

DevlinMaccabee Fri 01-Mar-13 07:43:44

Do you know where it's been booked at?

I work at a well known travel agency and if its the same one then I'll
gladly have a little look and confirm if it is indeed Lanzarote grin

TobyLerone Fri 01-Mar-13 07:54:14

YABU. Totally U. I can't believe more people don't think so.

And I'm shocked at people saying that you should let her waste her money on a holiday and then go somewhere else shock

echt Fri 01-Mar-13 07:56:31

I'd check on other "family traditions" while you're at it. grin

lollilou Fri 01-Mar-13 07:57:40

Yabu. A honeymoon to me is being with your new husband on holiday. That's what you have been given, lucky you.
Go and find some info on Lanzarote and get excited about it.

natwebb79 Fri 01-Mar-13 07:59:24

Toby - so if this thread was reversed and the OP said 'I'm booking a surprise honeymoon for my DS and DIL as per family tradition and have asked them for 5 places they would like to go. However, I've now decided to book them on a honeymoon in a place they haven't said they would like to go. AIBU?', would you not say 'Erm, that's a bit weird when they gave you 5 places within the budget where they would actually like to go!'? hmm

When we got married there was no way we could afford a fancy honeymoon. We had a lovely day in Paris as a gift from friends, our wedding night in a fancy hotel as a gift from my parents and a few days as part of a group staying at the Gower. A year and a bit later we had a month in Switzerland. Many years later I consider the month in Switzerland as our honeymoon and haven't given it a second thought. It was lovely, we got several trips and some de-stressing down time after the wedding and a year later a fancy trip. win-win.

natwebb79 Fri 01-Mar-13 08:00:58

But Lollilou she's already been to Lanzarote and didn't like it. And she gave the MIL (on request!) 5 perfectly good places to choose from! Why do so many people pander to fruit loopyness??

TobyLerone Fri 01-Mar-13 08:02:34

I'm not saying it's not odd that the MIL has done this. But it's just a bloody holiday, at the end of the day. People get disproportionately precious about wedding-related things.

TobyLerone Fri 01-Mar-13 08:04:25

Why do so many people pander to fruit loopyness??

Um...because the 'fruit loop' is paying possibly upwards of a grand for a holiday for them?

diddl Fri 01-Mar-13 08:04:37

But isn't it her fiance's "fault" for telling his mum that Lanzerote was OK?

tedmundo Fri 01-Mar-13 08:07:41

YANBU to feel a bit gutted that you are not getting to chose your own honeymoon. I find that odd and I would have hated it.

BUT - YABU to moan as it seems you agreed to MIL aranging it (although I appreciate she has changed the destination!)

I really can't believe some people are suggesting wasting a pefectly good holiday and booking somewhere else! Did the economic crisis get fixed last night?! Did I blink and miss it?! Wow, to see money as so easy come easy go would make my head explode.

There are some lovely parts of Lanzarote. I doubt she has booked you into some 18-30 horror. I imagine it is a lovely hotel and, with a car, you will have a good time exploring a very beautiful place.

Enjoy your wedding and honeymoon. They are such special times. I am jealous as I would love to do mine all over again! HAVE FUN!

natwebb79 Fri 01-Mar-13 08:08:24

She offered to! Not only offered to, pretty much said it's a given in their family that she takes charge of it. And it's not any old holiday, it's their honeymoon! In the grand scheme of things it won't matter yadayada but come on, any reasonable person would know that it's odd. And yes, OP I really think your DF needs to man up and say something. What is it with men and their mothers??

hwjm1945 Fri 01-Mar-13 08:10:54

I would be more worried about what else should we will be organizing for you for the rest of your married life.run for the hills!

MrsSchadenfreude Fri 01-Mar-13 08:13:36

My friend's MIL said that she wanted to book the hotel for the wedding night. My friend agreed, thought it was a lovely gesture. They ended up in a grotty B & B in Brighton with PIL in the next room and her DH's brothers across the landing. hmm

They waited until they had actually gone away, the following day, to consummate their marriage (and it was the first time for them too), as the hotel had walls like paper.

IDontDoIroning Fri 01-Mar-13 08:14:10

It will need to be all paid up 10 weeks before.
Your choices are
Go in and change the booking don't tell her til it's too late.
Go and make the best of it but keep talking about how this is just a holiday and your "real" honey moon will be next year etc
Get your dh to talk to her and take back control of the situation.

