To have changed my mind about DB looking after DS?

(18 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 00:02:38

Operation on Friday, have CFS along with other health conditions, so that (combined with not knowing what they will actually end up doing...) means I need to plan out childcare for the next two weeks or so, as will take me longer to recover.

Have arranged extra sessions at playschool (they're lovely), and my parents luckily between them are able to cover most of the time he won't be there, or at least mean I won't have him all day. Only time they can't do is Tuesday afternoon.

DM spoke to DB a while back about possibly doing a few hours to help out after the op. He said sure, not a problem. DB is 15, and goes past my house on the school bus home, so suggestion (from DB) was after we'd seen dates of op / shifts that he would get off the bus to come in here for a few hours. He's looked after DS once before for the evening, is very good with him. We lived there for the first year of DS's life, so they're equally fond of each other. (For everything I am about to say, feel I need to also say that my DB is a genuinely good kid, and is a very proud uncle - he showed off photos of DS in the early days more than I did!)

However.

After being suspicious of it for a while, it has become apparent that DB is smoking pot. Not every day, not even regularly, but sometimes. He came home stoned two weeks ago. My DM only told me this last night. I was really surprised to hear it (especially as he's currently taking part in a medical trial that he was bloody lucky to get a place on, and one of the side effects of the medication is it slowing down your heart rate). She thinks he is doing it on a certain place, is pretty certain that he is not doing it on school grounds as they are quite hot on smoking etc, though says she wouldn't know if he was doing it on the way to / from school as he could be getting off the bus early, though again, the school have a fantastic system on lateness. I then said to DM that if that's the case, I feel a bit odd about having DB looking after DS, even if I'm sleeping in the next room.

I've tried pot, I'm not particularly scared of it, but feel uncomfortable knowing that he could be stoned whilst around DS. Also, his moods have been pretty erratic, and although he has never shouted at DS, he has shouted in front of him.

But when I said this to DM, she got angry with me, saying that DB doesn't need another bollocking, and how dare I suggest that he would ever do it around DS (which isn't what I said at all, just that I'd feel odd having DB looking after him if there was any chance he was stoned / suffering side effects).

I'm now more concerned about not pissing off my mum, or causing more issues for my brother (my mum did mention that part of him smoking weed in the first place was probably my fault, because of my health issues) if he's already struggling enough to turn to drugs. I will probably (hopefully) be reasonably okay again by Tuesday, and have a few friends I could ask if needed.

Sorry for the long post... Bit unsure about this.

oscarwilde Thu 28-Feb-13 00:15:14

Yanbu, I would talk to your brother directly though. Treat him as an adult (you are after all asking him to take care of your child)and if you are not convinced then ask someone else

sneezingwakesthebaby Thu 28-Feb-13 00:20:00

YANBU. I don't know much about weed but if it has the potential to impair judgement I wouldn't want to risk it.

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 00:20:11

DM has asked me not to speak to him about it, mainly I think because my 'D'F is being pathetic in regard to the situation, and it would all just end up getting out of hand.

One of the people I could ask has her DC at the same playschool on the Tuesday morning, I might ask her to have him. Or tell my family that she is, at least.

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 28-Feb-13 00:20:33

Can't you just ask him not to have a smoke before he comes round to yours?

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 00:23:29

Don't know if he would listen to that, Birds, or whether he'd just get pissed off.

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 28-Feb-13 00:32:55

If he's mature enough to be in charge of your son then surely he's mature enough to have a reasonable conversation about not smoking weed while around your son without getting angry.

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 00:36:32

Not just him getting angry I'm worried about. It's my dad getting angry, and I get the "it's your fault" talk again, which I really don't need right now.

I could be very matter of fact about it, but even that would likely piss off my parents.

I'm also cautious that if he has been smoking, even if he's not stoned when I talk to him, that his emotional regulation might not be in check.

dothraki Thu 28-Feb-13 00:38:22

SirBoob - I don't think you should be listening to your mum, she said he's been doing weed because of you - er no - he has been doing a bit of weed because he is 15. Talk to him, why not just say - DB -thanks for helping me - but please don't smoke before you come round. I am very sure DB is very proud to be helping you - so be supportive of him in advance smile

dothraki Thu 28-Feb-13 00:39:19

Just dont tell your parents

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 01:04:52

Possibly... I do trust him, he's very capable. I might just send him a text tomorrow to check he's still okay to do it, and if he replies that he is, say what you've just said; That I'm really grateful, but could he please not smoke before coming over.

dothraki Thu 28-Feb-13 01:11:12

Thats good - he clearly loves his dn and as your not nagging I'm sure he will be great - maybe you should be worrying about all that male bonding grin

honeytea Thu 28-Feb-13 01:54:29

I think for me it would depend how old ds was, under 3 1/5 I'd want to make sure db was not stoned, over 3.5 I'd feel like the risk is less and they could just watch tv together and ds could come and wake you if he needed.

Good luck with the operation smile

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 10:24:46

He's three, Honeytea. You have a point there, it's not as if I'm asking him to take him out etc.

littlewhitebag Thu 28-Feb-13 10:52:37

Sit down with DN and be open with him- that you know he has been smoking pot and that this is his choice, however it will unacceptable if he does it around DS. I am sure that he will be okay with this if you treat him like an adult.

StuntGirl Thu 28-Feb-13 10:57:26

I wouldn't text it, I'd actually speak to him. Tone can get lost in text, less chance of confusion when it's in person.

Ignore your idiot parents. He's not smoking because of you. He's smoking because he made a choice to.

I hope your operation goes well thanks

snuffaluffagus Thu 28-Feb-13 11:27:59

It's highly unlikely that he will smoke between being at school at getting off the school bus at your house. It sounds like he has just experimented now and then? Or does your Mother think he is smoking every night?

If this was my younger brother I would say to him, "ds is really looking forward to hanging out with you and thank you so much for helping, i'm really grateful."

At an entirely different time/occasion you could raise smoking with him (face to face), perhaps say, "I tried it and hated it, and obviously I wouldn't do it now because you can't smoke and then look after kids, it impairs your judgement doesn't it" etc.

IloveJudgeJudy Thu 28-Feb-13 13:47:57

I agree with all the others please PHONE him and speak in person. Don't text him as things get lost in texts - tone, exactly what you meant, etc. I'm sure he'll be very proud to look after your DS, but speak to him beforehand.

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