DontmindifIdo Fri 01-Mar-13 08:15:01

I think you need to talk to your DP - tell him that you won't go on honeymoon to Lanzerote unless you are 100% certain it's actually a very nice boutique hotel outside Lanzerote, not in the town it'self.

then work on how you can 'fix' this - you will be able to change the booking (probably with a fee), but he can talk to his mum and say you don't want to go, so if it's not refundable, she should change the names and take your FIL and you will both sort your own honeymoon.

Quite frankly, she's gone out and booked a honeymoon you didn't want, to a place if you'd been given any imput would be out. She's ignored your requests. Rather than saying "where you want to go is over our budget, would you like to pay the difference?" she's gone ahead.

I am of the opinion when it comes to MILs, it's seems to be the view on here that the DIL should be the one to suck up upset and avoid upsetting the MIL but MILs don't have an equal responsibility to avoid upsetting DILs. If someone has to be upset, I don't think it should be the bride.

Whocansay Fri 01-Mar-13 08:20:07

Lanzarote? What, couldn't she get Benidorm?

I wasn't a Bridezilla in the slightest, but this would really piss me off. It doesn't exactly have the romance and glamour you hope for from a honeymoon does it?

Nothing you can do now you've accepted though (except hope its all a horrible joke). Just go on a second honeymoon at a later date. Good luck and congratulations.

TobyLerone Fri 01-Mar-13 08:20:43

Lanzarote is an island, dontmindifido. OP might struggle with a nice boutique hotel in the sea hmm

Bunbaker Fri 01-Mar-13 08:23:59

I can only assume that those of you who don't/didn't like Lanzarote stayed in chav resorts and didn't explore the island. It is like saying that Spain is horrible or Majorca is nasty. Parts of Spain and Majorca aren't very nice, but they don't put me off visiting them. Benidorm holds no appeal to me, but Seville, Cordoba and Granada do. Likewise, wild horses wouldn't drag me to Magaluf, but the north west of the island is beautiful.

I agree with * echt*. Lanzarote has some beautiful and interesting sights that are worth seeing. Timanfaya National Park is amazing. The Cesar Manrique sights are wonderful. I didn't like Costa Teguise where we stayed, but I liked the island as a whole.

As for the OP, I'm kind of on the fence here. While it sounds as though the MIL is controlling by booking a honeymoon that the OP didn't want, I don't think it is a great idea to piss your MIL off right from day one by refusing the honeymoon. You have been put in a difficult position and need to tread carefully. You need to make it clear that your MIL mustn't set a precedent about controlling organising other parts of your life, and just smile and say thank you.

When OH and I got married nearly 32 years ago w were so skint that we couldn't afford a proper honeymoon and spent the first week staying at my IL's house (MIL does live in a particularly nice part of the UK), so I am a little envious that your MIL is prepared to organise a honeymoon abroad for you. That said she is sending you to somewhere that you didn't chose yourself.

tempnameswap Fri 01-Mar-13 08:24:01

YANBU in any way. I can totally understand why you don't want MIL to have this level of control over your honeymoon.

I was even upset that my DH booked our honeymoon and our first night hotel when he was with his mother, having discussed through options etc. My MIL is an incredibly controlling woman (didn't fully know it then) and that gave her an 'in' to continue poking her nose in. For eg late on our wedding night they phoned the hotel (because they obviously knew where it was) to discuss a missing bag and how to deliver it. We were in bed....dh was forced to chat with the ILs about how the day had gone and then got up to receive the bag at the door. We ended up having a horrible row about it that night sad.

For me the wedding night and honeymoon are a private thing - you kind of escape, sometimes to a completely secret place, and barring family tragedy no one contacts you. They wait for you to come home to tell them about it. They don't arrange it all (even ignoring where you want to go!) and expect thanks.

This is a slippery slope OP - my ILs also paid for the hotel we had already booked (unasked and unwanted) for my first mother's day and then called us there too. Sounds harmless but they have subsequently caused endless trouble (objecting to house moves, threatening to cut us off if we don't do what they want, being offended if we don't go to the restaurant they choose etc etc). Your ILs may be easier than that but I would take this as a warning!

Good luck!

Btw I think Lanzarote is probably much nicer than you fear - there are some beautiful parts - so that aspect will be ok I reckon.

olgaga Fri 01-Mar-13 08:24:03

I can't imagine why you agreed to this in the first place - even the "shortlist" idea!

Bonkers.

I would point-blank refuse. If she isn't prepared to pay for a honeymoon destination of your choice, I'd say forget it, we'll pay for it ourselves ta v much.

Has your mil got a sense of humour? I think she's winding you up.

AminoA Fri 01-Mar-13 08:37:59

'a very nice boutique hotel outside Lanzerote, not in the town it'self'

grin <imagines Sebastian the crab singing Under The Sea>

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